Both Ty and I have been grieving a little deeper these past few weeks. It seems to go in cycles. We hurt and then the pain eases for a while.
Resurrection Sunday definitely lifted our spirits as we thought about the truth that our Lord had conquered death long ago. Because of His sacrifice we are not drowning in our sorrows…we have hope! Someday we will see her again!
But, for now we are left with a grave to tend.
I think of how the women went to tend Jesus’ grave and found He was not there. Truly, Emily is not there, but it is the site where her tiny body is buried and a place where we can go and honor her memory.
I feel very close to God there. I feel His presence there as we pray and remember.
Her short life was wrought with many circumstances that brought Ty and I to our knees more than once. We could do nothing but rely on the Lord to keep us moving forward…one foot in front of the other…one step at a time. Surely, this is way we should live our lives every day, not just in times of crisis.
Crisis has a way of reminding us that we are not in control and we need a firm foundation in order to run the race set before us. So, despite the awful pain of losing Emmy, I am so thankful that I have come to the place where I can do nothing but cry out to God and let Him carry me.
I continue to surrender on a daily basis. When I do not choose to surrender, I find myself frantic, which leads to an inescapable weariness. I feel as though I am searching for something I will never find. It is imperative I keep my eyes and heart turned toward the Light, so the shadows do not consume me.
For those of you wondering, no, we have not chosen a gravestone as yet. We continue to struggle with how to say all you want to say on a bit of stone.
This weekend, we did put up the Spring wreath to replace the winter one at Emily’s grave. My friend Cis added the shepherd’s hook recently so we can put potted plants or wind chimes up. We’d like to have Ty’s dad make us a metal butterfly to hang from there as well. The wind is atrocious out there, so we’ll need something that will stay put.
Notice the lamb with the flowers underneath the wreath? That was a thrift store find I could not pass up. I saw it and kept thinking how nice that would be. I even left the store before realizing I would regret not buying it for her grave. It looked precious out there and I am thankful I went back and purchased it.
Her gravesite is now all spruced up for Spring. It made me smile to see all the beauty out there. And that green, green grass… *sigh*
Anonymous says
(hugs)…..love you guys.
Stephanie
mama4x says
I have been reading for awhile, but have never commented… thank you for your transparency. I have just started a blog and can appreciate better how hard it can be to share, but thank you that you do. I’m glad the God of comfort is with you. Have you heard the song Glory Baby by Watermark? “just let Jesus hold you, till Mom and Dad can hold you, you’ll just have heaven before we do.” Its a great comfort. May God hold you in his strong grasp!
Fruitful Harvest says
(((((HUGS))))))
Amy~
My heart aches for you and with you…..I can only imagine the deep sadness.
I pray you have more good days than sad.
I too would not know what words a parent puts on a stone….I pray that when and if the pain eases something profound will come to you.
Warmly your blog friend,
Georgiann
Trennia says
I too have a little girl in Heaven named Emily.May GOD give you comfort in your time of sorrow.Jesus will help you, yes there are days I just can’t see past the storm, but there are days of comfort too.And because JESUS lives your little girl and mine do..and so will we someday in heaven with our Saviour and our beautiful babies.Lord bless you…as you rest in HIS almighty arms.
Angela says
It’s so true that crisis has a way of making us realize our utter dependence upon the Lord. And losing a child has a way of making us long for Heaven. Praise God that He uses even our crises to draw us nearer to Him.
Kristy says
Your posts touch me so deeply. I can feel a fraction of your grief – for you. I can’t imagine going through what you and your husband are.
I pray also for myself – and all of us – that we would turn to God for our daily needs – our very breath at times – all the time – not just in times of crisis. It just takes one health scare to make you realize our desperation for God and His intervention in our lives.
You have made her grave a very pretty place – I think a butterfly windchime sounds beautiful.
Amy @ Raising Arrows says
Kim,
Thank you so much for taking the time to “meet” Emily. It is always nice to hear from another grieving mama…there is an understanding there that I would not wish on anyone.
I will stop by your blog later when I have a bit more time.
Blessings,
~amy
Kim says
Sorry… that’s http://www.lovingtolearn.blogspot.com
Kim
Kim says
I’ve been reading over your blog for the last hour or so. Emily’s story speaks to me so much. She looks so happy. I love looking at your pictures of her — and the pictures of her grave and how you are making it special. Once you lose a child, you understand things so differently. The eternal perspective is never out of your mind.
I lost my youngest on August 3, 2007, and tending his grave weekly still brings me a peace like nothing else. I feel closest to my Nathan (who was stillborn) and to God while there. We haven’t put a permanent stone down yet either, but I have painted a few wooden plaques for his grave, experimenting with what I want the final stone to say… maybe this fall the time will be right.
I also found a little teddy bear figurine — an “angel mama” with a toddler boy kneeling at her knee – that is adorable and just *feels* right. I have one of those at Nathan’s grave and one next to his picture in our home. Strange how little things like that bring comfort and take on importance.
Kim, Mom to 9 great kids here on earth… and 1 precious son (and 3 surprises) waiting for us in heaven…
http://www.livingtolearn.blogspot.com