Years ago, a reader asked me to talk about courtship, and I politely declined because I didn’t have children of that age. I’m SO glad I did not go out on a limb at the time and try to act like I knew what I was talking about because my views have changed on the matter, and more than likely will evolve even more when my older children begin this journey.
So, why am I bringing this up now since I still have no experience in the matter? Because I can see the day coming, and it is becoming a topic here more and more often.

I recently watched A Courtship (available on Amazon Prime and other streaming services as well as on DVD). It’s a documentary about a young woman who is trying to find a husband through traditional courtship methods in a rather unconventional way. The film explores the difficulties that face single believers when trying to follow the courtship model as well as the benefits of this way of finding a spouse.
There were many things I agreed with in the film, but there were just as many things I disagreed with and even cringed over. Surprisingly, things I would not have cringed over several years ago…because I didn’t know what I now know.
A strict courtship model could end up being a hinderance to finding a spouse.
In years past, I watched the conservative Christian homeschool movement separate their boys and girls so much that the very idea of them intermingling struck fear into parents’ hearts. Several years ago, I read a piece by a late-twenties homeschooled girl who recounted events she attended with the hopes of meeting a future spouse, only to find that the girls went one way and the boys went another. (I wish this article was published online because it was very enlightening without being bitter toward her parents, who really were just trying to do the best they could.)
Another thing I have seen in strict courtship models is a desire to find “perfection” – a fully mature Christian who says and does all the right things. There are two problems with this – no one is perfect and someone who says and does all the right things might be pretending.
I would rather my children find spouses who are teachable and seeking the Lord. They can grow together.

Courtship isn’t perfect.
A generation of conservative Christian homeschoolers have been raised with the model of courtship as the be all end all answer to secular dating. But in the process, they’ve made it an idol full of one-size-fits-all rules and regulations that don’t always work. Just as dating isn’t perfect, courtship isn’t perfect either. We have to come to grips with the fact that ABC does not automatically get you XYZ.
Don’t throw the baby out with the courtship bathwater.
What I want to be sure and say here is that even though I didn’t entirely agree with how courtship was handled in the film, I don’t think courtship is all bad, and as it stands right now, there are aspects of it, I do think we will follow as a family.
For instance, I like the idea of early meetings including chaperones, and putting safeguards in place to help protect young couples from falling into temptation. I also think it is beneficial for a father and mother to give their opinion of the character of the young man or woman, and I am definitely an advocate for abstinence outside of marriage. I also believe young men and women shouldn’t be in relationships prior to an age when marriage is a viable option. However, I believe the strict method of courtship could use a major overhaul if young conservative Christians are going to find spouses.
A courtship overhaul.
- Avoid being an island. While Swiss Family Robinson living seems like the perfect homeschooling environment and the best way to keep our kids from being tempted by the world, having your own homeschool island isn’t going to keep your children from falling into sin. You’d have to reverse that whole Garden of Eden incident to enact a sinless existence. The other thing living on an island does is severely limit your children’s interactions with the opposite sex. You do the math.
- Stop teaching your children they will find the perfect mate. That’s a blatant lie. No one is perfect. Yes, you should set standards, but the Lord looks on the heart, and so should we. If we encourage our children to look for perfection, we are setting them (and any potential spouse who comes their way) up for utter failure. My husband isn’t perfect. I’m not perfect. And my kids know it.
- It’s ok to talk about the opposite sex. No, I don’t want boys consuming my 16 year old’s thoughts and dreams, but if we never talk about it, I’m doing a huge disservice to her future. We have to get past being afraid of tough conversations.
- Parents don’t need to control the courtship. I’m raising adults, not children. By the time my children are of marriageable age, I really hope I’ve instilled in them what makes a good spouse and how to be a good spouse. I’d love to be a part of my children getting to know their future spouses, but I do not have to be in control of the entire thing. I need to trust my children.
I honestly don’t know what the future holds for my family in the way of marriages and grandchildren. ;I can’t say definitively how all of this courtship and dating stuff will pan out. I don’t even know if there’s a word for the semi-blueprint I have in my head, or if the real thing will even remotely resemble that blueprint.
And I have nothing but grace for my predecessors. Courtship wasn’t meant to be an idol. It was meant to be a solution to the mess of casual dating and worldly living. Many young Christians did find love via courtship. It can work, even in its strictest form. I tread lightly on this topic because I am still an observer. It’s easy to parent before you are one.
So, I invite you to a discussion – a polite one, please – about this thing called courtship. Your experiences, your expectations, your observations – anything that might be beneficial to other Christian families navigating these difficult waters. I do reserve the right to delete any comments not in keeping with this standard, but I also encourage healthy debate that is kept respectful. I’m easy to get along with as long as the tone remains civil.
You can watch the trailer to A Courtship HERE and find viewing options for the full film from that link as well.
