Many years ago, I wrote a post about how my children were not my slaves. I am acutely aware of how easy it can be for parents to start barking orders at their children, and because of the personal stories of people I know, I have always worked hard to not be “that” parent.
But something I said in the post sparked a lot of questions from readers. Here’s what I said:
“As parents, whenever able, we should be right in there working alongside our children.”
What confused readers were the words, “working alongside.” It invoked images of either a family business or mom working on every single task WITH the children all day long, thus never getting her own work accomplished. I had neither of these in mind when I wrote that, and felt a clarification post might be a good way to help parents understand what it looks like to work alongside your children.
In our house, there are systems. We have Table Chores, Friday cleaning chores, Laundry assignments, and other management systems that keep the house running as smoothly as possible (which can still feel like a big ole roller coaster ride with this many people in one house!). I am the manager of these systems. I am the Chief Operations Officer (COO) to put it in business terms. I coordinate, I oversee, I assist as needed. And, yes, I spend a lot of time REMINDING.
So, when I say “working alongside the children,” I do not mean doing the chores with them. I mean BEING PRESENT during the chores, either working at your own chores or supervising theirs.
As children get older, they notice idleness in others (how many times have you heard them complain about a sibling not pulling their weight?), and they will most certainly notice if YOU are idle while they work. Of course, there are times in a mother’s life when “idleness” is really rest (morning sickness, recovery from an illness or surgery, etc), but even then, I try my very best to be PRESENT, guiding, directing, encouraging, and being mom.
This also means taking my turn in the management systems. For table chores, I’m bussing my own portion of the table, helping others with their chores, and making sure the job is done to completion. With cleaning chores, I am helping to tidy, moving from room to room checking work, and managing little ones. I always take a rotation for laundry as well. You do not necessarily have to do exactly what I do, but do be “busy at home” (Titus 2:5). Your children will learn their work ethic from you.
Also, keep your own grumbling and complaining about household duties in check. It is one thing to lament the massive amount of laundry to be done, and quite another to fuss and fume while you wash, dry and fold. Try to stay light-hearted, and learn to love the work you do.
And never forget the FUN! Your children need fun in their lives. They need their work day to end (and so do you as much as possible). You can read more about how to do this in my ebook – Creating a Peaceful Home.
Work in breaks throughout the day. Celebrate, feast, laugh, love! Families work hard AND they play hard. We are our own little community, so we pull our weight, and we reap the harvest!
Looking for an age appropriate chores list for your children? FIND IT HERE!
MaegaN says
I just wanted to thank you this morning Amy. I am always so appreciative of your perspective and experience! It is honestly something I look forward to in the morning! I am so encouraged by this post because sometimes (well almost all the time, lately) I feel so overwhelmed I think that God got the wrong address written down when He assigned the “package of crazy” I just opened!! If you know what I mean!! I know that there is never more than I can handle, sometimes I really wonder what my limit is!
Anyways, your post reminds me that I have to make time for the fun parts of life too, not just the tasks. And it’s good to hear that it is not just my struggle!!
You are such a blessing! Thanks for pushing through and making this blog a part of your life, so that I can read and be reminded I am not alone!
Amy says
“Package of Crazy” – that just make my day! You are so welcome! And honestly, I write here because I need it more than anyone else!
Clarissa West says
I needed this reminder today, thank you Amy!
Tara says
Your “My children are not my slaves” and “Metime Myth” are two of my go back to posts. They are such great mindset checks for me.
Karyn says
I try to sometimes do some of their chores when I get a chance as a sort of gift. I’m finding that my older ones have started to do some of my chores, without being asked, and it warms my heart. I like when it feels like we’re all pulling together as a family.
Holly Castillo says
This was how life was until a restricted pregnancy with a husband that has never worked less than 60-70 hours a week in a 12 years. I keep telling myself God let things go south for a reason. Two years ago, life was much more organized (only mom picked up the slack for everyone and ended up neglected herself. Dad didn’t pick up in it because he was either working, or sleeping.) Now, I am finally re looping from extended pregnancy with no bend, no luft over a gallon of milk, no squat, etc (multiple over 41, 42 and at 43 week pregnancies) excessive fatigue, and disconnect from family and church family that left you and your family to struggle alone (as in 1 prayer in the last trimester…the rest was all on you and God while you did what he told you to do …sit still, or your body may not heal and your child could be harmed.) Add ADHD, etc and consistent chronic gout flare us and you end up with two adults, who at time can only depend on the grace of God to get to the next day. (While whirlwind children mess up your house and Christian leaders scold you for not being on top of it, I magically cleaning things up the day after your child survives birth.) Learning to work together can happen in mysterious ways, like carry for the youngest. Currently, I am spending time in between the madness trying to clean up a year and a half of mess made by 9 other people. Grumbling …haha! No time for that in front of the kids! Just trying to keep everyone from dyeing while I scrub up the dust and dog hair. All the while trying to stop and coordinate a real food meal that fits my hubs diet plan. He doesn’t really feel like cooking after lumping at work all day. Somehow, coming home and slowing down brings the pain to the peak of the day. What energy he does have left gets spent in the kids and feeding himself.
No two lives are the same! Not all advice applies. Sometimes, you swim with the fish against the current.
Heather says
Thank you so much for this reminder!
I am truly thankful for your blog and many others! All of them are very encouraging to me to be the best mom I can be! May you be blessed!
Rachel says
What you wrote about children perceiving their mother as idle is so true! I’ve been struggling to put it into words, and you wrote it perfectly. So I quoted you in my current post about to-do lists and included a link to this article. Thank you for writing this!
trialanderrorhomeec.blogspot.com/2016/05/boardmembers.html
Amy says
Great post! Thank you for including me 🙂
Rachel says
Thank you!