It seems like a natural fact of parenting that boys between the ages of 9 and 13 have an attitude. When a reader emailed me with a question about parenting and discipling attitudes in boys, I was actually excited to be able to address this topic because it gives me the opportunity to share with all of you parenting wisdom that was passed on to me many years ago.
Here is the email…
“I have a constant struggle with my struggling 10 year old boy. His attitude stinks, he is rude to others and mostly has a lack of discipline when it comes to doing school. I struggle with consequences for not getting work done…What have you found useful for motivating/ or disciplining your boys? Thanks for some creative ideas!”
Is your child defiant and disrespectful?
First of all, it helps tremendously for mothers and fathers to know WHY boys often exhibit defiant, rude, and disrespectful behavior shortly before they become teenagers, and well on into their teenage years. The world will tell you this is just the “normal teenager,” but that’s a somewhat hopeless answer; a throw-my-hands-up-in-the-air sort of answer, and just not acceptable.
What’s really going on is actually quite simple, but not something we moms readily realize…
Our boys are growing up.
That’s right. That attitudes you see in your son is him growing up and trying to figure out who he is, where his place is in the family, and over whom he has authority.
If your son has younger siblings, you might see him trying to exercise authority over them by barking orders or lashing out when they don’t do what he wants, when he wants it done.
You might see your son grouching over school work and giving you guff or even pouting. He might seem moody and off kilter. One day, he’s super man, the next, he’s totally unsure of himself. (Sounds a bit like our daughters, huh?)
Boys go through hormonal changes, but they also go through dominion changes. Honestly, I think all boys have an innate sense that they are supposed to conquer something. Often, the first manifestation of this need to conquer starts with those closest to him…his own family. In boyish foolishness, he sets out to be in charge.
So, what’s a mom to do (or a dad, for that matter) with this child who is looking to become a man?
Here’s are a couple of books that might help you in this journey!
Raising boys who act like men
1. Lay ground rules about who is in charge. Your son needs to know he cannot treat his family/friends/strangers with disrespect. He needs to know what type of behavior you expect when it comes to family interactions and school work. You have to set a standard and then hold him to it. We’ll talk more in just a moment about one of the best ways to discipline when a standard is blatantly ignored.
2. Give responsibility. You’ve probably been watching your son’s attitudes and behavior and thinking, this kid doesn’t deserve any responsibilities! But, that will backfire on you. Your son needs to know you expect him to become a man and he needs to be given man jobs, little by little. Mom, you are going to have to let him grow up and let him try new things…hard things. Praise him for the heavy lifting he does for you, praise him for diligence in completing a “man-sized” task, praise him for showing himself to be a workman approved. When he does well, give him more responsibility and also more privileges.
3. Revoke privileges as punishment. Because he is beginning to have man-sized responsibilities and man-sized privileges, you now have a way to discipline your son when he has an attitude or tries to take over your authority or blatantly disrespects you.
Let me give you an example: Suppose one privilege your son has acquired is the ability to shoot airsoft guns with friends in the field behind your house. Suppose he chooses during one of his airsoft battles to yell at his little brother. Because one of his man-sized responsibilities is to take charge of his younger brother and protect him and he did not do that job properly, he has now lost the ability to shoot airsoft guns with friends in the field. He hasn’t lost the responsibility of caring for his younger brother, but he has lost the privilege of playing with friends. In fact, for the next several weeks, he must take his little brother out to the field to shoot, lending him his own gun and giving him lessons on how to safely use an airsoft gun.
4. Point toward Christ as an example. Guiding our son toward Christ provides him with 2 things:
A standard of godly living
and
Much needed humility.
Our sons need to see their faults and they need to see their need for a Savior, but they also need to see hope and approval in Christ. Don’t let your son never be good enough. Spending his growing up years harping on him over every little thing will not make him stronger, it will make him resentful.
5. More time with Dad (if possible). Mama, it’s time to start cutting the apron strings. Your son needs to know what manhood looks like (yes, even imperfect manhood). He needs to spend less and less time being your buddy and more and more time being about the things of men…preferably with his dad.
