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While I was guarding my heart…

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Pregnancy & Babies

While I was guarding my heart, I fell in love.

I fell in love with a little baby who hasn’t made me very sick, who is measuring a week behind my dates, and who might never make it to my arms.

I wanted to just keep this to myself.  I didn’t want to have to go back and un-tell people.  Yet, I feel as though I am harboring a big secret that ought to be covered in prayer rather than hidden.

I walked into the sono room, not expecting to see a heartbeat.  Yet, there it was.  However, as we left the room, I told the tech I didn’t really feel any better.

One question answered: Is baby alive?

Another question added:  Why is baby measuring small?

And then there is the subchorionic hematoma.  It’s become my norm, but this time, it worries me.

I want to beg God for terrible, awful, {comforting} morning sickness, but I’ve done that before and I said I would never do it again.  Miserably sick isn’t easy even if I think anything would be easier than the unknown.

I beg God to chase the questions from my mind with a Peace that passes all understanding.

No, I might not get to hold this little one this side of Heaven.  Yes, there might be heartache ahead.  But, I am loved.  And so is this tiny little blessing.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  5. Melody says

    Praying for you, Amy. I know that fear and it’s not fun. Praying for you and your newest little blessing – and a big congratulations on this little one too!

    Reply

  6. Caroline @ The Modest Mom says

    I’m glad you shared so you can receive prayers Amy. My children have been praying most diligently for you-I told them you were having a little baby like mama and needed prayers. We’ve all been lifting you up in prayer. Being pregnant is a huge test of faith-I’ve almost been scared to rejoice in how well I’m feeling in my third trimester because I feel like as soon as I say that something might go wrong. The first trimester of this pregnancy was like torture, I’ve done had a pregnancy so difficult-but I’ve been very blessed as I’m nearing the end. We will all continue to pray for you Amy that you will have peace. ((hugs))

    Reply

  9. Tracy @ Hall of Fame Moms says

    Maybe the due date is off or you just won’t be as sick this time or maybe baby will have special needs but make it too your arms!

    I will praying for a healthy baby, safe delivery and God’s perfect plan fulfilled, whatever that may be!

    Love,
    Tracy

    Reply

  11. Jana Brown says

    What a blessing that God is creating in your body! I am standing beside you and lifting this little one up in prayer, and rejoicing that His hands are all over this.

    Lord, I lift up Amy and her unborn child, knowing that only You can create such a miracle that is life. You are the only one that knows the path this life will take, and I pray for strength, comfort, peace and joy that only You can give. Thank You, Father, for loving Amy and her growing family, and for making Your presence undeniable in their lives and homes right this instant. In Your Son’s name I pray, Amen.

    Reply

  12. Laura says

    I know of the path that you are walking! You and baby blessing will remain in my prayers and be lifted to Lord throughout the day. May His peace and strength be with you, whatever His will may be.

    In Christ,
    Laura

    Reply

  13. Gae says

    Dear Amy,
    I always measure small for dates and at least my last 4 (out of 13)pregnancies I was barely sick at all.
    I know it is hard to want to welcome a blessing that may not be.
    Prayers for you and your family
    Stay strong in faith
    Blessings
    Gae

    Reply

  14. Jess says

    Having been where you are, I understand perfectly everything you wrote. Bless you for your honesty and courage to write such a personal post. Praying for comfort and peace for you, but also that you may hold this blessing in your arms as well as your heart.
    Blessings,
    Jess

    Reply

  16. Lyndsay says

    Dear Amy,
    Congratulations! No matter how long our babies are with us they are always a reason for celebration! I understand your worry and you have my prayers for you and your little one everyday.
    God has plans for you and this little one. He always does.
    ((hugs)) I hope you get answers soon. Take care of yourself. lol I understand not wanting to ask for morning sickness. (will ever do it again) So I will pray that you get some sort of sign that baby is doing well.
    Love and Prayers!

    Reply

  17. Melissa Scott says

    Oh Holy Father, thank you for creating this precious blessing and allowing our dear friend in Christ to carry him! Please bless this sweet Mother’s heart with peace, comfort, stillness, and Your strength. We ask You, dear Father, please have Your perfect will in this little one’s life and in the life of his family. it is our desire that this dear Momma will carry her baby to term, hold her baby in her arms and raise him or her up in the fear and admonition of You! O Lord, please, let it be so. Nevertheless, I know this dear Mother trusts You fully and has laid her heart and life in Your loving care. Thank You for hearing our prayers. Thank You for all You have done and are going to do in the life of this precious family! In Jesus’ name, we bring all these things to You, Amen.

    Reply

  18. Muffy says

    Praying for you.I understand this fear first hand. Praying that Jesus will wrap you up in that peace and comfort you.
    God Bless

    Reply

  21. Molly` says

    AMEN! I too am praying for God’s perfect peace, and that you keep your mind and heart stayed on His love and promise. He is faithful..in the good times and bad.

    A new soul is here!!! Celebrate!!

