{Note from Amy: For reasons you will soon understand, this post has been submitted anonymously. May you be blessed in the reading.}
I have five beautiful children. I praise the Lord for each one, for the eternal gift they are, and the joy they bring me. I also praise Him for the bouts of two month long morning sickness that leave me weak, thin, and unable to really care for them. I have learned the secret of finding joy in trials. It is simple really; yet it took me 7 pregnancies to understand, and who knows how long it will take to walk perfectly in it.
The first pregnancy I endured was a lesson in how selfish and wicked I truly was; how far I would go to please myself. I was sick for only one or two weeks, unable to eat or drink, losing weight, getting weak, when I took myself to an abortion clinic and committed murder against my own flesh and blood. I knew immediately the sin I had committed, and grieved. I am thankful to my Lord and Savior, that He is able to forgive even the worst of sinners, such as myself.
Fast forward 4 years, I was saved and I was pregnant again. This time newly married. I fell ill immediately. We were barely home from the honeymoon before I was vomiting constantly, and grumpy and cranky as a wicked witch. My husband was non-plussed, young and unsure, he didn’t know how to help me and it frustrated him endlessly. There were many fights, and lots of selfishness (especially on my side). I wondered why on earth I was so sick when so many people got off “scott free” without a lick of morning sickness. My morning sickness laid me in bed from 8pm to noon the next day, and I lost something around 14 pounds. I was bitter with the Lord. I begged Him to remove the sickness from me. I didn’t ever understand His answer at the time. I could understand no other answer than to remove the cup.
With the next baby, two and a half years later, I wasn’t much better off. I was laid up sick again, this time with a toddler. This time I begged God to remove this cup from me, and I quoted scriptures at Him about health and healing. I was getting frustrated. Why would He allow me to be so sick? I was jealous of women whose pregnancies were “easy”, and bitter again with the God who said He loved me, but wouldn’t make me well. This time the sickness lasted until 16 weeks. I thought I was going to die, I worried that I would be ill the WHOLE pregnancy.
I repeated the same scenario just 9 months later when I was blessed to carry my third living child. I begged God to help me, and this time I heard distinctly “My grace is sufficient for you”. I knew He was not going to remove this cup from me. I still begged at every wretching, and grew bitter and demanding when I faced the inevitable vomiting. I couldn’t understand. I had been so long under teaching that said God wanted everyone to be healthy all the time, and that if I was sick it was my fault for not having faith, it was hard to think any other way.
I met some godly women online who pointed out that when we are sick but still choose to have children it brings God glory. The world sees only their own discomfort, but when they watch us grow very ill, and yet choose to bring forth more life, they stand in wonder. This gave me hope. It gave me a REASON for suffering. It helped me to understand that life, and my suffering isn’t all about ME. It wasn’t a punishment that I was ill. I began to look forward to the next pregnancy. I began to know that I could surrender to God’s sovereign will for my life. I considered it a good chance to show others how much God loves children, and that I valued them so much, I was willing to endure.
When I was blessed again however, I still had a very hard time surrendering to His will. I had to fight to not ask Him to remove the cup. It wasn’t a joyful time of illness, but it wasn’t as much torture as the previous ones had been. I wasn’t bitter with God anymore, and I asked Him to help me through it. I attempted to find joy despite the suffering. I tried to practice believing that His grace was sufficient for me, and that when I was weak then I was strong in Christ. It lessened the burden of the illness on me, and around this time my husband became more helpful which also lessened the burden. My first born child was old enough to keep the kitchen cleaned, and make a couple meals like oatmeal. I was still complaining bitterly of the suffering, and I didn’t know there was something better. I thought that the martyr attitude was a godly one, and the top of the revelation of God’s teaching on suffering. That suffering was glorious because we suffer.