6. Male role models are a must. If Dad isn’t in the picture, then you’ll need to start here, but if dad is in the picture, this is not the place to start. Wait on this one until your son has a well-established relationship with his father. As he ages, he will naturally begin to seek out men who fit into his picture of role models. Help him find these men and be involved, rather than defensive. My son is 14 and this transition has not happened yet, nor do I anticipate it happening until he is several years older. So, unless you are needing to help him find someone because of an absentee father, don’t push the issue of finding male role models outside the family. And never, ever assume a man who appears to be safe and godly truly is. This is one area where you should be protecting your son by being involved.
However, I would highly encourage you read about Bible Heroes, and start watching videos and reading the books of godly preachers with your son. These men are role models too even if you do not know them personally!
Related post: 27 Bible Heroes to Encourage Our Sons
I hope this sheds some light into the reasons why boys reach a certain age and start firing away with larger than life attitudes, as well as offering you a way to guide them toward manhood. May you and your sons be blessed in the journey!
Related post: What You Might Not Know About Raising Boys
Lynda says
Your timing is awesome Amy! Just yesterday we had one of those moments where my son was stretching those “dominion” muscles with me. As a single parent I’m never sure if I handle these situations properly, but I did exactly what you said in stating this behavior is unacceptable and placing restrictions on privileges.
For some months now I’ve been noticing a “bossiness” in my son towards me. He has no siblings, so this was like an “A-Ha” moment. Thank you for these wonderful posts.
Amy says
Great job, mama! I was so thankful to have the information long before my son hit that stage. It made it all make so much more sense. Do you have resources available to you for giving him some godly man-training as he grows up?
Lynda says
Unfortunately not as much as I’d like. We recently moved closer to my sister and her husband (my hope was he would fill the void), but he’s not much interested in that role. He is still harboring hurt feelings for his own parents and how they raised him, and he doesn’t exhibit the Godly character I’d like my son to emulate. Funny how you don’t really know someone until you live with them for 6 months.
We’re members of a great church though, and I’m hoping to find more help there.
Amy says
I’ll be praying for you! My mom raised two boys as a single mom and she has told me how she asked in the church for role models and no one would step in. I have a special place in my heart for moms raising boys alone. (HUGS)
Anonymous says
HI Amy! Great post. I have a 15 year old son and these are all things that our family has faced over the past few years. Now my just 12 year old son is starting to show these stretching growing changes, that can be so difficult for him and (us!!) to deal with, but deal we must!
I just wanted to restate something that you said at the very end. Please, please for your precious children’s sake, never trust anyone blindly to mentor your sons (or daughters) no matter how good, Godly, and absolutely harmless they seem. We did, and even though we were providing near constant supervision when our children were in this persons presence, he still managed to attempt to harm one of our children in a very real way, in the few minutes that it took to go to the mailbox and back. And this person, was a loved, trusted elderly member of our own family, who was living with my children’s grandparents. And this threat happened more than once before our child confided in us what was happening in those 3 or 4 minute long walks outside. This is a person I grew up loving as a little girl, someone who attended church every. single. time. the doors where opened, someone who was an ordained pastor, and someone who now is in jail for child molestation and attempted statutory rape. After our child told us about the threat that was being posed, and the elderly person was confronted he admitted to attempting this with our children, and having DONE this to numerous other children for the past 50 years! We had NO IDEA!
I do not ever plan on writing this on my own blog, to protect my children from prying people, as so many of my own readers know us in person, so today I am posting this comment as anonymous, even though I have posted many comments here before as “myself”. But I just wanted to restate your warning, and say, I never believed our children were in any way under threat, but they were. I thought we were being so very careful, but with these precious lives you can never be too careful! Tread with much prayer!
ChristineMM says
Great post. I was scared to read what you were going to say since I have heard a lot of terrible advice and also some Christian writing which emasculates boys and expects them to act like compliant little girls.
You are spot on with this advice.
