I live this weird and wonderful sort of life. I am the mother of an almost adult and an almost toddler, with a whole bunch of kiddos in between. I didn’t raise my two kids, 2 years apart, to the end. I’m going on 18 years of what most people call a “season.”
my oldest and my youngest
circa 2015
About the time my oldest son turned 16, I realized just how different it was raising older children alongside smaller children as opposed to only having older children or only having smaller children. And shortly after that realization came another realization…that I hadn’t a clue how to do this thing properly.
For instance…
Little kids are physically taxing, but big kids are mentally taxing. I may run around all day long chasing littles, but that is child’s play compared to the long-into-the-night conversations and problems that big kids need to have discussed and solved. No one told me I was going to need to know how to balance chemical equations while changing diapers, and dry hormonal teenage tears while kissing skinned knees. I live the wonderful craziness of being a mom who constantly shifts gears between managing a zoo and moderating an intellectual forum. I can go from baby babble to genius in 60 seconds.
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Raising big kids and little kids at the same time is humbling. When I only had small children, I had the audacity to think I would raise them exactly the same way until they were 18 or so. I also assumed any subsequent children would simply be parented the same way I parented my first couple of children. AND, to prove my point, I was very vocal about what this sort of parenting was going to look like.
Oh how wrong I was!
(And just so you know how incredibly wrong I was, when I only had small children I actually told another large family mother with older children that I would never let my children do what her children were doing…I’ve since eaten crow and apologized for my naiveté and arrogance.)
There are many, many things that caught me off guard about raising such a large age range of children all together. The parenting books don’t address sibling issues when the siblings span 10, 12, or even 18 years between. In fact, it wasn’t until I had a conversation with a friend of mine who has 12 children herself that I realized I was not the only one with such crazy parenting problems and naive expectations.
I have had to have discussions about bedtimes, electronics, movies, and a host of other things I NEVER thought I would have to discuss with small children simply because there are big children in the home exposing them to things I was able to keep out when the big children were little.
My little kids have bedtimes that would have been unheard of when my olders were little because the littles can hear that there are still people up and they want to be up too. (It also takes longer to get kids to bed because there are more of them!)
I find myself spending a goodly amount of time taking electronic devices out of the hands of the 2-6 year old crowd. (And you better believe they know how to use said devices!) My older kids can manage their own computer time, but not a chance am I going to let my littles have that kind of free reign.
My little kids often know about and like things that are “older” – music, videos, games – they are used to looking over their older siblings’ shoulders and laughing along with them about things that are often way over their heads. Some of their conversations shock me simply because they aren’t what I would expect from a “little kid.”
I’ve had to adjust my expectations of what “good” parenting looks like to fit the ebb and flow of my family. I would be a crazy woman if I had tried to enforce the parenting plan I had back when I only had littles. It’s not easy raising all these different ages, and sometimes it is just flat out CRAZY, but…
There are some pretty amazing, wonderful moments that go along with it!
I’ve watched special bonds between bigs and littles blossom, and it is beautiful! Of course, everyone loves the baby, but I’ve seen how the little boys look up to their older brother and want to be just like him (even making airsoft videos on my phone and trying to sound all big boy-ish!). I’ve watched one of the older kids teach one of the younger ones something new, and how the toddler will pull his chair up alongside his sister as she makes cookies so he can “help.” And I’ve felt my heart swoon.
My older kids are able to offer input. We have a pretty open-communication relationship with our children, so they don’t mind offering their $.02 about our parenting tactics and what did and did not work with them (and what they think is and is not working with their younger siblings). While this might be off-putting to some people, for me, it is a fabulous resource! It’s also an opportunity to explain and clarify why parents do the things parents do – something not every child gets to see before they are parents themselves.
I can have my cake and eat it too! There is something deeply satisfying about playing blocks and blowing raspberries and then moving to an in-depth political conversation all before lunch is served. My reprieve from the physical drain of toddlers comes in the form of a stimulating conversation with my 17 year old, and my reprieve from the mental drain of teenagers comes in the form of the dimpled cheeks and silly songs of my 5 year old. How rich it is!
So, while this wide range of ages has presented wild parenting problems I never expected, it has created parenting joys beyond my wildest expectations. Blessed would be an understatement.
Are you homeschooling a large family of different ages and stages? You will love my ebook
Large Family Homeschooling!
It is filled with tons of ideas for schooling bigs and littles at the same time!
Peta says
Thanks for sharing – you have a beautiful family!
Patty says
Awesome article, you just described my life perfectly!