Rachel says
I was one who was homeschooled and taught courtship. I believe my parents were doing the best they could to navigate us through unknown waters, to find the best possible solution with the least negative results and the most positive outcome, spiritually speaking. I am the oldest of 6, so naturally it was really unknown territory. I should jump ahead to say that I am now 37, have been happily married(now widowed), with four beautiful children. I turned out fine. But the courtship model….well, let’s just say, I was one of those unpredictable outcomes that you mentioned above, lol. We did everything “right”. I was modest, ladylike, and non-flirtatious. Several young men in a string took turns asking if they could write me(long distance). A couple even went so far as to ask to court me. But for some reason or another, they always had something ‘wrong’ with them, by my dad’s standards….or sometimes mine. Though I didn’t have much choice in the matter(a young lady shouldn’t pursue a young man), I at least could tell if I really didn’t care for someone’s personality. And I said so, lol. Now, courtship seemed to work nicely for my younger sister, despite my dad’s overparticular demands. She ended up married far before me, just out of high school. As you can imagine, at 23 I was becoming disenchanted with this courtship system that had failed me but helped her. I wondered what was wrong with me. I see now, looking back, that my family was so rigid and extreme in their viewpoints that they were not allowing for grace and teachability, either in the young man or in myself. I began to be accidentally judgemental of others…and didn’t even know I was being so! No wonder guys thought I was standoffish. I had no idea. Eventually, I went through a period of shrugging off all the stringent rules and wanted to just live normally for awhile. Unfortunately, my heart also drifted from God and I went my own way for about a year. Thankfully, He showed me what grace was and opened His arms to me. When I yielded myself to Him and began to serve Him of my own accord based on His conviction or tugging at my heart, I began to have joy. I felt free to live out my new(old) convictions in direct relation to His leading, rather than to some strict set of rules ‘one must follow to live the most optimum Christian life this side of Heaven’. When God shortly did bring along the right young man for me to marry, His timing was right, it felt natural, which was huge to me, I didn’t care if anyone saw my love for my future husband in my face. I had been so used to the dreaded formal ‘meeting of the families’ and doing things ‘properly’ that it caused me to put up big walls and not let myself actually relax and fall in love! Now, I was in love with the right man that God brought. Yes, there surely was temptation. He and I had to catch ourselves a few times. But at this point in our maturity, we knew the great cost of yielding. We knew that we would lose respect for each other and ourselves, and we really, truly wanted to save the specialness for our marriage day. That is what kept our resolve strong….knowing what was truly important. I have no desire to bash courting….because we did end up courting, after a fashion. There were guidelines requested by our parents that we respected. Most of the time, someone was with us. But our parents also wisely knew that we did need SOME time alone to speak privately, and we didn’t abuse it. I hope this is helpful. Strangely enough, my husband was one of the earlier young men that ended up going away after he and I both felt the great restraint from my parents trying to enact the rigid courtship model. Thankfully, he didn’t stay away, and when he came back in God’s timing, things had relaxed to a normal, doable state that felt better for everybody. 🙂
Lilly says
God brought my husband to me too. The right man and the right time. I’m the eldest as well, and my parents were still learning what to do. Six years and three kids later, we both had a lot of growing up to do but are so much stronger and closer for it.
Abby says
I’m so glad some of these issues are becoming a topic of discussion. Growing up in the homeschooling environment I’ve seen more of the downsides of courtship then the good. Now in my early twenties I recognize the big issues is the amount of pressure that is placed from the get go. The culture I’ve seen has cultivated this idea that you only date someone you think you could marry—in a ideal world yes. In reality, it makes you feel like entering the courtship is the same as being engaged. Which lets face it is super scary. The pressure tends to kill a budding love before it can even grown much like over watering a sprout.
The most liberating thing in the world was my Dad telling me there was no right formula, God does what he wants when he brings his people together. Go on a couple dates and you’ll have a pretty good idea if it will work long term– no harm no foul. Give people a chance but remember the purpose of dating is to get to know each other, and the purpose of an engagement is to get married.
Marita says
I am with you on this one. If people are looking for a christian model, finding spouses on behalf of their children, (like Isaac) would suit very well. But nobody likes to hear that one. Sounds too controlling, I suppose.
That said, ‘how to find a spouse101’ is not in the Bible. No commandment this or that way. What is commanded is that they be believers. Also not to covet, not to lust or to cause lust, not to break the sixth commandment. The ‘how to’ should use wisdom, not rules.
I suppose that is the problem. We think following recipes(the coutship recipe) will deliver certain results. We expect perfection in a broken world with our manmade recipes. It is not the recipe, it is the Lord’s doing that put people together and keeps them together. And the Lord uses ways and means regardless of our shortsighted rules and recipes.
What would be the role of a parent in this?
To raise their children well so they would be wise in deserning how a good spouse would look like.
For parents to be available for wise council.
For parents not to hinder a match if they are both believers.
For parents to help marriage in making along so that they don’t burn for one another and enter into sin. I.o.w. not to say they should first study finished, or can only marry when they are such and such an age, or when they have accumulated x amount etc.
Looking forward to other responses.
KIm crawford says
This is a good discussion. The problem I see with the courtship model is we are trying to create a system to keep our kids from the possible evils and temptations. The temptations aren’t out there, they are in our children’s hearts. I recently read a commenter on a blog post that was about the topic of dating. She said, “I don’t need to worry about my daughter being hurt by dating, because she is only going to court.” My heart cringed. Please don’t teach your children to trust a system for the righteousness that Christ alone offers. Here is an excellent post I recently read that further unfolds these thoughts so well:
http://phyliciadelta.com/why-christian-girls-are-done-with-courtship-culture/
Andrea Rake says
It’s such a fine line. Courtship has a lot of great benefits to offer! I definitely think it is a more wise way to go that “recreational dating” as it’s called. What I really think is each person involved should be seeking the Lord with their parents and seeking to follow the Lord in their actions! Here is what I do know, from my own experience as a teen: the downside to courtship is when it doesn’t lead to marriage, and sometimes it won’t, that it is not a “failed courtship” (that is also the Lord’s will being revealed) And a courtship that doesn’t end in marriage can still lead to broken hearts. It does mean you did something wrong but it can be as excruciatingly painful as a broken heart from traditional dating. It makes the whole situation so serious that it’s hard to take the process lightly without letting your heart get involved. So, it’s less about a right “process” to finding a spouse and more about seeking the Lord’s will and being open to input and guidance from your parents.
