Some children are a challenge to homeschool, but often those are the very children who have the potential to teach us more than we could ever teach them! Learn how to homeschool the difficult child with more compassion and fewer tears!
This post is sponsored by Sonlight.
“He doesn’t listen to me!” she cried on my shoulder. My friend had just lived through another exhausting day as a homeschool mom with a child who spent most of his homeschooling hours arguing and complaining.
She would beg and plead and bribe, but more often than not, her son wore her down and made her doubt her ability to homeschool him. She wondered where she’d gone wrong and if the only answer now was to put him back in a traditional school setting where someone else could deal with him.
She desperately wanted a peaceful homeschool experience, but this child seemed bent on creating chaos and discord.
And I completely understood her plight…even more than I cared to admit.
Homeschooling children who are difficult, disrespectful, and downright defiant can be a challenge capable of tearing down even the strongest of mothers. So how do you homeschool the children who push their limits and push your buttons?
Start with Prayer
Homeschooling brings us to our knees…a lot. Homeschooling a difficult child KEEPS us on our knees! There is power in prayer and God is faithful to help us (and our child) through difficulties.
When you don’t know where to start or where to go, shut yourself in your bedroom, the bathroom, or your garage and just cry out to the Lord. More often than not, answers immediately follow.
Build the relationship
All too often, when we don the homeschool teacher hat, we remove the mom hat. We are so focused on education and academics, we miss the real reason we brought the kids home in the first place – to disciple and love them!
You have to get back to the basics and work on your relationship with your difficult child, rather than spending all your energy fighting with them over homeschooling.
A child who does not respect you as a mother isn’t likely to listen to you as a teacher. And chances are, your difficult child is actually craving time with you as a mother. Invest more time and energy in strengthening your relationship with them whenever you see them digging their heels in.
Sonlight is a great way to help build a relationship with your difficult child. Use the read-alouds as a time to connect. Let your difficult child sit near you while you read. Ask them questions. Let them know you value them and their input. LEARN MORE ABOUT SONLIGHT HERE >>
ALSO READ >> How to Balance Being Mom and Homeschool Teacher
Responsibility = Privileges (and vice-versa)
One thing that many children don’t understand is the concept of responsibilities and privileges. We have to patiently teach this to them over and over again, explaining that they can’t get their own way when they aren’t taking responsibility for the tasks in their domain.
A difficult child will often want to do things like play video games or go out with friends in lieu of doing school work. In order to guide your child toward maturity, you have to stay the course with not allowing privileges until responsibilities are taken care of.
Make sure all responsibilities are lined out (and possibly even printed out and posted somewhere), so that when your child tries to buck the system, it’s the system and not you who responds.
It’s not easy to constantly point your child back to the right path, but it’s what Scripture asks of us…
Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. Proverbs 22:6
Grace & Restoration
Our job isn’t to simply survive our son or daughter’s childhood. We are to constantly be discipling them and pointing them toward Christ.
We mirror the grace and restoration the Lord offers.
When you see bad behaviors in your child, it is an opportunity to love them through it. Now, I realize this isn’t the easiest thing to do. If you can, wait until things have calmed down to discuss the deeper issues. Everyone needs to cool off so that each side can be heard.
Once things are calm, work toward a common understanding. Empathize with your child, share your own struggles, and always point them toward Christ’s redeeming love.
It might be the curriculum…or not…
It’s easy to blame curriculum when we have a child who is railing against their school work. In fact, many of us spend copious amounts of time and energy combing the internet for just the right program for our difficult child (a true testament to a mother’s love!).
For help in deciding if the curriculum is the problem, READ >>
Change Homeschool Curriculum (or just change how you use it)
Outsourcing is not a failure
Homeschool moms are fiercely independent. It’s a good trait to have, BUT it sometimes mean we don’t seek help when we truly need it. We figure we can fix this ourselves when truthfully, we are in over our heads.
You haven’t failed if you find yourself needing to outsource certain subjects to an online platform or a tutor or a co-op. However, never forfeit your relationship with your child in the process! (go back to point #2)
Keep on seeking
Never give up! There are answers and help. And don’t be afraid to ASK OTHER MOMS! Don’t hide your struggle because you never know who has walked this path before you and is more than happy to offer suggestions and resources you never even knew about!
Honestly, every parent finds themselves parenting through difficult circumstances with children who are being less than reasonable. Since the dawn of creation, there have been difficult children. (ahem…Adam & Eve?) Homeschooling isn’t an inoculation against sin. (ahem…look in the mirror.) Just keep steady and focused on the Lord. The answers and consolation are there.