When I last became pregnant (this go round, live baby number 6), I learned the most wonderful thing of all. That we can find joy IN suffering, not just despite it; that we can be thankful FOR suffering. I’ve been sick. I’ve been so sick I can’t get off of the sofa. I can’t stand to smell food cooking, and even though I know I need to eat it, I throw up instead and can’t. This is God’s BEST for me. It’s His will for me. It’s the cup and the cross He wants me to bear. But He promised that I don’t have to be discouraged. Though I am pressed on every side, I can be joyful. Though I suffer, I can enjoy that He is making me into the image of His most holy Son. I am pressed down, but I can smile. He has not left me, He has not forgotten to provide His grace for me. He is not just using me to reach a lost world through my suffering. No. His BEST for ME, is that I might be conformed into the image of Christ. That I might be like unto Him, and that I might share in the fellowship of His suffering, just as Paul and all the other saints have. He is blessing me with this suffering. It’s His MERCY on me. The mercy of salvation worked out in me.
I can say with Paul “Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.” (2 Cor 12:10) I can say with him “That I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death; If by any means I might attain unto the resurrection of the dead. Not as though I had already attained, either were already perfect: but I follow after, if that I may apprehend that for which also I am apprehended of Christ Jesus.” (Phil 3:10-12) That I might be able to apprehend that for which also I am apprehended of Christ Jesus. Create in me a pure heart O God, and renew a right spirit within me. He has revealed to me what it is to “count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations;” (James 1:2) I can take pleasure in illness, I can count it joy that I suffer, I can be thankful in all things, and when I am sick now, I make every attempt to praise the God who sought me, and bought me, and won’t let me go away unchanged. He is faithful to work in me the image of His Son, to continue pressing me when I am foolish and stubborn and want to remain a child. He is faithful to complete in me, the work which He began. I hope that I might be faithful to accept, and find joy in His workings.
Rachel says
To the anonymous authoress:
My heart goes out to you. I am one of those women who is “blessed” with easy pregnancies. But it’s a double-edged sword. I don’t have a lot of morning sickness, but I try to cherish what little I have. You see, I’ve been pregnant five times, but I only have two living children. I seem to have difficulty carrying pregnancies to term, and I don’t know why (from a medical perspective–from a religious perspective it’s simply His will). When I am pregnant, my minimal symptoms leave me in constant doubt. I obsess over whether I still “feel pregnant” throughout the day, every day, until the baby is born or the pregnancy ends. I’ve prayed at times for stronger morning sickness just so I could know without doubt that my baby is alive and my body is maintaining it.
I don’t mean this response to guilt-trip you at all, although I fear it might come across that way. I just want to express what it’s like on the other side of the equation. I guess the grass really is greener on the other side. But light morning sickness isn’t necessarily something to be wished for. However, I certainly hope you are someday able to experience an easier pregnancy than you’ve had to date.
Congratulations!
Joy says
I just want to say, I’m in the same boat. Seven months now with my fifth pregnancy. I have a 20 month old and have had three miscarriages.
Only difference is, I’ve had hg with all five pregnancies.
Even my shortest which was about five weeks, I was puking my guts up every day of it.
I wish the sickness was a sure sign of a sticky baby!
We are so thankful for the blessings we DO have, and try to focus on that. So many sweet parents miscarry over and over and never get to hold a precious baby in their arms.
Cindy says
Even under the cloak of anonymity, this is a brave post! I’m one of those very fortunate women who barely even notice the morning sickness most of the time, so this isn’t the easiest thing for me to address for other women who have a great deal of it. I hear a lot about how I wouldn’t be so eager to let God decide my family size if my pregnancies weren’t so healthy, but then, those people don’t live my life and see the other hardships God uses to refine me. We all have our crosses to bear. I’m so glad this mother has learned to bear hers without bitterness!
Jennifer says
This was a brave, honest post. I am sorry that whomever wrote it felt that she could not disclose who she is. I would hope that we would all be supportive of her.