Ashkia says
I love that last sentence!
Beth says
Thank you for this! We are very much on the same page with your way of thinking. Our older daughters are 20 (recently married), 19, and 18. This past weekend our 19 year old met a 24 yr. old young man, through a friend of mine, at our Church Upward basketball games. They sat and talked at the concession stand, along with a couple of ladies, for over an hour. This was just basic “getting to know facts about you” conversation. Our entire extended family was sneaking looks and whispering on the other side of the gym. He was immediately facebook stalked by the cousins. When we got home this young man texted our daughter and asked her out. Wow. So our daughter talked it over with my husband and I and she asked if he would like to visit with the family that evening. He came for a few hours and we learned a lot about him. He must have come to the conclusion that we are “old fashioned” because when he stepped out the door he asked to speak to my husband in private and then asked for permission to date our daughter. Husband said that would be fine although she may like to double date with her sister and her husband. So now we know a lot of facts about this young man and we have an idea of what type of character he has. We are impressed with what we know and see but we do have some questions about what he believes. This is a crucial point because our daughter knows that she cannot allow herself to “fall in love” or “date” until she knows for certain that they would be compatible in their faith/beliefs as well as likemindedness (not a word I know) on certain topics which would be important to a marriage. She knows better than to give her heart (and him give his) only to later find out that it won’t work. After more discussion she learns that they have a major theological difference, and she gently explains that it wouldn’t be wise to continue. This is how it practically played out for this situation, and every situation is going to be different. Every child is going to be different as well. For example, our oldest daughter and her husband decided not to kiss until their wedding, the very idea of which caused our third daughter to pull up her nose and declare that she planned to do otherwise. By the time our children are mature enough to consider dating towards marriage, we trust them to make their own decisions. So far, we don’t have to set rules such as, “Be home by 11:00” because they are setting their own boundaries. The Lord has blessed us with good relationships with our children and so they naturally look to us for some guidance. We pray a lot too. Deciding who to marry is next in importance only to deciding to give your life to the Lord.
Valerie says
This is a very interesting topic, and many Christians seems not to dive into. I never heard the word courtship before until a couple years age watching the popular TLC show 19 children and counting. They displaced their lives and their children courtship relationships, but as we see even their lives and courtships have ended in disaster. I think we as Christians often place certain people on a pedestal and often we forget that no one is perfect. But, we often forget to pray earnestly for a spouse, seek discernment, and seek Jesus first in a marriage relationship. For example, I was a young 18 year old girl 11 years ago and I starting dating this person who is now my husband, but we at the time were not living for Christ and living for ourselves. Well, to make the story short, we had a surprise pregnancy that made us get married. At the time we were head over heels for each other, but we lived outside God’s Word and lived in a sin relationship. Although, I love my husband, now as a Christian I see that I could of spared me many hardships and disappointments if I keep the Commandments of God. I would have loved being in a courtship relationship rather than the traditional dating of the world, but I think we need to remember that courtship dating is not a step process with man made rules and traditions. We need to have our young adults seeking Jesus first before they can have a sincere courtship. Also, courtship just sounds bad because of the how many people have defined it. I think we need to teach our young adults to have healthy relationships with the opposite sex, by getting to know them, praying for them, not rushing a marriage that might end in failure. We need to redefine the word courtship and dating because it just doesn’t sound right. I believe their is a healthier form of dating without getting into sexual relationships with someone before marriage, while discerning if this person is the right person to marry. Marriage is a huge commitment and is something that is suppose to portray our relationship with God.
Kristin says
We lean toward courtship because my husband and myself both played the dating game as teens and wound up with broken hearts. Neither of us was raised in a godly home and weren’t taught about how to have a good marriage (both of our mothers were married multiple times). This, along with the fact that we aren’t perfect, led to almost immediate and severe problems early in our marriage. We were seperated and on the verge of divorce. Thankfully, God used a sweet, elderly Christian marriage counsellor to help us. Today, by Gods grace, we have been married 22 years and have 9 great kids, some of whom are teens and one of whom is the same age I was when I got married.
We have always encouraged our kids to have friends, girls and boys. We make time for them to get together and hang out in groups. I tell them this is a way you can get to know someone’s real personality. You can see how they interact with others.
We also have get-togethers at our home and invite whole families. That way we can get to know parents and see how the kids interact with their parents. So far, we have not had any of the kids who disagree with our philosophy of waiting to get serious about someone until you are ready to start looking for a spouse. I think it helps that we have shared with them our story of heartache and marriage problems. We also encourage them to do some research of their own and read books like I Kissed Dating Goodbye, and When God Writes Your Love Story. I’ve told all the kids, it may not be Gods will for all of you to get married. Put your relationship with Him first and work on becoming the Christian He wants you to be.
