Whispering sweet nothings in my little one's ear.
I’ve mentioned before the fact that we are a family who dialogues… a lot.
I had a reader ask me to speak more on being conversational with your children. So, this post will be my attempt to flesh out the things I have done as a mom to create a conversational lifestyle within my home.
Disclaimer: I am a “talker” by nature. I am also a “teacher” by nature. The things I have implemented in my home come naturally to me, but will not necessarily come so easy for someone not so talkative. So, if you are less conversational than me, don’t assume you are getting it all wrong. Just try a couple of these suggestions, and remember you have other giftings I couldn’t even begin to dream of managing in the way you do.
1. Greet your children. I almost always greet a child who has entered a room or when I enter a room they are in. I say something like, “Hello, sweetie!” or “There you are, little one!” Too many families flit in and out of each other’s lives without taking note of each other. I want my children to know I truly am thankful to be in the same room with them.
2. Talk big. Our first child was born while my husband and I were in college. I was getting a degree in English and had a lot of reading to do. I learn best by reading out loud, so quite often, you could find me sitting in front of my little boy reading from Shakespeare or Austen as he drooled and cooed in approval. I remember my husband (also a talker/teacher) having conversations with our toddler son on historical events that went far over our small son’s head.
But, doing this set a tone. We have continued to use words that seem much too “big” for our children’s comprehension. However, we do it in a way that teaches. Here is an example from a recent conversation:
“Megan, it is imperative you learn to lead your younger siblings by example.”
I let it soak in for a bit, then follow up with,
“It is so important they see you doing something that is worthy of being followed.”
No, I didn’t define the word imperative by pulling out my dictionary and giving her an exact definition. I simply RE-WORDED what I had said using a word she does know. That way, in her mind, “imperative” and “important” must go together. As she ages and her vocabulary broadens, she will be able to clarify these two words even better.
3. Gather starter questions. Sometimes parents don’t know WHAT to say. They want their children to open up to them, but they have no idea how to get from silence to dialogue. That’s where having a few “starter questions” in your back pocket can make this transition easier.
Gather these questions from books they are reading, movies you have watched as a family, events that have happened recently.
Megan and I are reading through several books right now. One is Raising Maidens of Virtue
. There are a lot of good discussions within that book on the topic of modesty and femininity (note: this book IS for a more mature female audience, so please don’t read this book in mixed company or with a young lady who is not able to grasp the concepts within the book). The discussion questions within the book have often sparked other discussions that have led to very wonderful moments for mom and daughter.
A lot of times when I want to dig deeper with the children, I will recap something we have seen or experienced and then ask them specific questions pertaining to that experience. For instance, we watched Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed a while back. For my younger children I was able to explain to them that Richard Dawkins suggests at the end of the movie that aliens might have created humans. I simply ask them what they think about that. That usually gets a good chuckle out of them and then they say things like, “Mom, aliens aren’t real!” and other such outbursts. For my older children, I am able to dig deeper with why someone might be perfectly fine with suggesting we were created by alien life forms, but not by God. If my little ones happen to overhear the conversation, all the better!
The key here is to see events and other things you encounter in your lives as a jumping off point for conversations. These are teachable moments…don’t let them slip by!
4. Be genuinely interested in them. It is VERY easy for parents to slip into the mode of constantly critiquing everything their child says or does. You child mentions how neat the video game at a friend’s house is, and you immediately pounce on their words with a ferocious, “Video games are bad for you!” Don’t be so intent on squashing weeds, that you squash the flowers too!
Engage your child in a conversation about WHY they like the video game. Find out what is behind it. Really listen to them and to their interests. Redirect that interest, if need be, but be gentle. You wouldn’t like it much if someone were always telling you that the things that interest you are ridiculous and worthless.
5. Educate yourself. I am a big proponent of “continuing education” for moms. No, I don’t mean going back to school to get a degree of some sorts. I mean being a lifelong learner. Surround yourself with good books, good movies, intelligent conversations.
Homeschooling naturally lends itself to these sorts of thing because as teachers, we are continually looking for more resources to help in our quest. Use those resources yourself. When something interests you, pursue it, chew on it, and then like a mother owl, spit it back up for your children to chew on.
