For some women, the question of whether or not their cesarean was necessary never crosses their minds. In fact, I’ve even heard some women say they wished they had signed up to have a c-section from the very beginning.
I was not one of those women.
If you’ve ever read my Birthing Journey, you know my first child was born via c-section. You also know I firmly believe he should not have been. You also know it took me 8 years and 3 VBACs to heal from a 6″ scar.
When I would tell people that having a c-section was bothering me, most would say, “At least he’s healthy.” I wanted to scream. He may have been healthy, but I was not. I couldn’t get past the fact that I felt broken. I felt like a failure. I felt cheated.
The question of cesarean necessity is a complicated one, and it runs MUCH deeper than medical diagnoses.
Very few women go into birth wanting a cesarean, especially in my circle of granola mom friends. The more natural the birth, the better. Some are even viciously militant about the way they give birth, which only adds to the struggles a mom who ends up with a c-section feels. So, my first plea would be to avoid judging anyone based on how they gave birth. Not every c-section mom is “too posh to push.” And if you are the c-section mom, understand that you didn’t “cop out” just because you had a cesarean.
If you are a mom struggling with the question of how necessary your c-section was, let me encourage you to redirect that question away from where you were to where you are now.
The question of whether or not my c-section was necessary had consumed me. I was angry not only about the surgery itself, but also about what this meant for future births. I was worried what people might think when they found out my very first birth was a c-section. I worried my home-birthing friends would scoff at me. I was worried I had lost credibility as a mom. And the longer I dwelt on the past, the less hope I had for the future, and the more fear I felt concerning that future.
But, I didn’t need to “just get over it.” What I truly needed was to put the past in it’s proper place…as part of my story.
When you begin to see your c-section as part of your story, you begin to see how you can use that story to help others and shape a future that accepts its past. In fact, true healing came in the form of a La Leche League leader telling me to choose to have the best birth *I* could have when I was pregnant with my 3rd child. She knew what it was like to be disappointed in a birthing experience, but she also knew what it was like to move forward, making choices only she could make. She chose to use her story, to help me. And I choose to use my story, including the part she played, to help others. I learned that my expectations and my reality did not have to be at war with each other.
Several years ago, I wrote a post about birthing expectations on a friend’s blog. In it I wrote these words:
“I was not a product of my birthing experiences, nor a martyr to my birthing expectations. I could make a birth plan, I could desire an unmedicated vaginal birth, but that did not mean a different sort of birth was a failure and made me ‘less than.'”
Following my first c-section, I chose to change OBs and find one who was VBAC-friendly. I went on to have 4 successful VBACs. (You can read about those births HERE.) In 2009, I had a 2nd c-section. I made the choice to try for a VBA2C and worked hard to find a doctor who would support me in that. (You can read about my first VBA2C HERE and my second one HERE.) Now that I have had a third c-section, I know I will no longer VBAC. That too is part of my story.
I made the choice to be fully accepting of the cesareans in each case and fully accepting of the future beyond those cesareans. I purposely did things to enjoy my pregnancies and ease the expectations I used to feel were so much a part of the experience. I told myself each moment was another part of my story, and I would make the best choices I could.
If you have had a c-section that you feel may not have been necessary – or even one you know was necessary – and you are struggling with difficult feelings, you may have to face disapproval or guilt or drastic changes to your birthing future, but remember these things are a part of YOUR story, not someone else’s story. How you birth doesn’t prove what kind of woman you are, it doesn’t give you super mom status, and it won’t get you to Heaven.
How you birth is YOUR moment, but, I can almost guarantee you, God will place someone in your life who needs to hear what you have to share. It’s part of that Titus 2 mandate for older women (or women further along in this journey)…teach them to LOVE THEIR CHILDREN. Part of loving your children is loving the moment they were born…that moment when
YOUR story became THEIRS.
Tiana says
This is beautiful, Amy. I’m also a VBACing mom, and I’ll never know for sure whether or not my cesarean was necessary “in the moment”. I do know that it was preventable, and my birth story probably would have been a lot different had I made different choices, and had I known it was okay to say “no” to my doctor when it came to unnecessary interventions. But it is part of my story, and I am amazed at how often God has used it to help me help others. I also don’t know that I would have had my amazing homebirths had I not been pushed to make that choice due to lack of hospital VBAC support in my area. So, my cesarean, although painful and possibly unnecessary, has shaped my life in good ways, and for that I am thankful.