Most important, my husband and I pray for our kids and their future spouses. Things are not perfect and disappointments have occurred (for us and the kids), but God is merciful and forgiving. We go on doing the best we can serving The Lord while they wait.
Stacey J says
Love this conversation as I have two girls ages 14 and 12 and I am starting to have these kinds of discussions with my oldest as well as with other moms some who have girls my age and some who have girls already married or engaged. I have also seen how the Duggars do courtship and some things I like and some I don’t. Like you Amy, I have a blueprint in my head but how it will all work out I don’t know until the time comes but I so agree with what you said about raising adults, not children. If I have done my job then the rest is up to them. Look forward to what others have to say about this topic.
Sheila Mom to seven says
Amen and amen.
Diana says
Thanks for sharing your thoughts! I’m looking forward to reading the discussion. I also appreciate what you said:
“I’m SO glad I did not go out on a limb at the time and try to act like I knew what I was talking about because my views have changed on the matter, and more than likely will evolve even more when my older children begin this journey.”
I have so often been tempted to write about things that I’ve observed but not yet lived through, and I too try to resist the temptation. Living life is so different than watching others do it.
I love your observations! Thanks for sharing!
Diana says
Oh, and I should mention that while I haven’t fully explored the courtship model (looking forward to learning more from the comments), I did do the dating model, and it was an absolute disaster (naive young adult + long-term serious relationships + plenty of opportunities for sexual sin = BAD). I definitely want to help my children avoid that minefield ] if we can at all manage it!!
Michele pleasanTs says
We’ve talked about this a lot on my blog and in our family. We tried the strict courtship thing with one of our daughters and it ended. Thankfully. You are so right- it can become an idol. We tell our kids to seek God first and trust Him to work out the details Well written post, Amy. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
Amy says
Michele, would you mind posting links to some of the posts on your blog for others to read?
Michele P says
Thanks for sharing Amy! We certainly do NOT have the answers either. We do believe that a courtship is successful whether it ends in marriage or whether God directs them differently! Walking that road is difficult, but working together as a family and relying on God are vital!
Stacy says
I found the book Courtship in Crisis by Thomas Umstadtt very enlightening. He grew up in the homeschool courtship culture and has some very interesting insights.
Cici says
Seven years ago, our 14 yo daughter informed us that she wanted to court. My husband said, “I don’t know what that is, but we will figure it out.” Our daughter’s friend provided her several books on courting, and we joined a group of mother/daughters for an I Kissed Dating Goodbye book club. It all sounded good, and it was what our daughter wanted to do. Three years later, a young man called my husband and asked to court our daughter. She panicked. She did not want to court. She is now a 21-year-old nursing student.
Daughter #2 said she wanted to Kiss Dating Hello. She went on her first date at age 16 (she is now 17). She has been in a relationship with her 17-year-old boyfriend for 10 months. They are committed to purity and we have not had any problems.
All this to say, there is no “right” way…. other than to trust in a sovereign God. And pray a lot! 🙂
Donna says
I did not grow up in the courtship model. My first intro to it were Joshua Harris’s books which were either loved or hated by my fellow Christian school classmates. I jumped fully into the casual dating world in college which left me scarred, broken and ashamed. Thankfully, I met my now husband and I wanted to be the kind of woman a man like him would want. He was a new Christian full of fire. I was a church veteran who’d lost my way. His passion for the Lord was inspiring, and through a careful friendship and growing affection, I changed. He loved me, and still does, with the grace I so desperately needed.
I do not want my girls to do things the way I did, and I will try my best to keep honest communication with them as they grow, so that they might make better choices. My parents were/are godly, but we didn’t talk about those things. I just knew what was expected, and when I failed, it completely devestated me and sent me spiraling into a cycle of sin and shame. Yes, there should be boundaries, but there should be grace. Grace so that a mistake doesn’t mean the end of the world.
As to courtship and dating, I think we focus too much on labels. I know people on both sides who got it right and who got it wrong. The most important thing is that Jesus is at the center, no matter what you call it.
Alison says
I love this!! Great post on an excellent conversation.
Karen says
I agree with you on so much. One thing that really has been helpful as our children approach marrying age is just being around people at church and families. When children grow up together and are around these children for long periods of time either at church or as families, courtship almost isn’t necessary. Parents know the general character of the other children in the other family. Your child knows the character of the child from the other family. We made a deliberate choice of church based upon Christian fellowship and Godly families. We even moved the and a half hours away so we could attend this church. I see it starting to pay dividends.
Theresa Park says
I was raised in the “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” generation. I came from a non-denominational background and was around non-patriarchal homeschool families. I went to public school and both my parents worked so we were not your mainstream courtship families. My brother was married before he was a senior in highschool due to pregnancy before marriage so I knew I wanted something different. I had no clue what that was but when I read Elizabeth Elliot’s Passion and Purity with a small group of girls at my church I found the ‘solution’.
