I wish I could say I’ve never been unkind to another sister in Christ. I wish I could say I have always been above reproach, always acted in a selfless manner, always sought to restore rather than destroy.
I also wish I could say I’ve never been on the other side. Never hurt by things said to me, or things not said, but implied or said behind my back. I wish I could say I’ve never been misunderstood, criticized, or left out.
There is a reason the Bible admonishes women not be given to slander (1 Tim 3:11) or run from house to house gossiping and telling more than they ought. (1 Tim 5:13)
Lately, the Lord has been speaking to my heart about these things…about what it means to be a Christian, and particularly a Christian woman. I’ve seen myself flail between having a critical spirit and being completely self-conscious and unsure of myself. And when I look around at my Christian sisters, I see others just like me.
I am a servant of God – I shouldn’t look down my nose at everyone else. I am a daughter of the King – I shouldn’t feel like a good-for-nothing nobody. I am a member of the Body of Christ – but, where is the UNITY?
We women quietly fight over everything from birthing choices, to clothing choices, to worship choices, to Bible version choices…and the list goes on and on. It is in our nature to stir up strife. We are passionate, emotional people. We relate to others via feelings, and we ache for commonality.
But, we weren’t called to commonality.
We were called to unity in Christ. One head, one body, yet…
…the body does not consist of one member but of many.
1 Corinthians 12:14
It is imperative we stop focusing on our differences, and start focusing on Christ!
The women I know whom I feel personify the living, breathing Word of God have one thing in common – a gentle and quiet spirit (1 Peter 3:4). They aren’t doormats or pushovers, but they don’t need to be. They are genuine encouragers. They love you right where you are. And because of that sweet spirit welling up within them, you WANT to be near them, you WANT to ask them questions, you WANT to learn more from them.
So, how do we heal the rift between Christian women? We heal the critical spirit in our own lives.
We criticize ourselves. We criticize others. And when we do that, we essentially stomp all over the sacrifice Jesus made for us. We say, “Yes, Lord, I know you made me a new creature, but you missed a spot,” or, “Yes, Lord, I know you died for my sister, but she just doesn’t get it.”
None of us are going to be perfect this side of Heaven. God isn’t interested in perfection. He’s interested in teachable, usable, willing vessels. A critical spirit isn’t any of those things.
The Lord has been dealing with me on this for years now. He keeps peeling back more and more layers, bringing me to that gentleness and quietness I so desire. Recently, He brought Angie Tolpin into my life via her ecourse Redeeming the Division – The Quiet Fight Among Women (affiliate link). It spoke to my heart right where I am…desperately wanting to heal the rift and move forward in a spirit of unity.
If you are interested in taking this course on your own or with a friend, click HERE.
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I have been prayerfully working through this course, asking the Lord to root out my critical spirit and lead me toward gentleness and quietness, encouragement and grace, love and mercy. It doesn’t mean I am weak in my convictions or I am some how condoning the sins of others. Rather, it means, I am focused on Christ, fully trusting of the work of the Holy Spirit in my life and the lives of others.
Lord Jesus, thank you…thank you for loving me and my sisters right where we are. May we ever be guided by your Holy Spirit. Amen and Amen.
Ashley M. says
Great post. This is something that I can totally relate to. I’ve been on both sides of it. Part of is was a maturity issue for me, I think. I was a super young mom, with super high ambitions and expectations of myself. I expected everyone else to have the same standards I did. I looked down my nose at anyone who I felt wasn’t trying as hard as I was. I’ve learned a lot since then, and I’m still learning.
I’ve also been on the flip side. When a Christian mama asked me what church I went to, I’ve found myself afraid to be completely open and say that I go to St. (Whatever) church. Because I’ve been quizzed and confronted and lectured in the middle of a grocery store when someone found out I’m Catholic. I’ve been verbally attacked by Christian women with picket signs outside of a Catholic convention I attended. I asked them if we could find our commonality, and maybe go work together at a crisis pregnancy center together rather than berate each other for our differences. I was told no- Christ brought the sword of division and not a sword of unity. And I’m not naive enough to believe that this situation hasn’t been played out time and time again, by many Christians from all walks of life and denominations.
