Note: Wikipedia defines Family Integrated Church as, “In Protestant Christianity, a family integrated church is one in which parents and children ordinarily attend church services together, children stay all through church services without attending Sunday school or children’s ministries, and organized groups and activities for children and youth are normally non-existent.” You can read about our experiences attending this kind of church by clicking THIS LINK.
I haven’t written about Family Integrated Church in a while because frankly, we haven’t been going to one. We currently live in an area where there are not a lot of options when it comes to worshipping the way we’ve been used to for the past several years. It was disheartening, and we spent a lot of time bouncing from one congregation to the next, trying to find a “home.”
And in the process, I ended up spiritually deprived.
Many of you know 2015 was a difficult year for me. For those of you who don’t know the story, we moved out of state for my husband’s promotion when I was 9 months pregnant, I had a traumatic birth delivering our 9th (this post doesn’t even tell the whole story – we only found out the full extent from my OB later on). Because our 9th was a girl, I found myself dealing with the grief of losing our previous daughter in ways I never imagined, including becoming extremely anxious. My life just seemed to be one mess after another, and everyone felt very far away from me…including God.
The church search only made things worse. We never managed to “settle in” anywhere, and finding a family integrated church was proving to be an impossibility. I found myself lamenting moving away from our old church, and feeling as though I didn’t want to go anywhere if I couldn’t be back there.
Why couldn’t there be a family integrated church that fit us perfectly here?
Because that’s not what God wanted for us.
It wasn’t until earlier this year, I realized Family Integrated Church isn’t always the answer. In fact, sometimes, it most definitely is NOT the answer. It won’t solve all your church problems. It won’t make your children behave better. And it won’t always feed you and your family spiritually. It is a “model,” (and a good one at that), but even the best FIC will have its troubles.
For instance…
One FIC we attended for a short time most definitely had a pedophile in its midsts.
One FIC we attended for a long time had some preaching we didn’t really agree with.
Another FIC we attended struggled to reach out to the world at large.
And yet another had such strife within the Body, that it eventually tore the church apart.
There is no perfect Family Integrated Church, just as there is no perfect mainstream church. Certainly, we must protect our children from danger, but we mustn’t find danger lurking everywhere.
Each of the FIC’s I mentioned above had aspects we loved. We left none of them on bad terms, and in fact, most of them we stopped attending only because we moved (the exception being the first one out of safety concerns). But, I also have extremely fond memories of the traditional churches we attended in the years prior to attending Family Integrated Churches. What do my memories consist of? The very things that we SHOULD be looking for in a church – FIC or not.
The Word of God being preached with passion. Even doctrinal differences can be overcome if the fundamentals of the faith are in tact and the preaching is sincere and seeking.
Fellowship amongst the Body of Christ. Potlucks, picnics, prayer meetings, time spent simply talking and sharing our lives with other believers – these things are priceless and crucial to the well-being of our spiritual lives.
The common ground of Christ. You can tell when someone’s life has Christ as the cornerstone. No, not everyone in the church is going to have built their lives upon that Cornerstone, and no, not everyone’s lives will look the same even when built on Christ. We shouldn’t ignore our commonality in Christ or even go so far as to forsake it because we don’t all have the same preferences and convictions.
What I realized during 2015 was that I could not stay at home waiting for the perfect FIC to show up. Ty and I decided to begin attending a traditional church with solid preaching. It was people from this church who welcomed us the most heartily when we first arrived in town. And when I met the pastor and his wife for the very first time, I could tell they were Christ followers to the core.
The church has a band. There is a youth group. It’s in a big gymnasium, and sometimes I end up sitting in the van with the toddler because he just can’t sit still any longer. No, I’m not a huge fan of loud music in a church service. I’m not a fan of most youth groups, and even though this one is led by some great folks, they totally understand why we don’t send the kids. I miss being in a small church, and sometimes I’m terrified of what people must think of my unruly toddler, but I’m being fed. My children are being fed. My husband is being fed.
The answer for us was not to keep searching or to stay at home. It was to move past expectations and personal preferences, and come together to worship with other believers…this time, in a non-Family Integrated Church setting.
