Perhaps you’ve had your hopes and dreams set on having a little girl, but God hasn’t given you one. Or maybe He’s given you girls, followed by a string of boys. Or maybe it’s the other way around and you’ve only had girls and really would like the joy of raising a little rough and tumble boy to carry on the family name.
And you feel guilty.
You know you should feel blessed by the gender God has given you, but you can’t help but feel disappointed when it doesn’t turn out the way you had hoped. Sure you love those babies with all your heart, but deep in your heart you wonder if you’ll ever get your wish.
I know this because I’ve lived it.
My story probably isn’t the same as yours, but I know what it feels like to wish baby was the opposite gender. I know what the longing feels like. I know what the guilty disappointment feels like.
When Emily passed away in 2008, I desperately wanted another girl. Not that I wanted to replace her, but because I wanted to regain a little of what I had lost. Instead, I had a blond haired boy on New Year’s Day of 2009 whom we named Micah.
I remember my OB saying she felt it was probably best I did have a boy following Emily’s death, and I quickly came to the place where I agreed with her. He was a delight, and I was not sorry he was a boy for long.
When Micah turned 1, I found out I was pregnant again. This became a pivotal point for me. In my mind, I had “done my time.” I had birthed a boy child following my daughter’s death, and I “deserved” a girl. I became very wrapped up in wanting a girl. In fact, going into the sonogram, I was nearly sick to my stomach with anxiety. Because we never let the sonographer tell us what we are having, but we always look for ourselves, it leaves a shadow of a doubt we carry with us into the delivery room. However, looking at the sonogram that day, I was pretty sure I saw a boy.
And I cried.
All the way home.
And many days after that.
I compared sonogram photos of my other babies, hoping to be wrong. Hoping the little one I was carrying was not another boy.
But, he was…
Little Garin had colic and I had postpartum depression – both of these were firsts for our family. However, as Garin grew, and both the colic and PPD subsided, I began to see what an amazing gift the Lord had given me in this child. Garin was and is an absolute joy to raise. I realized I had squandered a lot of time wishing for him to be something other than what he was. I had not been enjoying my little boys because I was too busy wishing for another little girl.
When I became pregnant with our next child, I vowed NOT to waste time wishing for a girl. I threw myself into preparing for a new baby no matter the gender. We came up with a boy name we loved. I decorated in blues and yellows. And I began to ENJOY the boys God had given me.
Including the little boy named Creed born January 2013.
He was my third boy in a row, and I was thrilled!
I now have 5 boys. They are rowdy and rambunctious, but wholeheartedly devoted to their mama. In fact, I’ve come to a place where I’ve wondered if this baby is a girl, do I even remember how to be a baby girl mama again? It’s been 7 years since I had a little girl, and with Emily gone, my next girl in age is 10. My girls are at a very different stage in life than my little boys. My house is no longer filled with girly toys, but rather Legos and cars. Wrestling is a daily occurrence, and the words, “Don’t hurt your brother,” are said multiple times a day. This zoo of boys is my norm. In fact, the 4 youngest boys have taken on the collective term “little boys.” As in, “My little boys are all wearing red,” or, “Little boys, come here!”
Do I still wish for a girl? I don’t know if WISH is the right word. I would love to have the chance to raise another girl. Yet, I know in my heart it would be scary because of my circumstances – having had my last little girl pass away at the age of 7 months.
Do I feel I NEED another little girl. No, not anymore. I have learned to celebrate each precious life – boy or girl.
But, it wasn’t easy. It was a God thing.
I would like to offer you some suggestions on how to learn to celebrate each baby no matter the gender because I’m a practical person who likes to have tangible ways to help me work through difficult circumstances. These are not meant to be “band-aid” solutions or ways to just “get by.” These are ways to start training your brain to see your babies as blessings and gifts from God in exactly the gender package God intended.
*Enjoy the children you have. One thing I wasn’t truly doing was enjoying my little guys. I was looking toward the next pregnancy as the one that would bring me another chance at a girl. This is not how God intends for you to parent. Enjoy the babies you have! Find good things about having a string of boys (or girls)! Revel in the fact that these little ones were given to you and learn to cherish that!
*If you find out gender ahead of time, take that knowledge and make it special. Buy or make something special just for that baby. Celebrate – and I don’t necessarily mean a “Reveal Party” because that could backfire on you if well-meaning friends and family are disappointed and say so. Take time to enjoy your pregnancy and prepare for the new baby in a special way. Come up with a name you love. Take time to ponder who the new baby will look like. Thank the Lord for this new life and the privilege to carry this child.