I knew all my friends had boyfriends and dated people. My parents only rules were that you can’t date till you are 16 and do not have sex before marriage. What I learned from ‘dating’ was that even Christian guys wanted WAY more than I wanted to offer. Purity was not really talked about and how far is too far was subjective. Everything seemed TOO FAR for my liking. SO, on my own without parental guidance or support I decided no more dating. That when the Lord was ready for me to meet my husband he would bring him my way. All my friends from that small group followed the same kind of model so it was nice to not be alone……. then they all got married! I was still single and staying strong to my convictions. I still hung out with our single/college age groups. Then I was offered a job at a youth ranch for troubled teens. It was, in a way, God answering my prayer for kids without actually having a husband yet! At this point in my life I became quite content in my singleness. Prior to accepting the job at the ranch I met my future-husband. At first glance I could not even CONCEIVE he would be my future mate. He did not know the Lord, worked with my brother in law enforcement and was in the middle of a divorce to his 3rd wife. He had poor taste in women in the past and all 3 of his wives cheated on him, He asked my brother for my phone number and my brother told him absolutely NOT! Since he was a little thick headed, he asked again to which my brother replied, “Don’t ask me again! You are not getting her phone number. I do not want your genes poisoning my gene pool!” Point taken!
There were many unspoken NEVERs that I told the Lord. I would NEVER marry someone in law enforcement. Being raised by a cop was enough exposure! LOL! I would never marry someone who had kids. I would never marry someone who was previously married. WELL, I am so glad God is bigger than my ‘never’!
While my brotter told me of his interest I was too excited about my new job to even think twice about his interest. Plus I knew he was a mess and didn’t know Jesus so no thanks! After about 3 months of his life getting worse, he began confiding in my brother and another guy from church. They began to give him the gospel and he received it like he was drinking water for the first time. He was able to stop drinking and smoking within a week after coming to know the Lord. He was at every home bible study OR at my brothers house every evening of the week when the church was not open. Immediately he was embraced by the church family as his own family rejected him in his new found faith. He had spiritual parents and brothers and sisters. His hunger for the word was insatiable. After about a year of becoming part of the family it was no uncommon on my weekend sabbaticals, where I stayed with my brother, to have him over the house for meals. My brother, the one who was initially quite opposed to his interest in me, that asked us to pray about being right for one another. My brother, while he did not practice courtship, supported me enough to explain what courtship was to this newer Christian. He was thankful to have another method of getting to know someone since apparently his former experiences were quite tragic. After 6 months of courtship we were engaged. After 4 months of engagement we were married. That was 19 years ago. In 2018 we will celebrate our 20th anniversary. After 5 years of marriage my hubby let me know that when he was 15 he fathered a child out of wedlock and she was adopted at birth. In 2005 we found her and got to meet her. She was raised by an amazing Christian family and it was quite awesome to see God’s redemption. My kids loving having a big sister and we love that she gets to join us in family events! Her parents are quite a bit older and will not be in this earth much longer so it is a God thing that she has family that will still be alongside her.
Our marriage has seen its fair share of hardship. I underwent brain surgery in 2003 and had a 30% chance of not surviving leaving my husband with 3 children under 5 to care for alone. PRAISE GOD he saw us through. I look back at the choices of men and the things I said NEVER to now. Standards are good and for good reason but it is unrealistic expectations that we place on future mates that KEEP many single courtship minded people single! We forget to have grace with others as much as it has been given to us. The consequences of sin is always death yet the earthly consequences of sin sometimes make us shy away from those that many deem ‘unworthy’. So thankful that God brought me the man that I married and I did not let his past determine our future!
Cici says
Thanks for sharing! I needed to hear your story of God’s awesome sovereignty. <3
Julie says
I agree a lot with your article – my two oldest children waited until they were 18+ to start dating and that was not even a rule in our home. It is just how it happened with them. My oldest daughter started dating a guy that she was working with (and she started working at 16) – and it was funny how it all worked out – he was also Christian/homeschooled – but we didn’t know their family! They have now been married for a year. My son has dated 2 girls – both attended public school – and unfortunately – first one had major family issues – mother/dad never married, had 3 children together, mother very bitter, father with anger issues and it was majorly affecting all of her children, second one had a better family situation but was still very immature and not teachable. He is currently single- and I agree VERY much with your statement of not looking for perfection – because without us even pushing anything on him – he is striving for what he sees in us as a married couple and in his grandparents and I have had to remind him numerous times – NONE of us are what we were 20 years ago, 50 years ago, when we would have been starting out at your age – you grow into those people- look for someone who loves God and is humble. I have told him – the common denominator in those 6 people’s lives – they are all saved, Bible believing Christians, not perfect, growing every day.
Kayla says
You have some very valid points! Thanks for starting the discussion off on a great foot.
I married 5 years ago, while we were still in college. We aimed for a “traditional” courtship but didn’t get it. We were 12 hours from my family, 6 hours from his, and our college friends often “left us alone” in the dining hall, which frustrated me to no end. I didn’t want it to be about “us,” I wanted to see him interact with all kinds of people. Hard to do when everyone assumes you want couple time…
That being said, I am thankful we entered our relationship intentional about pursuing marriage. My mom often warned me that I wouldn’t really know who he was until the ring was on the finger, but I didn’t find that to be the case. We had little money before or after marriage, so dates were yearly events, not weekly ones. We kept our eyes open for “deal-breakers” because neither of us wanted to waste the other’s time. And we had to wait for his parents to give their blessing before we got engaged… they thought we should wait until after college while I suggested that our education was not of greater value than our relationship. We got married and our first son was born 16 days after I graduated. 😉
Your statement about being teachable and seeking the Lord really hit the nail on the head. For my single friends who are still waiting for a husband, I encourage them to look for someone who fits that description, because truly those are the most important qualities. If they are teachable, they are willing to learn how to love you well. If they are seeking the Lord, this puts all other priorities into perspective.