I think though, that this is a process that will go on for years. Do not expect a simple fix at age 10 and think you are done until the day they move out of the house as young men. This is the same core issue and challenge for parents in the teen years. Even using the same consequences, it doesn’t stop the GROWTH and DEVELOPMENT of the teen, so they are always trying to gain more control over their lives and think they should be able to be completely independent when they are not even 16 and can’t even get a real job yet.
tamela says
Thank you Amy… My eldest son 32 years old now, never gave me the fit my 13 year old does some days… With the LORD’s guidance we will make it through all of this and he will be a fine young man… Looking to Jesus…
Damsel says
I agree 100% with the bit about giving more responsibility. My husband is in the Army, and is gone somewhat frequently for a week and up to a month at a time. Our 8-year-old son is charged with being the man of the house while Dad is gone. Each time he has to leave, my husband has a serious conversation about how our son is taking over several of his responsibilities – taking out the garbage, helping with our three-year-old daughter, and just a generally responsible attitude. Each time, our son rises to the expectations set – a piece of me thinks it’s because DAD set the expectation, but that’s wonderful! Amazingly, there are far fewer discipline issues with Dad gone. We’ve begun adding to his chore chart, and it has helped the attitude issue! 🙂
Amy says
Love that!
Jill says
This perfectly describes our oldest son, age 11. Thanks for the advice…lots of food for thought.
Karyn says
Boy attitudes – I need help with my girls’ attitudes, lol! But I like your points. I would add another, though much less profound – read books and watch movies with strong, moral men. Too often shows and movies show men as bumbling idiots and I think watching such things disrespects my husband and my boys. One book we read recently that was great for male role models was Ralph Moody’s Little Britches.
Amy says
You are so right! I should have linked to the post I did a while back about that topic: https://raisingarrows.net/2012/09/the-epidemic-of-stupid-men-and-useless-fathers/
Kayla says
Thanks. This gave me some insight into my 14 year old who has started being very bossy and talking in a mean, kind of booming voice to his 5 younger siblings, when he wants them to do something. I am trying some of the things you suggested already, but, this post helped me realize that it is a phase that we can work through.
Heather says
Thank you Amy! My 11 year has been struggling with the exact things you described. It’s wonderful to have encouragement that we are trying to do the right thing, knowing you have an older son and you have already been through this territory. Thank you for letting God use you!
Amy says
And we are still there 😉
Ellie Miller says
Ahhh, thank you, thank you for this post! I feel like we’re already seeing this inner struggle between boyhood and manhood in our almost 7 year old! I’m pinning this so I can read it over and over again!
Amy says
🙂
Jenn says
Loved this advice but was wondering if you have any specific books that would be good reads on this topic? I have been wondering what is going on with my just turned 11 year old and I never thought of your points. Would you say its sort of like a power struggle? I always thought that girls were supposed to be worse but I guess we haven’t hit puberty around here yet (which scares me to death).
Amy says
While I don’t know of any that specifically address this “power struggle” (good way of describing it), I really like the selections mentioned at the end of this post: https://raisingarrows.net/2010/11/raising-manly-men-in-the-city/ for giving boys advice on how to be hard working and responsible godly men.
LaToya Edwards says
Amy this is great! My son is only 6.5 but I’m starting to see some of this same attitude/disrespect already. My boys’ dad is not involved and I’m having a hard time finding a godly role model for them. Any tips/suggestions?? Also any recommendations for those godly preachers you mentioned?
THANKS
Amy says
LaToya,
I’d try reaching out in your church first. I’d also take a moment to listen to What to Expect from a 12 year old by S.M. Davis (I think you can find it free on SermonAudio.com or there is a link in this post to actually purchase it: https://raisingarrows.net/2011/02/being-about-the-things-of-men-a-son-turns-13/ ) I’d look for strong role models from history (think of early church fathers, or WWII heroes or Martin Luther King, Jr. etc), then dive into documentaries and books about or by those role models. Remember, no man is perfect, but your son will greatly benefit from learning what a strong man looks and acts like. I really like a lot of Voddie Baucham’s sermons (also on SermonAudio.com) and Doug Phillips has some great sessions on being a manly man. Take a look at this post for more ideas (there is a list of Bible verses full of godly, strong men in that post too!) https://raisingarrows.net/2011/10/where-have-all-the-cowboys-gone-giveaway/
LaToya Edwards says
Thanks Amy! Unfortunately our church has been of no help at all. I’m in the process of looking for a new church though and praying that I’ll find some godly men willing to help me out!