*Don’t let others feel sorry for you. Even if you are feeling sorry for you, don’t allow others to do the same as that will only perpetuate your feelings of disappointment. You can be honest with those you love, but if you are going to learn to be content, you have to learn to be outwardly blessed by the gender of children the Lord has given you. You don’t have to quote Scripture to exude thankfulness. You need only to offer a smile and an appreciation for the children you have.
*Make having a lot of one gender special. This is where it gets fun! Dress them alike. Plan parties and outings and homeschool projects that cater to their gender. Be a boy or girl mom full force!
*Be joyful and count your blessings – but give yourself grace. Once upon a time, I had more girls than boys. In the blink of an eye, that changed. Of all people, I should have been thankful. I should have counted my blessings. But, in my humanness, I wanted what I did not have. Learning to see my boys as something other than stepping stones on my way to the girl I felt I deserved took time, humility, and an entire change of heart. I needed grace to get past the guilt and disappointment.
Do you have a story to share about your own disappointment? Perhaps you have an encouraging word for mamas traveling this same road. Please, feel free to share your thoughts and comments below so that others may be encouraged and blessed!
Ashley Cozzens says
i love your honesty here. My three are girl, boy, girl, 5 and under. I lost my last baby in June at 13 weeks and now am 15 weeks with another girl (based on a blood test due to some other issues) I’m both thrilled and a little disappointed for my son. I think he would love a little brother and I almost feel like I’m failing him in some way. Epic mommy guilt, I guess. As if I can control the sex of my child! Any moms of a single boy among girls out there with advice how to encourage him and deal with feeling like I’m letting him down?
Amy says
Further on in the comments, Dana speaks to your heart – she is a friend of mine with only one boy in the mix of LOTS of girls. ((HUGS))
May says
I don’t have my own children yet, but I have always been aware that at the back of my mind, I only wanted daughters. The idea of raising a boy scared me. I don’t know how to raise a boy, I was sure I’d get it wrong and not love a son. But in the last couple of years my life has been filled with some lovely boys – friends’ sons, the boys I nanny, adorable babies at work – and I’ve finally realised that I can be a mother to boys, if that is what happens. And what’s more, I’ll love having a son. It was such a big realisation, especially since I’ve always been strongly convicted that men and women are equally valuable and that gender doesn’t define your worth as a person, and yet had this bias in my own heart.
Jessica says
Beautiful. I sometimes questioned what was wrong with me for being disappointed in ANOTHER boy (we have 6) but I’ve ended up head over heels for them. Thank you for your honesty and the grace reminder.
Nicole D says
Thank you Amy for this post! I have always felt guilty for my feelings when I had my boys. Some how I just always figured I would have girls. Boy 1 2 3 came and I had finally come to terms with being a mom of boys and probably never having my little girl. When we were expecting baby #4 we were told baby was a girl. I was so excited… I had dreamt of bows, and dresses and dolls for so long. My friends kept reminding me that they can be wrong ( I remember being VERY angry) at my friends during that time. God did give me my sweet baby girl, and I am so thankful. But when I look into the eyes of my boys I know I wouldn’t change a thing and so happy they are here.
Lacey S says
After our first baby (a boy) was born premature and didn’t survive I also wanted another boy. Well now I am 6 months pregnant with our 4th boy! And not a girl in the bunch! 🙂 Everyone assumes we are “trying for a girl” but I really have adopted the “mom of boys” mindset. I’d be lying if I said I don’t hope for at least one girl somewhere along the way, but it would definitely flip my world upside down to add some pink into our lives! For now I will just pull out totes of the clothes I have been cherishing for 7 years, decide what shade of blue to decorate with this time and love having all these boys to cherish me and “take care of mama” for my lifetime!
DanaV says
Ashley- I can so understand your feelings! I am pregnant with my 8th girl and have 1 boy. Isaiah is 9yrs old and 3rd down. He does desperately want a brother. I “hold my breath” with every sonogram for his wish. But every time we are told another girl…..we always remind him of how very much he loves all of his sisters. As all the kids are getting older we are now pointing out how very many brother-in-laws he will have! God’s plans are so much bigger than ours! When I gave my womb to The Lord 6+ years ago…I had NO idea how many lessons God would teach me or how hard I would be driven to my knees but this is His (gender) too! It is also a lesson for my son. Isaiah says he wants to have “20 kids and live in a house as big as Walmart”! He has NEVER said how many boys either ;). I hope this helps!