Laura says
“If they are teachable, they are willing to learn how to love you well. If they are seeking the Lord, this puts all other priorities into perspective.” I’m writing that down as the best one-sentence synopsis (for myself, anyway 🙂 ) I’ve read!
Tm says
I enjoyed reading everyone’s post. I was raised in church all my life. I had good parents but my parents didn’t protect me enough. I had ungodly friends and was in public schooI. I was with several partners before my wedding day. Looking back I wish so much I would have waited. Unfortunately my friends influenced me more than my parents because I was with them more. That’s one of the many reasons we homeschool. I am thankful to God to be able to protect my 4 kids. It’s the job God has given me. In my opinion we need to protect and lead our children down the right path. If your uncertain you should pray about it but in my family I will be a little over protective. I don’t know the right answer I just know balance is the key to not getting extreme either way. I am not going to tell my child which person to choose but I will direct them and prevent, to the best of my ability, youthful lust. My children will not go out on a date alone for a long time. My kids are younger so I don’t know what age yet. My kids and I are close. I want to keep that relationship so my kids respect me and value my opinion. I will do my best to guide them but there is only so much I can do. One thing I know is marriage is a commitment we vow to keep till death. That’s a huge commitment. I want to teach my kids the importance of making sure they have found who God has for them.
Heather Anderson says
Having gone through courtship myself and married two of our nine children off, my husband and I still really believe in the courtship model. But it I really about the heart issues not the rules. You can put a bunch of boundaries around a couple but if their hearts aren’t in it their marriage won’t be anymore godly than if they dated. Like you stated, we are raising adults. These kids have to help work out the lines and boundaries, with guidance, and really make it their own. Our goal is to prepare our kids to learn how to reflect Christ in all things. That is a process that is ongoing. If we smother and control our kids, then they aren’t really able to grow and mature. That being said, we do believe parents ought to be very involved in the process. They have wisdom and insight that young people, especially when emotions get involved just don’t have yet.
Susan Jensen says
Thanks for writing this post. Today my first born daughter and her husband celebrate their 1 year anniversary. I would say that they had a pretty typical courtship. This was my daughter’s desire who would not talk to her husband until he came to her father. We encouraged her many times to at least be polite but with her personality she was not approaching him until he had shown interest. We will probably not do it this way again. I believe the Lord knows what is best for each person. We had just moved back from Colorado and we had gone to his parents church when we lived here before. When we moved back he came over and helped my husband paint and put in ceiling fans. Emily was 18 and a half and I hadnt even graduated her from highschool yet. It was the summer and my hubby had started a new job, I was at the end of my 10th pregnancy and we didn’t have a riding lawn mower so he started mowing for us once a week. He would come over also and have dinner or play games and just hang out with the family. About 6 weeks later he called my husband and wanted to know if he could have lunch. At lunch he shared with my husband that he felt like the Lord was telling himto get to know Emily better. He wanted to get to know her on a non committed level first and my hubby said that was fine but during that time it needed to be done at our house. After about a week he asked to officially court Emily and at that tiem we told both of them they needed to set their own boundaries. They both knew after their first long talk that they would be getting married. They started their courtship the end of August and were married the end of January. It was a wonderful first experience but i am open to the fact that all of my children may not do it this way.Each couple will have their own story to tell.
Janiene says
Great post.
Reggie says
Absolutely loved your thoughts concerning a young person even being of marriable age first, as well as the fact that once they are, they are an adult and it is no longer our role as parent to ‘control’ who and what they choose to expose themselves to. That being said, watching the stumbling and outright rebellion toward their upbringing can be HEARTBREAKING.
Have a relationship with your children. Take on the hard conversations, because if you don’t, someone else will. Remember they are imperfect persons in an imperfect world…and so are you. Impart truth to reveal the lies and character to direct their choices. And more than anything, shower them in prayer,then place them in the hands of an Omnipotent Father…and try your darndest to leave them there.
Christina says
It was very interesting reading your thoughts and the comments of others. I have not seen this movie but it looks intriguing. I am Christian (LDS) and at my church the youth begin to have regular activities together at 12 with things like dances, conferences, and service projects added at 14. The general rules of dating are in groups once you are 16 and then as couples around 18. Dating should always be done with marriage in mind but you should not date exclusively until you are ready for marriage. Spending time with each others families is important if possible too. There is heavy emphasis in my church to work on developing the characteristics within yourself that you are looking for in others who you may want to date. There is also a big push for youth but particularly girls to attend post-secondary education for at least some time before getting married. Our church provides lots of opportunities for young men and women to meet and mingle- from scripture study programs and conferences to 3 universities with numbers between 2400 students to over 30,000.
My experience dating had some heart breaks but in the trailer where the woman said that God would guide the two together proved to be very true in my case. My husband and I are literally from opposite sides of the planet, speaking different languages and coming from different cultures yet looking back we were preparing to meet each other for about 6 years before we actually did. There is a long list of what some would call crazy coincidences but I call it our Heavenly Father preparing and watching over me (and him!). We met while at university and while I never had a chance to met his parents until a few years after we were married his sister attended university with us and I was able to see his interactions with her and how he treated her. We attended classes together and church together as well as social events. My parents did meet him before we got married.
