She looked me in the eye and said, “But what about Prom?”
That was her best shot at trying to make me question our choice to homeschool our children. It took me a little bit to even comprehend her thought process.
Prom? Really?
But, the heart of her question was not really Prom in and of itself. It was that big, bad “S” word every homeschool parent will hear at some point in their homeschooling career:
SOCIALIZATION
However, it isn’t just outsiders who can’t understand how a child who is schooled at home could ever be socially adept. Even homeschool parents themselves, especially those deeply entrenched in a public school mentality, will find themselves petrified of raising a child who isn’t socialized according to the cultural paradigm. They will run themselves ragged taking their children to sports practices and games, classes they don’t need, and group field trips where no one learns anything – all in the name of socialization. (Some parents take their children to these events without the “S” word being their motivation. They are NOT the ones I’m speaking of here – just to be clear. More on that in a moment…)
Parenting out of Fear or Guilt?
Many parents these days are parenting out of fear and/or guilt. They fear doing something wrong, they fear not doing everything, they fear not being “good enough”, they fear raising children who aren’t “good enough.” And homeschool parents are the worst! We have taken Deuteronomy 6 seriously, but rather than believing the Lord will bless our efforts to disciple our children, we run around fearful of missing opportunities and warping our children forever.
And then there’s the guilt. Every missed opportunity, every crazy day, every whiny child, every off-schedule moment makes us feel so guilty, we are almost paralyzed. Despite the fact we know there is no such thing as a “perfect mom“, we still cling to our guilt, hoping it will somehow make us better parents/teachers.
If your desire to socialize your child is based on fear or guilt, it’s time to rethink things.
So, back to the Prom question…
When Others Question Your Child’s Socialization…
More often than not, the reason a non-homeschooler brings up the socialization question is because:
1. They misunderstand the nature of homeschooling.
2. They think your child might be missing out on all the fun they had.
There are other reasons, of course, but most of the people I hear this question from are reliving memories and wonder how a child could ever be happy without those memories.
What they don’t know is that my children are making fun, happy memories all their own!
Think of it this way…
A child in another country is not going to have the same happy childhood memories a child in the U.S. has, yet, many children across the world each and every day are making wonderful childhood memories to cherish the rest of their lives. They are having their own brand of fun. Their memories do not have to look like yours to be good ones.
And just because my children don’t go to a government school does not mean they are never around people. I’m not even sure how I would manage to keep my children away from people. In fact, I would almost venture to guess my children are around a more varied group of people than most public-schooled children. They have met and interacted with all ages of people from all walks of life.
As for those people who are genuinely concerned your child is being warped from a lack of socialization, it might be a good time to educate them on the true nature of homeschooling. It is completely possible they simply do not understand that homeschooling does not mean your child never leaves the house.
Should You Find Socialization Opportunities for Your Homeschooled Child?
Again, if you are wanting to socialize your child because you are fearful or feeling guilty, stop right now and do something else for a while. You will not make a good decision about what kinds of opportunities are good for your child and your family if you are working from those emotions.
Ok, good…let’s move on…
I am not against purposely being social. Children need to learn manners and how to behave in particular situations. They also need their parents to guide them through how socialization works. The epidemic of rude, ill-behaved children in public has a lot to do with parents who aren’t guiding their children through proper socialization. So, by all means, please socialize your children to the point where they know how to behave in public situations!
When assessing extracurricular activities for socialization merits, consider using our family’s list of guidelines for participating in outside activities. This will help to keep you from running around like a homeschool mom with her head cut off. Socialization is not about doing everything and being everywhere, but about choosing those things that truly have lasting merit and will guide your child into adulthood.
raisingcropsandbabies says
The socialization argument is just so weak in my opinion. My kids are going to our local school this year and their time to interact and just play with one another is at recess… that’s it. Probably the time equivalent of a playdate… which homeschooled kids (the ones I know) have a couple days a week.
The reason we sent our kids to school this year is NOT because we wanted to “socialize” them, it’s because I wasn’t doing a good job teaching them! (now I know some parents think that and they are doing great… I wasn’t one of those… I was really not upto par. truly) and my husband is totally against dvd/computer school (like Abeka has).
We went to school growing up and my parents were very intentional about socializing with all different kinds of people (not leaving that to school). We had foster kids, we went to nursing homes and sang for them and visited with them (learning to relate to an older generation), etc.
Anyway, in my opinion, there are pros and cons to both forms of education… the socialization aspect in homeschooling is just not one of them.
Deborah says
I believe the primary issue is that our culture has accepted gov’t school as the ‘normal’ avenue for children in our society. So when one opts out they are not conforming. It is not really about whether we can socialize outside of school, I think we’ve made that obvious, but all about how our children are not socializing through the accepted cultural means. It will always be a problem until gov’t school is not considered the only ‘norm.’ While homeschooling has become much more ‘main stream’ in the past 20 years, it is still the minority. And more frequently the choice is considered an abandonment of public school. Homeschoolers now get accused of not being a solution to the gov’t school problems. And as gov’t school becomes more and more about ‘creating citizens’ rather than educating, the divide may get wider before it gets better.