Heathahlee says
Amy, I needed to read this today! My son turns 13 just ten days from today, and I always said Jesus was coming back before I had a teenager! LOL! But he exhibits behavior just like you stated above…trying to dominate. He’s an only child, so who does he try this out on? ME! And I so often lose my temper over it that I’m a horrible example of tough grace. 🙂 Thank you for putting this in perspective and giving me a little bit of a glimpse into his world. I am the baby of two girls, never having had a brother, so his behavior is totally alien to me! 🙂
Amy says
This is EXACTLY why I was so excited to be able to share this! It totally changed my perspective. 🙂
Raia says
Thanks for the great post! I especially appreciate the useful example under number 3. 🙂 I only have one son, and he’s only just turned 2, but boy, we’re dealing with this already. He thinks he’s in charge of all his sisters, even though he the second youngest! I knew girls were “little moms”, but I was not prepared for little boys to be so controlling too!
Mary says
Amy ~ wonderful advice. Sometimes I think our children are just feeling out who they are becoming, and learning how to handle hormonal changes and everything else that goes along with growing up. It’s disconcerting (to say the least) when they start to do this, but I do believe it is totally normal and I like the advice you give. I do also believe that (like you said) the answer “oh, it’s just teenagers” is a cop-out. What are we going to do about those “just teenagers” is the more appropriate reaction. Guide them, love them, and point them to Christ.
I love this post. Thank you!
Amy says
Thank you, Mary!
Homeschool on the Croft says
What fantastic advice. You are so right that boys are becoming men, and they do have an inbuilt sense of ‘I have to rule, to protect, and to get ‘out there’ ‘. The lack of challenges leaves many boys frustrated and they take that frustration out on parents/sibling/the world in general.
Lots of physical exercise is so useful to let their frustration escape.
Great words!
Homeschool on the Croft says
Oh, and I was going to say that for us we did have a ‘zero tolerance’ to disrespect to mum and dad. Sometimes there were other issues we worked around in other ways, but disrespect to us … It was a no-no.
Amy says
Agreed!
Kyndra says
I’ve read this before, but needed it today as I’m struggling with teenager attitude from our six year old!….K
Amy says
Yes, sometimes it starts young. 😉
Christy says
Thank you Amy for this! You have described my 12 year old perfectly with *flexing his dominion muscles* and the lashing out at younger siblings and definitely in trying to control ME when dad is working his 24 hr shifts. I can’t wait for my hubby to read this! THANK YOU!
Amy says
You are welcome, Christy!
Paula says
Aha! I think that is what I am seeing with my three teenage boys. Even though each is dominating/conquering new challenges in own area-music, athletics, etc.) and I believe feeling successful overall, they are still trying to dominate in the household. It is almost like a pecking order mentality. Is the notion of “boys/men needing to conquer’ your hunch or rooted in scripture?
Amy says
My Scriptural basis for this is everything from the dominion mandate in Genesis to the order of headship in the New Testament. My “hunch” is that this is God-given drive to lead and conquer that starts to really show itself at this age.
Shelby DiRoma says
This article put many things into perspective for me, however do these same principles hold true to say a 4 year old boy? Right now I am going through these same issues with my 4 yr old. If you have any advice in this situation I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you for your time and wisdom!
Crystal says
My 6 year old is also starting this behavior. Its been very difficult to deal with. Not really sure where to go with it.
Heather says
Oh my gosh..me too! My 4 year old is so disrespectful, mouthy, defiant…I am ALWAYS getting after him for it. I’m at my wits end and at the point where I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Gina Beldin says
This came at just the right time! I feel like my son is too young to be in this stage (he’s 6 1/2 y/o and in K). But when I read over your article it really seems to hit the nail on the head. It’s very frustrating for me because I grew up with no boys, so I don’t readily “get” them. I only work 1 1/2 days a week so I’m home with the boys more than Daddy. I will be working on your ideas! Thank you!