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Delia says
You addressed this indirectly, but something I had to learn personally was that any disobedience, disrespect or arguing during ‘schooltime’ needed to be dealt with and disciplined in the same manner that it would any other time of day. I think sometimes we tend to separate a child’s behavior during schooltime from the training that we are constantly doing all day long. We assume their tantrums/outbursts must be because of curriculum, learning style etc, when in reality, that is rarely the case.
Amy says
Very true. We do have to look for stressors and frustrations within the school day (just as we would assess these outside the school day), but that doesn’t change the fact that tantrums and the like aren’t acceptable responses to those frustrations.
E says
This is my nightmare currently. We’ve experienced the death of two children (one at birth and one at age 7) and none of my 3 children respect me. One has chronic Lyme disease, one has been diagnosed as adhd, spd, odd, emotional disorder etc and another was born 8 weeks early and has a bunch of needs. The middle child is my hardest but the oldest wasn’t the kindest to her. So my days are spent with children hitting me, screaming all day, trying to pray, read the Bible and school and nothing seems to work or change anything. She’s in OT (she is 7) but she doesn’t even listen to her well, so it’s not helping things. My youngest, the preemie, is now 3 and gets services in the home, but it’s stressful because of the other children. I want to find joy in my children but most days all I find is frustration. The 7 year old doesn’t care about rewards and no punishments or discilpline seems to works so far. Nothing sinks in. I’m the mean one. I hate her and I just want her to die is what I usually hear everyday. We spent a lot of time reading together on the couch too. I sit one on one with her working on school work, but she’s just very angry at me. All the children are. I think they secretly blame me for the death of their siblings and it’s hard reclaiming life. I know God is always good and has a plan but 7 years with my son before he passed was spent living in hospitals and just trying to keep him breathing and now things seem even harder without him here because everyone just seems damaged from everything that has happened. Sorry for the vent. I’m hoping 2020 will be a better year and we will find some answers!
Amy says
I am so sorry to hear all of this. It would most likely do everyone good to see a family counselor (check with social services at the hospital where you son was at) and begin healing. Is it possible you blame yourself and the anger and grief stem from what you are feeling as well? I am praying for you tonight and want you to know that you can heal, you can have hope, and you can strengthen your family. ((HUGS))
E says
Thank you. We did try counseling but the children won’t discuss their feelings. They feel it’s none of anyone’s business. So it didn’t work so well for us. I don’t blame myself. I did till the Lord showed me it wasn’t my fault. I did struggle with blame for both children. However my oldest who is 15 blames herself for the death of her brother because she was the last one to see him alive and made a decision that he was falling back asleep. We’ve all tried convincing her it’s not, but she’s not ready to hear. My 7 year old thinks it her fault because she was always upset with him for hitting her and thinks her feelings caused it… they both know it was the Lords will in their spirits but their flesh has other ideas. If anything I feel helpless and frustrated by everything going on currently, I guess exhausted really, but I really am trying hard to show them all love and kindness though I’m sure at times they don’t see it that way because I have to be stern when they hurt each other or me and they think if I correct them I hate them. And the issue I have this year with 9th grade, all my daughters friends, they stop school in 8th grade so now she’s gotten into her head that schooling past 8th grade is pointless and each school day is a struggle because of those feelings too!
Tema Burris says
Wow! This article is a mirror image of my situation of trying to homeschool my difficult 12 year old son. He can be disrespectful and unwilling to do his homeschool work. He would MUCH rather play video games and more often than not it’s a fight, argument, battle to get him to do what he’s supposed to do. I walk away wanting to throw in the towel and just put him in public school, but at the end of the day that’s not what I want to do either. I will continue with prayer and not give up. Trust in the Lord. Thank you sooo much for posting this. It makes me feel better knowing I am not the only one who is going through this. God bless.
Amy says
You definitely are not the only one! Many moms are dealing with this, but few want to talk about it (embarrassment, shame, etc). Put some clear limitations on his video games (certain hours after certain things have been accomplished) so that everyone knows where games fit in the day. I’d also encourage you to get him outside the house and his normal “routine” a day or two a week. It sounds like the two of you could definitely benefit from some time together somewhere other than inside the walls of your home. You’re doing great – really you are! It just takes a lot of energy to parent/homeschool some kids.
Sarah mclean says
This is great encouragement. It truly is a great and irreplaceable opportunity for us to guide the difficult children into the discipline and fear of the Lord. God is going to bless our faith, as He always does! Persevere, mums of faith, and let us not turn to discouragement but seek wisdom instead.