SAndy says
Dana I am so thankful to read this. We also have 1 boy, also 3rd down. And I am pregnant, and expecting our 4th girl. My son was so longing for a brother, and I am experiencing very real disappointment, especially since this has to be our last baby, due to medical reasons. So I feel like this was his last “chance” at a brother. It is comforting to know that other moms have experienced similar hard things. We can surely trust the Lord:-)
Sarah says
Amy,
Love this post. I did go through something similar with the gender issue. I would have sworn I heard God tell me I would have 2 boys, and one girl and be done having kids. I had two boys, and my third pregnancy I was determined to have a girl, and thought I heard the Ultra Sound Tech say it was a girl. (We don’t find out so I was listening in). We had moved to a new town and I knew no one. Only my Mother and husband. I had a 3 year old and 2 year old at home, two boys, and they were a handful! I was two weeks late, and at that point sure I would be pregnant forever. In fact, when my Mom came home from work that night (at midnight) I was in labor but denying it. She had to wake my husband to take me to the hospital. I kept denying I was in labor. My husband gave a heads up to the nurse – I have my babies fast (5 hrs). I was so determined to not be in labor she was shocked I was at an 8 and kept asking if I needed to push. Due to thinking I was going to be pregnant forever I just couldn’t wrap my head into the game. 3 hours later I had a 9 pound boy and it was horrible. I felt so guilty for wanting a girl, and so in shock I had a baby that fast. Nothing had caught up with me. I was very depressed. It didn’t help every time I went into public strangers commented on him saying, “Oh, did you get your girl?” I had no friends to help encourage me.
I had a dream that I had another baby, but this time through adoption. So, that is the route we went, after all we could guarantee a girl. In fact, we told the state (we did foster care), I made sure everyone knew DO NOT CALL ME FOR A BOY. This time, God spoke to my husband, and he informed me we would be adopting a boy and to get my heart in line. I did get a call from the State for a new born baby boy. To pick up at the hospital. I said No. Andy, my husband, made me call back and say yes. The whole way to the hospital to pick him up I kept thinking, “What am I doing?? I want a girl!” When, I got to the hospital, they took me back to him, the moment I picked him up I felt that he was mine, and the desire to have a girl began to melt.
Fast forward 10 months, we found ourselves in the middle of a custody battle (the state Vs the attorneys). It was a 10 hour court battle and in that week he fully became my son, and wanting a girl vanished. We won, and we named him Zachariah Adam, the “Lord remembered me.”
We felt God call us to have more kids. Since then, Andy had a reversal (4 years after my third son), and it didn’t work. He now has a low count, so we can only have babes if God allows. We stopped doing foster care, and I became very content with God not giving us more kids, and having only boys. Last year, we received a call that Zach’s bio mom had a baby girl. Did we want her? It was so nice to honestly say Yes, because we wanted another child. Not just a girl. 🙂 She just turned 2.
Emily says
Sarah,
Your story made me cry! What a beautiful way your children have all come to you. Congratulations to you for ALL your blessings!
Victoria says
Very good post. I don’t have a large family, as I have only 1 of each gender. But, you have written your thoughts very well on this topic, and have shared some helpful ideas for others to consider.
Emily says
I have three boys (5, 3, and 1) and am pregnant with our fourth. We’ll find out sometime in January what this babe is, but after feeling that twinge of disappointment at our last ultrasound when we learned that #3 was a boy I was determined not to feel that again! I would be lying if I didn’t admit that a part of me is hoping for a little girl this time, but every time I picture this little one I just see another boy! We will be thrilled whatever God gives us 🙂
Mrs L says
I am pregnant with number 4- my third boy in a row. My eldest child, my only daughter is now 6 1/2.
We have never found out gender via ultrasound until this pregnancy, and the last two babies I was fully convinced in my mind that they were girls until they were born. (I come from a family of all girls and no boys and having sisters was and is so special to me, I just thought my daughter would have one straight away).
I think sometimes about how, if we ever are sent a girl, the gap is getting bigger and bigger and I am sad for my daughter. I have loved having babies with my closest-in-age-sister and sharing all of our experiences together.
But I am determined not to find out the gender in any future pregnancies, should God bless us again. When my last two sons arrived in my arms I has a twinge of surprise and perhaps disappointment, but mostly I was just head over heels in love the second I saw them and raised them to my breast. My daughter (4 at the time) said of her current youngest brother when she met him, ‘Oh….I wanted a sister…..CAN I HOLD HIM????’ and then just loved him straight away.
But finding out we were having another boy was hard.
It is hard to love an ‘idea’ rather than a person you can hold, and I was quite disappointed with the news and had to work through it. Our daughter was VERY upset and took months to work through it. Now we are all excited, but I feel annoyed that I found out and put us through that experience. Not again!
Added to that was the guilt that I even cared after losing two in a row since our last boy. How could I be so ungrateful as to be disappointed after our losses?