I have so far been blessed with those easy pregnancies. With my first, I had no morning sickness at all, I discovered early on, and quite by accident, that for me, I could make a point to drink water throughout the night and prevent any nausea from occurring…even if I was up the rest of the night getting rid of the extra water 🙂 However, after the fact we believe that I had undiagnosed diabetes so my son was very large and had to be delivered by emergency c-section, his blood sugar dropped dangerously low and he almost had to be admitted to NICU. I didn’t get to even see him for the first 5 1/2 hours of his life. I am now pregnant with #2 and have been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes and I am being treated for my diabetes this time around. My pregnancy is a bit harder, I am dealing with more sickness than last time, though it is still very tolerable by anyone’s standards, so definitely could still be classified as an “easy” pregnancy. But I am seeing Drs every time I turn around, it has literally been every 2 weeks…and my last 3 appts have only been a week apart. I am only 12 wks pregnant and will be having my 4th ultrasound next week. And I have no idea how many more I will need to ensure the doctors that my baby will be born healthy (though I have no doubts that this child will be exactly who God wants him/her to be). Did I mention that I am 37 and that the Drs are trying to convince me that I need to do all this genetic testing “for peace of mind” Little do they realize that I had peace of mind until *they* decided that I needed peace of mind.
Marie says
Thank you so very, VERY much for posting this. I am bookmarking it to read and re-read. We have a similar story, but before I go further I want to say that this is not just morning sickness– it has a name and it is hyperemesis gravidarum, or HG. It is very different than just morning sickness and is characterized by extreme weight loss (10% of body weight or more) and often people with it must be hospitalized due to dehydration. There are women who have died from HG, and women often lose babies and/or suffer extreme depression with it. If you have HG, at the minimum, go to http://www.helpher.org and read some posts to learn about it, and GET SUPPORT from other people who have lived through it. I have found it is critical to tell Drs what you have (rather than allow them to poo-poo it and shoo you out of the office). More Drs are recognizing it nowadays but there are still quite a few that need some guidance. 🙂 We homebirth after getting through the HG part with a Dr.
We have had two HG pregnancies, and the emotional toll described by OP is identical. I am wanting to get to where she is so that we can have more children. I just have to get past the bitterness that is SO prevalent when my body is weak and feeling like death. I feel like I need to get to a higher spiritual plane so that my family doesn’t endure the bitterness and screaming and severe depression that comes with HG for me. Hypoglycemia compounds the physical toll.
“That we can find joy IN suffering, not just despite it; that we can be thankful FOR suffering.” I want to be here…I pray that God will make me over for this purpose! Thank you SO much for posting this, it really means the world to me. I thank God for Godly women like the OP and the Raising Arrows momma!
Megan says
Praise God for your testimony! Thank you for sharing this, I’m sure it wasn’t easy. Love to hear how God is glorified through bearing children. 🙂
Marianne says
I love this post how the author comes to a deeper understanding of the meaning of suffering and how it draws us closer to Christ. As Catholics we have a saying, “offer it up” which means precisely what the author has found she can do with her awful suffering by her sixth pregnancy. We take that cup handed to us by Our Lord, thank Him for it, and embrace it and offer it to Him because it gives us a tiny opportunity to be in union with Him in His sufferings and thereby conformed to Him and His will more perfectly.
And He always graciously accepts our small offerings and pours out grace by the bucket load!
Will be praying for you dear writer!
Semone says
Praise God for your precious testimony! How deeply encouraging it is to the body of Christ. Your proclamations draw us all to feet of THE ONE that is truly setting you free!
Thank you 🙂
Amanda says
What a beautiful testimony to the Lord! He is doing great works in you and others. I too suffer during pregnancy and as I rejoiced with this last pregnancy my pain was less than the previous one, gone no but His grace carried me through. Blessings upon you for sharing something so personal.
Sarah says
I appreciated this post very much. It is comforting to me in my own trials. I don’t have the same struggle as the author, but it reminds me we all have our own “why this for me?” questions. In a nutshell, mine is having to constantly move and feeling alone & isolated. It is hard to reconcile the pain that has come with this and why it must happen again and again, BUT I know God is using it for ME! Thank you for sharing!
