Loving your children is a given.
But do you LIKE them?
And do they KNOW it?
Recently, I was reading an excerpt of a Reb Bradley article posted on Josh Harris’ website. A personal story concerning his relationship with his son related in that article stuck out to me as something every parent needs to read. In his words:
Few others in his entire life had shown him much acceptance, especially not his mother and I. It is no exaggeration – in our efforts to shape and improve him, all we did was find fault with everything he did. We loved him dearly, but he constantly heard from us that what he did (who he was) wasn’t good enough. He craved our approval, but we couldn’t be pleased. Years later, I realized he had given up trying to please us when he was 14, and from then on he was just patronizing us.
I hovered over those words replaying the last 13½ years of my mothering and wondered…
Do they know if I like them?
Do they feel approval or do they think I never think they are “good enough?”
The easiest way to raise children who lose all respect for you as a parent is to make them feel like they never do anything right. And unfortunately, this is so very easy to do.
Many times our parenting is reactionary and done with selfish motives. Recently, I relayed to a Raising Arrows reader my own selfish motives from years ago (that still manage to rear their ugly heads on occasion!) Here’s what I wrote:
I remember telling God after my first child that I didn’t deserve any more children because I was a terrible mother to the one I had. I went to bed nearly every night kicking myself for my angry behavior during the daytime hours towards this little guy who was just being a little guy. What it boiled down to was my own heart attitude and how I saw his childish foolishness as a personal offense and something that went against my picture perfect view of what childrearing looked like. Honestly, it was selfishness mostly…I simply did not want to deal with real parenting.
In Mary Pride’s book All The Way Home she mentions people wanting to have children like they have pets or a hobby. It’s a selfish want. I hadn’t meant to be like that, but I was. I wasn’t a joyful mother because I was a selfish mother who wanted children who behaved like well-trained pets or could be put aside like a hobby.
When I began to take mothering my God-given children seriously, I began to see my children as blessings.
And that’s where the rubber meets the road…if children are blessings and rewards as the Bible says (Psalm 127), then we need to treat them that way and rejoice in motherhood…even when we don’t feel like it. Sometimes we just need a little practice…
It just takes time and perspective and a whole lot of grace and mercy from you and for you.
Blessings,
Amy
We must practice joy. We must learn to not only love our children, but learn to like them as well. We must look into their eyes and hearts and smile…
Great big no-strings-attached smiles.
Even when you are tired or don’t feel like it or have said the same thing over and over all day long.
Don’t just love your children.
Like them.
Clara says
Good point, Amy. I need to think on this, and then work on any areas that are coming up short. 🙂 Thank you!
Stephanie says
Great post!
I’ve discussed with a friend two days ago a similar point: That there are so many mothers, who are making their own stuff and don’t really care about their children needs. It’s like you said: They see children as a kind of hobby, like a pet.
Thanks for remembering us!
Ginger says
Uh, that title just struck me hard! With bio kids, they know we love them, but need reasurrance that we like them. With adoptees, they need assurance of both. My 11 yo adopted son is extremely quiet, and as a result I have a hard time knowing what he’s thinking and feeling. I was crying to hubby the other night, discouraged: Does he know I love him? Does he really know that? I’m just nuts about that kid. I love this, this, and this about him. But I don’t know if he knows that!
The Lord convicted me gently that if I feel that way, then I just need to work harder to show him how I feel about him. It’s easy with adoptees to forget that our relationship with them will ALWAYS be a ministry.
Amy says
Ginger,
I never thought of your relationship with them as a ministry, but you are so right. I pray today they know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you love them…and like them 🙂
Christina says
Just what I needed today! I love your blog, so inspiring! Thank you for allowing God to work through you to reach the hearts of other women and men 🙂 I usually forward them onto my husband.
Vicki Arnold says
Thank you so much for this post. God has been speaking to my heart on this very subject a lot lately. Thank you.
Jessica says
This was a much needed reminder for me right now. Having my first child be full throttle into toddler-hood right now. I hear “no no” a lot during the day. I have to constantly remind myself that he is NOT doing this to annoy me or as some personal agenda against me. He’s learning how to live and be a person and it’s our job as parent’s to teach them to be civial little people. I think this could also apply to your husband too! I always try to make sure my husband knows that I’m his friend and I still like him as a person and a friend!
shelliv says
It’s a little too late for me. I understand this wholeheartedly, my youngest daughter must have felt this way and we lost her. She walked out on the Lord and our family 4 yrs ago. All I can say is “but God” cause He has showed me that she will be coming back my selfishnes and Her selfishness was the reason she left. He has dealt with mine and when He finishes dealing with hers, she will come home to Him and us.
Amanda L says
Your last two posts were such a blessing to me Amy. I am so blessed by you and so grateful to God that He has revealed so much to me so early in my life (my husband and I only have our little one year old so far). I feel He often uses you to set my feet on good paths early on. I am so thankful 🙂
Amy says
That truly is a blessing, Amanda! 🙂
MyChildsView says
You have absolutely no idea how much this post means to me. I struggle with this daily and then feel like such a failure as a mom. Eleven years of it every. single. day. I pray about it every day, too. To have a change of heart, to see them through Jesus’ eyes, to *enjoy* them. It is not fun at all to live like this and want it to be different. I honestly don’t know how other than through prayer. I don’t know why it’s so hard. I printed your list and am praying that having it with me to reference contstantly will help. It breaks my heart completely and I know they deserve better.