Ooh lastly- I’ve really struggled with random people (chatty shop-keepers etc) offering my daughter sympathy when they find out she is expecting another brother. It really hasn’t helped, and I still can’t come up with a polite way of responding. Also it’s hard to explain to my six ear old why people keep saying ‘Oh you poor thing- three brothers!’
Kendall says
My husband wanted a boy but I wanted a girl for our first child. I was 100% certain I was having a girl too. I had even bought a few pink outfits. At the beginning of my eighth month, an ultrasound revealed ‘it’ appeared to be a healthy, baby boy. I was shocked as I had been so SURE ‘it’ was a girl. I went back to work that afternoon and moped around. Got in my car for the drive home and the tears flowed. On my drive I came to a 4-way stop. Standing on the corner waiting to cross was a teenage boy who had Downs Syndrome. At that moment I had an epiphany. Suddenly I had never seen anything so clearly. I wanted to smack myself. WHY was I not thanking God that my little boy appeared to be healthy instead of being disappointed he wasn’t a girl. Instantly my tears dried and the sun suddenly shone brightly. I’ve often thought of that teenage boy and wondered how his life turned out as that moment happened 33 years ago. We were blessed with a second child who happened to be a girl. And, the only ‘hoping’ I did was for another healthy child.
Kristin Dahman says
Almost two years ago we lost our little boy.
I remember the day that I found out that he was a boy. I cried all the way home to tell my husband and I felt guilty for doing so. He was stillborn about a month later. I was devistated and felt so guilty that I had wished that he was something other than what he was, what God had made him to be. We have twin girls and then two boys and I thought that it would be such a joy to experience having one little girl.
Then he died.
People said that maybe I would get my little girl that I had wanted now and it made me so mad!
I wanted him!
Almost seven months ago our “rainbow” baby was born. I nervously awaited finding out the gender, knowing that desire was still there, and thinking that God would surely bless me with a little girl after losing our sweet boy.
I had always predicted/known deep down what we were having with each baby because God had placed them on my heart before they were conceived…. except for him. Our Isaac. So, I simply trusted God’s plans for our family. I knew that our family would be changed in different ways whatever gender the baby was, just as how Isaac had forever changed or family. So I trusted and waited.
Today we have a very healthy and spoiled baby girl. We see her though different eyes because of Isaac and they will forever be connected. I am the blessed mama of seven. Five on earth and two in heaven and I know that each and every one of their lives genders, and even deaths have shaped our family in ways only God could.
J. Chandler says
Amy, thank you so much for sharing your story. I just had my third boy this summer. So now my daughter has three younger brothers. I had to deal with disappointment and some days still feel the sadness. Could you please pray for me because I want to be able to count my blessings?
Amy says
Absolutely!
J. Chandler says
Thank you!
Melody says
I can so relate. We were pregnant with baby #2. It was Valentine’s day, 2003. I had one boy and thought I deserved a girl. We went to our appt. and found out we were having a boy. I cried…all the way home…for a week. One week later, to the day – our little boy was born at 20 weeks. He went to be with Jesus. Then I felt guilty for being mad about having another boy. Amazingly, God has blessed us with 5 more children in spite of my poor attitude that year. And guess what, we have 5 more boys. Early on, every pregnancy, I hoped this one would be the girl. But it wasn’t. And I have now come to realize that God’s plan is better than ours. I don’t know why we don’t have girls. But I know the boys God has given are the most precious and special ones in the whole world. Being thankful and content is an amazing place to be – you can see things you never saw before! And my baby, only 9 months old, is a treasure and growing up too fast! Hold on to the blessings God has given you! When I finally submitted my plans to God, I became content with His plan for me.
Rachel says
I wish I was at the place you are at. Pray for me. We just found out we are having our fifth boy. We only wanted 4 and I’m exhausted and already so busy with the 4 I have. I give them my all but they are alot of work! I always dreamed of mothering a daughter. I was so hopeful this surprise pregnancy would be our little girl. But it wasn’t. I am trying to come to terms with it but I’m not yet at a place of peace and I feel like such a horrible person.
Ashley M. says
Thank you for posting this, Amy. I am currently 6 months along with Baby Boy #4. He is my fifth child, with my only daughter being smack dab in the middle. She’ll have two older brothers and two younger brothers. I was secretly hoping for a sister for her, though I never allowed myself to admit that out loud to anyone other than my husband. When we found out this baby was another boy, I was a little disappointed, and even shed a tear as I gave away some size 4 girl clothes that my daughter has now grown out of to my SIL who is having her 3rd girl around the same time that my son will be born. I’ll keep baby girl clothes *just in case* up to size 24 months, but just can’t keep everything when it wouldn’t be used any time in the practical future due to space restrictions in our home.
