Don’t let your marriage slip through the cracks of your homeschooling day!
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Resources mentioned:
- The 5 Love Languages (book)
- Just Between Us (app)
- Driveway Dates (post)
- 12 Rules for Life by Jordan Peterson (book)
Transcript:
27 years and 10 children, you’d think we’d have this marriage thing down pat. But I have to tell you that marriage is definitely something you have to work at, something you need to make a priority. And so this podcast is going to be all about how to do that.
Hello, friends. Welcome to the Raising Arrows® podcast. I’m Amy Roberts from RaisingArrows.net. And this is episode number 162 – 14 Ways to Make your Marriage a Priority.
I was actually asked by a listener to address the topic of marriage here on the podcast. And I’ll tell you the truth, if you look at my blog, you will quickly see that I’m a mother. I talk about mothering. I talk about homeschooling. I talk about having a large family. I don’t talk a lot about marriage, and I’m not sure why that is. I mean, I’m married, and I have a great husband, and I just don’t know why that topic doesn’t come up, except that I think there’s a lot of hesitation on my part to share too much about that topic, especially when I have friends who are struggling through their marriages. When I see on the Internet, there is a lot of this angst and struggle in Christian marriages. And there are so many different circumstances and experiences that go into marriage that I hesitate to give marriage advice. I just don’t feel very qualified, even though I have been married for 27 years. And we’ve had lots of kids, so there’s lots of things that we’ve gone through. My husband’s been deployed several times. We have our own set of circumstances, and I guess maybe I’d feel more comfortable talking to just military wives, but I don’t know. Or wives of large families only. But I don’t even know there because I feel like there is this really difficult world out there right now where marriage is not really a forever thing anymore.
There are a lot of people throwing out different medical diagnoses or mental health diagnoses that affect marriage and affect how you see your spouse. And so I really struggle with saying anything specific about marriage because we are all in such incredibly individualized marriages. But that said, I do speak to everybody about homeschooling and family life and things like that, and those things are also very individualized. I guess I’m just very hesitant to step into the realm of intimacy and to give you any rules or hard and fast ideas about anything. And so I guess I just need to caveat this podcast with that fact.
Your circumstances are not my circumstances. I live a very different life than you do. My husband and I have different dynamics than you do. Our family structure and our family life is different from yours. But I am going to give you 14 ideas, 14 ways to keep your marriage a priority, because I do think, as I said, if you look on the blog, you will see I’m a mother. I’m a homeschooling mother. And it may look like that’s my only priority, but I have learned over the years that my husband also needs me to make him a priority, just as he needs to make me a priority. And we do that in two very different ways. And that is something that has taken us 27 years to figure out.
There are things that we are learning about each other every single day. I remember there was a moment in time about two years ago ago where it suddenly clicked for him that I was an introvert and that when I needed time away, he didn’t need to take that as offensive. He felt offended that I needed time away, basically to just sit in my room and do nothing. He didn’t understand. He’s an extreme extrovert – why in the world would you want to spend time away from people? He could not understand that. And finally, about two years ago, it clicked and he went, “Oh, she’s a better person if she does take breaks!” And so it had just really taken him some time to figure that out.
There are things about him that I have recently figured out. I realize that if I speak certain things into his life, he is so encouraged and bolstered, and he is a better husband because I have encouraged him in that way. So you do have to kind of know the individual dynamic of your husband.
I do enjoy the love languages idea, but I don’t think it’s that cut and dry. But if you’re interested in reading up on the love languages, I think that book is a good place to start. The problem comes when you try to box people into a certain love language, and believe that’s the only thing that trips their trigger. And so you only speak to that when really, it needs to be a healthy, well rounded, relationship. And that includes all of those five love languages.
But, it is a good idea to know what really speaks to your husband and what really speaks to yourself and then work from there. Because, honestly, the reason you need to make your marriage a priority, the reason you need to spend time figuring this out, is because the children need that from you. They need to have healthy parents. They need to have a mom and a dad who love each other, who work out conflict resolution, who understand how to get along, how to deal with different circumstances. They need that. They need to see that example. You are going to be the front and center example for them. You need to have that as a priority in your life. Your marriage needs to be a priority for yourself, for your children.
I also want to caveat this with the fact that these 14 things are not ways to make you happy. These are not 14 things to make your husband happy. If either one of you are not happy, that is not the other one’s fault. That is something that you need to work on if you’re not happy. He needs to work on if he’s not happy. And we have to recognize that there are things that we can do and say, and they aren’t necessarily going to make people happy.