Your children will thrive in an environment where they feel like they can talk to you. They want and need to be guided by wise words and parents who LISTEN to them, not just HEAR them.
So, what can YOU do to today to be a conversational mama? I’d love to hear about it!
MIssMOE says
Thanks for the awesome post. We are talkers in my family as well. We have always talked to our kids–and now we have teenagers that share so much with us. I know that it is becuase we started talking early and because we as parents practiced listening just as much.
Kimberly says
I am also a talker by nature…at least I was, until my lungs decided they didn’t like me anymore!
I will admit I miss singing with my kids …you don’t appreciate little things like that until you can’t do them any more!
Kate @ Modern Alternative Mama says
Just while reading this, my 3-year-old randomly said, “I like cars.” So I said, “You do? Why do you like cars?” Turns on she meant Cars, the movie. Now both kids are asking me to turn it on, LOL. I honestly like to find out what they like and why, it’s fun. And when they ask questions I try to answer them. It’s how we learn so far. My 3-year-old is obsessed with the sun and moon right now so we’ve been talking about that a lot.
Dawn says
I love this post! My oldest daughter was recently mommy-diagnosed with “expressive language disorder”, so being more conversational is something my husband and I are both working very hard on. He is much more of a talker than I am, so it’s a little easier for him– they’ll sit and have an entire conversation about sports, and although she doesn’t really have a clue about what he’s saying, she’s still engaging him and giving her two scents. I, on the other hand, do lots of hands on activities with her, but half an hour might pass before I realize neither of us has said a word. I’ve read that one of the easiest things I can do is just to continuously make statements about what it is I’m doing throughout the day, with a few “non-frustrating” follow up questions. Things are going well! These were some great ideas you’ve offered– they may very well benefit me just as much as my daughter.
Bonnie says
Thank you Amy for this post…I am reminded that I need to LISTEN more and TALK less!
Christine says
We are both talkers in our house as well, and I definitely see it reflected in my 2.5-yr old who doesn’t stop talking! 🙂 My husband, though, tends to be better at it than I am, as he will converse with our daughter with things that I wouldn’t have thought of, or things I think she wouldn’t take interest in. But, it being daddy, she is interested in every word that comes from him! And to my surprise, she’ll mention those things in later conversations (even though she probably didn’t understand it fully in the first place). I am really grateful for her constant talking, when she’ll come to us and express her feelings, and why she feels that way. That’s something we were intentionally trying to teach (as I was brought up to keep feelings in), and it’s such a joy to see her do it. 🙂
I notice a big difference when I look at children of other friends who don’t talk as much, and just like you said, I also notice those same children with special gifts or talents that they’ve received from their parents. Gifts that we don’t have, and could be learned from them!
Carrie says
I love this post. I think it’s so important that moms talk to their kids. Why would they ever listen to us if all we do is talk AT them? How will I get to know my children unless they are comfortable talking to me? I think, especially, that beginning this habit while they are young will make the teen years a little better. I mean, maybe. 🙂
Ben says
How much dialog / interaction time do you think homeschooled children need with their Dad?
I work *extremely* hard and I’m contemplating maybe getting married some day and at the moment I had 38 hours per week (about 5 hours per day) estimated in my rough schedule for family / church interaction time if I got married. I’m trying to figure out if that’s enough or maybe if that’s even a lot more time than needed.
Any insight from anybody into about how much Dad time is about right would be greatly appreciated! 🙂
Amy says
Ben,
Kudos to you! My biggest piece of advice to you is to be available. No matter what job you work, try to be available during the day for phone calls, emails, etc. Dads don’t get as much time as moms do generally, and what you do get needs to be quality, but my children like that they can call Daddy up and tell him something during the day. 🙂
Ed says
Howdy Ben,
On average, the time that you would have during the week is probably what most men have also, plus a little more on the weekends/days off.
As Amy said, you need to make sure you are available, but also make sure that your future wife and children know that you treat it as priority. Don’t fret – if your heart is following after God and His precepts, then He will give you the opportunities that they need to interact with you, which in turn you will feed off of and desire even more. The fact that you are being mindful of it now, counting the cost beforehand, is evidence that you are desiring godliness, and as such, He has made it clear in the Scripture that He wants to bless the man who seeks after God’s own heart and confirm those things that the man is seeking.