Anyway, the hardest part is dealing with other people’s outward disappointment. They were all hoping for a girl so that my daughter would have a sister. I’m doing my best to be prayerful and thankful for this new little blessing, and to curb my own less-than-grateful thoughts when they creep in. Over the last 4 weeks, I can honestly say that I am at peace with God’s plan for the make-up of our family, and feeling very much excited to meet and cuddle this new little guy. It really saddens me when people express their disappointment, though!
Danielle says
I know exactly how this feels. My first child was a boy which is exactly what I wanted. The next pregnancy came after much struggle, so for some reason I thought I had earned my girl. It turned out to be a boy. A little boy who was stillborn. The moment I held his tiny body and saw he was a boy all I could think was that is exactly what I wanted. Fast forward seven years, two daughters, and twelve babies in heaven, my heart longs for another boy; however, now a pregnancy requires IVF treatments and thousands of dollars. Needless to say, God has really tested me on being content with the children he’s given me. God is using all of the loss to teach me to let go and just simply rejoicing over his mercy for letting me be a mother regardless of the gender.
Alexa says
Wow, thank you for this word in good timing. We’ve just found out we’re expecting our 5th boy. I do have a girl, #2 in line. The feelings you’ve described are all so true… The anxiety over finding out, the guilt, and learning to embrace what God has given. Thank you so much for writing this. I needed to be reminded today.
Christina Arrowood says
Thank you so much for this article!!! You have no idea how God has used it in my life today! We just found out yesterday that we are going to have our 4th girl in April, and for someone that wanted all boys, it was a little bit of a hard thing to hear. I know that God knows better than me what our family needs, but I was having a hard time getting my heart to agree! Thank you so much for giving me a new perspective for our wonderful little family! I will be using those tangible ways you listed to help me to remember to be thankful for my beautiful little girls!!! 🙂
Erin Lynn says
I have never commented, but just wanted to tell you how much I love your blog! Such an encouragement. This topic really resonated with me as I have just been experiencing some gender disappointment after finding out I am expecting my fifth daughter and sixth child. We have a 13 yo girl, 11 yo girl, 9 yo girl, 4 yo boy, and 16 month old girl. I was so sure this baby was a boy. Now I feel guilty for feeling so disappointed and upset. I should just be thankful for this little life. I really don’t know how to process all this, but appreciate your helpful tips. I feel so much pressure from family, our church (my husband is the pastor), and even society in general. Everyone tells me how sorry they are for my son to have so many sisters. I think people look at men like they aren’t “man enough” to have sons when they have so many daughters. We are also told to “just wait” until they are all teenagers, and that “boys are easier to raise.” I wish I just didn’t care what people thought. This is such a complicated issue. Thank you for writing about it.
Kelsey says
I’m 37 weeks along with baby boy #3 and couldn’t agree more. I’ve embraced my role as the ‘boy mom’ even though I hope God ALSO blesses me with a girl eventually. My problem is the relatives… This time around especially, I know we disappointed a lot of people when we announced ANOTHER boy on the way. We have the first grandkids for my side of the family and they haven’t had a baby girl in the family since I was born, so I understand they’re impatient. Buuuut, whatcha going to do, right?
Looking forward to the blog baby announcement of your littlest one, boy or girl! Both are blessings and God knows what we need best.
–Kelsey
Lella says
Wonderful post!
We have four girls (9, 6, 5 and 2.5) and we lost another girl during pregnancy. I remember feeling down for a few days after I found out we were having girl number #3. Mostly, it was because the ultrasound tech had 4 girls and she seemed so disappointed for us, it was weird. I got over that and wanted a girl for our fourth, because we had everything and I loved the girl name we had chosen.
Now, I am expecting our first boy in April and my husband is thrilled. He cried when I told him. He had always been so accepting of having girls and didn’t want any more children, but God knew his heart better. I am secretly nervous, though, because I don’t know what I will do with a boy or what it will be like, although I am sure I will fall in love and God knows what he is doing. 🙂
Ashley says
Unfortunately I learned the hard way about gender disappointment. Growing up I was raised an only child by my grandmother, and I always wanted a sister & dreamed of having two girls in a row that would be close friends. After my first daughter was a few months old I got pregnant again, sure that I would have another little girl. When I found out it was a boy, I got upset & may have even cried, because my dream of having two little girls about a year apart ended. I didn’t tell anyone besides my husband the gender of our son, because I knew everyone else was hoping the baby was a boy. I did still love our son & over the weeks grew more excited about about having a boy, but definitely wasn’t as excited as I was with my first pregnancy. Then one day, about a month from my due date I woke up & couldn’t feel my son move. Hours later still nothing & I went to the hospital & found out he had died. I delivered my son stillborn that evening. I feel as though God was punishing me for not being grateful for the wonderful gift that he was, no matter the gender. I was blessed enough to get pregnant about 3 months after my first son’s stillbirth with my 2nd son & so glad to be blessed by the Lord with another beautiful baby to raise.