Jessica says
Amy your kids are so grown up looking in your recent pictures! Have you written an update to this post anywhere? I am wondering if there would be anything you’d add, in retrospect! 😀
Amy says
I still feel like this post is exactly what I would say even now. 🙂
Lacey S says
Do you have a post about or a list of recommendations for videos, or preachers that your sons really enjoy? My boys are pretty little, but I wouldn’t mind listening to some things like that with them now. I have a some, but am always looking for something great to add to my collection! Thanks!!
Amy says
I do not have a list, but that’s a good idea! I’ll see if I can pull one together.
Keyla phillips says
Thanks so much for this post. I have a 12 yr. old that has been through this stage however my 10 yr. old is now in it. It seems like he is having a harder time with it than his older brother did. We have talked to him about how he treats others. He had two younger brothers that he tries to boss which we let him know that he’s not the boss. Glad to know there are other moms dealing with the same issue.
anna bair says
I am a single mom of 3 boys my oldest one is 4 and no matter what i do time out take things away from him and ground him from playing with his brothers and friends nothing helps his grandma had him for awhile and her son was very disrespectful to her and so now when my son doesnt get his way he tells me my uncle acts this way and you cant tell me what to do im going to go live on the streets and call cps on you so they take your babies you dont deserve them and i give him everything and get told i dont give him anything if im making dinner and its not done cooking he starts screaming that i never feed him i just dont know what to do anymore please if any suggestions leave a comment
Joy says
You have no idea how much I need this. I have two boys and there is a rivalry between them that is horrible. They have also both been calling me a jerk and telling me they hate me and that I’m a horrible mom, etc. I need prayers badly please. I’m a single mom. I pray for them daily. I feel like the devil I just hounding me trying to make me give up. God help me through this.
Heather says
I am a single mother of two boys. And I have no males in his life. I am struggling to stay on top of things
Nicole says
My son is only 5 so It’s hard for me to think hes already going through this transition. He does have a bad attitude. He complains about his food, picking up toys, etc. pretty much everything. We are having a very hard time with school. He is only in kindergarden. He has one short handwriting worksheet a day along with some short lessons and the occasional math or phonics sheet. The handwriting is a big problem. Hes a smart kid and I know he can do it but hes not interested. He will watch this old house all day but if you ask him to sit down and write its a big deal. The worksheet normally would only take about five minutes but this can most days stretch on to over half an hour. He gets distracted..colors on the sheet..he sometimes even tries to cross a problem out because its “too much work”. I am not really sure how to address this especially since I have not had a problem with his worksheet crazy brother. He loves worksheets. Do you have any suggestions?
Denise Rodriquez says
My oldest son is 7 years old, and the best form of ‘discipline’ for him in this stage of life is to limit his computer time. We give him 30 minutes every day to play his favorite game(s) on the computer. And any time he reacts in a disrespectful manner or is disobedient he looses 5-10 minutes of that computer time. As of now, this seems to be the most effective way to discipline him.
cara hamilton says
As a mom of 6 sons, this post came to me in perfect timing! I am in the midst of what we call around here as the “Alpha male syndrome” with a 10 and 14 year old, we are in the thick of it. I’m taking away several pointers from the post. Thank you!
Amy says
I can only imagine how crazy it is going to get here when ALL my boys are in that stage! ACK!
LynNe Gipson says
This is full of great advice. Thanks for sharing. I politely disagree with you on Mama’s having to take a backseat to dad’s as they age. If both parents are in the picture, I think there is strength and value on seeing dad and mom lead and share those teaching moments together. I think mom’s fo so much work on the front end and they are pillars of strength and dominion and a strong union supports that.
I just read so many articles about mom’s stepping away and dad’s stepping in…I think the tide needs to shift to parents leading together— equally in all areas.