    Reply

  22. Janis says

    Amy, I will keep you in my prayers. We had our last two babies about a month apart and I am now 11 weeks along again and it would be fun to follow along with your pregnancy again so thank you for sharing. I have had 4 m/c and my thoughts have always been this, a life, no matter how short, it always reason to celebrate:) Take care and CONGRATULATIONS on your precious baby. BTW, how far along are you? I am measuring 4 days behind this time which is odd for me, but I am 11 and 2 with a heartbeat still so hold onto hope.

    Janis

    Reply

  23. Joanna says

    I am sorry to be confused at this, but why do you not think you will get to keep this baby? Why can’t the baby measure a week small? Your cycle could just have been late that month. And being sick doesn’t happen every time (only 2/3rds of women experience it) and sometimes doesn’t start until later in pregnancy. I just started reading your blog so maybe you have a history of similar things happening?

    I am 20 weeks pregnant and at week 13 had a severe bleed also called a subchorionic hematoma as you stated you have. The clot is even still there but the doctor sees no problems with it as it happens to many, many women who deliver perfectly healthy babies on time.

    EVEN though I don’t understand why you are so worried (as I worry every time I have gotten pregnant) – I WILL be praying for you. I will be praying that the baby “holds on” and that you will find peace.

    Reply

  24. Hillary says

    Praying for you! Amy, you are my hero! I have just suffered my first m/c. With 6 children already, it is hard not to tell early–the children know by how Mama is acting/feeling and they share their excitement. It was most difficult at church this past week as some were just finding out I was expecting when I was having to un-tell. Feeling rather conflicted about the whole thing. Will I try to keep it secret a bit longer should we be blessed again? Or will I shout it from the rooftops because I will be so thrilled? Will I always have this feeling of someone missing? Most of the time it is easy to rest in the Lord–He has a plan and who am I to question it. Other days I’ll be hit with tears suddenly and my mind starts to go down the path of “what if”.

    I agree with Janis–no matter how short the life, it is always a reason to celebrate. Rejoicing with you in this blessing and praying for healthy pregnancy with a crying baby in your arms at the proper time.

    Reply

  25. CW says

    I am praying, too. I know how it feels to lose a little one I loved so much and to have a pregnancy get scary and still have a healthy baby.

    Reply

  26. Honey says

    Congratulations on your blessing! I am praying for you. My last daughter was always small, and didn’t have a heart beat until a week after she should have. I was an infertility patient so they knew her dates were not wrong. Today she is 21. I will pray for you all, and remember Rom. 4:17. Speak things that aren’t as thought they are. Only speak positively about this, make others do the same, and thank God in advance for His blessings! I wish it were me!

    Reply

  27. Karla says

    I understand your fears! I’ve had two high-risk pregnancies with rH disease, and with my first – although we discovered she was perfectly healthy – I was told I had IUGR since she was so small. She was only a week early and weighed just over 5lbs. My second is almost two and we are praying about having another but we have to weigh the risks with my condition. Lifting up prayers for you!

    Reply

  32. Trooppetrie says

    praying for this blessing, the doctors told me for 2 weeks that my first daughter was not viable, my hormone levels were not rising like they should and she was measuring behind. it was weeks of wondering. she is healthy happy 11 year old now. she had a 2 vessel cord and always measured behind.

    Reply

  33. Jenni says

    Amy, Thank you for sharing your situation with us! Know that I will be praying for you and your family <3

    I shared this quote with my prayer group yesterday, and after reading your post I thought it might be an encouragement to you as well.
    It's from John Owen's book "Communion With God" ~ "A believer may be in the saddest and darkest condition imaginable. Even so, the Holy Spirit is able to break through all this and bring to mind the promises of Christ. By this work, the Holy Spirit enables Christians to sit in dungeons, rejoice in flames and glory in troubles. If he brings to mind the promises of the Christ for our comfort, neither Satan nor man, neither sin nor the world, nor even death itself shall take away our comfort. Saints who have communion with the Holy Spirit know this only too well. Sometimes the heavens are black over them, and the earth trembles under them. Disasters and distresses appear which are so full of horror and darkness that they are tempted to give up in despair. So how greatly are their spirits revived when the Holy Spirit brings the words of Christ to their minds for their comfort and joy. Thus, believers are not dependent on outward circumstances for their happiness, for they have the inward and powerfully effective work of the Holy Spirit, to whom they give themselves up by faith" (p. 179).

    Reply

  37. Bren- says

    Oh Amy…how well I remember these worries. I will pray, often, for you! I am one of those women who was desperately and violently ill with each one of my (successful) pregnancies. So, I can understand your concerns and know how to pray for your heart. I will add…our precious Tatum measured behind date, initially…and though I was extremely nauseous, I did not vomit…in fact, each aspect of my pregnancy was “different”. Quite varied from both my babies born to the Lord’s arms and my babies born to my arms. And you know that God blessed us with a beautiful miracle…perfectly created…created with Partial Trisomy 18, a large encephalocele, heart, kidney, and other issues, severe cerebellar hypoplasia…and more. We never know what the Lord has for us. I will lovingly keep you all in prayer!