Laura says
The fact is, I had one little girl in the middle of my four boys, so when we decided we were ready for another baby, I planned the conception with timing more conducive for a girl. I admit it! LOL But my little girl wants a sister, and I want to do frills and lace again… so there you have it. I HAVE figured one thing out, though–I’d rather not find out the gender beforehand. With my fifth child, I finally persuaded my husband that it was more fun to NOT find out what we were having, so we skipped the ultrasound altogether. And when he was born, I didn’t even care. He was my baby, and I’d given birth to him, and he was the most precious thing on earth. Boy or girl no longer mattered. It was so much better for me, than with other pregnancies where I was “hoping” for a girl, only to be shot down by the ultrasound results. My disappointment always ended once I held my babies, but still! I had several months that I had to deal with it!
Jennifer D says
I am currently 6 mths along with our 9th child and, since we have a hard time deciding on names, we decided to find out this baby’s gender. My husband has been saying all along that this child was a girl and we have had a girls’ name picked out for 10 years, but I thought it would be a good idea to find out “just in case”. (My husband has been correct with his gender guesses 7 out of 8 children and we have had a girl in these past 10 years, but the name we had chosen earlier didn’t seem to fit, so we used another one.) It’s a good thing we did, for it’s another boy! And yes, we are certain, for he wasn’t shy! *wink*
He will be our 6th boy and I must admit that I did have some feelings of sorrow about him not being a girl. I’m not sure if it’s because all this time my husband has been so sure that this child is a girl and had me (mostly) convinced me of it or if because I really want another little girl (our children are girl, girl, boy, boy, boy, girl, boy, boy, and now another boy).
But that bit of sorrow was short lived (thankfully!!) and we are all so excited to meet this little fella! I suppose it helped that his 5 older brothers and oldest sister are very happy that he’s a boy (the other 2 girls were disappointed). This has been my first child that I had any negative feelings about their gender and it was something I wasn’t prepared for. It’s certainly not something I’m happy about (my reaction, not him being a boy!), yet I’m glad we found out when we did. Not only because we’ll be prepared with a boys name when he arrives, but also I have had the time to get past my negative feelings and I can be (and already am!!) truly excited to meet my 6th little man.
Kendra says
Thank you for this article! I am pregnant with our 6th baby and the ultrasound is on Tuesday. I have been going back and forth about whether or not to find out. We have 4 girls and one boy, so during my last pregnancy I found out because I was sure baby was a boy. When they told me “girl,” I was very disappointed and I kept the news to myself. I didn’t really believe she was a girl until she was born; then she had reflux and cried for months! I couldn’t help but feel it was because she felt rejected by me. Reading this article and responses by other readers has made me decide not to find out, as my husband doesn’t care. I bought into the idea last time that it was better to find out so that I could “deal” with my disappointment before meeting baby, but I have to say, I think it would have been much better to just have met her and loved on her! I am convinced this little one is another girl, and after reading what so many if you have been through with losing babies, I am determined to be thankful and await those most exciting words, “it’s a girl, or it’s a boy!!”
Thanks again!
abigail morris says
I totally get this. My oldest is 10 a girl. After her I wanted a boy and had a boy, then i wanted a boy and got a boy again. It was awesome. Then I wanted a girl, and my husbands family insisted it wasn’t possible for me to have a girl. they didn’t make girls I was told. I hoped and I prayed. God said no. I got my 3rd beautiful boy. Then it was my 5th baby, and my sister inlaw was pregnant too. She and I both wanted a girl, everyone said it woudlnt happen. Well for her it did, I got an amazing little guy. But I felt jealous when she said she was having a girl. When my friends had girls. I got pregnant again last Jan. But at 13 1/2 weeks I lost that baby. I am pregnant again now and This time people tell me it will be a girl. But I refuse to hope either way. I just want this baby to be heathy and to honor God with my joy of what he gives me. My boys are all amazing and they remind me of my husband. SO I mean, what could be greater!
Amy says
We have just recently shared with our families that we are expecting #2.