I actually do know women who have had VBA3Cs, so don’t completely write that option off for yourself yet. Providers tend to be more open to them with large family mothers, because there are risks of serious placental problems that increase with each cesarean–so it is generally safer to VBAC, even after multiple cesareans, for a mother who knows she’ll probably have more children. Just something to consider, if you haven’t already.
I hope you’re healing well and enjoying that sweet baby girl! 🙂
Amy says
Tiana,
I do have some other reasons for deciding not to pursue a VBA3C, but thank you for the encouragement. 🙂
Karin Owens says
Amy, I very much appreciate you sharing your story with us. As I was reading, I realized there is truth here that is so much bigger than birth stories and whether we’ve had c-sections or vaginal births.
I have been going through a Bible study (actually for the second time around) teaching about freedom in Christ and breaking the chains of captivity in our lives. One of my biggest areas of bondage has been shame…shame over my past, shame over my choices, lots of shame about who I was before I became a Christian. Part of my healing and freedom from shame came when I realized all that stuff from my past was part of my story, part of what God has used to make me beautiful. I’m not saying that stuff was beautiful or pleased God. It was not and did not. I’m saying God can use anything and turn it into an opportunity for His glory if we will allow Him to. He has already had me share my story with some others that needed to hear that. Like your La Leche friend, my story has been used by God to help others heal. God will use each of us AND our unique stories IF we will allow Him to, IF we will give Him access to that part of our heart, IF we can be set free from shame.
“But, I didn’t need to “just get over it.” What I truly needed was to put the past in it’s proper place…as part of my story.”
Thank you, Amy, for being willing to share your heart and your struggles to be used by God for something much bigger even than birth stories and expectations.
Amy says
Karin,
Would you mind sharing the name of that Bible study? I would be interested in taking a look at it. Thank you!
Karin Owens says
Sure. It is “Breaking Free” by Beth Moore. Very powerful! I highly recommend it, but with a few caveats. I think the study as well as the video segments are important. Also, I think it’s better if it can be done in a group rather than on your own (however on your own is better than not at all ????) In my opinion to get the most out of it you really need to do it in a group you REALLY trust and feel comfortable being completely open and transparent with. Those are just my opinions about it though.
Karin Owens says
Those ???? We’re supposed to be a smiley face. Not asking a question there. LOL
Amy says
Thank you for sharing, Karin!
anna says
This couldn’t have come at more important time.I too have had 3 sections,and in between sections there have been a number of VBACs.However the last one was a section and am now due again in July.I have been determined to try VBAC again but feel my body will fail me,or it will end in a rupture.This is really scary stuff,no matter how much research you’ve done into the risks and pored over sites with success stories.Bless you Amy for putting feelings into words and helping to differentiate between past,present and different deliveries.It was a relief to read this text.
Amy says
((Anna))
AveStellaMaris says
Well said. Similar experience with nursing… I nursed all three of my babies for differing lengths of time. My first was a “wall sucker” (the nurses said he was one of those babies who would stick to the wall, his suck was so violent), and nursing was so painful, I could only nurse him for 6 weeks. My second, I nursed for two weeks — she was a lovely nurser, but taking care of my first (who has special needs) was so hectic, I had to switch to the bottle. My third I nursed for three months (which puts to rest the argument that I was just “lazy” and not committed to nursing, as I nursed my third child the longest).
All through three experiences I battled extremely low milk supply (yes, I tried everything). I was just not psycholigically equipped to nurse. I was a horrible mess from all the guilt of thinking I was “less than” what a “real mom” should be. But the second I started bottle feeding, I was more confident, more present, more rested, and my babies were getting FED. They slept better, they were happier and they didn’t associate eating with stress. It became pleasureable for all of us. Qute a different experience from when I was trying to nurse.
Are my children (now 7, 5 and 2.5) healthy? Healthier than any other children I know — we have never had strep throat, have only had one ear infection, and have only used antibiotics twice — EVER. Are they well-adjusted? Absolutely! Do they love their Mama? Are we close? Have we parental bonding and familial intimacy and profound love? You bet your biscuits! But I still envied other mothers who could nurse with relative ease and enjoy it. I felt a pang of sadness when I saw them nursing their little ones while they smiled and chatted with me like it was the easiest and most natural thing in the world. And when my children were babies, I know other moms judged me as I pulled out a bottle (!!!!) to feed them.