Emelia says
I am so glad you wrote this post! I get this question all the time from friends and even my family who despite the question claim to support my homeschooling. Between our weekly co-op, play dates, home church and taking them with me just about everywhere I go I would have to say my kids are better ‘socialized’ than public school kids. My oldest (6) politely introduces himself to people we meet and asks them their name and holds a conversation while appropriate. When we leave he says it was nice to meet them and thank you if needed. (I might add that he is ASD and ‘supposed’ to not have these skills so easy). Even if he was in the best special education class he would still spend the majority of his day segregated from the other children in stead of by my side learning to interact in a normal way with society. I am no where near a perfect mother but I know my kids are getting what they need… me and their daddy trying our best. Drives me nuts that people can’t find anything better to criticize homeschoolers over than socializing the most!
Karyn says
As a homeschooling mother, I struggle with socialization in two ways. First, I worry about my kids not having the opportunity to work on group projects and/or to have group discussions. Of course we do these things as a family, and occasionally with some other homeschool families, but I think there’s something to be said for learning to work with kids that might be very different from your family.
Second, I worry about my kids learning how to negotiate relationships on their own. Obviously we work through issues together in the family. But my kids are generally with their siblings or they’re with kids that I have chosen by virtue of being friends with the moms (or there’s Sunday school – but fortunately, they’re again with kids of a similar faith in a situation that’s monitored). I guess I worry about them “staying true” when they have to navigate high school or college, etc, on their own but they haven’t really had practice dealing with rude people, resisting temptations, etc.
On the other hand, I hope that cultivating strong family relationships, laying down a strong foundation in the Faith, and giving them time to learn who they truly are, without peer pressure, will override these socialization concerns.
Stephanie says
As far as learning to work with other kids on a project– I found in school I ended up having to do all or most of the work on my own because I wanted the good grade, until college where we actually worked together on things. So I wouldn’t worry about them missing out on that.
Karyn says
Lol, I totally know what you mean. I hated group projects when I was in school. But there’s even a lesson in that – how to deal with a lame co-worker.
Tiany says
Great post, Amy! I couldn’t agree more. We have had to scale back on the trips where I knew the boys were not getting anything out of it. Seasons change this too! 😉
J says
I was home schooled, now I run my own company, make a decent living, and am in my early 20s. Homeschooling works.
Scarlet says
Thank you for addressing this issue. This is my second year HS our 11 y/o girl. Last year (5th grade) was crazy. I was running around and trying to fit everything around everything else and we got little to nothing done. I tried to put our daughter into every social activity out there because I was afraid of this socialization stigma. What I discovered in the 2nd half of that first year is that my child responded well to the “down-time”. Our experience was that when she was in government and/or Catholic school she was “over-socialized”, in that, the social part of school became the reason for school and the dramas that occurred daily determined whether it was a good day or bad day. Removing the distractions of “Tommy wetting his pants” and “Mary saying she was ugly” and “Sara’s sister cussing at the lunch table”…. etc. made for a more focused time and a LOT less worry. Our daughter found herself. She realized that she was not “the last one picked for kickball” or “the unpopular one” or “the one that never got the answer right”…. She found that she loved to read, draw, play basketball, act, play with young children, look after animals, and a whole host of things that she would NEVER have known in traditional school because she was too worried about “fitting in”. In other words, she realized that the opinions of others is not what makes her who she is. My withdrawn, nervous, wall-flower daughter got to know herself without the, sometimes negative, judgement of teachers and classmates. She became an assertive, self-confident, if still reserved, young lady. She takes her mistakes in stride. She enjoys the social activities she chooses because the time spent with her friends is quality not quantity for socialization’s sake.
Love your blog.
Jen says
Hi Amy, I just came accross this post & want to share an insight from a mom who sends her kids to public schools. I have several friends who homeschool & I follow a number of Christian & education blogs. This “socialization” issue is constantly brought up. But the truth is that the public & even private school parents are just as worried about their child missing out on something. Some (non-homeschool) parents are down-right crazy in my opinion because their kids are in so many lessons, sports, & activities that I have to wonder if they ever sleep. It seems to me that homeschool kids have a more balanced life because they have an opportunity to actually be kids. You have flexibility. You don’t have to be at 6am ice-skating lessons or 8pm religious education classes. A surprising number of kids even go to a secondary school program or tutoring several times a week. School has become extremely competitive & it is no longer enough to be a “good” student. Parents want the very top scores & panic over college scholarships. The schools must preform well on standardized testing. All of this puts a tremendous amount of pressure on kids from elementary school. Is it really socialization when kids lack the chance to actually socialize?
Amy says
Very true. I think parents see those extra activities as the actual socialization, but you are right…there’s not real socializing going on and the pressure is tremendous.
Alicia Bunting says
Thank you so much! I often feel guilty over not getting out of the house more, especially when I think of all the days when we’re hardly home! 4 children, ages 8, 5, 3, 7 mos.