“Just do what I tell you to do!”
I could hear the “discussion” escalating from my bedroom upstairs. I knew immediately who was involved, and I knew exactly how this set of siblings had ended up in this heated conversation…again.
The older sibling was trying to help the younger one with a homeschool project, but had ended up angry over a perceived disrespect. The younger sibling felt trampled on and didn’t want to listen anymore and was making it very obvious. And now the older sibling was yelling at the top of her lungs trying to command respect.
This set of siblings is notorious for being at each other in this way. But, I keep putting them back together because they both need the practice.
It is sort of cliche’ – the notion that older siblings (particularly sisters) are bossy. Some of it is simply perception. The younger sibling thinks they know just as much and try to assert themselves which ends up grating on the older sibling’s nerves. And then some of it is simply personality. Some older siblings are naturally more commanding and domineering, and tend to come off bossy and arrogant even when they don’t mean to.
As homeschool moms, we often want and need older siblings to step up and help out, but let’s be honest…nearly everyone put in a position of power tends to act bossy from time to time. We should “expect” that an older sibling put in charge will be tempted to rule with an iron fist. We have to put a few rules of our own in place to cut down on this temptation.
Before I share some ideas with you on how to curb bossy behavior in your children, I need to ask you one tough question…
Do you sound bossy when you talk to your kids?
There’s a chance your child learned this bossiness from you, and if that’s the case, it’s time you nipped your own behavior in the bud! Yes, parents need to sound bossy on occasion, but NOT ALL THE TIME!
The best way I have found to avoid sounding bossy as a parent is to simply say “Please” and “Thank You” and ASK more than you TELL.
It takes more time and energy to be polite to our kids, but it is so necessary if we want them to talk kindly to their siblings. Also, consider how you speak to your spouse. Your kids are watching and learning!
How to Stop Your Child from Being Bossy With Their Siblings
*Start small. We tend to throw our older children into the deep end with huge tasks. We have to slowly get them to a position of leadership. It starts with holding a child’s hand across the street. Buckling a baby into a carseat. Washing a little one’s face. Helping a toddler get a coat on. From there, we build into bigger projects that take more effort, but we’ve already given guidance on how to properly relate to a younger sibling while establishing the authority of the older sibling as our emissary.
*Give clear instructions and guidance. Instead of telling an older sibling to go help a younger sibling, show them what you need them to help out with and give clear advice on how to help. This will cut down on the frustration that often leads to yelling matches between siblings.
*Be their backup. Bossiness is often about control. Make sure your older child understands that you will not tolerate bossiness in them, but you also will not tolerate insubordination in the younger sibling. YOU are the final authority, NOT the older sibling, so make sure they know they must come to you if there is an altercation. You will help them control the situation. Because you are the ultimate authority in this relationship and are there to be their backup, they have no need to resort to bossiness.
NOTE: The reason this works is because YOU sent the older sibling to HELP. They are there as your emissary, so more often than not you should be siding with them. This is particularly true if they have restrained themselves from becoming bossy and have come straight to you for help.
*Let them know they are leaders and what that means. The mark of a good leader is that people follow you not because you told them what to do but because you convinced them the direction you lead them in was their idea. Being a leader is humbling because you rarely get to take credit for what you’ve done. It also carries a tremendous amount of responsibility and privilege. In other words, the fact that you are asking an older sibling to help a younger sibling is a BIG DEAL.
For more on giving privileges to older siblings, read Raising Little Kids Alongside Big Kids.
*Give a time limit. As moms, we know that weariness leads to frustration. For children just learning how to lead, weariness comes quickly. They don’t have a toolbox filled with experience that helps them to work through a whole host of problems. So, as they are starting out, give them a time limit – “help Johnny for 15 minutes” or “stop whatever you working on at 3pm no matter what.” This gives them a break without breaking them.
*Mix it up. It’s our tendency to want to keep the peace and put the siblings who work well together in a position to help each other. However, in adulthood, your children will need to learn to work with people who are not like them and even grate on their nerves. Occasionally, put the children who don’t work well together on the same project and be nearby to coach them through the relationship.
*Make a big deal about positive sibling relationships. Too many parents make a big deal about sibling rivalry and end up alienating their children from each other. Focus on the positive and cultivate happy relationships between your children. There is no need to chalk everything up to sibling rivalry. It just ends up breeding more negativity.
*Praise the efforts of the older AND the younger sibling. When you see your children working well together (even if you didn’t assign them to do it) praise it! It is a well known fact that praise makes people want to keep trying and doing well so they will receive more praise! Heap it on, mama!
Ultimately, we are working with sinful people in a sinful world, so grace needs to be our constant companion when dealing with sibling relationships. Keep guiding, keep teaching, keep explaining. And keep in mind that bossiness can become a strength if tempered with humility and a heart for the Lord!
Tara Beechy says
This is wonderful advice. I think this is an issue all larger-than-average homeschooling families deal with from time to time. I admit, I sometimes avoid putting those two siblings who tend to rub each other the wrong way together for my own peace, but I appreciate the wisdom you shared of continuing to put them together so they can “practice”. Thank you!
Amy says
It is definitely worth the practice, but best done when you are in a good frame of mind too! 😉
Mary says
Incredible. Stumbled upon your website as I searched for articles/posts on “morning sickness”. I was simply minding my own business and hadn’t expected to go on to discover a website with ALL of my interests all in one. I’m blessed. Though half way across the world from you, the similarities are many! Praise God for you and thank you for your website.
Mary at wisdomforparenting.com
Amy says
Welcome!