Many times that interaction is just simply when they are able to hang around me as I go about doing projects, shaving, or whatever. My children (9 of them, soon to be 10) are simply part of the fabric of my life, and their mother and them are my “daily vacation”. I’m not saying I’m the bellwether, but although I am mindful to make sure that the quality is there, I find that those in my family that need more time with Daddy just simply let me know through their actions/body language/etc. how much interaction is needed. Otherwise, I am simply content to just simply let the family “flow”, gently guiding it in the godly direction it should go, making course corrections with individuals as necessary, with periodic breaks for family devotions, which are under-girded with the natural conversations that we have on Biblical/spiritual subjects, which seems like about every other conversation. On top of that, then there is all the other blessed times like when my children start spontaneously singing a song of worship to the Lord while going about their tasks, which causes others many times to also start singing along with them. If it is good godly music, then it will also reinforce the spiritually edifying environment/lessons being encouraged in the home.
Amy says
Well said, Ed. Thank you so much for chiming in!
Anita says
Ed you sound like a wonderful man and a wonderful Dad… good on you!!
Suanna says
Maybe I need to try to talk more with my kids. I’m used to talking to them, but I tend to be a matter of fact person and may need to practice a little bit more talk, talk.
Carla B says
We are a very conversational family too. I loved this post. It is so easy to overlook. So often moms (me included) don’t take the time or effort to engage our children in conversation and really listen to them. It’s easier to bark commands, dole out criticism , and talk at them. Thanks for your little reminders and wisdom.
Anita says
So true Amy… I am a teacher by nature and I do talk alot to my children… I have done nearly all of my “schooling” til now just by talking to them “Sweetie look! That’s an “A”. Do you know what sound an “A” makes? A! What starts with an “A” sound? A-apple, a-avocado, a-acrobat, etc, etc. They learn so much just through conversation!
Recently I was concerned about my child watching a tv show that was showing bad behaviour on the part of the star and I was concerned that he was too young to pick up that it was bad behaviour and was portrayed later as having been a wrong choice. So I said to him “Do you think what Thomas is doing is a good thing?” He said “No, it’s not!” and I asked why and he was able to explain what Thomas was doing wrong and when I asked what would have been a better choice, he could answer that too… so I was happy to let him keep watching it… nothing dodgy in it, just bad behaviour that wasn’t instantly corrected in the show. I wouldn’t have known where he was at in his assessment of this unless I’d had that conversation with him.
Amy says
Ooooh, good stuff, Anita! Exactly the line of thought I was hoping to convey!
Anita says
😀 Oh and I also had the thought that sometimes when I’m reading a book to my child for the first time and I think the text may be a little over their heads (lots of words they’ve never heard), I’ll re-word it the first couple of times I read it, then gradually introduce (one or two at a time) the new words in my paraphrase. Or explain one at a time.
mrs g says
good post!
I will certainly be mulling over this quote “Don’t be so intent on squashing weeds, that you squash the flowers too!”
think I might have been guilty of that a little too often.
cheers,
Mrs G.
Brooke Campbell says
My brother has been struggling with getting his daughter to talk to him. He tries to engage with her in conversation about her day and she always responds in a short few word answers. I keep trying to give him advise like, just keep talking to her. However, it’s discouraging for him because he only gets shared custody of her. I think he needs to try harder to be genuinely interested in her and get to know what she really likes, etc.
carmen says
As a babysitting teenager, I found myself doing this all the time. Asking questions and asking why they think things work. I realized you could find out different personalities that way. They are little adults. Now I have 3 and one of my favorite tools in homeschooling is youtube.com. When my child is interested in something, or asks a question, we can talk about it and then we look it up and watch it. I’m a visual learner, so I love watching and so do my kids.
Betty says
A woman after my own heart! I have found that dialog in our family has been so crucial. And I see it missing in families nowadays. It’s so important. And so is using big words! 🙂 Thanks for sharing this.