    Reply

  39. Kathy Carpenter says

    Praying for you! I lost my first baby after 10 years of trying and, when I found out I was expecting my second, my husband and I debated on weather to say anything to anyone or not. I prayed about it and told my husband that I felt it was not fair to this child to keep God’s blessings to ourselves and to live in worry over what we could not control. I was going to enjoy EVERY day of this pregnancy! If it ended tomorrow, God would help me walk through that when I needed to, but I wanted to enjoy every day of the NEW blessing that I had. I now have two blessings here and one waiting in heaven. Praying for you during this time…enjoy the time God gives you with this child…every day is a blessing from HIM!

    Reply

    • Amy says

      This is very much what I was thinking as well. However, I am having a very difficult time actually “enjoying” this pregnancy. Thank you for your words.

      Reply

  43. StacyA says

    OH my sweet friend, btdt, so know all those feelings you expressed. I will pray for you and yours and this sweet little peanut inside. <3 Blessings, Stacy

    Reply

  45. Kathy says

    Oh Amy! I am so excited that your baby has a heartbeat..yet my heart is breaking and I totally get why you wish you were sick. I do too. I really really wish you were sick 😉 I wish I had the right words to say. I wish I knew what God’s Master plan for this all was….I am praying.

    Reply

    • Amy says

      After my miscarriages years ago, I wished I was sick with my next pregnancies and it was absolutely awful…awful, but comforting. *sigh*

      Reply

  49. Jenny says

    Oh dear friend! I know exactly where you are in your emotions and heart. I was where you are several years ago. May our great God comfort and sustain you as you wait on him. The unknown is so hard, and yet it is in those times we lean on him with more intensity. I will be praying for you in the days ahead. The Lord has a very special plan for this little one, whether here or with him. He is holding this arrow gently in his hand and will perform his perfect work concerning him or her. Sending love your way today…and yes! thank you for sharing so others can be praying.

    Reply

  51. Amy says

    I wish I could respond to everyone, but I do want to thank all of you. You don’t know how many times I have set this to publish and then pulled it because I just couldn’t do it. Even last night after I had set it, I wanted to pull it because I just didn’t know if I could put myself out there like that. But the Lord knows I need peace and the prayers of other believers right now just to keep patiently waiting on Him.

    We go again on Tuesday to check on baby. Oh, how I would love to be wrong, but I know no matter the outcome, God is faithful.

    Again, thank you all!

    Reply

    • Shannon Wallace says

      Amy, I am so glad that you “put yourself out there” because right now you need prayer from all of your sisters-in-Christ. Sweetie, I have done the same things with my blog, written about my grief, and then have that post just sitting in a saved mode because I don’t want to put myself out there. But as Christians, we need to have the prayers and love and support of others. I am so glad you chose to share! I am praying, weaping, and thinking about you. God bless your heart! Prayers for peace, miracles, and love…Shannon

      Reply

  52. Kimberly says

    Oh, Amy! Praying for you, and your little one. God bless you, and keep you. I am glad you shared this, but so sorry you have this worry looming. I hope you can rest, and not fret…too much anyways. (((HUGS))) And congratulations!!!

    Reply

  56. Dawn Gilcrest says

    I will pray for you and your family. I pray for you to have peace in your spirit that comes from above. May Heaven pour out it’s blessings on you!!

    Reply

  57. Sarah L says

    I am so sorry to hear of this struggle. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be. Thinking of and praying for you and your baby and family!

    Reply

  58. Morgan says

    🙁 HUGS! HUGS! HUGS!! We know God has a reason for everything, but sometimes it’s just so hard! My mother and I will be praying for you. *another hug*
    John 14:27 “Peace I leave with you, My peace I give unto you; not as the world giveth, give I unto you, let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

    Lots of Love and hugs in Christ,
    Morgan

    Reply

  60. Ashley says

    I’ll be praying for you my sister in Christ!

    Anything is possible!
    But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible. Matthew 19:26

    And if God has other plans for your little one. I share this scripture with you!

    And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. Revelation 21:4

    Reply

  61. kelly @ In Everything says

    Amy, I will be in prayer for you daily!!

    I have been there… guarding my heart and keeping our little one a secret… until my heart was SOO broken when we lost our tiniest one.

    Thank you for giving us the privilege of praying for you during this tender time!

    Reply

  62. Hannah says

    I already commented on your Facebook link, but I just wanted to share something someone told me when I was facing the unknown with this pregnancy. God gave you this baby, And if you try not to love it, will it make the pain of losing any better? No. It was hard for me to do, but I purposed to enjoy every day of the pregnancy and love my baby and thank God for just one more day with him/her. It really helped give me peace, instead of the turmoil of fear and worry I had after they told me it was a failing pregnancy. I am copying a post I made on my miscarriage support boards…I hope it helps and I am praying you will have the same miraculous outcome!:)
    Well, it all comes down to the u/s tomorrow. The last week has been a struggle between having faith that all will be OK and the reality that it very well may not. One thing I know for sure, in the last few weeks that I have known I was pregnant, I have fallen in love with this little soul, and there’s not much I can do to guard my heart from the pain if it doesn’t work out. SO for now I will hope, and pray and wait. I heard this song on the radio last night and it kinda hit home…I had been trying to hold back on loving this baby because I didn’t want to get hurt, but I found that is not possible.
    Here are the lyrics to the song my Matt Hammitt:

    Afraid to love something that could break
    Could I move on if you were torn away?
    I’m so close to what I can’t control
    Can’t give you half my heart and pray He makes you whole

    You’re gonna have all of me
    You’re gonna have all of me
    You’re worth every falling tear
    You’re worth facing any fear

    You’re gonna know all my love
    Even if it’s not enough
    Enough to mend our broken hearts
    But giving you all of me is where I’ll start

    I won’t let sadness steal you from my arms
    I won’t let pain keep you from my heart
    I’ll trade the fear of all that I could lose
    For every moment I’ll share with you

    You’re gonna have all of me
    You’re gonna have all of me
    You’re worth every falling tear
    You’re worth facing any fear

    You’re gonna know all my love
    Even if it’s not enough
    Enough to mend our broken hearts
    But giving you all of me is where I’ll start

    Heaven brought you to this moment
    It’s too wonderful to speak
    You’re worth all of me
    You’re worth all of me

    Let me recklessly love you
    Even if I bleed
    You’re worth all of me
    You’re worth all of me

    Reply

  64. Sara says

    I am so sorry. I feel your pain and ache for you. I had a second trimester miscarriage last week, and regardless of whether it’s the 5th week of life or the 16th it is heartbreaking to loose one of your little ones. Praying for you.

    Reply

  66. Heather Anderson says

    Oh, Amy, I can so relate. Though I have seven wonderful children here with me, I also have seven that never made it into my arms. There are some in my life who ask why we keep having children when we have also had so many miscarriages. It is sometimes difficult to ask for prayer when some have that posture. I will be praying for you, and for the grace for what ever God brings to you. Thank you for being so vulnerable.

    Blessings!

    Reply

  67. Julia says

    My son will be turning 4 in eight days. And I know how lucky we both are for that. During my pregnancy, he was way behind in size and at times they had problems finding a heart beat. I never felt any movements from him, and never got morning sickness or any or signs to tell me he was okay. It was nerve-wrecking. They started monitoring him with weekly ultrasounds, and when he started drastically losing weight, they did an emergency c-section. He was born 12 weeks premature, at 3 lbs, 3 oz, and spent the first month of his life in NICU. He was actually very healthy, aside from malnourishment. It turns out the umbilical cord was deteriorating and they still don’t know why. And they don’t know if that has anything to do with his severe developmental delays now or not. But to me it doesn’t matter. You see, the dr’s explained that by the time the pulled him, he had less than 24 hours left before it would have been too late… I guess my main reason for sharing is that even when things look and feel like there’s not a good chance at working out, there is still always hope, especially when it comes to the power of love.

    Reply

  70. leah bush says

    Praying for you, the baby and your family Amy. Your blog and openness has been such a blessing to so many people. Now I hope we can all come together to pray for your family and this little one.
    And Congratulations 🙂

    Reply

  71. Missy says

    I know just how hard it is to NOT worry and have fears. I myself had 2 miscarriages and a 41 week stillbirth. Those first few weeks are the hardest to not worry. But just to give you a little piece of mind, once you see a heartbeat the chances of only seeing baby in heaven drop dramatically. I NEVER got sick with any of my babies…ok I take that back I did with the one I have now but I was 25+ weeks by that time. Also Monkey was measuring small as well…about a week behind sometimes you just find out sooner then you would think possible..Turns out he wasnt a week behind I just found out super super early (like a week early) that I was pregnant.

    Praying that your baby just let you know earlier then normal that he/she is there and everything is going along just as God planned it 😉

    Reply

  72. Kate says

    Amy,
    Hopefully you will be able to hold this baby! Our 1st 3 pregnancies we didn’t get to hold them in our arms only in our hearts. I believe that these choice spirits are so perfect and didn’t need to go through the trials we have to to return to our Heavenly Father. They recieved the body they needed and I will get to see them on the other side. Also if I hadn’t MC then I wouldn’t have my 11 year old I have now. Prayers for you and your family

    Reply

  73. Alice says

    So very glad you shared, Amy. There’s a picture of someone who deserves to be celebrated! Precious little treasure! I am praying you’ll get to meet him/her this side of heaven!

    Reply

  74. Christie says

    I am praying that the Lord will bring you to a place where you experience HIS peace that passes understanding.

    I have only one child, and she is our miracle. I, too, had an ultrasound that did not show a baby. In fact, she was five weeks smaller than she should have been. Ten days later, she and her little heartbeat were right there. The doctor said I must have had the dates wrong. However…she was born five weeks premature but two days before our original due date. The Lord in his wisdom knew I would never be able to have another child and worked a miracle — breathed life — into this baby. I pray He will do the same for yours.

    Reply

  75. Jillian says

    Amy, so glad you shared this news. We will lift you and baby up in prayers. As well as your husband and children. I’ll pass this along to my prayer partner also. My prayer will be that the Lord would put a hedge of protection around this precious little lamb and give you peace of mind in the days ahead. Sending hugs your way. : )

    Blessings,
    Jill

    Reply

  76. Stacey says

    Amy,
    Praying for you, from a mother who has walked a similar path. The responses I have read have even been an encouragement to my heart, way they comfort yours too.