But now I don’t care. 🙂 That was part of my journey — A VERY SMALL PART. Just as how your baby came into the world is not a measure of your love or your ability to mother well, so are many other choices. Let’s stop the shaming and support each other. Are c-sections, co-sleeping, nursing, attachment parenting, organic foods, immunizations and circumcision really worth dividing the Body of Christ?
Amy says
Oh how I agree! But, it is SO hard to get over preconceived notions of there being a RIGHT way to do thing. We tend to almost make them salvation issues! We really do need to keep ourselves from that type of division.
Stephanie B says
I am right there with you on the nursing bit. My first child nursed for a week before my supply dried up. My milk never came in for my second child. So far I have been able to keep up my supply with number 3 (almost 2 months) but I have to pump. He flat out refused the breast.
Natalie says
Thanks for reminding me that we need to love the moment they were born. I’ve struggled with the awkward detachment I felt when my first was born, compared to the bonding I experienced with my 2nd & 3rd. I still feel like there’s a small barrier in our relationship. And the kids LOVE to hear their birth stories…I really need to think about what message I’m sending by the way I tell it.
Amy says
I will admit I really had to work at my relationship with my oldest, but we are VERY close now. You can heal that gap for sure!
Kersten says
Would you consider sharing your heart on the idea of future Csection? I have birthed 6 children 4 of which are cesarean. I am wondering about other moms cope who prefer natural birth but are having surgical births. Thanks for your transparency. 🙂 blessings ?
Kersten says
* how other moms cope
Amy says
Kersten,
I do hope to write about that in the future. In the meantime, there is a lovely ebook that I will be rereading if I get the chance to have another child – http://gratefulforgrace.com/2012/06/make-the-most-of-your-c-section/ I’d encourage you to take a look at it. 🙂
Kersten says
Thanks for the idea. I will check it out. Are you going to write a post about your latest birth?
Amy says
I will eventually, but I still have some things I need to process through. I usually have to give myself some time before I can write about each birth. 🙂
Alexis Scott says
Amy,
I am a mom of 3, 2 here, 1 in heaven. My first was an emergency c/section, my second was a VBAC waterbirth at a hospital, and my third sadly passed away at 22 weeks due to a fatal skeletal disorder. I follow your blog personally but am on the board of directors for ICAN(International Cesarean Awareness) in the Twin Cities MN. Have you ever checked into a local ICAN network? I found lots of amazing support there. Your feelings of loss and disappointment are so valid and I struggled with the same thing for a long time. Would you mind if I shared your blog post on the ICAN Twin Cities blog during the month of April for ICAN awareness month. Your post is very powerful and I could see this resonating with a lot of different families.
Amy says
Hi Alexis! Yes, I actually looked to ICAN to help me find support long ago. Fantastic resource! I think I mentioned it in another post, but neglected to mention it here. I would love for you to share the post! Thank you so much!
Rach D says
Thanks Amy for sharing with us openly & honestly…I have never had a C section previously but I can honestly admit there are times (without knowing what I was asking for) I had ‘wished’ for one because my ‘regular’ birth was so traumatic…for example my last birth was 18 hours of induction terror, but I had to tell myself (when PTSD symptoms tried to appear) that the baby was healthy & it was indeed the best choice based on what we were dealing with at the time. I am on the brink of another birth & I have to pray through the fears of what happened last time re-occuring, but God is faithful to give me hope & strength 🙂
Births are a very personal matter, I agree. Sometimes we can look back & wish other things had happened, but eventually we must make peace. By sharing our stories as you have done. I totally agree 🙂
Thanks for being so brave to share with us. I pray that this story blesses many other Mamas 🙂
By the way, beautiful baby, beautiful family!