The point is to recognize that this behavior, these thoughts, these attitudes, are not of God. It is one thing to be convicted of something and use it to bring you and your family closer to God. But one person’s conviction is not another person’s end. We are all different parts of the same body with different convictions and vocations.
Sarah says
This is a wonderful exhortation. ???? we will never lose our way of we stop looking side to side and only focus on our Jesus, who is calling us to come, commune with Him, and be changed. If we are doing anything BUT that, it shows we have misplaced values. The world will know we are different in the way that we love our Jesus and each other, and Christ was humble, obedient to the point of death. (Phil chapter 2) I want to die to myself too, over and over and in ever way that keeps me from Him. ?? We should be so interested in what He has to say, and so interested in what HE thinks, that there isn’t any time for anything else ???? thanks for writing, I hope many are encouraged!!!!
Kela Nellums says
Oh my friend! I’ve NEVER thought of the phrase that you put so perfectly: God didn’t call us to commonality. He called us to unity.
SO TRUE!! It makes me look at friendships in a different light! THANK YOU so much for this post!
The eCourse has awakened something in me that makes me want to pursue better relationships beyond the screen!!
Amy says
I agree! There is so much running through my head right now, it’s difficult to catch it all!
Jillian says
This is very interesting. Not because I don’t agree with it, I totally do. It’s always present on Facebook, blog comments and that sort of thing. But it’s really making me realize that most of that backbiting is from women who feel in one way or another threaten by each other. It’s usually from women who are more or less in the same season of life, for instance having/raising children. My church is a really small. Like REALLY small. All of the women are much older than me and in fact we’re the only family with little kids there. I haven’t experienced this rift much in my personal life and I think it’s mainly because there aren’t women in my stage of life with who to disagree with, you know? I have lots of mature Titus 2 women which is wonderful, but I’ve been realizing that having almost no fellowship with women in my season in life isn’t necessarily a good thing either. Hmmm. you got me thinking about a lot of things this morning.
Amy says
That’s absolutely true! And I think you are truly blessed to be in a church where the women are at a different stage. I’ve known older women who still exhibit a critical spirit – I think it becomes a habit, and is very difficult to break once you go there.
Mary S says
I have been on the side of having other Christian’s do and say horrible things to me and my children because they don’t understand autism and the challenges that go with it.We have attended several churches and finally just gave up finding one that would accept our children and not judge us and them and decide that we are just bad parent’s who can’t make our children mind.My youngest has a fear of strangers and neither one likes to be touched.The oldest has mild tourrets syndrome which results in ticks and repetitive movements.Because of the horrid comments and judgement from those people who called themselves Christians,I am now trying to deal with my oldest son deciding he is a atheist.I listen to a preacher on the radio on Sunday morning,read my Bible daily and watch the 700 club but it would be so nice to have friends in and be able to attend church like I did before I had my children.Everyone should ask themselves the question”What would Jesus do?” before they react to anyone or any situation.God accepts us as we are and that is why I gave him my heart and soul.
Amy says
((HUGS)) – the blessing of this is the opportunity for you to show grace to the people who do not understand you and grace to your son who is in a dark place right now.
Leah says
Amen!! <3
Lori Alexander says
Another great book is Matthew Henry’s “A Discourse on Meekness and Quietness of Spirit.” It is a book I believe I need to read over and over again to remind myself what a meek and quiet spirit looks like. “And as for the quarrels of others, a meek and quiet Christian endeavors to be as disinterested and as little engaged as a weaned child in the mother’s arms, that is not capable of such angry resentments” along with many other pearls of wisdom such as this one!
Angie Tolpin says
Amy,
Thank you so much for joining me in this attempt to heal the culture among women in the church! Your testimony and vulnerability really bless my heart! I have enjoyed getting to know you a little bit through the launch of this course and I hope our friendship can continue to grow and that one day we can even meet in real life and enjoy a cup of coffee together, laugh, cry, and encourage one another in the Lord!
I pray that this course can be used as a tool to minister to many women! Thanks so much!
Your Sister in Christ,
Angie
Amy says
Definitely!