I’ve found myself wanting to scrapbook more lately. This strikes me as odd considering that was what I was doing the night before Emily died and we are fast approaching February 10th.
I decided a while back to scrap all the way to when Emily got sick and quit there until I was ready. The little pink scrapbook will begin with her birth and end with her death.
I started working on the next scrapbook which begins after her death. It was much harder than I had imagined to begin that scrapbook. Probably because there are no pictures of Emily. About a week ago I forced myself to scrap the very first page in that book…The Irish Supper.
Tonight, I eased myself into scrapping in Emily’s book by doing a fairly benign page–Megan’s 7th birthday. We celebrated Megan’s birthday in the cafeteria of the hospital. There was a nice little room at the back of the cafeteria that resembled an Italian courtyard. It was lovely and private. Megan received many nice gifts from people who knew that we were still in the hospital without the ability to shop for her. Emily is not in the pictures as she was upstairs in pediatrics under the watchful eye of her nurse. We did our best to make Meg’s birthday happy and memorable.
I don’t know what this next week holds for us. Lately, the ache I was feeling has eased. In fact, there are days when Emily’s death seems so very distant. That bothers me. However, there are other moments when the flashbacks are so real and so painful, I feel as though it just happened. I can hardly comprehend that it was an entire year ago.
I also wonder about this little pink scrapbook. Will I ever actually finish it? Will I grieve when I do? I am a person who likes things completed; however, this is a project I’m not sure I want to end.
And as I order more pictures and move on to the red scrapbook, I cannot help but drag my feet. I am torn. I am the mother of a child who has died, yet I am the mother of children who live. I am caught between two worlds, between the past and the present. Once again, I find there is no Grief Manual to tell me what to do. I must figure it out as best I can. How often I pray, “Lord, help me take the next step wherever that may be.”
Q says
You will eventually finish the book, and it’s ok.When it feels distant, let it. Let the pain distance itself, let it dull and blur. Don’t fight to cling to it. Instead finish her scrapbook a bit at a time, and know that when you’re done, all the memories are right there, unfading, undistanced.Been there, wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but glad to be able to encourage others through.Hugs and Prayers to You
Lilyofthevalley - Tanya says
((((hugs))))Keeping you in prayer, especially this week.
Vanessa says
I know what you mean about not wanting to finish your scrapbook. I felt and still feel that way about both my son Matthew’s scrapbook (which is nowhere near finished), and the book I’ve been writing about my experience. He died last September, and towards the end of the year, I was able to write the ending for the book. I haven’t finished the middle yet, but I wrote the end. I didn’t think I would ever do it, as it wouldn’t be right to be “finished” with Matthew. As it happens, I have a long way to go with finishing my memory keep sakes, but it is such a dilema between moving on and holding on. My prayers are with you for Tuesday, that must be so hard.
Fruitful Harvest says
Hi there~Like Q said when the pain feels distant let it. The love you have for Emily is not measured in how long you greive. Many people feel guity for letting go and moving forward! She knows you love her~….its ok to move forward at your own pace. Scrapebook when you’re ready…like most things its not going anywhere! LOLI will be thinking and praying for you….as I always do!(((HUGS))))Georgiann