Rachael @ Diamonds in the Rough
Jennifer Dewing says
Our 9th child was born last Thursday, March 26. And he is my 8th VBAC. Our 1st child was born via c-section, due to her being in the breech position and 8 days past her due date. I must admit that I’ve never felt less-than or inferior because of this c-section. It was what it was and life does go on. However, what *has* made me feel less-than, I something that still makes me feel guilty, was the fact that with her, I went back on birth control at 6 weeks postpartum and within a week, it dried up all my milk. Even though I knew it was the pill, it never occurred to me to stop taking the stupid stuff! I can still remember sitting on the edge of the bed, trying to nurse her but nothing was there. 14 years later and it *still* brings tears to my eyes. It is something that I’ve had to work through and learn to forgive myself for. Unlike the c-section, this was something that I could have controlled. So yes, in another way, I do know what it’s like to not have the experience that you want/expect/dream of, and the aftermath of trying to come to terms with it. This is part of my story and, after many years, I am choosing to make it a positive one instead of the negative one it’s been. (For example, it gives me an unique perspective into the “bottle vs breast” debate and I feel I can better support any mother on either side, for I’ve been on both sides. While I have been successful at nursing my other children ~ the youngest is nursing well so far, but my milk just came in, so we’ll see if that continues ~, I still remember feeling inadequate and “wrong” for bottle feeding my eldest.)
Amy says
So true! You have a perspective that someone who has never bottle-fed does not have. You can help because your story has allowed you an experience that was/is very emotional. You won’t just willy-nilly offer advice. I’m so thankful for people like you!
Leah says
Oh Amy…sometimes I feel like you and I could be sisters. You get frustrated and angry over such similar things as I do! And the Lord grows you through that frustration. I was so disappointed to have a c-sec and then a failed VBAC. But when you talk about it as MY story, I totally agree. We cannot pick and choose which parts of our story we want to keep! Of course I would cut out the part about my failed labor, the miscarriage would go too, and the death of our 5th son would not be pleasant reading! But Praise the Lord that I am not the author of my own story….for the perfect Creator has written every day of my life out in HIS book. I will continue to marvel at the ‘plot’ of my life….and am enjoying the new twist of being pregnant with our first daughter. God bless you Amy! Keep writing and keep being a wonderful mother to all of those blessings you’ve been given.
Amy says
Awww, congratulations, Leah!
Heather B says
I gave birth by c-section 4 times when all I wanted was a natural birth. God blessed me this year and I was able to successfully give birth – a vba4c. I hope that God will allow me to continue to have vba4c but if not, I am forever grateful that He saw fit to allow me to birth naturally this time.
Rebecca P says
Wow! First, this was a great blog post. I am the only woman my age at my church who has had multiple c-sections. With each section I was trying for a natural birth. So, it’s rather disheartening. It has also proven to be a stumbling block in my faith walk. I am due any day now with my 4th baby. A baby that we never tried to conceive, unlike my others, and I am so excited to meet her! I am going to labor again and hearing about women give birth naturally after multiple sections gives me so much hope! Take care, all of you lovely ladies!
Kristen says
Our sixth child was born last week- all six C-sections. My first was breach and they could not turn him and his heart rate and my blood pressure dropped really low. I attempted a VBAC with second but had emergency due to undiagnosed vasa previa; so thankful that he survived despite huge blood loss. The next four were scheduled. My struggle wasn’t about whether they were necessary but about being content and not disappointed in surgical arrival. (Although now looking back, maybe I shouldn’t have agreed to first or maybe should have tried again after second.) To compare to marriage, knowing the marriage is more important than the wedding, I was so glad to read “Make the Most of Your C-section;” Mindy is so kind and encouraging. I was so determined this time to “Make the Most of My C-Section.” I talked to doctors about having family centered C-section. I looked forward to listening to Toby Mac in the OR, to having drape dropped to see my brand new baby. This time my scheduled C-section became emergency C-section so I was unable to have any of those things. I know most important thing is healthy baby and healthy mama and I am so thankful for those but I still feel the disappointment. And it seems no one understands the disappointment since I didn’t have to go through labor (although I would so pick that if given the choice).I get so frustrated when people say I got the easy way out . I know I should write my birth story but I don’t know whether to write now when its all fresh. Or to wait a while when these baby blues are gone and I can just be thankful for this amazing blessing. My husband and parents all think this should be our last. I dont know what I think. I know I’m rambling. Thanks for listening,
Amy says
Thank you for sharing, Kristen!
Dana says
I thought this was such an encouraging article for most mothers, but it would been discouraging for me a number of years back, so I hope I can encourage the mothers who hope for a vba3c.
For the sake of brevity I won’t go into all of my crazy birth/delivery history, but will just share only what is necessary.
After 2 vaginal births, my third baby was born by j-incision c-section.It was a truly needed and life saving operation, but I was told I could never vbac. I had two more c-sections, and then God allowed me an incredible (and unplanned) homebirth after 3 cesareans.