Sierra says
Hi, could explain what you mean by family integrated church?
Amy says
Sure! They are sometimes house churches, but not always. They are churches that are specifically set up to have families worship all together. No Sunday School. No other sort of separate activities. Kids are in the church service with you and often, but not always, the service is geared toward all ages. I’ll add this explanation to my post. 🙂
Stephanie says
I love our church, feels it is a good middle ground. We have Sunday School for all ages (although if a parent wishes to keep kids with them in the adult class they could), we have nursery for the under 3 kiddos and then they sit with parents in church ( but it is not required kids can sit wit parents younger too and sometimes do, nursery is just an option ) We do have a youth group but it is so different from any other church I’ve seen. I think it works well to allow e kids to have some fun with the kid in their age range just like sometimes I want to be with others who are in the same stage of life as me. But many of our activities are for the whole family. But most imporantlu the Truth of Gods Word is taught and the people truly love God and the people of God.
Judith Martinez says
The way your congregation structures things is absolutely my first preference.
JUDITH MOYERS says
Stephanie where do you attend church?
Theresa says
Thank you for sharing this.
Tara says
So much truth, humility and grace here. Changing churches is so difficult-spiritually and emotionally. Having no church (or one that is spiritually dead) is harder. I am so glad that you found a church (but I wish it had a mommy/baby room so you didn’t have to go to the van. So much Titus 2 mentoring happens there!)
Alexandra says
Good article and good points! Another thing I would like to bring up is that sometimes a pastor would like to have a Family Integrated Chuch, but it doesn’t work for where the body is at. My husband is a pastor and thankfully in our church we are seeing tons of people come to Christ. With that, many of the families in our church have the public school mentality and they aren’t quite ready to embrace the idea of training their children to sit through the service. Also, we have tons of single moms. For these moms there is no one to wash them in the word thoughout the week and I can tell it is a refreshment to them to have other people teaching their children the word of God. With that, we keep children in worship and prayer at the beginning, we also include the children in our holiday services and will read to them from the Jesus Storybook Bible as they sit in front of the church. I love the idea of Family Integrated Church and would smile to see more families keep their children with them.
Shari says
I agree with all of this! My husband is a pastor, too. God has called our church to be very mindful of non-Christians and people who think they might be Christians but aren’t sure or aren’t really seeking the Lord daily. Most of the time these days, families are separate. Work, school, and hobbies (sports teams, music lessons, etc.) — take families apart from each other almost the entire day. It’s sad, but it’s just where our culture is. It would be unfair and unnatural to say to families who aren’t in the habit of being together that when they come to church they MUST be together.
Yes, we believe that children need to see their fathers raising their hands in praise to the Lord. We absolutely believe families should pray together and hear the Word together. But to force families to do this would be to force many families to go elsewhere or to stay home.
It’s my opinion that FIC churches are asking to be “us four and no more” — setting themselves up to attract only families who are already Christians, not openly inviting people who have a different paradigm of family activities. I don’t know that for a fact, but it’s how I imagine things play out. Maybe someone could comment further on this who has experience in FIC church(es). Do non-Christians come to FIC? Do they stay? Do they give their lives to Jesus? Do they begin to live for Him? Or do they feel so uncomfortable that they don’t stay?
Amy says
My understanding of Scripture is not that unbelievers *should* go to church to get saved, but rather there needs to be actual outside-the-church evangelizing by other believers and a bringing into the fold (and an acceptance of wherever that new baby Christian may be in their life). The original church wasn’t a building, but rather a BODY of believers. I have a hard time understanding why non-believers would want to worship a Christ they do not serve. So, I don’t have a problem with churches full of only believers, but I do think we have to reach out in some tangible way beyond the church walls to unbelievers.
Stephanie says
From what I’ve experienced (even personally) the people who get saved while attending church are those who know there is a God but hadn’t learned the Truth about salvation. So there is an opportunity for someone getting saves in church. It may not have been that way in the new testament since churches were mostly illegal and underground. I personally started attending church prior to getting saved and am glad I was welcomed and taught the Truth of salvation in a church.
