Over a cup of coffee, I listened to a mother of 4 systematically tell me how each of her children were slow learners. One child was behind 2 grade levels in math. Another one wasn’t reading up to grade level. The third child wasn’t writing essays up to par, and the fourth child was going to be taking classes at the local homeschool co-op to “catch up.”
Worst of all, she told me how each of the children were very unsure of themselves and embarrassed by the fact that they were behind and slow to learn.
And I wondered where they got that notion.
All good parents worry about their children’s academics and education. As homeschooling parents, we worry even more because our children’s success or failure is OUR success or failure. We see their learning pace as a direct reflection of our ability to teach. The faster their pace, the better teacher we must be.
Take the “Brainy Bunch” for example – Kip & Mona Lisa Harding’s family…
We look at them and consider ourselves or our children to be “slackers” as Matt Lauer says in the Today Show interview. (His exact quote was, “I’m going to ground my children for being slackers.”) The fast academic pace of the Harding children becomes our goal, our dream, our definition of “normal.”
Even if we don’t take it that far, we do tend to spend an exorbitant amount of time considering Scope and Sequence charts for each grade level and weighing our children against those charts. We assume all public school children master those charts, and because government schools are our definition of the norm, anything outside each grade level is either behind or ahead. We pat ourselves on the back if they are ahead. We hang our heads in shame if they are behind.
And if they are “behind”…
We tend to be rather vocal about it.
Years ago, I vowed to never define my children by their learning pace because our children become what we think they are.
A child who is told he is “slow” won’t easily recover from those words. He will become embarrassed amongst his peers, assuming everyone in the room knows he is slow. He will avoid even attempting anything that might show he is slow. He will avoid anything that sounds difficult because there’s not a chance someone slow like him will be able to master something deemed “difficult.” The words spoken into his life will become his reality, and he will hold himself back.
As homeschooling parents, we must stop relying on Scope and Sequence charts to tell us who our children are. We have to avoid dwelling on what grade level is listed on the outside of the curriculum, and instead focus on whether or not our child is moving forward. We have to look for our children’s strengths and stop labeling them according to their weaknesses.
Homeschooling isn’t a race. He who gets to the finish line first isn’t the winner. He who checks off all the boxes and fills in all the blanks isn’t the winner. The winner is the child who keeps going in the face of adversity. The winner is the child who loves to learn, and craves information. The winner is the child who hasn’t been beaten down by the senseless notion that the speed with which you move through your studies is directly related to your intelligence or ability to function in the real world.
Give your child a sense of worth that far surpasses how fast or slow they work through homeschool studies. They are made in God’s image. He took 6 days to create the universe when He could have done it in a nanosecond. Speed is rarely a display of ability.
Jillian says
I LOVE this! The “Brainy Bunch” don’t do me in; they’re too over the top. lol But I can definitely lean this way with other “triggers.” There’s so much pressure because at least to a certain extend, their failure *is* our failure. Your analogy to God creating the world in 6 days when he could have done instantly, was thought provoking. Great post! 🙂
Kela Nellums says
I see the daily progress in my children. I see the beam on my youngest son’s face when he flawlessly reads a short story in his reader. I know the deep longing in his heart to do so well!
I have also seen the shame that he has felt when a relative belittles him and doesn’t allow him to participate with his peers because he (in their words) isn’t smart enough.
I experience his hurt when he wants to prove to a relative that he’s gotten better and that he’s not stupid.
If nothing else, I’m my son’s hugest (not a word, I know) cheerleader! I’m there giving him high fives and beaming smiles when he accomplishes something new; when he has a breakthrough!
I record his reading voice and send it to family that I know will only praise him and not say, “that’s good, but…”.
Thank you so much for these encouraging words!!
Amy says
You are right – there are plenty of negative words without those words coming from us. Your son will thrive under YOUR approval and encouragement!
CabotMama says
Thank you for such wonderful words of exhortation. My oldest naturally excels at everything academic; however, he struggles with physical exercise endeavors. My second child struggles with reading, writing, and math; yet she is awesome at dance and other such athletic pursuits. I worry about her reading … is it a sign of dyslexia? Is it my fault because I don’t consistently spend 30 minutes a day in practice with her? Although those worries may be part of my job to sort through, my job also requires I be careful in how those concerns are communicated to her. She does not need to be burdened with them, especially when they have yet to be confirmed. Her friends comment enough as it is on their own superiority. From me, she only needs to hear encouragement as she continues to persevere and make progress. Thank you, thank you!!
Amy says
Yes! Keep encouraging while you research and do what you can.
Phyllis at All Things Beautiful says
I tried to not focus on being behind or even mention it, but as soon as they interact with their peers, they expect them to know how to do the same things they do, like read at their level and they found out then that they were behind. It was such a shock to them, that I felt bad that I hadn’t prepared them. Also, they went to a homeschool co-op class and I hadn’t mentioned the fact that my then fourth-grader didn’t read and she just called on him in class to read a section and that embarrassed him to say that he couldn’t read it. I guess there is a balance. Right now they know they are behind the average, but that it doesn’t really matter as long as they are working on it.