    Reply

  77. Deidre says

    So is it possible that you ovulated much later in your cycle than you thought? I experienced this I was wondering why I wasn’t sick..didn’t have symptoms..So I had an ultrasound it showed a very small baby only a fetal pole not heartbeat seen. Finally the next one shows a heartbeat. Turns out I got pregnant the week I was expecting my period to come. I actually delivered a full month past what would have been my due date if it had been based on the LMP. Hang in there…

    Reply

    • Amy says

      Yes, by itself, the measuring a week late doesn’t concern me. I’m still breastfeeding and that has happened to me before. However, coupled with not being sick and actually at this point, I’ve lost all pregnancy symptoms, I am not feeling very hopeful. But, I am hanging in there and clinging to His peace.

      Reply

      • Lauren says

        I am normally a lurker, but just letting you know my prayers are with you also.

        As for the breastfeeding- forgive me for my ignorance, but do you have previous experiences of breastfeeding while pregnant? My (only 3 pregnancies) experience of nursing while pregnant is that the more feeds the older child has, the less pregnancy symptoms and nausea I have. This time my son was feeding quite often and I didn’t have any pregnancy symptoms till 17 weeks.

        Reply

        • Amy says

          Lauren,
          Yes, I’ve nursed through most of my pregnancies and yes, the morning sickness has been better w/ those pregnancies; however, it has never been non-existent. 🙁 Thank you so much for praying.

          Reply

  78. Stacie says

    Dear Amy,

    I will lift you, your precious baby, and your family up in prayer. God is able and He knows what is best. I know some of what you are feeling and thinking, as I lost a sweet baby back in April of 2010. I don’t know why, but what I do know is that my sweet child was loved and now he or she is resting in the arms of a loving God. God carried me through that difficult time. God is faitful to us, Amy, and He is there for us no matter what. Take care and just keep praying, praying, praying.

    Love,
    Stacie

    Reply

  79. Nara says

    I am so sorry that you have the worries with this little one. We are in the same place you are, but I do have miserable, all day morning sickness and it is still no guarantee. These precious little ones were in God’s hands before we even knew they existed. Trust the great Creator. He can provide you the wisdom to know what to/not to do, His peace as you wait, and protection for both you and your littlest one. Trust Him alone and tell the enemy and his negativity to go take a hike! I’ll be praying for you. I know you don’t know me, but if you think of it pray for me and my littlest one, too. We are praying and hoping it works out here as it does for you.

    God bless!

    Nara

    Reply

  81. Chelsey says

    Amy … tears. You. Have. My. Heart.

    I understand about the morning sickness, but even the morning sickness doesn’t guarantee anything – this I know. To well.

    Maybe this is HIS grace to you, to enjoy the life without the sickness?

    I know… only HE knows.

    You, my sweet friend, will be in my prayers and in our families prayers each and every night.

    Love you my friend.

    Reply

  82. Hannah says

    I just lost my baby so my heart goes out to you! And yes, I was GLAD, glad, GLAD we had told ppl and they were praying! My baby died but my friends supported me through it all and THAT is a blessing! Prayers for you and your baby! 🙂

    Reply

  83. MamaNellie says

    Praying for God’s Will for your precious child. Praying you love and cherish each moment God allows you to grow this little one, whether that is for a few more weeks or full healthy 40-ish weeks. He knows our thoughts, our inner-most desires and will NOT give us more than (he knows) we can handle.

    So many times we women have little blessings that are called to Jesus before we have an opportunity to hold them outside our bodies. We silently mourn, with no support. Thank you for the courage to open your life and share this with us so we may pray for you, and also so that we may follow your example.

    May the prayers of all of us “anonymous” names and unmet faces help to bring you comfort in this time of uncertainty. God bless you!!!

    Reply

  84. Chick Hatchers says

    Amy,

    I’ve known healthy babies who measured a week or more smaller, were born through the difficulty of subchorionic hematoma, and one recently who was small because she was missing one of the main umbilical arteries.

    I am praying for peace and hope for you and your family and for strength to grow for your baby. God already knows this baby and the plans He has for this tiny life, no matter how long or short it may be. {{{HUGS}}}

    Reply

  85. April says

    Amy I am praying for you. I lost a little one last summer, and I didn’t tell anyone about it until I lost it. If I ever do it again, I will tell people right away, because I’ve learned that somehow there is a comfort in other people knowing and praying. God bless you!

    Reply

  86. Janelle says

    I didn’t get to have babies till I was much older and everyone advised me not to tell till after the 1st trimester. I decided the same as you. I needed prayer and support not the burden of a secret alone. It was the right decision. I was blessed with 2 here and 1 in heaven. All three of my children are so dearly loved and I know I am too. Praying for you and your babies. Love and hugs.

    Reply

  87. abba12 says

    You are in my prayers. I suffered a miscarriage recently, and knew within myself I was losing the baby. It’s a dificult place to be. I didn’t have a christian family or christian friends to tell though.

    There is hope, God can do many things, and babies don’t always measure to dates. Morning sickness can be miraculously healed. Don’t lose hope.