We have one daughter who is 3 and due to complications from her delivery we honestly did not imagine having any more. We are so thankful that the Lord has seen fit to bless us again.
We are 12 weeks along and until last week we only had a boy name. Because of that I had looked at boys clothes and dreamed up a boy nursery. Then the girl name came to us and now #2 is a girl in my mind. Either way we know we will be so excited that this unexpected blessing has come our way!
I was surprised though by our families’ reactions. “I expect you’ll want a boy this time.” “Oh good, she needs a brother.” “Now maybe Mark will have a son to take to scouting.” or “She needs a little sister.” “Two girls would be perfect.”
Interesting. Not one of them said, “We hope for healthy.” That is my prayer, as a Mama who has endured a Traumatic Birth experience and a daughter with serious health complications in infancy, I only pray for time and for health. May the Good Lord see fit to give me what He will. Amen.
Amy Sparks says
We just found out we are expecting #10. We have 5 girls, 4 boys. I don’t really have a preference, and can see good points to having either. I have felt the way you describe myself, with other pregnancies. Thanks, for once again, being so honest. Praying for your upcoming birth, and Looking forward to reading what the Lord gave you this time!
Jen says
I have six boys and we have lost five (two of which we know were boys). After our third I knew we would continue to have boys. And I was okay with it. Loved it really. But our last one was after a long wait (five years) and a previous loss, and the desire for a girl became very strong. Logically I knew we would have another boy but the thought of finally getting to have bows and pretty dresses was always there.
Now he is twenty months and a very difficult boy some days. I am ashamed to admit that at forty I would rather not have anymore than to either lose another or have another boy 🙁 I definitely need an attitude adjustment. (I don’t think that I will fall again anyway though)
Rachel says
This made me think of something my mom (born in the early 1940s) has said so many times. She remembers a time when couples got married and simply hoped that they were able to become pregnant, stay pregnant, and then deliver living babies who remained healthy and strong past their infancy and early childhood. I am the first one to admit that way, way, way too often I am not happy with God’s plan, and reminding myself of my mom’s words reminds me to be thankful for the simple things in life.
There are so many women in the world today who would simply love to be pregnant, to remain pregnant, and to give birth to a child. I am not saying this to make the women who have written here feel even more guilty than they already do. I just know way too many of these godly women who have gone to the ends of the earth to become mothers, and their stories convict me to be thankful even for 2 miscarriages and secondary infertility. I took my earlier fertility for granted and came to regret it deeply.
Beth says
Thanks for sharing this! I am 31 weeks with our third boy. I realllllly wanted a girl and last fall we planned conception around the time that would favor a girl. I got pregnant but miscarried. I felt like God was punishing me for being so greedy. I miscarried at home a few days before Christmas and realized the gender didn’t matter I just wanted another healthy baby. It took us until June to conceive and here we are. At first I thought it was a girl bc my symptoms were sooooo different then my boys but he’s defiantely a boy. I’m not sad he’s a boy, what does make me sad is that I feel like I don’t have that many more chances to have a baby girl. A healthy baby is what I care about but deep in my heart I long for a baby girl someday … It’s hard to shake
Hope Smith says
I pray for you and your family. Your information on your blog is encouraging. I am the mother of 6 daughters and my first son is the twin of my sixth daughter. Having a son to mother and raise has been more challenging and am enjoying every moment. I am very grateful that the Lord has given me a son. I had always prayed and sometimes wished that with each pregnancy I would have a son. (I never had any ultrasounds.) The day of the birth, is when we knew what the gender of our children. With my sixth pregnancy I was under the care of a doctor and midwives, we were very surprised when I gave birth to twins born at home. The surprise of two babies, when we only planned for one. I was unprepared. I needed everything, times two. Many friends and church members: donated clothes, food, a car-seat, they came to help with shopping and laundry too.
Now a year has gone by. My twins will be celebrating their first birthday. It is very sad and happy to see them grow from tiny helpless babies to toddlers learning to walk and talk.
I get asked about having more children, I have no answer to give. I would love another child, boy or girl. I pray that the Lord will be with me.
YO says
HI,
Just found this post. Thank you for sharing your story and make me feel that I’m not alone. I have 2 sisters and 1 brother. Growing up with sisters was so much fun. My brother till this time that we are all grown ups is giving my parent’s trouble. Because of him and the relationship with my sisters, I always wanted girls. I even saved all my barbies and made a collection for my future daughters. I was disappointed with my first son, but got over it fast because I trusted God to give me my girl after, disappointed again with my second son, cried a lot. My husband and me wanted to have 2 children, convinced him to go for the third one and pray and was so convinced that I will be having a girl this time, and nope third boy on the way. I can’t stop crying. It’s being 2 months of crying, no motivation, shame to tell others, depression. Please pray for me. I need it so much.