Happiness is kind of a fleeting thing. Joy is something from the Lord. Happiness is an emotion, and some people are just not happy. And that is a personal thing. That is not something that you can do. So these aren’t 14 ways to make your spouse happy. These are 14 ways to make your marriage a priority. And some of these things definitely are individualized to me. But there’s some things that I think kind of do well for all men in general. But I’m hoping that you will see through this podcast ways that maybe you could prioritize your marriage, especially when you have a large family.
It is very, very easy for us to get lost in the fact that we have all these kids, and, they need us all the time. And, you know, I gotta tell you, I have older kids and little kids now and everything in between. And I used to think that the little kids were just exhausting, and they were. They were physically exhausting, but now they’re mentally and emotionally exhausting. And so I still have a level of exhaustion. And I have to keep in mind that sometimes I have to push through that in order to make my marriage a priority and not always have the kids as my priority.
I am a mom no matter what, but I am a wife no matter what as well. I took my covenant of marriage very seriously, but my husband and I have not always been sunshine and roses throughout the years. I’m going to be flat out honest with you. We have had our own struggles. I don’t think most marriages manage to go through many, many years without struggles, without coming to a head at some point.
There have been various points throughout our marriage that we have had to work through some pretty tough stuff. There are things we have had to work on separately, things we’ve had to work on together. And again, it’s not about being happy. It’s about honoring that covenant and finding your joy and your peace and your strength in the Lord and focusing on him and not so much on yourself or on your spouse in that way. Because when you’re honoring the Lord, it kind of naturally has this domino effect to honoring the rest of your family.
14 ways to make your marriage a priority
So we’re going to dive in here with 14 ways to make your marriage a priority.
#1 – Have your children go to bed early so that you and your husband can have some together time. Time that is just the two of you. There were many, many years when a date night really wasn’t something that could happen. And so in lieu of a date night, this is a great way to do that. Put the kids to bed, put a movie on, put them in a different room. Put a show on, give them toys, whatever. But the best is probably to put them to bed a little bit early and then take some time for you and your husband.
Or you could get up early. That was always a hard one for me because I would get up and nurse the baby and hit the ground running. I’m still like that. I hit the ground running when I get up. And, we’re not really morning people, so we tend to do evenings. That’s a better time for us to spend time together.
And what that shows is that your marriage is a priority. You do honor and respect that union that these children came from, and so you want to spend time with just your husband.
And like I said, sometimes you don’t have the opportunity to take a date night. As they get older, that is something you can do. But initially, just put them to bed and have some time together. Try not to always just crawl into bed and pass out. Maybe do something downstairs before bed. Watch a show together, have a meal together, have a snack together, talk, spend time intimately. But, don’t feel like every waking moment has to be filled with children.
#2 – Make a special treat for him every few days and tell him that you made this for him. It’s funny how my husband can really enjoy a cookie or something that I’ve made for him, or some meal that I’ve made for him. He really, really enjoys it. But he enjoys it even more when he finds out I made it for him. And in my mind, it’s like, that’s a given. This is your favorite food. I made it. But to him, it’s not a given. He thinks, “Well, maybe it’s for somebody else.” And so I need to actually tell him. I need to tell him, “This was something I made for you.” And he absolutely loves that. You can see it just lights up his eyes, it lights up his heart. He’s so excited. And for me, that’s a pretty simple thing for me to do. Just make something he likes, tell him that I made it for him, and he’s super happy. And the children then in turn see this is key. The children then, in turn, see that I am doing things for their father, that I am making our marriage a priority.
Children need to see that strong bond. I saw a strong bond in my parents growing up, and so I am very cognizant of what that looks like now. My parents didn’t always get along every second of the day, there were things that they definitely argued about, but they resolved those things. And I could tell that my mom really loved my dad, and my dad really loved my mom. And so I had a very good example of that, and I want to be that example for my children as well.
#3 – Hang out in the bathroom and chit chat between the shower curtain while he’s taking a shower or while he’s getting ready. Just chit chat with him, spend those morning hours, try to slow them down a bit and spend time with him while he’s getting ready. Unless that’s not his thing. But for my husband, it is his thing. He really likes me to be there with him. So what I have done is I typically delay my coffee or my breakfast so that I can spend time talking to him. And then I get that later. It’s not that big of a deal.
Maybe you could spend time nursing the baby in the bedroom while he’s getting ready for work so that you guys are there at the same place. Maybe there’s something you can do before he goes to work – have a cup of coffee, sit down on the deck, walk out to the driveway with him as he’s leaving for work, just to show him and the children that that marriage bond is important to you.