    Reply

  88. Deedee says

    Oh Amy! What wonderful news!! CONGRATULATIONS!!! I also remember those feelings, oh soooo well. Sending lots of (((HUGS))) and lifting you both in prayer. Just keep remembering that you are both in the Father’s hands.

    Reply

  91. Jenny says

    Oh, I know this feeling. Know it too well. My heart is heavy for you, but that heaviness will remind me to pray for you and your sweet babe. I will pray hard that this little one in you will grow strong and surprise you by its strength. I will pray you will hold and nurse this little one next year. Thank you for sharing your heart and entrusting us to pray.

    Reply

  92. Rebecca says

    Amy, I had to choke back the tears when I read this today because I am exactly where you are. We’re 9 weeks pregnant, further than I thought we would be because I’ve barely been sick and baby was measuring a week behind my dates from my first ultrasound at 5 weeks. Yet, miraculously, for the last 5 weeks at my weekly appointments we’ve seen a heartbeat and a week worth of growth. After losing 5 pregnancies in the last 2 years, this is the furthest we’ve ever made it since my 3 year old son was born. I couldn’t stop crying on the way home this week because I thought I might actually get to hold this one in my arms. Still, I can’t help but feel uneasy. I’m trusting in God and know that he will give me strength for whatever the future holds. Praying for you and your family and the coming weeks. Thanks for sharing such a difficult story, I hope that you’ll find strength from the prayers being said for you.

    Reply

    • Amy says

      {{Rebecca}} I am also dealing with the “uneasy” thoughts of even if I do see a growing baby on Tuesday, will I be able to rest? I am begging God for peace if that situation presents itself too. Praying for peace for you as well.

      Reply

  97. alicia says

    Amy, how I stand with you believing for the BEST for your wee one. This treasure, that Father spoke into life. Surely He knows what He has created in you. Surely His hands are carrying this life. Surely He knows & hears your mother pleadings & has all of it…as my children say, “Sing it! He’s got the whole world in His hands!” Surely, we can all say, He’s got your wee little one (& you!) In His hands!

    Reply

  98. mamaof4prayingformore says

    I can totally feel your pain…I have had 6 miscarriages and 3 in the last year…and it is so heartbreaking…I have been down on my knees begging for God not to take their lives but He chooses to…and all I know is He has a plan for my life and I have to just put my trust in that. I pray for you and this baby…God knows and chose this baby for your womb…I pray that you will hold this life here on earth. God Bless.

    Reply

  99. Jessica says

    I went through the exact same thing with our first. Always measuring behind (at one point, even almost 3 weeks! EEK!) and I also had a subchorionic hematoma.I know exactly how you feel. We almost lost our little guy twice, once landed us in the ER. He’s now a healthy and happy almost 2 year old(haven’t been blessed with any more children yet). It’s so scary and nerve-wrecking, but I promise that God will get you through this. I’ll be praying for you and your little baby!

    Reply

  104. Jessica says

    You never know Gods plan!
    My 6th pregnancy we thought miscarried at 2 months.I had a huge clot about the size of a grapefruit! I hardly had any morning sickness for those 2 months either and I am normally sick as a dog for months. Dr said it sounded like a text book miscarriage so he didn’t do an exam.
    A few months later I had a positive pregnancy test and went to the dr where they did an ultrasound. Much to the Dr and our surprise there was our 20wk baby boy Kanon! I continued to have a good pregnancy and healthy 9month old Kanon is playing with blocks on the floor as I type this.
    The dr said it must have been a subchorionic hematoma that broke free and was a miracle he survived.
    We will definitely be praying for you!

    Reply

  105. Dawn Pickering says

    Dearest Amy, I am lifting you and your little gift up daily! I pray that if it is the Lord’s will you will hold this little one in your arms and that He will comfort you and give you peace if He wants to be the first one to hold. Blessings and a very tight hug!!

    Reply

  107. Jenn says

    Thanks for being brave enough to share. I will be praying with you and praying for you. May you know His peace moment by moment as He grows His precious blessing within you.

    Reply

  109. Autumn says

    Oh, Amy, thank you for sharing your heart. I try to keep things to myself also, but then to know that you are being covered in prayer by so many people who care for you…what a peace that can give. We’ll be praying for you, your family, & your tiny blessing & asking for God’s peace on your heart, no matter what His plans may be.

    Reply

  111. Rachel says

    My prayers are with you and your littlest one. My second pregnancy measured two weeks behind my dates. He’s almost three years old now, and he weighed in over 10.5 pounds when he was born.

    Reply

  112. Valerie says

    I am so glad you decided to let us carry your precious burden with you. Let us pray for you, encourage you, lift you up, and grieve with you, should that ever come. What is the church for, if not to comfort His people?
    Praying.

    Reply

  114. Corine says

    I pray that you will be blessed with the faith to go on living and leave it in the lords capable mind and hands… and that you will find peace with whatever may be. I also pray for your little one and you, and your family to all feel wrapped in His love and care…
    Corine

    Reply

  115. Lisa Maria says

    Amy thank you for sharing what you are going through. So many people now have the opportunity to pray for you and your family.

    None of us knows God’s purpose but we know that He does have a purpose for everything and we know that we can place all our hope and trust in His faithful love.