Amy says
Ah yes – I can see that. Thank you for clarifying!
Shari says
We have a LOT of visitors who aren’t saved who come when there is some type of crisis in their lives. They’re mostly seeking relief from a painful situation, not really seeking the Lord, but they know they need something and that something might be “church.” Or “God.” Or something! That’s more what I’m curious about. What do they do — stay and learn? Hopefully get integrated into friendships with people who are walking with Jesus and see that they need to give their lives to Him?
At our church, we firmly teach that the Body of Christ must be active and alive and witnessing out in the community and that the bulk of the ministry should happen out there and be done by the church people. But my thoughts are more about when the unsaved family or individual comes in and finds a FIC group. What happens next most of the time?
Amy says
I have been in two different kinds of FICs – some that don’t advertise; therefore, you rarely see someone there who isn’t already a believer because it was difficult to find. The other was a church plant and therefore, more of an outreach with people actively discipling. However, even it struggled to “keep” unbelievers within the congregation – but not due to there not being an outpouring of love, but because those people just weren’t ready to surrender.
Shari says
The second scenario is understandable, but the first one you describe is troubling. It’s part of what I thought probably happens with FIC churches. I’m sure it’s wonderful fellowship for those who are “in,” but I think it’s probably hard to join the clique. If this was a nation where it was illegal for Christians to meet together, it might be the safer thing to keep ourselves to ourselves. But the Great Commission hasn’t been revoked. Keeping to ourselves isn’t what Jesus said to do.
Blessings to you in your church decisions. I think maybe God has led you to a local body where some struggling family needs to know you and be able to watch you being a family together.
Me says
Amen!!!
Andrea says
If God opens their eyes to the truth and chooses them for salvation, yes, they give their lives to the Lord. If not, they don’t. People attend all kinds of churches and don’t stay. It doesn’t matter if it is Family Integrated or not. All FIC do not keep to themselves. I think there are some blanket statements or presumptions being made. The hardest part of finding a church at all is finding a church that teaches and preaches the ENTIRE Bible, a church that teaches and preaches that God is SOVEREIGN and a church that is ETERNALLY driven, not worldly and “how do our attendance records and bank statements look” driven. FIC or not, those are the points we struggle to find.
Shari says
I also wanted to add that about 2/3 of our families are homeschooling families — including ours. These families are together A LOT. I think it’s often nice for the homeschooling parents, moms especially, to have some quiet moments to sit down and just listen for a change. I know it’s really nice for me,
So it’s not just the public school parents who like to have Kids’ Church available.
Randi says
Thank you for this post! Our family has recently relocated and the church search process has begun to wear thin. We are planning to join a church by the end of the month and your post seems conformational to me that we are making the right decision. Sometimes it’s just time to reunite with the body of Christ, never at the expense of the truth of course. Thank you for sharing.
Tamyra says
We are having issues finding a church that can support our 6 yr old with Autism. The church we use to attend for many years were terrible about support and outreach. We were just bodies in a building. The church we want to attend is large, but we don’t think our daughter can handle their program. They move around a lot, which is great for “regular” kids. So for now we worship at home. I feel sad about it sometimes.
Amy says
Tamyra, I’ll be praying you find a place that works for your family.
mONICA says
Tamyra, are you familiar with a ministry called Joni and Friends? To make a beautiful story short, this ministry reaches out to families and communities who are impacted by disability. One of their outreaches is to help churches form disability ministries, to create an environment accessible and welcoming to everyone. Their website is http://www.joniandfriends.org I bet they could help you find a church.
Praying for a church home that can minister to you and your family.
kaci says
I had never heard of a family integrated church. Thanks for sharing. For me Sunday school works great…my kids get time with kids there age and I get some time to soak in the word. With three toddlers I don’t think I would be able to even hear the preacher.lol I’m surprised they don’t have a mommy room.