Jill says
For those who suffer with Hyperemesis Gravidarum, I highly recommend that you seek a doctor who will take your symptoms seriously and give you the treatment you need be it medications such as Zofran, a PICC line, IV fluids, etc. As the previous poster said, HG is more than morning sickness. It is a disease that afflicts 1 -2 % of pregnant women and can have devastating consequences for mother and baby. I suffered with HG through 4 pregnancies (live births), the last one through the entire 9 months. Yet I long to be pregnant again after having two miscarriages in 2011 (and another one in 2006). The agony of HG (and it is agony) is brief compared to the lifelong blessing of a child though it doesn’t seem brief at the time!! Thank you for being brave enough to post this and to shed light on HG which highly misunderstood by both medical professionals and the general public.
Miranda says
I too am a hyperemesis gravidarum sufferer. I have had 6 children, one was a twin pregnancy which made the HG even worse. I didn’t get back up to my prepregnancy weight until 22 weeks along but I manage to pack on the required minimum for twins of 35 lbs in the last 15 weeks lol and had two healthy weight babies that came right home. I am here to say that it can get better. I’ve had two singleton pregnancies since my twin pregnancy and the first one I was, again, super ill. I had home IV therapy because, with 4 small children at home and no local family, I had to be home. No hospital for me. But, this last pregnancy, and coincidentally or not, I’m not sure, my first boy, was so much better. Don’t get me wrong I was sick but it was nothing compared to my previous pregnancies. I lost a little bit of weight, I got sick earlier in the pregnancy even, but I managed not to be “deathly” ill. Though the people around me still thought I was, especially those who’d never been around me pregnant before. :p I’ve always tried to look at it as at least I know things are proceeding the way they are supposed to. If I wasn’t sick then I’d be worried that something was wrong.
I’ve been told by so many people, my mother included, that they’d never have all these children if they were that sick while they were pregnant. But, even as I sit here typing, they are running around playing tag inside like wild things and they are singing Jesus Loves Me at the same time. And I just think, yes He does and I love you and I praise Him for the gifts He’s given me in you. And that’s what I have to remember, “children are a blessing from the LORD” and my illness is a blessing too because I have a long way to go to be anything near Christlike in my life, He’s honing me. And I agree with you, it is extremely hard to remember when you’re going through the trials that they have a purpose and God gives us these trials to draw us closer to Him.
What a brave testimony, thank you, it was something I needed to read today. <3
Rachel says
Thank you for posting this. I appreciate the honesty!
Teresa says
Thanks for the honest testimony. All six pregnancies have been very difficult. I had little morning sickness (except with the twins, which we lost one of them early on). My issue was scar tissue from a childhood illness. My belly was not able to expand like normal. Every time it needed to expand the tissue tore. Sharp pains and then hours of uncomfortableness after. The baby had little room to push out so it was forced up, into my lung area. This stretched my ribs out and caused even more pain and much trouble breathing and sleeping. It also caused me to not look very pregnant as I carried so extremely high and the fact I could hardly eat as I always felt full
We have 5 wonderful children with us on earth and two that await us in heaven. What was most difficult for me was that it is so rare and was so extreme that most people simply did not understand. We are no longer able to have more children (uterus tore during last pregnancy), but I long so much for more. I was not a wonderful pregnant women, now I wish I would have taken more time to appreciate the wonderful thing that pregnancy really is.
Diana says
Thank you for posting this, Amy! Wonderful!
For any women suffering from severe nausea and vomiting of pregnancy, or hyperemesis, the website http://www.helpher.org is a great place to start for information.
Diana says
p.s. I am a fellow hyperemesis sufferer and can completely identify with everything written here. Hugs to that mama!!!
amy marie says
thank you sooo soooo SOOOOOO much for this post!
i too go through very hard “morning” sickness. all morning – noon – & night. dehydration, ruptured blood vessels in my throut, weight loss and a deep suicidal depression. i wasn’t as honest with anyone durng my son’s (1st) pregnancy. while pregnat with my daughter (2nd) i sat at least 3 times in my midwives office crying and telling her how strong my “crazy uncontrollable desire to kill myself” was and all she said was “that it would pass”. Thankfully i had a loving Heavenly Father to turn to during these times, and having grown up without a mother myself i would never wish that on anyone let along my first born. i can’t imagine going through such a pregnacy without God.