Once we started dating we started to spend time discussing the future. We went through a book of 300 questions to ask before getting married- doing one chapter of questions each Sunday afternoon together. We believe that marriage is for eternity so we really wanted to make sure that we discussed and were aligned on many issues before getting engaged. I ended up getting married at 21 (he was 24) and we have been married for 11 years now.
Our children are still quite young (the oldest is 9) but we plan to encourage our children in many of the ways which I mentioned above. While I hope that they will seek our advice on those who they choose to date I feel that our role is more in the preparing them to make wise decisions, have a strong sense of self-worth and a solid knowledge that they are children of God and that they are loved, their bodies are sacred and that their relationship with God is important.
Alicia says
You might be interested in these podcasts from Kendra & Andy Fletcher, of Homeschooling in Real Life. Highly recommend!!!
http://www.homeschoolingirl.com/search?q=Courtship
Amy says
Kendra is a good friend of mine from the blogging world!
Djoflo says
This is such an interesting conversation. I did not grow up being homeschooled, but we do homeschool our children. I did not grow up in a family that taught courtship was the path to finding your spouse and I won’t teach my children that either. I can see the draw and benifits of courtship and completely respect families who choose this path. I grew up in a family with parents who were and are very in love with each other and God. We never had rules about dating or even curfews for that matter. Instead my parents were very open to talking through ever situation as an individual event. I do remember my mom telling me she always thought it was more fun to go out with a group of friends than individually. I agreed and that was what I did all through high school. Looking back she was totally setting an expectation of not going on individual dates. There were a lot of little conversations like that that shaped my choices. So by the time I was in college I had never been on a “real date” I’d never been kissed, I’d never been truly hurt by a boy. I had seen friends do and experience hurt in relationships. So I knew I wouldn’t be dating anyone until I was serious and I wouldn’t be going around kissing anyone for the fun of it. My parents raised me to know and understand that relationships are serious and ca n hurt one or both parties if they are casual. Fast forward to my junior year of college I still hadn’t dated or kissed anyone but I’d learned a lot about myself and made great friends both men and women. I met my husband and knew within a week he was the one. We were engaged within 4 Months of dating and married less than a month after I graduated college. He is the only man I’ve ever dated or kissed and all because my parents taught me to be picky, guard my heart, learn to make friends, and let God lead the way. Basically, They taught me to be an adult. My brother has a similar story, maybe he kissed a few girls along the way though. But we are both happily married to people who love God. His wife is my best friend and our kids are having fun growing up together. We are blessed.
Naomi sayers says
I really agree about the whole don’t date ( or go out with as we call it here in England) until you are of a marriageable age/ situation. It is so hard facing temptation when you know you may not be able to marry for years, also if you are of an age to marry it focuses your minds on how serious this actually is, do I want to marry this man or lady? rather than do I want them as a boyfriend or girlfriend.
Naomi sayers says
Just to say I w”went out with” a BOY when I was 16 and he was 17, we had years to wait, I fell totally in love with him, gave a bit too much of my heart to him, when he broke it off I was devastated, it took me a long time to get over that. A few years later I met a MAN, we were of a marriageable age, we prayed together, we talked and talked and talked, we knew that we were spending time together to see if we were right to marry each other, the focus was so different to before. We’ve been married for 17 years, love him more now than ever, he’s not perfect, I’m not perfect, but I believe he is the one God intended for me. I have to say if my parents had tried to control everything I would have really struggled with that, they advised me as I grew up, but at the end of the day, it’s the man and the woman that will be a new unit, not the parents! Thankfully my parents are very fond of my husband but they certainly did not choose him!
Lancashirelass says
Naomi, I completely understand what you have said about we British not liking to be directed by parents. Our son would have rebelled had we tried anything like that. He was certainly not perfect – nor possibly honourable in all ways – but I would like to think we showed him a good example. After having gone about in a group for many years, and a few individual dates, he met ‘the one’, they have been married almost six years and have now had the ‘miracle baby’ as they call her after four years of trying. The important thing, I believe, is example.
Nicole says
I was JUST discussing this with my husband and daughter the other day. I never had rules about dating and I paid the price for that. I want better for my daughter and a “modern, customized version of courtship” seems to be a great solution. Thank you for this post.
Dana V says
Amy….
What a great article! Jamie and I have been talking a lot about this lately. We were so worldly before we came to know the Lord(after our oldest was 1yr). That we really decided the only way to go was completely and totally opposite from everything that we had ever known(Swiss Family). Well 14 yrs later we see some of that works but not all of it. We have relaxed in some of our rigidness. Plus we feel that we have laid a firm foundation with our older kids. And have open lines of communication with them. So I guess what I am saying is even though we have a firm belief in The Lord what that looks like in ALL aspects of life is a little bit less clear. Having children, being married and watching other people walk that rigid walk and not do well has humbled us a lot. Love your honesty and heart Amy! Miss you and Ty.
