Today, Natasha wraps up her series on Parenting by the Book with a post on the dreaded “D” word…Discipline!
PART 3
Having the right words to say and setting a good example will go a long ways in parenting, but children will still need something more. My children sure don€™t behave just because I talk to them. They need reinforcement for the truths coming from my lips and the truth being lived out in my life.
I have a football lover in my home. I have told him over and over not to wear his good clothes and shoes to play football. I have always set a good example by wearing play clothes for play and work clothes for work. Still he heedlessly persists in coming in with grass stains on brand new jeans, holes ripped in his good shirts, and good shoes with the soles torn off. He is in need of learning from discipline. Paying for some new clothing may be needed to reinforce my words and example.
Teaching through discipline
The least pleasurable teaching task I have as a parent is discipline. It enforces truth and makes it stick. Though discipline is unpleasant, it does have great reward. Hebrews 12:10, 11 says,
Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
This verse is directly referencing God€™s discipline, but it can be applied to parent€™s discipline. As a parent I must ask myself, €œDo I want righteousness and peace for my children?€ If so, I must discipline.
Utilize Christian guide books. There are many great Christian resources available on the topic of discipline that should be utilized. I€™m especially grateful to Dr. Kevin Leman and Lisa Whelchel for their excellent books. However, the number one guide to discipline is the Bible. It teaches right from wrong. God is the ultimate teacher for a parent. I think about what made God angry in the Bible. I correct and punish my children when they display these negative character traits. Then I think about the character traits in the Word that are pleasing to God. I try to encourage the growth of these attributes in my children€™s lives.
Use spankings. Spanking is a tool that I have found many young parents hesitant to utilize. The Word is clear that spanking is necessary in child rearing. Proverbs. 23:13, 14 states, €œDo not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death.€ The classic example of this is when I tell my toddler not to play in the street. Of course, most toddlers will venture towards the street anyway. It is pointless to try and reason with a child at this young age. As my mom always said, €œYou reason with him through the seat of his britches.€ His life is too precious to risk his running out into the street. A spanking in this case could save his physical life, but in the long term it saves his soul because he learns obedience.
In our home we have reserved spankings for what I call the three D€™s. They are direct disobedience, deceit, and disrespect. The majority of spankings our children received were before the age of five. By the time they reach upper elementary age, spankings are rare because their behavior does not require it and other forms of discipline and training are more effective.
Understand the value of creativity. When it comes to other childhood issues like complaining, we have found more creative forms of teaching discipline in our children€™s lives to be effective. During the toddler years when whining is so annoying, we created the €œwhine cellar€ in the pack n€™ play. Whenever they were fussing, we removed them from the room and put then in the €œwhine cellar€. We told them when they stopped fussing, we would come get them. It did take repeated trips, but it was effective.
At one point a couple of my elementary age children were having troubles complaining all the time. We gave them each a roll of nickels at the beginning of the week. We told them each time they complained they had to put one nickel in the jar on the table. At the end of the week, they could have the nickels that were left in their roll. We did this for several weeks, and each week fewer and fewer nickels were put in the jar. It made a game out of breaking the habit, and it was challenging and fun for the kids. Now each time anyone in the house complains, including the adults, we say, €œTell me two things you are thankful for.€ It is a gentle reminder to live life without complaining.
Every parent also deals with the €œlaundry monster€. It is such a frustration, when the dirty laundry is not picked up. We tried numerous ideas to find a way to conquer this monster. We charged the kids a quarter for each item mom had to pick up. Their favorite clothes would disappear because they never made it to the wash. With one child, nothing worked. Finally, we had him make five trips to the basement hamper per article of clothing that was left out. After making twenty-five trips to the basement on two different occasions, his laundry all of the sudden made it in the bag in his room. We live in a two story house and the basement is a long ways away. He finally found the laundry bag in his room a much easier solution. Now if only I could find a good solution for breaking some bad table manner habits.
When it comes to discipline, I need to not view it as a negative but as a positive. As Hebrews says discipline will €œproduce a harvest of righteousness and peace€. A garden doesn€™t grow without being tended. It is painful to work the soil and pull up the weeds, but when fruit is produced all that hard work is worth it.
There is so much I€™m to teach my children through my words, through my example, and through discipline. It seems overwhelming, but I find strength because I€™m not alone in this journey. God is with me, guiding me, and listening to me. He hears my prayers, and I know he loves my children even more than I do. This gives me the confidence to continue the task.
During those sleepless nights when I€™m concerned about my children and my failures as a parent, I whisper a prayer to my children€™s Maker thanking Him for His guidebook. I cast off the dark blanket of doubt that often envelopes me. Then rising to meet a new day I remember Psalm 65:8b which says, €œ…where morning dawns and evening fades you call forth songs of joy.€ I can face the day with joy and confidence knowing He will guide the way.