Amy says
Oh, sweetie! I understand. ((HUGS)) It’s ok to grieve. Boys are a wonderful blessing and you will begin to see that, but it’s going to take time for your heart to heal from what you longed for.
SM says
Thank you so much for being honest about your loss, disappointment with gender and overcoming! I have always felt God created me to be a girl mom but had my first boy and now after so much praying for a girl, I am having boy #2. We will not be having another child as I am almost 40 and it took us a while to conceive. I know it’s normal to some extent to feel this way, but I feel as if I am bordering on depression and can’t seem to get excited or feel connected during this pregnancy. I am struggling spiritually and am questioning why God wouldn’t bless me with a daughter when he knows it’s been the “desire of my heart” for so long. Please help with tips to overcome these feelings.
Thank you!
Amy says
My sister had one child and before she got pregnant, she desperately hoped it was a girl…but he wasn’t. I have watched this young man grow up into an amazing human being with such a heart for others and such creativity and joy! He’s a real blessing, and I’m sure you will find the same in your two little boys! It may be that your “girls” join your family by way of marriage to your boys. 🙂
Amanda says
I am 40 and when I was 17 I heard an audible word during prayer. “You will have a son at a young age and he will be a prophet“. I had a little girl in 2014. I then had two miscarriages and became expectant a month after my second miscarriage. It was another girl. My third child was a surprise baby, and again, a girl. My body has changed due to pregnancy and labor and though I desperately want to see the word I received from the Lord come to pass, I feel discouraged at the thought of carrying and delivering another baby.
Emily House says
Amy,
I know this is an old post, but I have to comment to say how very much this blessed me. I have listened to your podcast, but didn’t even know you had a blog/website. I simply searched for articles on gender disappointment from a Christian perspective, and yours was the most helpful and encouraging article I read. I have two boys and one girl and am pregnant with my 4th child. I desperately want to give my Aria a sister (and she longs for one) and I really want the chance to raise a daughter again – but we just found out this little one is another boy. I feel awful for even feeling disappointed, as of course I love my darling boys with all my heart, so I’ve been doing a lot of processing with the Lord and with my husband the last couple days. Your story encouraged me so much. And I especially appreciated the practical steps you listed at the end. I don’t want to breeze past this pregnancy and baby stage emotionally, just for the chance to “try again” at having a girl. The Lord may or may not bless us with another little girl, and if so, He has His very good reasons. And I am beginning to feel more at peace with that.
I also wanted to say how very sorry I am for your loss of sweet little Emily all those years ago (my name is Emily too). I had 3 miscarriages before my firstborn, and the pain in my heart was excruciating. I cannot even fathom losing a little one I had snuggled and nourished and met face-to-face.
I hope that the Lord has healed your heart as deeply and faithfully as He has healed mine.
Thank you for what you do. I so appreciate the encouragement and practical steps you offer on your podcasts and blog – you are a blessing!!
Love in Christ,
Emily House
Amy says
First of all, CONGRATULATIONS!!! This little boy will certainly be a blessing to you (and quite likely to his older sister as well!). Thank you for your kind words. I’m so glad you found me here!
SkyeR says
I just found this blog post and so grateful I did. We just got home from our 20wk ultrasound appointment and I was so certain, that after having 2 girls first with one miscarriage in between, that we were going to be having a boy. I had dreamt about it and talked to baby in my belly as if it was a boy, and we decided to get the gender in an envelope and open it when we got home, the first time we have found out gender beforehand. My husband and I opened the envelope to read “it’s a girl!”. At first I thought to myself, I knew it, I wanted a boy too badly and this is Gods way of showing me I don’t get to call the shots. After crying a majority of the way home, feeling awful that I have yet to give my husband a son to carry on our last name, and had the miscarriage not happened, maybe it would have been a boy; kept feeding myself all of the guilt trips. I finally decided to look up and see if anyone else had these feelings and how to think in a different way. Your comments on how to change my mindset are slowly sinking in and I’m hopeful to not think in such a selfish way, and be SO grateful instead that I’m growing a healthy baby girl! I’ll be coming back to re-read through your advice and I’m very thankful you wrote a post on this topic. I didn’t anticipate it hitting me as hard as it did, but I know my girls will be overjoyed to have another sister, my husband is BEYOND supportive in the fact that we are blessed to have another baby at all, and that God will help me to shift my mindset to be proud of that “girl mom” title. Thank you again for creating this post and sharing your experience!
Amy says
Awww! I’m so glad you are here, and congratulations!!!