Joanne says
Hi Amy
Thank you for the article. I’m a mom of 7 children,2 girls & 5 boys. My oldest girl will be 21 in May. Last summer she entered into a courtship with a young man.It all seemed to be going great. Our families got together and had fellowship and the two of them seemed to be made for each other. We allowed them to text and talk on the phone. He lives in another state. We truly felt that this was the man she would marry. They had almost everything in common and both wanted to serve God faithfully. Well, he went off to an ultra conservative bible college and things went down hill quickly. All of a sudden she wasn’t godly enough for him. He expected her to act like a 40yr old preachers wife when she’s only a 20 yr old young lady beginning to navigate life. His expectations are unrealistic. The whole situation has hurt her deeply.
I agree with the points you made in your article. My husband is a youth pastor. We do not have a segregated youth group. We are conservative but realistic. Boys & girls need to interact with one another. I didn’t raise my girls to run & hide when a boy speaks with them. That’s ridiculous. I’m raising my boys to be respectful to young ladies. All people for that matter. Someday they will have to go out into the world and speak with all kinds of people. We do our children a disservice by not equipping them to live in this world. Yes, we need to uphold godly standards but no person can attain perfection. Like you, I’d rather my children find a life mate who is teachable and loves and respects them. My daughter’s are nut meant to be maids who take orders from their husbands nut are my bus supposed to be dictators over their wives. Ephesians 5:21-29
Holly Castillo says
Applause! And Amen!
Ginger says
I did not grow up a Christian but we like the courtship model and will probably use it a GUIDE to our children, whom the oldest is 8. However, that being said, I agree with the person above who wrote that God can use any method to bring people together. My husband was not a believer when we married and I was (no, I wasn’t backslidden), it was COMPLETELY THE GRACE OF GOD on our lives and bottom line, God wanted us together. Though I believe this method is WAY outside the norm and not to be used as a model, it has opened me up to the realization that God works in ways we can’t comprehend sometimes and to not put a box on Him.
However, my husband says he loves the Courtship model and wants to pursue it as a guide in our house. I’m hoping that, coupled with the HS and God’s direction, can help show us the way for our own kids (soon to be someday adults).
Holly Castillo says
In our house the simplest way to put it is this:
Pray.
No smoking.
No drinking.
No premarital sex.
No disrespecting parents.
If you intent to join the family, respect it.
If you have intent to be married, be ready to support yourselves 100%.
(If you want to be an adult, act like an adult.)
Safe guards are not a bad thing!
LOL!?!?! We joke with our child you better be ready to take the entire family out of the girl you are interested in.
(A joke based on REAL Filipino customs that are still observed by many families. We are a blended culture household.)
If you can’t respect asking the parents for time and guidance (including your minister), the impending marriage is not ready.
Sorry! Not sorry, old school is “new school” for us. I am not prepared to parent a child who would willingly disrespect our family values. My children know this. I know this. I am comfortable with the consequences.
Nicole says
My question is how do you start the conversation about “making babies” and all that goes with it with your kids. My boys are 6 and 5 girls are 3 and 1 and I am pregnant. The boys have certainly seen me pregnant enough. My oldest has been in and out of seeing me pregnant since he was a baby 🙂 We have had lots of conversations about divorce (my parents are divorced) and about being commited to a spouse and how marriage is forever. We have talked a little about what dating is and what marriage means. The kids know the baby comes out of my tummy when I go to the hospital. They know it takes a mommy and a daddy and you “have to be married” (we just leave it at that for now) but how do you go about the rest? I did read something recently about just answering the questions when they ask but I’m just wondering if you have any other wisdom to share! (my parents just gave me a book when I was 13 so I dont have much of a model there!)
Amy says
Nicole – that’s what I do…answer as we go at an age appropriate level. I think I had “the” talk with my oldest daughter at around 14, and I just answered her questions. I can’t remember how old my son was.
Dyan C. says
Amy – Thank you for writing this! So many good comments. I am curious to see an update on what you have encountered and learned as your kids have grown. I would love for you to share what has worked or not worked for you. I am also of the mindset that each child/young adult is individual and there is no one-size fits all formula. I was not raised with any guidance and dated several guys from age 14 on. I made lots of painful mistakes, and am raising my kids differently. My hope is that my children will all see marriage as a life-long commitment and treat others (and themselves) with respect as someone’s potential spouse. I have a 21 year old who is doing her own thing (and reaping some pain from her choices), nearly 20 year old twin daughters who are not ready for serious commitments (and recognize that, and are guarding their hearts), and an almost 18 year old daughter who is in an intentional courting/dating relationship with an 18 year old fellow homeschooler from a family we love (both of these kiddos are questioning their faith, yet are respectful and open minded), plus five younger kids from 16-6. It’s hard because you don’t want them to make the mistakes you made, and so want to protect them, but you also want to keep a loving trusting relationship with them into adulthood, where they feel safe to come to you even if they disagree. My regret is that I was not ready to deal with our views on dating/courtship by the time it was thrust upon us. I had some super-conservative ideas when my kids were young, but some of that has had to change based on life, their personalities, and their choices. Ultimately, God is sovereign over all of this, and I like what one of the commenters said about the fact that none of us are who we were in our early 20s. We grow and change together, and they will too.
Amy says
Hi Dyan! So, yes, I do need to come back to this conversation! We have 4 young adults (2 of which are married) and all of them have handled this differently. However, I am really having trouble formulating my thoughts on this topic because of how different it has been for my older children and some of the issues we’ve faced as well. That said, like you, I definitely do not hold the super conservative ideas I had when my children were all young either. It just didn’t play out very practically in our lives.