JC says
Thank you for this timely word. We have been involved in a homechurch setting for the past 8 years. I found myself needing to leave it about 9 months or so ago and have been without a corporate spiritual connection since then. Half of our family has been going and the other half staying home. Now its time for us to come together as a family and find a place we can all be fed and plug into. While I know each will have its positives and negatives we are hoping to find a place we can all feel meets our current need. We are hoping to move out of state next year (we tried this year and God said its not the right time yet) so wherever we go doesn’t have to be permanent just what we need for now. Thanks for your perspective!
Liz says
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this.
We moved out to the country a year ago and have felt really discouraged about the churches here. The nearest church we like is over an hour a way, a long way for lots of kiddos and tired parents. I know God always has a purpose for us where we are and this was a good reminder that we should seek how God can use us somewhere and not just what we get out of it. We’ve almost stopped going to church and it hasn’t been spiritually good for any of us. I miss christian fellowship and find it hard not to just give up finding a church. I really enjoy your blog. Nice to have someone else’s take on life with a large family. It’s not always easy but is definetly a blessing.
raisingcropsandbabies says
As with everything in life, it seems there are pros and cons to FIC and more mainstream churches. We’ve been to both, but seem to settle with the mainsteam ones. I grew up in a church where we were all together on Sunday night service and I got nothing out of having to sit with my parents… we made up games in our heads to pass the boredom (Pentecostal services can run 3 hours long). I did love worship though (pro). But I most remember Sunday morning kid’s church and Sunday School and Missionettes on Wednesday nights… when something is at your level more, you grasp it more and it seems so impactful. So we give our kids a choice if they want to sit with us or go to children’s church and they usually choose children’s church. Honestly, I really appreciate the break. I have lots of stair-step kids, no family around and a farmer as a husband so very little breaks, and to just sit and get to hear a message and let it soak in and just rest… I feel like I get fed and the kids get fed too (they do great about sending home devotionals and Scriptures to look up and discuss and I love that too).
It is important for kids to see their parents worship and pray and read the Bible, but I think it’s more meaningful and impactful when they see that consistently at home everyday. I do have several friends who go to FIC or keep their kids in service with them (and many in our congregation do as well!!!) and I like seeing that too. It’s good not to feel pressured or out of place when deciding what works for your family at church.
Nola says
I’m glad that you have found somewhere that works. We are also in a situation where we cannot find somewhere that even comes close to filling our desires for a church. We also cannot move. Its very obvious we are here for a reason. However we get so discouraged. The preaching is mostly fine and solid. The times it is not, its only because its a bit shallow, not because its wrong. The biggest (and its a very big problem) is the lack of fellowship. Its just not there. We are trying so hard to make it work and reach out but people are busy and uninterested. We have no family around either so we feel very fellowship-deprived. I don’t know what the answer is. It is very discouraging. However there isn’t anywhere else to go. The other churches in the area except one have poor teaching, and the only other one with okay teaching we discovered has this same problem. The one we go to at least has some other pluses that the other one doesn’t. Anyways…I hear you, I wish there were answers for this sort of thing. I am glad you feel welcomed though. That can make a big difference. Sometimes if I am already emotional that day I find I can’t go since I can’t stand the rejection on emotional days.
Megan says
A little off topic, but along similar lines… I’m curious to know how involved you are in serving in your church’s ministries? I have three young children and I just don’t feel like this is a season of life where I have a lot of time to give. Maybe I shouldn’t, but I’m constantly feeling judged and guilty for not helping out more. Sometimes I even wonder if all these church programs are necessary. Like we could come up with ideas for endless programs that are good, but is that what’s best? Are we just maxing ourselves out and giving into the temptation so prevalent in our culture to make ourselves feel productive and important? Maybe less is more? I don’t know. Just curious for your thoughts!
Amy says
I am not involved in a lot of things because I am in the stage of child rearing and simply cannot devote energy to that kind of work. But, I’m still doing God’s work and I’m still serving in a ministry – the ministry of my home. My responsibility is to these little people God has entrusted me with. I cannot neglect them in favor of a church ministry. Look for ways you can work as a family, but try not to feel guilty for not working in these other ministries – you already have a full time ministry. 🙂
Megan says
That’s my viewpoint too, but I feel so alone in it. It’s nice to hear from someone on my page! Thanks!