Brandy says
I needed to hear this! Thank you for sharing.
Lisa says
Loved this post Amy! My oldest will turn 14 this month, and two days later my baby will turn 1. Totally agree with your sentiments, and challenges.
It’s an amazing opportunity to teach everyone that life isn’t fair and that’s ok. (Though I think my kids are tired of hearing that!) Thanks for sharing!
Rebecca says
So, so, so true! My oldest is 19, in his second year of college (but blessedly lives at home until next school year) and my youngest is 6 months and just learned to sit up. It’s definitely a voyage and not a season. Definitely crazy but also blessed.
Your posts about this wonderful blessed voyage have been great lately! Thank you.
Rebecca says
There are 12 years between our oldest and youngest and no matter HOW much I have always tried to preserve childhood, it constantly amazes me how different my oldest’s childhood was compared to my baby’s childhood…..my youngest is markedly more advanced in the electronic world, more versed in “grown up” issues, has a broader knowledge base than my oldest did. We still shelter her and nurture her innocence but she’s heard too much about politics, menstruation, college, etc. to be the naive little girl her oldest sister was. It’s bittersweet for sure. Of course, when I had my 1st child, 22 years ago, electronics were almost nil……showing my age now!
SARAH says
Great Post! I have the same delima with 12 years between. My olders expect the same strictness as they had, and my youngers expect the same freedoms of my olders. I have had to tie responsability with privileges to keep the peace. Also, appologize to my olders for being so strict. It is funny but when younger I thought ABC will produce good, Godly kids. Nope. I think that is why the bible does not have a direct list of parenting because ABC does not work for everyone. 🙂
Lea says
This is beautifully written Amy. Thanks for sharing.
JANELL says
It is a most amazing journey. Our age range for our 5 children us 18-2.5. The 18 yo being our only boy, he’s graduated from our homeschool but living at home whilst working full-time to pay for college. When we were successfully into our last pregnancy it was surreal, God has a sense of humor for sure. This article nailed it.
Kim Crawford says
Our oldest is 18 and our youngest is 4, with four in between. We have three older children and three younger children, lovingly dubbed, “The Bigs and the Littles”. I love the special relationships the older children have with the younger. My older children have the blessing of learning by observation what it takes to raise a little one. One thing that we try to do is get away for a weekend at a conference with our older children. It is a nice break from the littles, and provides wonderful opportunites for young adult conversation. It is always a joy to come home to the littles, who are so excited to have their big playmates back.
GRETCHEN BLAIR says
Love this post! I only have 5 and they only span 14 years, but I have experienced this. I often tell my friends that it is bipolar parenting. I ask the older kids to come talk to me and ask my younger kids to just be quiet for a moment. I ask the older kids to come spend time with me and I encourage the littles to go do their own thing.
Karyn says
My oldest will turn 13 soon after the baby arrives. I struggle with how to juggle the different needs, especially during homeschooling. How to provide opportunities for the big kids, while doing some fun “cutesy” activities for the younger ones, while making sure the toddlers get their nap time, etc etc. And how to allow the older ones to grow in independence and yet not force the younger ones to be independent too quickly, if that makes sense. But there are some really beautiful moments (especially since I was an only child) — like seeing the older ones teach the younger ones or cuddle and read to them.
Mary l says
I have a 24 year span between my youngest and oldest with 9 children in between. I agree with you on your main points. I always said the ‘physically taxing and mental taxing’ was totally true! I agree with you regarding the incredible blessings there are with sibling love.
Bekki says
I “only” have five boys, but the difference of having both big and littles hit when I was potty training one and teaching another to drive.
What a precious blessing!
I have struggled with the littles gleaning too much from the “over the shoulder” learning from big brothers, yet I am beyond blessed!!
Nola says
I’m starting to feel this dynamic even though my children are all “little” by comparison (oldest is almost 10). My 3 year old wants to do school (not just her own books, she wants the same ones the big kids are using, but she doesn’t get why that doesn’t work). She also has a vocabulary beyond her years and people are shocked at what she talks about…she’s more mature than my other children when they were 3 since she gets exposed to all their homeschooling. I’m also beginning to feel the almost-10-year-old emotions happening around here and also needing to fit in the needs of the 3 year old…its for sure a different kind of tired feeling. I can’t imagine what it would be like with even more kids and ages!
