Today is March 10. My baby girl left this world one month ago today.
We went to her grave today. I put indigo delphiniums and baby’s breath on her grave. We read Scripture. I tried to read Ps 30 out loud, but dh had to finish it for me. I could not find my voice through the tears. Ty and I and the children stood in a circle and prayed over her grave. We prayed for strength in the days to come and we prayed for the day we would all see Emmy again.
I spent a lot of today remembering. Remembering the endless ups and downs of her time in the hospital. Remembering how she looked up at me from that hospital bed w/ those beautiful blue eyes. Remembering how we “broke out” of the hospital on Christmas Eve so we could be together as a family on Christmas Day. Remembering how 2 weeks later, we were back in the hospital very scared for our child who now weighed at 7 months what she weighed at 7 wks. Remembering how we thought all was well despite the lack of weight gain. Remembering all the things we “thought” we were going to be doing w/ our little girl. Remembering how she was the belle of the ball that night before she died.
I also remembered before she was sick. Our vacations this fall to South Dakota and Colorado. Remembering how I made a necklace in a bead shop in Creede w/ Emmy nursing the whole time. Remembering how I would blow on her tummy when I changed her diaper. Remembering how I would wake up every morning to Emmy…wide eyed and eager to nurse.
The memories are painful, but necessary. I continue to grieve in snipits. I will have moments where I ache beyond belief. And I never grieve quietly. There is a primal quality to the cries. They well up w/in me and come out in sobs and moans. But, then they are gone. It is almost as if there is an on/off switch to my grief. Sometimes I “tape” the switch down, pushing back all the things my heart wants to feel, but my mind won’t allow. Other times the switch is on and I mourn deeply. Then, the switch is off and life resumes…my life w/ my remaining 4 children and my husband. During those times I can remember Emmy and smile and laugh and love her completely w/o feeling sorry for myself as I stand here empty-handed, b/c although I may be empty-handed, I am not empty-hearted.
Ps 30:11a ~ “You have turned for me my mourning into dancing“
I may not be fully dancing yet, but I can hear the music.
Anonymous says
Amy, Please know that I still pray for you every day! I am thankful that you can smile at the memories of your little Emmy. You are truely a blessing!!In love,Crystal S.
MamaArcher says
I weep for you and your family everytime I read this, for your grief and for the wonders the Lord is doing in your life to bring you through this!I am continuing to pray for you, friend!
Michelle says
My heart aches for you and yours as you endure the loss of your precious baby girl. Your faith and testimony are a blessing. I am praying for you.
Steven Jenkins says
These milestones are so hard to pass by on this journey of grief! Praying for you. At least you have precious memories to treasure for all times. (((HUGS)))Deedee – http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/deedeeuk
Christina says
We sang “Be Thou My Vision” at church on Sunday and I thought of you and prayed for you.
Anonymous says
Amy, your words are beautiful and heart breaking at the same time. I know I’v told you this a hundred times…I’m praying for you and I know you will be dancing again!Lot’s of love-Candi
Anonymous says
My heart breaks for the pain you are in.This must be the absolute worst kind of pain there is, the loss of a child. Although I don’t know you down here on earth I will know you in heaven, I am praying for you tonight.Your sister in Christ,Helen
The Culbertsons says
Tears overflow as I have read your blog this past month. A friend had given me a link to your a post you made in Nov., and as I was reading it, I saw the post about your daughter. I don’t know you, but I weep with you as you weep. May the Lord make His mercies new to you every morning and give you great comfort in the midst of unspeakable grief.
Brandi says
I thought of little Emmy all day yesterday, and of you & the family. The “firsts” are difficult, but know that you are being held in prayerful hands and hearts at these times.
JennyBeth says
My heart grieves for you and me as I read your blog. I am so sorry for your loss. I’ll pray for you and yours. We had a little one go before us ten years ago. It seems like such a long time until I read of another going before then the pain is remembered anew. It’s bittersweet. I am so happy for them to now have to deal with the suffering of this world. Sad for us to miss they joy those precious little ones bring. God Bless.
Anonymous says
I wept reading your words. My heart goes to you. You are in my prayers
Tracey Coombes says
thankyou for your blogg. My little boy died as a stillborn baby on the 29th November 2012. It changed me forever. as i read your blogg, i realise that only cause of my loss do i really feel your pain and others. Otherwise i would have just wanted to not read it, out of fear of such a thing happening to me. Maybe the grief softens our hearts. I recal thinking, this is probably how the father felt when He knew He had to send His son for us. I am inspired by your writing. i want to start a blogg myself.. Its just the idea of setting it up that freaks me out, but I will read your stuff about setting up a blogg.. i look forward to looking around your page and all the fine work you have done. Tracey, Wollongong, Australia.