after having read this post and the comments that followed i am now encouraged to look in to this HG, share it with my husband and look for another midwife all together. our desire is to bring life to whomever God would ask of us but we are both very nervous every month that i am going to become pregnant simply becuase of how terrible my pregnancies were on both of us. we both felt very alone and now i feel like perhaps their may be hope. listen to me – still hoping that God would take this cup from me…still i am encouraged by the comments above and this post as well has me thinking about a bunch of things that i never would have considered before. i pray that the Lord would use me and that i would allow Him to teach me what it is i have a tendency to be unwilling to learn.
thank you for sharing this post and thank you too for those who have commented above.
Marie says
Don’t know if you’ll get a follow up email to this, but I just saw this and wanted to encourage you as an HG sufferer to check out http://www.helpher.org. It is literally my lifeline to get through an HG pregnancy. Doctors, midwives, and medicine all pales in comparison to the importance of this resource! It has a lot of info on preparing to conceive for a better pregnancy, how to make HG manageable when possible, and it has made each pregnancy easier for me with new info to treat myself, and what to tell your Drs you need to try next. Unless you live in a big city, the chances are your Dr will not be an HG specialist, YOU have to become the HG specialist. 🙂
Jessica says
I, too, have HG. Had it w/my first pregnancy and now 16 weeks with my second. The first time it lasted every single moment, even throwing up during delivery. And this one so far has been worse, so I assume it will also last the entire time. This time around, however, I am on a Zofran pump. The nausea medicine is being pumped hourly directly into my stomach and that has helped stabilize my weight and helped me eat about 4 or 5 different foods. If you have HG, tell your doctor. The pump is better than just Zofran pills.
This time, I have also developed an insane itching in my feet that may be due to a liver issue. Or, it could just be another reaction to hormones.
On the flip side, my daughter’s delivery was textbook easy.
I have to echo some of the sentiments here—-the one thing I have always felt grateful for is knowing I never have to worry about whether or not my baby is alive and growing.
But this time around has been tougher on my emotionally bc/I am missing out on so much of my daughter’s life. She is almost three years old and has a stay at home mom that has to hire a babysitter most days to take her to fun places. I pray desperately just to feel well enough to create wonderful memories during her last few months of being our only child.
Liz says
I’m one of those who is terribly ill during pregnancies. With my first, I was sick 5 months, 7 months with the second, and all 9 months with my last child. Yep, I was throwing up the day she was born. She came into this world around the time Chili’s Restaurant had the ad campaign where they’d sing about their baby back ribs. I sang a slightly different version: “I want my body back, body back, body back!” I remember one day having thrown up 21 times and calling the doctor. I’d gotten to the point that I couldn’t even keep down water. I got a male doctor on the line, and he told me it would pass. It was a good thing for him that we were on the phone and not in person. I might have barfed on him.
Lena says
Such a beautiful, touching story. May God bless you and your family and keep you safe in his strong arms.
Kate says
This speaks very much to my heart, as I am the mother of four young children and had severe hyperemesis with each pregnancy. All around us, our family and friends pressure us to “be done” growing our family because of MY illness….we bear the comments and questions with patience, knowing His Will will be done, and He will be glorified no matter what happens to us. thank you for posting this.
Marie says
I already posted one comment but I have to again come and thank the original poster (OP) for being the FIRST Christian I have ever found who wrote about getting through HG!
I had suicidal thoughts during both pregnancies from HG, and depression after pregnancy and I know that spiritually I was a far cry from where I needed to be during both. It was so hard to keep the bitterness from creeping in! I know if I can abide in him NOW then if I get pregnant I will be in a much better place. I also feel like I have PTSD as I noticed sometimes when my husband and I attempt to talk about another baby, I can’t help but cry just thinking about it.
Anyway, I am honestly thankful for this condition as it has highlighted that I am NOT right with God when the chips are down. God has also given me compassion for the sick that I would never have been able to imagine without having been so utterly ill myself! I cannot wait to get to the point where I can praise him even when I feel like death, what an incredible blessing that will be! THANK YOU for sharing your testimony of his amazing grace.