Tina says
I smiled the ENTIRE time I read this! I SOOOOO get this my friend, and as always you nailed it with PERFECT WORDS! 🙂
Dovey Elliott says
Yup!!!! I will say though (and you didn’t directly address it), it is taxing (both mentally and physically) to try to do both at the same time. That has been my day today (oldest is 13 1/2, youngest will be born in 2 months, current youngest is almost 2). The oldest is frustrated because I can’t devote my time to helping him with speech writing, test prep and scheduling because I’m dealing with a 1yo who is into EVERYTHING, 2 others that are sick, 2 emerging readers and writers who need me with them for all of their homework, etc. Sometimes I just about go crazy trying to figure out where I’m needed most! It IS very rewarding though, and I see how it’s a maturing process. It was humbling though as I recently talked with a brand-new mom, and she was telling me what her plans were for her children, and it definitely didn’t look like my littles! Ha! Thanks for keeping it real here. 🙂
Ashley says
You know, this came up recently. But my oldest is only about to turn 10yo. And we talked about as much as we WANT thing to be “fair”, they can’t be. When he was 1yo, he had mommy & daddy all to himself! The youngest doesn’t have that – but he does have older brothers who give piggy back rides!
When the oldest two were babies, no one could give rides but daddy! So, should baby be limited because the older children didn’t have older siblings to spoil them?
It kind of put it in their terms, a little bit.
We change. We can’t help it. 🙂 And we learn what is important, and what isn’t. In some ways, I think the younger trilogy (we have two groups of 3!) has it better than the older trilogy, but yet the older group had more of “me”. But …. I think I’m a more relaxed mother now. God is so good. Had I been left with only a few children, I’m sure I would have been a “Smother Mother”. (I certainly tried to be for the first few!!!)
K says
Thank you for this post! I have really been struggling lately, as everything I used to do doesn’t seem to work anymore. Schedules, rules, just the way the house runs has all changed. I couldn’t figure out what was happening until I read your post. My children are 15, almost 14 (with a disability), almost 10, almost 7 (but he has some delays which make him more like a 5 year old), and 4. It’s been crazy trying to balance the needs of teens versus young children and I feel like the ones in the middle get the “short end of the stick.” I’m so worn out! I need to figure out a way to make this all work, but for now you have given me hope because now I realize it is not just me who has failed or fallen of the wagon, it’s that things have changed and I need to figure out how to adjust life accordingly.
Chris says
I have 6 kids ranging from 17 to 4 & I so relate. I love the relationships between the bigs and the littles. I think too that sometimes reverse of the little kids being into things or allowed to do things because of the bigs is also true. Sometimes the bigs continue to do things or accept certain things because of the littles. Like – would you like your 4 year old brother repeating that? Well, then leave it to an appropriate time.
Tiana says
Amy, I think you could write a whole series of posts on how to do X with both littles and bigs. Bedtime has been the bane of my existence for a long time now, and I think this post helped me to finally figure out why–but I still have no idea how to fix it! LOL
I’d also love to hear how you manage the spiritual nurturing of your children when you have bigs, middles, and littles. I learned this Christmas season that my 5 year old had angels and fairies in the same mental category, and therefore thought the birth of Jesus was a fairytale! Major mom fail!
Alyson says
Ah don’t be too hard on yourself, girl! All five year old are not fully going understand everything about our wonderful God, I certainly am still learning everyday!
Alyson says
I have five children, my oldest being 10. I cannot tell you how much this article has opened my eyes! Lately I have been wondering what all has changed to make my life seem so much crazier…it’s age range! I don’t know why I didn’t see it in plain sight before?! I needed you to tell me haha I just feel like age 10 came so fast that I haven’t been thinking about clear differences in age. Sounds silly, I know. I guess I have just been meshing everybody together with rules, playtime, etc. regardless of age, and there differently needs to be different boundaries between them. I wish you would have hit me upside the head with a frying pan sooner! 😉
Helena says
Thank you for this post, Amy! I only have two children ages 19 months and 4 months. And I especially loved your last point about needing a reprieve from your toddler challenges and so, talking to your older kids. That’s encouraging…I’m looking forward to those days 🙂
Jenny Ervin says
AMY! I could have written this! Yes, yes! I say I have college down to diapers. My 18 year old is doing college from home, works at Lowes and has a completely independant life while living from home. Then there is a 16 year old son becoming almost just as independant quickly. Next my 15 and 13 year old hormonal girls who love life to the fullest. Then the 11 year old son and almost 10 year old daughter in all those middle year stages. The 4 1/2 year old and 3 year old sons are my cabooses. I am still potty training the youngest. It’s a crazy life and unique in SO many ways. But, oh what memories and fun along the way. (As I am typing this my oldest girls comes downstairs with her computer while my baby comes running in excited to tell me he went on the potty today! HA!) Anyhow, love you, friend and thanks for writing my thoughts!