Amy says
They may get negative feedback from peers, but your job is to keep working and encouraging. Slow and steady. 🙂
Jennifer says
Hi Amy,
What a fabulous post! I feel so bad for children when I hear their parents talking in front of them about their shortcomings. We may need advice sometimes and so we go to a friend to ask it, but labeling or criticizing children is a bad idea. If we look at God’s word, there is a constant theme of hope and of seeing the seeds of greatness and pulling them out. Imagine if God had not believed in and encouraged men such as Noah, Moses, and Gideon? God sees what we can do and speaks that into existence. This is how I want to deal with my own children.
Christina says
Thank you so much for this post! I went to public school and have ADHD. I was ALWAYS the slowest learner in the classroom. If my mom had focused on this then I would have never found out that I was so smart. Instead she always said positive things to me and helped me practice the information until I got it. I may be the slowest learner, but once I got it, I usually understood and retained it better then anyone else in the classroom. Speed at learning absolutely doesn’t define intellect, much less who you are as a person!
I am now 29 and a mom of three. Even now there are lots of times that I feel less then everyone else because I have to ask the same questions over and over. And staying focused to learn is such a struggle. But I just keep reminding myself not to give up because once I get it, I’ll probably need to help others with it! It’s a good feeling to help others with the thing I worked so hard to learn myself. It’s a feeling of achievement for sure! My goal with my three children is to always be their cheerleader! They will get enough negative pressure from the world. They should only feel positive things from our home!
Amy says
Amen, Christina! And kudos to your mom!
Amy says
But…what do we do if we have become frustrated and have said things we should not have? How can it be overcome? I am currently feeling hopeless because I have made so many mistakes in this area over the many years of homeschooling. It breaks my heart. I know you will say, pray – but what do we say to the child. Repent, yes, but it doesn’t take the words away.
Amy says
Honesty. You have to be honest with your children. Everyone, parents and children included, make mistakes, say things they shouldn’t say, wish they could take it all back. Own up to it. Take responsibility. Explain all this to your children. Then, move forward. A little honesty goes a long way with everyone. ((HUGS))
Erin Bilik says
I am so convicted right now and feeling guility, because I have been sucked into this. My 5 1/2 year old doesn’t know his abc’s and even the Lord has reassured me several time that he is okay, I allow worldly advice to cloud the Lord’s truth. I listen to others and have convinced myself he is falling behind. Thank you for the encouragement not only to positively encourage my kids but also work on some pride issues associated with how others perceive me, my kids’ ability in school and relying solely on the Lord.
Rhoda says
Erin, As a preschool and kindergarten teacher, let me tell you that there is nothing wrong with your child not knowing his ABC’s yet. Not every child is ready for learning their numbers, ABC’s and all the other things deemed necessary for learning at certain ages at that age. Focus on his interests right now–whatever they may be. If you really feel you must be “learning” something, find books that relate to that interest and YOU read them to him. Find toys that relate to that interest and watch him build, create, and imagine. When he is ready, he will learn. Yes, I do understand how frustrating it can be when a child doesn’t fit the norms. As a teacher I have taught many, Many children to read. Now that I am a SAHM teaching my own children the process has been at times quite frustrating as my children, adopted from overseas at 3.5 years of age, do not fit the norms. We had the first several years of just catching up from the years of malnutrition and neglect. Add learning a new language. But at 8 and 9, surely they were ready! Nope! Just this past year, we learned why my now 11 DD struggles–to even remember her ABC’s and numbers. She was diagnosed with asthma, her lung capacity at 55%. She was “normal” in every way except for learning. I now know that her brain was doing all it could just to function and survive. I understand that she is an exception in this case, but I want to say that if my husband and I had chosen to push her, belittle her, label her, and whatever else you want to add, she would not be the confident, bubbly, happy child that she is today even though she is just now learning to read. Thankfully we are in a church were her adult leaders and her friends know she can’t read and yet still accept her. Follow your instinct as mom. God gave you the gift of your child and that includes his learning ability. It is the Lord who told Moses that HE made the seeing eye, the deaf ear, and so on. HE made your child special, unique and capable of so much. So what that he doesn’t know his ABC’s yet. He will. You have taught him so much in his short 5.5 years. One way that I remember talking to parents when I did teach was to remind them in days how old their child is. 5.5 years is only about 2000 days old. That isn’t that old in the grand scheme of things. At 10000 days old you will be amazed at what he is doing and how well he does it–and how he is teaching others at that point! Don’t beat yourself up over what he does or doesn’t do right now. Who he is right now is not who he will stay as. Who you are right now is not who you will stay as. He will grow and learn. So will you. Blessings on both of you learning and growing into the special, unique people God created you to be.