*All Scripture quoted from the NIV version of the Bible.
Natasha is a pastor’s wife and the homeschooling mother of seven children. You can find encouragement for mothers from Natasha on her blog Devoted. Read more of her adoption journey at Mother of Seven.
Roan says
Lots of good points!
I also believe that all of the wisdom we need in parenting can be found in the Bible.
Also, I am constantly reminding myself to praise, praise, praise good behavior. I have heard that we need to praise 10 times for every one correction we give. Some days I feel like I am disciplining all day! It is on those days that I realize that I am not offering any praise for the good things. There is a balance. Who wants to improve under constant criticism?
We need to model joyfulness and thankfulness, consistently correct and punish (if needed) misbehavior, and praise our precious children for the good things.
Natasha Miller says
Appreciate your bringing out the need to balance discipline with praise. It’s easy to fall into a rut of always correcting and not encouraging. Just as I respond better to encouragement then correction, so do my children.
Debra Worth says
My 15 month old is very good at listening but lately he has “obeyed” after throwing himself back, sinking to the floor, or other forms of tantrums. Would a “tantrum cellar” work?
Natasha Miller says
This is the age where reasoning is not effective. One mother I know, walks away from her child each time he throws a tantrum and acts like she doesn’t see him until he stops the behavior. It seems to be effective.
I’m afraid I didn’t have that much patience. I often administered a quick swat to the bottom with a firm “no”. The behavior usually ceased immediately.
I think a “tantrum cellar” is a good idea. It’s sure worth a try. I’ve found that what is effective can vary from child to child.
Debra Worth says
We’ve tried popping his thigh and saying “no” because that has worked in other areas wonderfully, but it seemed ineffective.
Natasha Miller says
All seven of my children have responded differently to discipline methods. One thing I’ve learned is to keep trying different methods. I had one who would laugh if I swatted him, but he hated to be removed from around the family. Time out was effective with him. However, another of my boys liked being alone and time out was not a punishment at all.
Tantrums often are an effort by the child to get attention, so you might try the “tantrum cellar”. When he sees it doesn’t get him what he desires, he just might stop.
I had to remind myself this week of Gal. 6:9. “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”
Good mothers look for answers, and that is what you’re doing. Keep on keeping on. You’re doing great!
Debra Worth says
The fact that he listens, but with a bad attitude, shows me that he doesn’t want to get in trouble and thinks he can get away with tantrums. It is a new thing. Today he ended these tantrums in the “wobbly box” (I thought that sounds better then tantrum cellar). I’m pretty sure he got the point. Usually a week of focusing on one thing is what it takes so hopefully we can nip this thing in the bud.
Suanna says
Debra, when one of our tried to do that we would firmly say, “get up/stand up straight you may not throw a fit. You will obey without fussing.”
He was 13-22 months.
Then sometimes we would practice obeying happily if we felt it was necessary.
Pam C says
Especially when tantrums are just being tried out in a young toddler, it’s very effective for mom to remember some urgent business in another room and walk away 🙂 It’s soooooo boring to yell without an audience! If this is the response to your request to do something, you can walk away, come back in a couple of minutes when child is quiet, and try again. At first, it may take a few times, but eventually the child learns that tantrum gets no response and he/she is going to have to do “whatever” anyway.
And remember to give the “pizazz” when the child does what is requested – the big smiles, clapping, etc.
Angela says
Another great post! Thanks for sharing your wisdom on a sometimes difficult topic. I always think that obedience training is much easier than attitude training because of the clear appropriateness/necessity of spanking in the “3-D” areas. Perhaps my hang up is that in the area of attitude I need to focus more on training through word and through example and not just through discipline.
Natasha Miller says
My dad often has said they were good at discipline, but not necessarily at giving us something positive to replace the negative behavior with. You can clean your house out, but if we don’t fill it with what God wants other worse things move in. I’m thinking of Luke 11:24-26. We clean out the negative behavior through discipline, and refill the void through example and words. Just a thought.
I’m like you Angela. I tend to try to do a lot of training through discipline, and I need to shift my focus.
Angela says
Good point, Natasha. We work really hard to train our children before the need to discipline arises, but for whatever reason, I find “attitude training” to be tougher and more obscure than “obedience training.” I am encouraged by this blog series, though, that much of that attitude training can be done through word and example! Thanks again for sharing your wisdom!
Brandy says
While I don’t agree with your stance on spanking (we don’t spank at all), overall this was another good post! We liked Lisa Whelchel’s Creative Correction book. TONS of ideas in there that have really helped!
Bonni says
Great post!! I just posted about discipline 2 days ago!! So glad to know that another mom feels the way that I do….no whining! Have a great weekend!