#4 – Have him call you when he’s on his way home so that you can meet him out in the driveway for a little driveway date. I have talked about this before on the blog where my husband and I would often just go sit in the driveway and talk. The children knew where we were. They knew they weren’t supposed to leave the house. But they knew where we were. We were just right outside. And that gave us some alone time, without the chattering of voices, to talk through our day, to talk about our evening, to talk about big, heavy things that needed to be talked about. We could take care of all of that in the driveway. My husband would often call me when he was a couple miles away from the house, and I would be out there ready and waiting to jump in the passenger side of the vehicle and just chit chat with him for a little bit before he walked into the clamor of voices and the activity that was going on in our home because there were so many people there. It’s just a nice way for him to decompress and for me to share what’s been going on during the day without trying to talk over all of the voices.
#5 – Text him throughout the day updates about what’s going on with your day. Try not to make it all the doom and gloom crisis stuff. Try not to make it things that are always bad. You know – this has happened and this has happened. Share with him things that are good that have happened. Share with him things that are going on with the family. You can call if that’s something you’re able to do, but otherwise text or you can email, whatever it is that helps you to communicate and then that allows you to keep him connected to the family while he’s away, but also connected to you.
Now, I will tell you if you have older children who get a hold of your phone and there are things that you are sharing on your text that you maybe don’t want them to see, there is an app called Just Between Us, which is where my husband and I do that kind of communicating so that it’s not on my text because your children will see it, they will read it, they will ask questions (and sometimes that’s okay and sometimes that is not something you want them to do!). So anyway, little plug there for the app, Just Between Us. It just keeps it off the regular text message, and when it pops up with a notification, it doesn’t have part of what the person said on the notification. So anyway, yeah, ask me how I know that’s a problem.
#6 – Pray together. This is something that I will be honest, my husband and I have not done a good job of previously. We are really trying to work on this now. After 27 years of marriage, we are trying to pray together more often. My husband has always read to me from the Bible, especially in the morning. He will read a section of verses before he heads out to work. But we haven’t really been super good at praying together.
This was a suggestion that came from my friend Sarah who said she had been told that this was a really good thing to do. It would bring you closer. It would do a lot for conflict resolution. And I have to say, my husband and I had some difficulties a few months back. We started praying together. It absolutely helped things, and so definitely put that on your list.
#7 – Share a pillow. We don’t do this, but we have friends who do. It was a pastor and his wife and they always bought one large pillow as a wedding gift. They had been sharing a pillow for their entire marriage, and they really felt strongly about this being a great way to make your marriage a priority, to keep you close, and to help you realize that you can’t go to bed angry if you have to share a pillow with your spouse. So that was always their wedding gift.
Now, truth be told, for us, that’s not a thing. I don’t want to share my pillow. We also don’t like the same kind of pillow, and so that’s not something that we have done. But I thought it was an interesting little tidbit, and it was something that I do know somebody who does it and finds it to be a good marriage builder for them.
#8 – Don’t be afraid to lock your bedroom door. (Even in the middle of the day.) Put a lock on your bedroom door. The children do not need to be coming in and out of your room all the time. That is not something that is healthy for them or healthy for you. There needs to be a lock on your door. And I know that’s going to be a very unpopular thing for me to say. And this is one of those times I get hesitant about saying anything about marriage. But I do believe your marriage comes first, and your children seeing a strong marriage is super important. And having a lock on the door can be incredibly freeing for a mother who tends to really focus on the children and the fear that they’re gonna walk in. Anyway, I’m not gonna keep going with that conversation, but you get what I mean.
Put a lock on your door, it’s okay. The children will be okay. And just speaking from experience, you might have to teach them to not just sit at the door after they find out it’s locked, because that also is a little unnerving for a mother of many. But anyway, that’s just my two cents there.
Get a lock. Use it.
#9 – Read the Bible together. This is something I already mentioned myy husband does. He reads the Bible to me. He washes me in the Word that is from Scripture, and I believe it is incredibly important. And so if your husband isn’t comfortable praying with you, perhaps he would read Scripture to you. And if he’s not comfortable with that, perhaps he would pray with you.
I do think the two really go hand in hand, and I think that it is very, very important for us as wives to hear that Scripture read to us. I also think that it can be just as good for us to read to them and to share things from the Holy Word together to make your marriage stronger and a priority in your family.
#10- Laugh (a lot). Laugh together about things. Tell jokes, tell stories. Laugh at shows. Watch something funny and laugh together. It brings you closer. There’s this joy that comes from just sharing something funny.
Our family laughs together a lot. We don’t take ourselves very seriously. And I think sometimes Christian marriages, especially, tend to be kind of solemn affairs, and they’re not very funny, and people aren’t very funny and encouraging and laughing together. And so I would really, really encourage you to find things to be joyful about, things to laugh together about. Don’t take yourself so seriously. Enjoy a little teasing and joking, and just work on building an atmosphere in your family, starting from the top down of enjoying each other’s company and laughing together about things.