Amy says
Keep taking it to the Lord. He knows your heart and He loves you and your children. He is faithful and you are not in this alone. {hugs}
Hannah says
Another blog post that really hit home! I do like my children and I tell them that all the time (enough that my 3 year old daughter will come up to me and tell me that “I like you a lot, Mommy.”) I’m working on making my words and actions match up though. I expect my children to behave well and when they don’t, I need to remember that they are just being children and they’re not acting up just to make me look bad or ruin my day. Motherhood is not about ME, it’s about them.
Mary says
I was talking to a friend about this recently. We were talking about our husbands being out of town. I mentioned that I miss mine, but I have a great time with my girls. This post is a great reminder that liking my kids should be an everyday thing – even the days my 3 year old asks the same question for the 575th time!
Amy S. says
Your post is so awesome!!! Thank you so much for sharing! I had a similar God moment a few months ago. I had been thinking about how babies are so much easier for me than my bigger kids. Then God impressed on my spirit that babies just need care givers, but the bigger kids need parents not just care givers! I realized that is where I was failing – I hadn’t been parenting and my kids reflected that. Since that moment, I have worked harder at seeking God for His guidance to be a better parent – the type of parent my kids deserved and NEEDED!!! And, yes, since correcting my perspective, I have been enjoying my kids more!!
Again, Thanks for sharing!!
Amy says
In many ways being a mother to bigger kids is just as time consuming and takes WAY more thought! 🙂
Michelle says
Hi there I found you through a friend that has been following you! I read the story of you beautiful daughter. I am SOOO sorry for the loss of that sweet little girl!! I had a miscarriage about 3 months ago and there are times my heart just aches! I can’t imagine the pain you have gone through. You are SO brave to share your story. I am also a christian and I KNOW I trust God but how did you come through with your faith without questioning everything? I am getting better and accepted the lost of our sweet Brasen. I feel the anchor of God in my heart but have been questioning like crazy! … I was due 02/10/12.
Also I am looking into homeschooling myself. I am a bit scared to even try it. It looks a little overwhelming to me and I am not sure I am smart enough to do it (I have add and a terrible reader myself). What made you want to homeschool? How did you get started? How do you know what is the right curriculum for your children?
OK anyway I just wanted to write you and tell you thank you for sharing your story!
Amy says
{hugs}
As for homeschooling, if you read through the Homeschooling Mother section of my blog, you will find a wealth of information there! https://raisingarrows.net/the-homeschooling-mother/
Sonja says
Well said, Amy. So many times I loose focus. Being home with my kids all day and “doing” for them for all these years does not equal liking them.
Hm, I have some kiddos to hug now.
Thanks for the reminder and encouragement!
Sonja
Kim Crawford says
I was convicted of this years ago, as a young mom, when I was going through an Elizabeth George study. She pointed out in Titus 2, that the older women are to teach the younger women to “love their husbands and children…”. Interestingly the word used for “love” in the text is not agape(the sacrificial type of love), it is phileo(the friendship kind of love or the liking kind of love). For moms, I think it is easy for us to agape our husbands and children. We sacrifice for them all the time, because it is just what we do. But to phileo them takes effort. It requires us to meet them where they are at and enjoy what they enjoy. For me this means that sometimes I need to put aside the things I am doing “for them” and just focus on being with them. Thanks again for the post!
Brandee says
Thanks for this post. I have recently been battling the knowledge that I wasn’t very well liked when I was a child and I am repeating the same behavior…. so hard to overcome!
Also, I cannot find the checklist on the fb page 🙂 Thanks again!
Amy says
On the left-hand side of the facebook page, there are different “tabs” and one of them says, “ONLY LIKERS”. If you click on that there will be a link to the checklist 🙂
Christopher L Martin says
I’m definitely not your average reader, but I wanted you to know that I adore your blog. My wife and I are Christians and are leaving family planning to the Lord. We currently don’t have children, but hopefully soon and we are hoping to be blessed many times! Even though we have different views from you about which parent should stay home (I will be the homeschooling parent), the information on your website is still wonderfully interesting, helpful with raising Christian children and instructional for saving money and making many work in a small area. Your blog has inspired me in many ways. My wife and I even broke out the sewing machine today to start our cloth baby wipes and diaper stash!
Thank you very much and I can’t wait to read more! God Bless!
Chris.
Amy says
Welcome, Chris! You are embarking on a wonderful adventure!
Priscilla says
Thank you, Amy for sharing your thoughts on this subject. As a mother of four, my two oldest are ages almost 17 and 16, I can see a lot of wisdom in these words.
Amber V. says
This was such a breath of fresh air today in the present season of life that I’m in with 2 toddlers & another on the way. A much needed blessing… thank you for sharing!
I am a LIKER on facebook but I couldn’t get the link to load… I sure would appreciate this list… is there another link that I could use? 🙂
Gina M. says
I just found your blog and let me say, that I am thankful. This post was just what I needed to read today. I often wonder if I am being too critical of my children at times. This was a wonderful reminder. Thank You for sharing. 🙂
Lisa H. says
I have made it a habit in our house to tell my kids: “You are a treasure!! I love you AND I like you.”
Marla Morgan says
Amy, thank you so so much for this post. I’ve been praying for over a year to see my children as blessings, and it’s been such a struggle. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Marla Morgan says
And, thanks for the checklist too!! 🙂
Amy says
You are welcome! 🙂
Deeann says
I can’t find the checklist and I really want to see this. We have this problem with older son. No matter how much we say how proud we are of him, he hears every admonishment to do something different as a personal attack.
I would really appreciate seeing this list. I love the rest of your blog and FB and pinterest page… internet- what an amzing thing it has become!
Thanks Deeann
Natalie says
I am also looking for the checklist.