    I want to encourage you Amy to put your faith in Him…medical technology always trumped my dates and fetal measurements gave my children alternative due dates that could have been dangerous considering the fact that all my girls were born by elective c-sections. The last in particular… I just knew something was different and when I went in to the doctor she took the baby that same day (which was my original due date) and not 2 weeks later that she had scheduled the surgery for. As Jessica shared above.. God works miracles everyday.. I guess to show all of us, doctors included, that HE is God!!

    I pray that you will continue to be blessed with courage and that your trust in Him will be so complete that peace will flood your being.

    May God be with you and His angels surround you and your precious little one.

    God bless!

    Reply

  117. Bronwen Toms says

    May our Father hold you and your new blessing close and may you find His peace. I will pray that this little one grows strong and that this baby be held safely in your womb.
    Many blessings and God’s love surround you!
    Fellow sister in Christ,
    Bronwen Toms

    Reply

  119. Lisa Suit says

    Amy I am praying for you and this precious baby! I don’t have the words that I would like to say to comfort you, but Jesus knows just what I would want to say and He knows just what to do to comfort you!!!

    Reply

  123. Elysia says

    I had a similar experience 4 years ago. I was spotting and went in for an u/s. My baby was measuring small but had a heart beat. The OB-GYN recommended a D&C, but I refused because my little baby had a heart beat. I lost my baby a few days later, but God gave me such peace through it all. It was for His glory and He had a purpose for it happenening, even if I still don’t know what that is. <3 You will be in my thoughts and prayers. God bless you!

    Reply

  125. Josi says

    Wow! Amazing to read through some of the comments. I just have to say how thankful I am for God’s Family! Sure, we’re all spread out over the map but it’s incredible how connected we can be because of Jesus. Thank you Lord for the comfort we have received that we may in turn comfort others. It’s okay for it to be your turn for all of us to give comfort and encouragement back to you. You have given comfort and encouragement to us so many times through your blog (you just don’t know all those times!). We are the Army of the Lord and there is power in all these prayers that are being prayed for this baby. Just keep speaking the promises of God over your baby, declaring God’s Word. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Phil. 4:6-7
    I like what my study Bible says, “A military concept depicting a sentry standing guard. God’s protective custody of those who are in Christ Jesus extends to the core of their being.” “I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.” Psalm 34:4 “Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.” He LOVES you! Let me say it again, your Father LOVES you! 🙂

    Reply

  126. Wendy Gunn says

    Oh, Amy, just got back into town and saw your post. I’m so glad you shared this, so you can be lifted up in prayer. I trust that you are already feeling the effect of all those prayers by all these wonderful sisters who have shared comments.

    I am praying for you and your family, praying that God’s peace and presence (that sense that you could reach out and touch Him–He’s so near) will wrap around you, assuring your heart that with Him, you can face anything, as long as He is there, and filling you with joy (for in His presence is fullness of joy), even in the midst of your questions, pain and fear.

    Deuteronomy 31:6: “Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.”

    Psalm 34:4-8: “I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.

    They looked unto him, and were lightened: and their faces were not ashamed.

    This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him, and saved him out of all his troubles.

    The angel of the LORD encampeth round about them that fear him, and delivereth them.

    O taste and see that the LORD is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him.”

    All my love, {warm embrace}
    Wendy

    Reply

  127. Erica says

    Your precious baby is so loved, such a blessing, and is a precious gift, no matter how long you have the opportunity to be his or her mother on this earth. This baby matters! Thank you for letting us pray with you. Psalm 31:14-15 – “But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, ‘You are my God.’ My times are in your hand.”
    Praying,
    Erica

    Reply

  128. vicki says

    Go u Amy. The greatest quote from this weekend was “every child deserves to be celebrated” (michelle duggar) right on to hold out hope and choose to love. I’m still praying for u.

    Reply

  129. Nikki @ Simplystriving says

    Oh, Amy. I know that unsettled feeling all too well.
    Be Still and Know…..What an experience–to practice waiting on the Lord.

    Will be praying for you and baby and will trust that all things work together for good to those that love…
    To God be the glory!

    Reply

  131. Sarah says

    Oh Amy! I have been so blessed by your blog, and am hurting for you as I read your post today. Your story of the loss of your precious daughter helped me when I was in so much pain and sorrow. I had two losses back to back in November 2009 and March 2010. I know how much you must be hurting and how awful it is to face a truth that no one wants to ever face. But may I encourage you as you are lifted up in prayers by myself and many others. May you rest in God’s sovereign will and perfect goodness and righteousness, knowing that in His wisdom all happens by His eternal will. My own tale is one of God making beauty of ashes and I know that He will provide for you in all love and perfect grace, as well. We got pregnant again in June 2010 and were told we were miscarrying yet again, only to have a son who defied the doctors and all logic and is now a perfectly healthy and vibrant 8 month old by the grace and mercy of God alone. There is an odd blessing in knowing that my two babies are in heaven, stand redeemed before our Savior, and will never know sin, and I will never spend one moment anxious for their safety or salvation. I will see them and my God for the first time together. I shared my own story of loss on my blog and know that God is glorified when we praise Him amidst sorrow. May God be glorified by your sharing and know, again, that you both are in our prayers and are better yet in the Savior’s care!