Laura says
Wow, what a beautiful story! May God bless you. I know this story would have feminists up in arms about ‘your body’ and ‘convenience’ and ‘what’s good for you’. But God has shown you that you are His, and not your own. I hope and pray that when/if I have children, I will remember your post (no matter how sick I do or don’t get) and remind myself that we are to be joyful in suffering, and that God is shaping us to be more like Him. Thank you!
Autumn Beck says
I’ve been convicted. The victim mentality has plagued me for the last week and a half. The thing I need to change is how I view the sickness. It is to His glory not my punishment.
Joy says
Oh, I can so much relate to the suffering you have endured! We have been blessed with five precious children, and with each one I have been extremely ill (hyperemesis) for the first 5 months of pregnancy (and with a couple of them, the nausea never completely went away). It is such a difficult time, and no one truly understands how miserable it is unless they have experienced it. I think that’s what makes it even greater suffering, is having so many people not understand, or even implying that you might be at fault.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I shared mine a couple of years ago (reposted last summer) here: http://www.artfulhomemaking.com/2011/07/my-morning-sickness-story.html I hope it may be an encouragement to someone.
Blessings,
Joy
Amanda @ The Pelsers says
This is so similar to the way I felt dealing with depression. We can find joy in the midst of suffering (the reason I titled my ebook Finding Joy in Depression). 2 Cor 1:4 tells us that we’re supposed to comfort others with the stories of our suffer in the way that God comforted us. Thanks for stepping out and doing just that!
Amy says
Another HG mother chiming in here…holding and enjoying my fourth baby. Don’t ever call it morning sickness, this is a whole other animal! Calling it morning sickness makes people think it isn’t serious – crackers in bed are not a cure, lol!
HG runs in my family. My grandmother, mother, and now I have it too. This most recent pregnancy I started taking Diclectin (not available in the US) once I could no longer hold food down. Actually, I couldn’t speak or even turn my head without vomitting. Eventually I started throwing up the Diclectin and had to also take Maxeran (drug used for chemo patients) 3 times per day. Finally I could somewhat function and was able to begin weaning off the meds in my fifth month.
I tell my kids that the suffering is worth it and I’m glad to have all of them, but my goodness it is a trial by fire! My Mom used to tell me that when she was pregnant with me, she would ask God to let her die in her sleep. I didn’t understand that level of desperation until I experienced it myself 🙂
With this pregnancy an understanding and informed doctor who took my condition seriously made a HUGE difference in my pregnancy. I actually GAINED weight in my first trimester – a first for me.
Toronto children’s hospital has an excellent website with HG info called MotherRisk.
Katy says
I needed to read this today! I am a Mama to 5.5 kiddos. I have had 5 pregnancies but only one has resulted in a living child. I used to grieve my infertility until God made us fertile through adoption.
After “forgetting” to schedule my hysterectomy, after the adoption of our youngest child, after our move back to SE Asia, after committing to lead a bible study, after seeing fruit in God’s ministry here, after multiple tests to determine what disgusting SE Asian parasite was crippling me daily, we found out at about 7 weeks that we were pregnant. My husband and I literally sat on the edge of our bathtub crying at the results of the THIRD test we took (they were all positive but we were convinced there was some mistake so we kept taking more tests). We are OVERJOYED to be pregnant for the 5th time, with our 6th child.
Then after about 16 weeks of solid “stomach flu” symptoms, along w/ the REAL stomach flu, failing at my job of homeschooling, parenting and keeping my kids fed and healthy, keeping our home peaceful (I became a horrid wife and mother), the gratefulness wore off and I began to BEG God for reprieve… it has not come yet, I have had to resign from leadership in my bible study, I am had to pass up dinners w/ new believers and new seekers. I have had to stop “going out two by two” w/ my husband. And I have become bitter… even after ALL that Christ has given to me, all that has been lavished upon me!
But, I AM 20 WEEKS and I feel little kicks, AND you are right, His grace IS sufficient for me.