January 2012 I had a wonderful (planned) 2hba3c and in May 2014 was blessed to have my eighth baby, my 3vba3c (hospital birth).
I do not know the circumstances surrounding your third cesarean, so a vba3c may not be possible for you, but there are many women longing for a vba3c, and they need encouragement. Our bodies are wonderfully and fearfully made. God created our bodies in such an awesome fashion. Our bodies are very resilient and able to heal.
I have a lot of friends who have had 6+ cesareans. The Lord has used these mothers greatly to encourage other mothers who have had multiple cesareans, just as he has used me in encouraging mothers who have a “special scar” or desire to have a vbamc.
If the Lord should bless you with another precious arrow, I hope your next birth is a blessing, and I believe it can be whether it is a planned cesarean or a vbac.
May we mothers enter our births with prayer, and trust in the Lord for His good and perfect will. May our births bring Him glory, honor, and praise.
Thank you for your willingness to share and encourage many others.
Kristen says
I wish I’d read this many births ago. I just had my 6th C-section- the last four were planned but if I’d read this encouraging message earlier, I would have researched and prayed more and might have tried VBACA2C. I accepted the doctors’ message that you “couldn’t” VBAC after 2 or more C-sections. So glad you’re sharing this message. I love all my children dearly and am so thankful for them but I do wish for different birth stories. I’m praying to just appreciate my story as it is instead of wishing for different.
Mindy at Grateful for Grace says
I love, love, love this! Why? I’ve had to have 6 c-sections and I too had to face the scoffers and those who looked down their noses at my birth experiences. It’s also why I wrote the ebook you shared about years ago, Make the Most of Your C-Section: Prepare for a Natural & Personalized Birth. I want women to embrace their birth and make the most of it. Embrace their story.
I’m grateful for your reach and pray women take this to heart. And give grace. To themselves. And to each other.
Jillian says
Great post Amy! I’m on my computer today. 😉 I’m really passionate about natural birth only because having one or two cesarean can end up determining how many children you have. I’ve had 5 different doctors before finally exploring the world of midwives, and none of those doctors performed VBACS if you’ve had more than one c-section. Crazy. It’s so sad that they don’t give women the chance to at least try. So strictly as a way to protect my fertility so to speak, I realized the importance of a low intervention birth. It’s not even because I think it’s so much better for the baby, though I suppose it is. I’ve met way too many women who’ve said thay can’t VBAC and their doctors won’t perform more than 3-4 c-sections either, essentially determining their family size. I had 5 children before I realized the importance of having a low intervention birth. Before that I got the epidural every single time. Three of those five births were very close calls where it was only by the grace of God that I didn’t end up with a section, so I’m a lot more cautious these days. But having said all of that, I feel like I might want an epidural this time around. lol 😉
Amy says
This is a really good thing to think through. And boy, do I know what you mean about wanting an epidural – some pregnancies are just like that!
raisingcropsandbabies says
I’m getting ready to have my 4th C-section (5th baby) in 2 weeks. For me, it was also all about putting birth into perspective too. I had a traumatic homebirth with my first, resulting in his permanent injury (he also had to be resc’d and is just my miracle) and injury to me. It was very obvious C-sections would be the safest choice for all future babies…
But coming from one extreme world (homebirth) to another world (C-section births) was very strange. There was a lot I had to work through… A lot of pride I had to deal with (which was good!) and so on.
My Mom encouraged me and told me that the birth of a baby is just one or two days and in the grand scheme of things, it would seem so small when the kids get older. Now they are 7,6,4, and 3 and I completely agree already. It helped put birth in perspective. For me, none of my births were ideal (though my C-sections resulted in healthy babies which is such a blessing and they’ve been a lot more peaceful and calm, which helps)… but that’s just life, right?! The lesson started with my homebirth and I could either begrudge that or accept it all and focus on the positives and learn that motherhood means rolling with the punches. It took a bit of time, but I got there!
As I get ready to give birth in a couple weeks, I’m focusing on the positive… C-sections mean my sisters and my mom fly out and help. How fun is that?! It also means I know when my little one will be born and I can plan accordingly (helpful with older kids to get childcare for).
Anyway, I can now say I’m so thankful for C-sections and what they’ve meant for our family. 7 years ago I never thought I’d utter those words. 🙂
Amy says
So thankful you’ve come to that place!