Ericca says
Our home church recently elected a new pastor and since then we have been undergoing a year so far of gradual changes. The most recent of which was to discontinue the children’s church classes during the preaching of God’s Word. We have SS classes for all ages, nursery up to adult, then we all join together for worship, prayer requests, and the message. We are happy about this change in our family, as we were continually conflicted on allow our children to go down to CC or to make them stay with us. It was causing issues as our kids would see all the other kids go and they felt left out. Other families are having a harder time adjusting as they felt it more needed to get their kids out of their hair for an hour. Our pastor and his wife bought inexpensive book bags and they filled them with paper, colored pencils, and a sharpener for all the kids and we had a special time where they had all the kids go down to the front rows and the pastor explained all the different things we do in church (communion, prayer requests, testimonies, preaching the word) at a very easy level and told the kids how important they are to our church family and that they have a responsibility to listen a and try to learn something from the preaching if they can and that it was okay to color and do something quiet if they are really little, but still listen to the scripture and soak up the general idea of what the message is about. This dovetails with what our feelings have been all along and now that all they kids stay upstairs with us, our kids have not asked once about CC, It has been a great change for us and where we wanted to be with training our children.
Lisa says
What a refreshing article!! There needs to be a balance and you just showed us that! We attended a FIC for 5 years and have left this year. I would be very very careful to attend one again unless they actually were what they say they are!
Lisa Pearce says
Encouraging read. We went to an FIC here in NZ…. I think it is the only one in NZ. It almost tore our family apart and yet some how they make you feel if you leave your children will fall away. Yet the problems it caused being there had more affect on our kids! Definitely good for some family’s ……. but if it’s not for your family leave straight away….. it will ruin you!
Trudy Pitts says
I find it very distracting to have young children being disruptive during the sermon. I know they are trying to train their child, but wait until they are at the appropriate age to be quiet and sit still. Maybe I just need to attend a traditional church.
Nick says
I’m glad you and your family found a church that worked for you. And I’m glad you did your due diligence when looking for a church. Ten kids is impressive, and it is awesome that you’re homeschooling. My wife homeschools four, and we currently attend a church that is not family integrated. My comment, however, is that your article has nothing to do with the Family Integration Model. In fact, you could replace FIC with nearly any qualifier (Baptist, Spanish, woman led, etc.) and these points would still stand.
A church is unable to keep out pedophiles (and I’m not sure they would want to, they are no more beyond God’s grace than myself), in fact an FIC would protect your child by keeping them with you.
Poor pastoring has become common across the board.
As has poor evangelistic efforts.
And every church has strife within the body.
None of this has anything to do with keeping your kids with you during the sermon, and not separating programs into age brackets.
The church has decided to resemble the culture, and become the same as public school. The comments in this very post reveal how very far even Christians who care enough about this topic to read this blog have fallen. Many want their kids “out of their hair,” others find kids distracting. So much for thinking of others as greater than ourselves.
All churches have all of these problems. This is not an issue with Family Integrated Churches, but an issue of a sinful, fallen world.
Craig Schill says
Thanks for your balanced post. I pastor a small church, planted 15 years ago. The FIC movement nearly tore our church apart. Some families adopted FIC values and began to push the church to change. They rejected our small groups, nursery, youth group, and children’s church. There was no room for tolerating those with different points of view. We also had conflict between our homeschool families and the few public school families who felt judged. I have PTSD from FIC. I have no issue with most of the tenants of FIC, and think there is wisdom in its model, and it is a correction to over-segregation in churches. But in the version I experienced was promoted with judgment for anyone not holding their viewpoint. I was blessed by the grace and tone in your post. May God bless you and your family.
Amy says
Thank you for taking the time to read, Craig! I am so sorry you served under such strife. Humility in Christ is so incredibly important. The type of disagreements you mentioned above only serve to stir up dissension,and that is the opposite of what Christ has called us to as a His Body! I am prayerful that we will get back to the foundations of our faith because I truly believe we are going to need each other in these coming days and we’ll need to get over petty arguments over preferences.