Amy says
Wow! What a story!
Dana says
I really feel that God led me to your post today. Powerful words, powerful story and powerful truth.
I am pregnant with my 4 after having HG with all of my pregnancies. This pregnancy has been much better after my midwives taking it way more seriously. I am taking a lot of medication that is helping me not to vomit. The nausea, however, is still unending and also unbearable. I am getting so down as I am not really living right now. Unable to parent, unable to care for myself. Your post really spoke Gods comfort to me.
Marie says
I know there are many woman who may be coming here from HG sites around the web.
In case you are puzzled by the part where the anonymous poster mentions ‘getting saved’, here is what salvation means and I believe this video is exactly what the Bible says about it (in a funny video format with Kirk Cameron as the guy’s voice).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pYZw0dfLmLk
I sincerely cried out for God at a low point in my life, and found that he WAS there, and he was real. As I took steps of faith to obey his word (what the Bible says to do, basically), he revealed himself to me more and more. My life began to change, and the faster I obeyed Him, the faster it changed in ways I’d always wanted, but could never figure out how to do on my own. I didn’t get rich like Joel Osteen might tell you (not cool, total lie, and NOT biblical), but I got peace, and I started healing a lot of bitterness and anger. I’m a totally different person now after 10 years of following Christ, and I continue to grow into someone more like him every day. My personality never changed, my heart did! He has also healed my brother of a 15 year addiction and changed him inside out.
Cher says
First of all, beautiful article that confronts me about my own bad attitude toward God. I am in my first pregnancy, in the first trimester, and it has so far been a terrible experience. I didn’t realize that my old feelings about bearing children before God saved me were still present deep within me, only brought to the surface when I learned that I was with child. In college, I thought of babies as “parasites to the mother” and hated motherhood because it was of God and not of the world. I was blinded by the spirit of the age. Now, as a Christian prego, everyone else (my church family, my family, my husband, my friends) were all happy for me but I was not. I cried my eyes out in the shower and when my husband expressed joy, I remained bitter and did not join him. Everyone seems to see this as such a joyous occasion but all I see is that I will no longer be the same person. I finally decided to get healthy with my lifestyle back in the summer and now I’m pregnant. I lost 30 pounds and felt better than I ever have, and I was going to continue to do it. To me, I’m not mother material. I’m hardly wife material. I am so sick with morning sickness that I have not been able to maintain my healthy lifestyle because I’m vomiting everything up that I eat. I have tried everything – ginger, crackers and ginger ale, water, etc. Everything makes me sick. I want to draw near to God in this so that I will see His glory in this situation. I want to see how He is going to get me through this. It seems impossible because I have to work outside the home. Our situation requires me to work for now unless we want to live on the streets. I don’t know how I am going to work feeling like this. I know God is working on removing the dross from me – my selfishness most of all. Even though I would not abort, I have had thoughts of it because this is so hard to go through. I have had wishes of miscarriage, or thinking that maybe I’ll miscarry so this can be over and I can get back to my “normal” life. But the bible as we know tells us that we will have trials. Never has my utter sinfulness been so apparent as now – now that I’ve become pregnant.
Courtney says
Reading this a few years after it was posted, just when I needed it, tears in my eyes, encouraged and blessed. I’m in my last few weeks of pregnancy with our 5th living child. Struggling more physically than I ever have in my life, but so thankful for The Lord blessing us with this child. I desire so much to be conformed to His image, just as you expressed, and for all of this to be for His glory.
Joy says
Oh, my heart.
I so needed to read this. I had HG until seven months with my first, who is now 20 months old.
I had three miscarriages last year, all with terrible HG.
Now I’m seven months pregnant again, and I feel like I’ve been sick for three years.
It’s so, so exhausting, but none of that makes me want more children any less.
Everyone I know keeps pressuring me to stop after this one. (I lost 45 lbs with my first and have lost about 30 so far with this one)
But my heart wants to have more babies!
At the same time I can see how it would be easy to make the selfish choice and not have to deal with this sickness.
God grant us strength!!!