#11 – Dance in the kitchen. This is something my husband and I have done for ages. We just spontaneously dance in the kitchen. We have a lot of music playing throughout the house, throughout the day and so it’s just kind of something we do. Or my husband will be singing, or I’ll be singing, and we’ll just start dancing. The children have grown up with seeing mom and dad dancing through the kitchen. You know, him twirling me around and dipping me and us being silly. Again, there’s laughter and they’ve seen that and they see that it’s important for us to connect that way. And so again, it’s making our marriage a priority and the children get to see that example.
#12 – Don’t be afraid to kiss in front of the kids. I know some parents are kind of freaked out by that. Don’t be. That is a sign of affection. That is a sign of a healthy marriage. Don’t be afraid to kiss in front of your children. Your children need to see that a healthy marriage has a level of affection to it and it needs to be there. That is important. It is healthy. Your children need to not be afraid of that. Sure, they are definitely going to go, “Mom and Dad are kissing again!,” but when they grow up, they will realize that that was part of a healthy marriage. And yeah, they were totally grossed out by it, but were they really? Probably not. They need to realize that that is part of a marriage, and so that’s making it a priority. We’re not, you know, hiding our affection for each other because of the children, because our marriage is important. And we want them to see that our marriage is important.
#13 – Teach your children now to interrupt. This goes for lots of things in general, but it’s really helpful in a marriage to teach your children not to interrupt. The only time children should interrupt you is if there is something major happening. We have taught our children to put their hands on our arm, on our leg, give us a chance to finish speaking to each other, speaking to other adults. But particularly in a marriage situation, Ty and I need to be able to have a full on finished conversation before we get interrupted. That’s one of the reasons we would do the driveway dates – we need to be able to talk without being interrupted.
And even though we’ve taught the children not to interrupt, and they still do it from time to time. So, I’ll put my hand up or I’ll put my finger up or they kind of pat my leg. Or I’ll say, “Come over here and just put your hand on my leg and I will acknowledge you when I am finished with this conversation.” It makes your marriage a priority that way. It tells them Mom and Dad are discussing something. Please don’t interrupt until we have finished this conversation. It’s a priority, and you’re prioritizing who needs to speak.
And obviously, if there’s an emergency, my kids know they need to come in screaming and telling me what’s going on. But typically, it’s not an emergency, and they need to learn that there’s an order to things and they can wait.
#14 – Don’t always think that you have to do what the children want to do. We do not need to be a child-centered culture. If you have ever read Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life, you will know that he is not real big on the whole child-centered culture. But I knew before I even read that book that it’s not very healthy to have your family be child-centered.
Now certainly, you want to spend some weekends doing things that are fun for the kids, but don’t be afraid to spend a weekend doing what mom or dad want to do. Don’t be afraid to bring them along to shop, or bring them along to go to the home and garden show, or bring them along to go to the library. If there’s something you want to do, something your husband wants to do, something the two of you want to do together, don’t be afraid to take the children and not make it about them.
They need to learn some patience. They need to learn that this is how a family operates. And sometimes, especially when they get older, you will be able to take some time away to do what mom and dad want to do without the children. But for now, if you aren’t able to do that, that is okay. Don’t be afraid to say, “No, we’re not going to the zoo this weekend. I know that’s what you want to do, but mom and dad have a different priority. We have something else that we want to do, but we’d love for you to come along.”
It may broaden their horizons if you take them to something like a car show or something that they may think they don’t want to go to. Don’t worry about it. Just do it. Take them along and realize that you don’t need to have a child-centered culture. You are raising arrows. In other words, you’re not raising children. Those children are going to grow up, become adults, and as Jordan Peterson says, “Don’t raise children nobody likes.” In other words, raise them to be respectful of other people. Raise them to realize that other people have opinions. Raise them to realize that it doesn’t always need to be about them. Raise them to enjoy activities that they didn’t come up with.
So those are all different aspects of this. But ultimately, this makes the adults in the family a priority. It strengthens them. It strengthens that bond, and it helps the children to see what a healthy marriage looks like.
Hopefully, these 14 ideas are things that you’re already doing or things that you could do a little bit better, ideas that will help further your relationship with your spouse. Ultimately, I pray that your marriage is blessed and that your parenting is a testimony to that love!
Have a wonderful day, my friends, and we’ll see you next time here on the Raising Arrows® podcast.
Say bye, Winston. Winston, say bye. (Winston is our mini-poodle, and he was sitting beside me while I recorded this podcast!)
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