Amy says
Thank you, Rhoda! That was beautifully said!
Jennie says
Thank you for the reminder that I really needed to hear today. I homeschool my 4 children ,ages 5-12. There are days that feel very overwhelming. Our children are being molded and “become what we think they are”. I have seen my own failures coming back to me, in the reflection of my children. How much we can learn from them! Each one is uniquely different, as the sand of the sea. Proverbs 18:21 “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.”
Coby says
This is so timely and encouraging- I recently made somewhat of a u-turn with my kids in math, taking time to do some hard-core review of some facts that they don’t quite get before moving on. Even though I know that by doing this I am saving time and potential struggles for them in the long run, I keep feeling like I am behind. Thank you for the reminder that homeschooling isn’t a race!
Ellie says
Amy, thank you for this post! It is so encouraging to be reminded that our kids are individuals specifically gifted by God for HIS purposes! Isn’t the individualized learning that you can achieve through homeschooling one of the main blessings of homeschooling? I believe it is! This post reminds me to be very conscientious of how I talk of our homeschooling experience. Very convicting, but encouraging as well.
Char Grisham says
I understand and get what you are saying and I admit I have been guilty of doing some of what you say. BUT the world already tells them they are “slow” when they are in group settings and then called out to read or talk about a certain subject… and can’t. How do you then get them thru that? There comes a point when they begin to figure out that they may be a little behind and stigmatize themselves. I know I should not buy into the worlds ways of thinking or give it any merit. They were created by God and were created perfect in His eyes but aside from locking yourself into your own home and becoming a recluse … how should you deal with it?
I just read Phyllis’ ATB post and realized that she has said the same thing as I.
Amy says
You are right – they ARE going to be “called out” here and there, but they don’t need to hear it from us too. Slow and steady wins the race, and we have to be their cheerleaders (as one reader said). They need us to be their biggest fan and keep them motivated instead of being one more person to tear them down. I’m not a big fan of situations where children are called on to read in public at random – it doesn’t seem to add to the learning process in any way. One-on-one tutoring nearly always bears more fruit than group situations. The bottom line is to patiently keep going without being more of a problem than a solution in their educational process.
Christine says
This is a great post for reminding parents not to compare their child’s progress to that of others, even in the same family, and to learn to view each child as an individual with unique, God-given gifting, including a unique learning path.
But families dealing with learning disabilities may feel needlessly condemned by this post for at some point informing their child(ren) that they have a learning disability/difference. Children with dyslexia, dyscalculia (math disabled in some way), and dysgraphia (difficulty with spelling, handwriting, organizing thoughts on paper), or any other learning difference such as ADHD/ADD, need to understand that they aren’t struggling because they are dumb, but because they need a method of teaching that is systematic and explicit with a lot of repetition. Their teachers will always need to compensate for their learning difference, and they themselves, as lifelong learners, will need to know how to compensate, whether it be with technological accommodations, a waiver in college for foreign language or specific math classes, etc. Even in interpersonal relationships, some learning differences need to be compensated for, even if just an added measure of grace for oneself, and from loved ones.
In the homeschool or public school, the wrong materials can lead to needless frustration and behavior problems, and lost remediation time. And even with the right method, these kids still have to fight hard for their progress. It is very common for children with ADHD/ADD to have learning disabilities such as one or more of the three mentioned above, and very common for their difference to go undiagnosed, leading to more problems, especially behaviorally.
Identifying the area of difficulty, and then explaining that a learning disability does not speak to intelligence (does not relate to IQ) is important, and the earlier you can help them understand their difference and equip them to compensate and fight to overcome, the more empowered your child with feel. It’s when there’s no understanding and no plan that children can suffer from low motivation or low self-esteem. There may be some grieving of the situation at first, and maybe a period of the victim mentality. We need to disciple them through that just as we would a child who is mourning a cancer diagnosis or other more outwardly or serious “thorn in the flesh”. We aren’t called to hide/deny our thorns in the flesh, but neither are we called to do nothing to compensate for them/fight them. They bring glory to God and that’s precisely why God doesn’t always heal them, and why he allows them at all in the life of the Christian. He didn’t cause them, but he allows them as part of our story, not so they define us, but so that the way we manage them points to Him.
My 41-year-old brother has struggled in his life for years and only just recently learned about his ADHD (because of his son’s diagnosis), even though my mother learned about it when he was in elementary school. She choose to avoid the label and do nothing at all to avoid “stigmatizing him”–not even researching, taking him to any type of therapy, teaching him how to compensate…nothing. He is scratching his head now at 41 thinking I wish I had known about these things. ADHD can effect relationships, work/career, or sometimes, both. It requires more than the usual amount of discipling, as do many neurological differences.
So yes, beware of stigmatizing, but do help your child become an expert on his or her own brain functioning, and how God can use it all for His glory. This aspect of this topic really requires a whole other post, I feel.