Courtney says
Having the ability to help others and do so with a heart full of patience and kindness is definitely not an easy skill, especially for kiddos. My second daughter is a natural born leader. Her ideas are wonderful so people are drawn to her and she could run a full household at the age of 11. My oldest at 13 is willing to help with the younger ones for the most part but has zero desire to be in charge and tends to lose patience quickly especially when the littles are challenging her. Her serving heart is amazing so I’m excited to implement the ideas you shared to help her be more successful, which of course in turn will help everyone as they see her position attitude and positive interactions with others. The idea to set time limits, outline specific helping instructions and share with the younger child that the older child is being their helper (a mini mama helper) is where I’m starting. I’m in awe when I watch my children and the love they have for each other but just like you said, grace is very much needed when we are living in such a sinful world. Ultimately my goal is to be the best role model so my kiddos can see what patience looks like and they of course will follow by example. I am far from perfect and occasionally my stress is high and my patience is low and in those moments I can sense a shift in my children’s behavior with each other as well. I absolutely love reading your articles because they speak to me on so many levels and they are so practical and helpful for my family.
Amy says
You sound like you have very good insight into your children and who they are. Great job! Please, come back if you can and share how things are going!
NICOLE says
Thank you for this!! I see this in my own home but it is so often from my 2 oldest boys who are 9 and 7. This always happens when I ask them to clean their room! They are only 18 months apart but my 9 year old is by far much more responsible then his brother and I think the 7 year old knows that. It is almost his goal to annoy his brother into doing the job himself! A bit of a different question though, we are looking into going into full time foreign missions and ironically enough lately our kids have been acting terrible toward each other! Calling names and yelling at each other. Many days I feel like I am doing battle with attitudes!! I am sure you have dealt with this especially maybe after a move? We just moved back to our home state, have started school up again and I’m due to have a baby In August not to mention busyness from working on becoming missionaries. Do you have any help for this?
Amy says
Hi Nicole! So, I am convinced whenever I speak about something or write about something, I end up attacked over it. It is as if the very thing I thought we had settled, crops up. It is most likely Satan trying to deter me or bring me down, so quite possibly this is where Satan tries to lead you astray because you don’t “have it all figured out.” Just keep following the Lord! If He wants you on the mission field, He will get you there and your kids will still be kids. They aren’t perfect. You aren’t perfect. And that is the PERFECT place to be to realize how much we all need a Savior! ((HUGS)) I’d also encourage you to look at my large family moving series for practical tips on putting together a schedule after a move – https://raisingarrows.net/large-family-moving-making-an-abnormal-schedule/
Sara says
I wish there was someone who could tell me what to do. I live in a single parent home where my mom is always busy working and I only see her in the evenings. I’m the oldest child at home. I’m 19. I also work all day most days. Whenever I get home from work the house will be a huge mess and I’m not exaggerating. The entire counter will be piled with dishes. The bedrooms have so much clothes and just stuff in the floor. The bathrooms are piled with their dirty clothes and makeup. And my three little sisters are sitting in front of the tv or some other electronic. I will ask them to clean it up but they ignore me and say how bossy and annoying I am. The hardest part about it is that my mom works so hard and gets so discouraged every time she gets home and sees the house like this but she has no control over my siblings. She will ask them to help and they’ll make an excuse or go hide. So she does all the work cleaning up as much as she can instead of making them do as they are asked. This frustrates me because I see how she’s getting old and overworking herself. And I tell her that she needs to take control and show the girls who’s the boss in this house. But I feel like I’m stepping on her when I tell her that. So it’s like I’m desperately trying to help my family be cleaner and more responsible but it’s almost hopeless. Do I give up? Do I be more stern and put my foot down? Am I just overreacting and should I just let them live in filth? I have thought of just letting it go but I just can’t let them live like this. I really care. And I hate that they just see me as bossy.
Amy says
That’s a tough place to be, Sara. If you and your mom could sit down and make a few simple changes that you could implement, that would be helpful. That way, your mom is still the boss and you are the enforcer of HER wishes. Something as simple as regular table chores with people assigned to different jobs (so you can see exactly who isn’t pulling their weight) would be helpful. Don’t try to change everything, but make a few simple changes so as not to overwhelm everyone. ((HUGS))
Monica says
I’d just like to add that you are amazing daughter to see your mother’s struggles and how you want to help. God bless you!
Monica says
What do you do when the eldest is bossy during play? Everything has to go her way or she turns mean and ultimately cries in frustration because the younger sibling doesn’t want to listen. There’s disrespect on both sides and no matter how much I talk to my 8 year old about not being so bossy during play with her younger siblings, she can’t help herself. She doesn’t know how to just play and lets everything play out naturally. Sometimes she’s great and will convince the others to do what she wants but the arguments are so frequent that I just don’t know what to do anymore. And it makes the younger siblings quickly being disrespectful back at her when they’re tired of it. Help!
Amy says
The best way I’ve found to deal with this is as soon as you hear the bossy attitude, ask her to remove herself from the play until she can speak in a respectful manner toward her siblings. You can also encourage her to listen to her siblings and play their games too. It’s a process learning to listen to others, and this may be something she struggles with her entire life, but be patient and ask the same of her.
Maria Rodriguez says
I need a desperate help with my older kids 7 years apart from mine 5 years old.
Zayna Syyed says
I liked your bit about being a good leader and how it can be humbling, you seem like someone who prioritises instilling good morals within your children. Then I saw the bit at the end about grace and I though ah, this is a christian blog. Im Muslim myself but I think religion tends to make you care a lot about having good character. Im sure youre going to raise wonderful adults!