Teresa says
My oldest is 23 and working on his masters of Divinity at Seminary and my youngest is 4 months. I agree with all you said above. Its so very special to watch them all bond and interact! (We have 9 total).
kim says
I read this article to my kids at breakfast and we all had a good laugh! You described our family to a T! One of the kids commented “see Mom, you aren’t alone!” We have 10 children. Nine at home and one newly married! This adds a whole new dynamic! Thanks for the encouragement!
Stephanie says
I too never thought I’d be potty training one child and signing another up for college at the same time. My life is crazy but wouldn’t change it for anything. Thank you for the encouraging words on this season of life.
Angela says
My oldest turned 18 and I have a six week old! I can relate to most of what you mentioned. My favorite is seeing the bonding between siblings that I know will last their whole lives! That’s what I cherish the most. God has blessed for sure!
DHall says
Wonderful! We have two “kids” in their early 20’s and a three year old. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Best of both worlds!!!!
Leslie says
I have 14 years between #1 and #5. We had the first three in a clump, so we had the “big kids” and the “little people.” The youngest is 11 now and I agree with everything you wrote.
Kelly Guest says
I have 10 children (1 in heaven) from 20 to 6. I love this article! You helped me stepped back and see how blessed I am. Each stage has its blessings and challenges. And boy, are my younger ones being raised differently from my older ones! The older ones grew up singing Barney and Veggie Tale songs; now I may hear my little ones singing Skillet or Taylor Swift songs! What hasn’t changed, though, is the love and morals we try to expose and lavish on them. It was also funny going to my son’s high school Meet the Teacher night and not be able to sit at the desk because I was 9 months pregnant! It is an adventure, isn’t it? Thanks for sharing.
Amy says
Thank you for the validation and encouragement. I too have 8 children spanning 18 years. They currently range from 20 to 2. Unfortunately large families are fairly rare in our area so I have no one to share the challenges and blessings with. It was nice to read your blog, nod my head and say “Exactly!”
Lori Gidon says
Love this post! It hit home with our family. My oldest is 24 and I’m expecting out soon to be youngest next month.. And I have 11 children I between.
Our oldest 4 have moved out o our house now, I currently have 8 still at home. 6 school age and a preschooler as well as a toddler.
I wouldn’t change it for anything 🙂 I feel so blessed with our family. I think my favourite part is watching the bonds between the littles and and older ones… When my oldest daughter comes to visit ( she lives 2 hours from home ) and everyone is so excited to see her. Or even watching my 17 yr old son change our 1 year old with no complaints, or seeing my 19 yr old teaching my 3 yr old to ride a bike.. And looking so proud of her for “almost getting it” it melts my heart every time
Looking forward to reading more of your post 🙂 have a great day
Karen Kunkel says
This was a great read! I have 8 children with a 17 year span. My older kids always thought Grape Nuts was a sugar cereal. And my younger kids carried and used knives before they were 10! And in the end, love is all that matters! So thankful for so many blessings! God bless you and your ministry!
Diana says
I love this so much! We have only four, and our eldest is nine, but I have experienced SO MUCH of what you have written here! Brilliant, and so true.
Life as a mama of a growing family is so incredibly different from the life I knew as a child – one or two children per family, closely spaced. Almost nothing that I learned is applicable now. It’s learning this parenting business from scratch, and it is not easy!! I am so thankful for blogs like yours that give such good ideas. Thank you for all you do.
Diana J.
sharon says
I was just discussing this very issue earlier. With children 17 down to 18 months, I am constantly shifting gears. Challenging but beautiful.
Dare says
This was so great to read! I can so relate. Do you mind if I ask for advice? I have eight children who range from eighteen months to sixteen years. I am having a lot of trouble with running the household recently. We are actually keeping up with housecleaning and school work better than we had in earlier years, we’ve got a good schedule and responsibilities are divided, but right now I still just feel like I am losing my mind because I’m always putting out different kinds of fires, and I feel like I’m not the one running the show. I feel like I am reacting to them all the time, rather than their looking to me for direction. There is a lot of asking to do things (good things, like baking or painting, but still it’s all too much!) instead of a contented mood in the house. I want them to be independent, but I feel like a pinball: baby ransacks bathroom, jr. high kid doesn’t understand histograms, grade-schooler outgrows all her shoes, toddler poops pants, high school kid needs to discuss deep emotional topics. And it’s time for lunch. Any advice before they find my shell clinging to a tree like a little brown cicada? I’d just like things to be quieter and more orderly around here. (Sorry if this is the wrong place for this. I’m having trouble finding advice!)