    Reply

  132. Teresa says

    Please take the time to read about DNC procedures. Even if the baby has no heart beat it is not always a good procedure to have. We chose to carry our child with no heart beat for 88 days. Forty days past the date a DNC was recommended. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I don’t regret it one bit. I know for sure the Drs. were not wrong, but for your health a DNC is not as safe as you might think. It is so much like a abortion, which has so many risks as well.
    I think all women pregnant should know before they are pressured for a DNC if something goes wrong. I did not know what I do now, but my Dr was patient and let me have time to decide and research before we did anything. Not all Drs. will do this, most will pressure a DNC.

    They have found a natural miscarriage is actually safer and healthier for a mother and has less affects on getting pregnant again. Hormonal changes are so great on a DNC, the body is pregnant one minute and not the next. It takes the body so long to figure this out. Where do these hormones go? They get absorbed in tissue and can cause problems later. With a natural miscarriage the body realizes itself to stop making the hormones and thus no extra are produced to be absorbed in tissues.
    Still even with a natural miscarriage it is a much more emotional roller coaster. I know this all to well, you don’t know the day or time it will start. Most will be within a week of the recommended DNC, but some can go to the three month mark. I woke up everyday wondering if that would be the day. Emotionally it was very hard, but physically it was so worth it. Also it did not violate my religious beliefs. I knew God would take him home when he was ready and that made it bearable for me.

    Reply

  134. Rightthinker says

    Praying for you and your blessed little one.

    Well, the D&C was the best procedure for me to have, as not everything is cut and dry and can be done easily and naturally. I am a natural and homebirthing mother, yet a D&C was the best choice for me, when we discovered a missed miscarriage @ 14 weeks. Since the baby had stopped growing around 12 weeks and placenta had continued to grow, I had a tremendous amount of tissue to pass. I waited over a week, and began cramping and bleeding extremely heavily.

    A D&C protected my womb for future fertility, and wasn’t something this natural birthing mom of many entered into lightly.

    Scaring intelligent and well-researched mothers with “what if’s” about D&C’s accomplishes nothing. I know of no intelligent mother who is ignorant to the risks/benefits of miscarrying naturally vs D&C, and frankly, hemorrhage from miscarriage is a real risk of natural miscarriage.

    Women need comfort, and prayer and they need to be supported in their choices.

    Now, after a few months of healing, Praise God I am expecting again, with an apparently healthy baby. I’m nearing 9 weeks, and baby looks good on an ultrasound, thus far.

    There is hope after miscarriage: http://andreamomm.blogspot.com/2011/10/baby-dies-time-for-hope-and-fear.html

    Reply

    • Teresa says

      I in no way want to imply that a DNC is not sometimes needed. I simply stated what I have found to be often true, women do not know there is another option than a DNC. Once heavy bleeding and cramping has stated, the hormone levels are already decreasing in the womens body and a DNC may be safer, but there are risks in both cases.
      And your point on hemorrhaging is true, but it happens with DNCs as well. Neither is 100% safe. And neither is right in every situation. Knowing the facts is not Scaring the intelligent and well-researched mothers, it is knowing the facts, so you can make a choice that works for you. Not knowing the facts is what will scare the mom.

      For me the risk of hemorrhaging was worth knowing I was following what God was asking and giving “ME” the strength to do. If you don’t have that clear calling from God then it is best to follow his will not what I was called to do. God will direct your path, but you must ask. If it is a DNC or natural I believe when asked God will give you piece to which you should chose.

      Please know Amy I am praying for piece for you and that God will comfort your heart. I am very excited you are expecting, just want to let people know that there are options that we all as women should think about.
      With 5 young ones myself, I know every preg. is different. I am no longer able to have more, long story, but not our choice. I would have a dozen, but God has set our limit. I am still learning to accept this, it is not easy. Again congratulations.

      Reply

  135. Kari says

    I will be keeping you in my prayers. When we miscarried back in May our motto became “Trust in the plan”. It gave us so much comfort to “Be Still and Know that I am God”. I know that you know how to do that already and I’m sure He will bring peace to your heart, no matter the outcome, just like He did with ours. God bless you during this time. And may His hands be wrapped around your precious one, whether it’s on this side of Heaven or the other!

    Reply

  136. Stephanie says

    Dear Amy,

    I just wanted to offer a few words of kindness and comfort. I had a very similar experience about 8 years ago, now. I was then only the mother of 2 but I, like you, knew even after the sonogram that it wasn’t right. I had lost my morning sickness and baby was measuring almost 2 weeks behind with a large hematoma. The sonogram was special to me and gave me a few special moments to “see” my baby. Eventually I did lose her so small and beautifully formed. It was my only m/c and it was painful and sad. I grieved for a long time. God has been good and has blessed me with 6 beautiful children and I have long healed from my loss … but today, I remembered. I also remembered how sad I was and at times, lonely. I wasn’t a blogger then and I felt so raw and in pain at times and wondered why others didn’t reach out more. I just wanted to say, while I know you have a lot of support and love, that I care and I understand. I will pray for you, today.

    Reply

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