Amy says
I probably should write more on this, but there are days when I feel just like you described – and then I wonder if I have any idea what I’m doing! I try to see everything in terms of boxes. So, when I need to change a diaper, I CANNOT do anything else. I wrote a post about how I quit multi-tasking – huge game changer for me: https://raisingarrows.net/2015/10/why-i-quit-multi-tasking/ It’s not always feasible, but when I can put each thing in a “box”, I end up handling it all much better. Oh, and when someone tries to invade the box I’m currently in, I kindly let them know I’m doing such and such and will get to them next. 😉
Dare says
Good advice…thank you! And it’s nice just to read all the comments and know I’m not the only one.
katie says
VERY true – all of it! Thanks for giving a voice to the moments in my days. – Katie (mom of 11, ages 21 – 2!)
joyce says
wow, amy- this is so ‘spot-on’!! we raised/are raising 5 girls, now ages almost 13, 21, 24, 28, 32. the two oldest are married, and the oldest has 4 children of her own, soon to be ages 1, 3, 5, 7. so when they come to our house to play, it’s more like they are playing with a ‘cousin’ and not their ‘aunt’. one of their favorite things to play is school, and my youngest is the ‘teacher’ for them.
you touched on so many good points in your article. one of the most challenging for me is that physically taxing/ mentally taxing part of relationships, and jumping between the two. in some ways, raising the older girls has been more stressful, trying to help them work through ‘adult’ situations, while still dealing with a younger one at the same time. and trying to stretch yourself to meet everyone’s needs…..
thank you for sharing your stories. i love reading your blog.
Lori says
Thanks for putting this out there. While I do not have quite the ages you do, I could relate to so much of it. It’s nice to hear someone say it.
Krystal Ostrom says
That was beautiful. I am right in the middle of what you have just described so well. My oldest is 15 with a new learners permit and my youngest is due April 1 with 8 in between.
Gillian says
I just found this blog and I’m in love.
Our oldest is 18, our youngest is 9 months. With 2 in the middle ad hopefully more to come.
im just going to keep reading!
I love the bedroom dilemma, the stress is real!!
Kim says
We are not homeschoolers but we have a big age range too. My oldest will turn 13 within weeks of the arrival of baby number six on a few months. Crazy to think about having a newborn and a teenager at the same time!
My husband grew up having the same thing, I think the oldest was 16 or 17 when the sixth and youngest was born. My mom as well beong the second oldest of 7 living. But I grew up with only one brother 2 years younger so it is all new to me!
Chrystal says
Amy, I just want to say you are doing such a wonderful job! I teared up reading this post to hear the challenges you face. You are such a hard working moma and I love your heart to welcome all these gifts from the Lord. By the end of your post I was encouraged to hear that although it be challenging raising lots of children with great age differences, how rewarding it truly is. May God bless you!!
Amy says
It truly is a wonderful experience!
Sara says
Thank you for this post. This is something I have tried to process myself as I reflect about my large family. I see my friends who stopped having kiddos way before we did and wonder how my life would be different like theirs if I was not balancing such a wide variety of ages. It is challenging for sure, but I do also see the blessings. I also have had to change my original parenting standards when my first two were little to fit our wide range of ages. It is hard when we are around families with only young ones not to feel judged since we don’t have the same strict standards for my olders as they do for their youngers. Oh well. This post was encouraging to me. Thank you.
Amy says
I’m glad you were encouraged! I never would have imagined how different it would be raising such wide age ranges!
Mikki says
Thanks! I’m glad I found this article. I only have 4, but they are 10 years between first & last – and I find myself experiencing a lot of this. My youngest recently informed me he was not a baby-( he is way to grown up for his age) and can’t understand why he doesn’t have the privileges of the teenager.
Amy says
Ha! Some day he’s going to wish he was little again! 😉
Season Rone says
Yes yes yes! I have 12. My big kids say “ We would’ve never gotten away with that when we were their age!” And my response is, “Well, you weren’t Being raised along side teenagers!”
But I love your perspective Amy and how blessed we are indeed!
Amy says
Yes, my big kids think the little kids get to do WAY more than they did, but they also lived in a different time and place and in many ways THEY got to do WAY more than the little kids do! My 21 year old is just now starting to see it clearly. 😉