Something has been on my mind a lot lately. It’s the fact that I sort of “grew up” with my older homeschooled children and am finding it difficult to backtrack and join my younger crew on their homeschool journey. I have this dilemma because of the gap in ages between what I call my “Big Kids” and my “Middles”.
There is a nearly 3 year gap between our first child and our second child. There is a nearly 4 year gap between our second child and our third child. From there, it got crazy. I had 7 children in 10 years.
When I began homeschooling, I only had 2 children. I focused all of my homeschooling energy on those two little people. In fact, my oldest son still speaks fondly of the memories we made while doing our history lessons from Tapestry of Grace. As those two older children grew up, I grew with them. The lessons and unit studies, the projects and experiments were all brand new to them AND me. But, as my younger set has come along, I feel a little lost and terribly torn between two worlds…the young adult world and the elementary school world.
Dilemma #1
Learning to Let Go of the Reins
The first dilemma I have is that it is time for me to let go of the reins with the older two children. I don’t need to cater our history lessons to them anymore. The curriculum we use allows for them to learn on their own via living books and research projects. I do not need to read everything to them and micromanage their lessons…but I want to.
Dilemma #2
Homeschooling Isn’t About Me
Remember, I said I grew up with the older kids. I have learned more in the past 12 years of homeschooling than I ever learned in the 13 years I spent in public school. I am hungry to read what they are reading, learn what they are learning, and yes, even do the projects alongside them. But, this isn’t about me.
I can’t ignore the younger kids because I’m too busy studying my older kids’ lessons. I enjoy the memories with my big kids, but I need to make those same memories with my little kids. I need to take a step back and a step down, and focus on a new set of children.
Dilemma #3
Different Circumstances = Different Rules
You remember my confession from last week? How I used the words “I would never” with a mom of teens when I had no teens myself? Yeah, well this change in circumstances brings about way more than wishing you could take back words you never should have spoken. When it comes to age gaps, you find the rules of homeschooling change. (Actually, having teens and little ones in the house changes a lot of things…but that’s another post…)
I was hyper-focused with my big kids. I tried to cram so much stuff into a day, I met myself coming and going. My 6 year old had a rigorous schedule that rivaled prep school. I had all sorts of notions about what an elementary student needed to study, and I was determined to keep pace.
Fast forward a bit and you will see that the school day for my younger set is not nearly as busy as it was for my olders when they were that age. I have less hours to spend being hyper-focused with anyone, but even beyond that, I’ve matured as a homeschool mom, and realize young children do not need the rigor I once thought they needed. They need plenty of time to be creative, ask questions, and learn through observation.
But why is this a dilemma? Because it can lead to this…
Dilemma #4
Not Enough Focus
Because of all the things listed above, a homeschool family with age gaps (and frankly, even a homeschool family without age gaps) can fall into the trap of not doing much of anything with the younger children. Mom spends so much time focusing on the olders that the middles and littles get lost in the shuffle. Or mom is so busy carting the big kids to all their lessons and practices and clubs and classes that the younger set never get those same opportunities. Or perhaps mom is just plain worn out.
So, how does a homeschool mom remedy these issues?
Good question.
Honestly, I’m still working through all of this myself. I’d welcome any suggestions from readers who have walked this path before me, but here are a few things I have found that help to keep the age gap from becoming a black hole…
1. Guide your older children toward independence. In my ebook Large Family Homeschooling, I speak to the topic of teaching independence. This is so important! Not only does this help you as a homeschool mom to have the time to focus on the younger children, but it gives your older children much needed life skills. (My husband would much rather hire someone who knows how to work independently than one who needs a lot of hand-holding to get his or her work accomplished.)
2. Mom needs to learn to let go. You can train toward independence all you want, but if you don’t let go, your training is a farce. You have to be willing to let your older children do their school work on their own. If you feel they truly are not ready for independence, be diligent about working toward that. Start slowly and hand off one or two subjects to them. You might even consider (based on ability and personality) leading them toward independence by asking them to help teach a subject to the younger children. This gives them a project that requires them to plan and prepare, while helping you out as well.
3. Find curriculum that span multiple ages. When you have a curriculum that works for a wide variety of ages, you can often span the age gap by doing projects that speak to all ages. This is one reason I like Tapestry of Grace so much. I can give my older kids books and projects that are in line with our lesson while doing more hands-on teaching with the younger crew, but then we can all come together for a group event that combines what everyone is learning. (An example of this would be something like a Knight Party or Greek Supper.)
4. Plan the work and work the plan. In order to stay focused with the younger crew, I have to plan. After years of doing everything with my older kids, I can’t expect to refocus my attention on the younger kids automatically. I have to plan to do the lessons with the littles. I have to plan to give my older kids more independent work. I have to plan my day out in a way that accounts for the age gaps, and allots appropriate time for both the bigs and the littles. It’s not easy, but it is necessary.
Now, I would love to hear some specifics of what you’ve done in your homeschool to help bridge the age gaps, how you’ve handled having these gaps, and any other questions or comments you might have on this topic!
Stacey says
Yes, with a 10 year age gap between my oldest and youngest, especially now that the oldest is in college. I find myself thinking I have already done that field trip and my youngest will remind me he was in a stroller and does not remember…oops. So I am trying to find the excitement to repeat a lot of things.
Amy says
Have you found it difficult to muster up as much enthusiasm the second time around? I need to find a way to make this all fresh for me and them!
Suanna says
Amy, I have a gap between my oldest three and youngest three. I’ve been thinking along the same lines and just trying to fit “pre-school” back in since Christmas has been a struggle. They want it; I want it, but I don’t seem to get around to having it ready come Monday morning. The lessons we do only take about 30 minutes. The curriculum I use works to guide my older kids toward independence and the oldest two are well on their way, my middle child needs a little more guidance, but she’s getting there. I’m interested in knowing what you find out and how it works into your days.
Jessica says
I too have a hard time prepping the preschool stuff and I think it’s because it takes so much more time and effort up front. Nap times no longer overlap for all of my littles and I crash once they do!
Amy says
Ty and I are spending a lot of time brainstorming and discussing and then trying different things. I’ve had a couple of really productive days, so I’m hoping I’m on the right track with this. I’ll let you know!
CW says
I’d love to hear any solutions you find. I have a high school senior and a preschooler with four kids in between. We have lots of gaps!
Amy says
Lots of brainstorming going on here for sure! I’m sure there will be a follow up post!
Frangipani Bloomfields says
How blessed you are to have this opportunity. You have had the fun and freshness with your older children and now the opportunity to improve and do the things you wished you had done the first time around.
Ask your older children’s opinions on how that unit study, excursion etc have been improved. Treat it a bit like “Ground Hog Day” the chance to perfect what may not have been.
Enjoy!
Amy says
Great idea!
Jen says
Hi everyone! I have a 13yr old & a 4yr old. I also had a foster daughter, now 24. Age gaps are something very familiar. My best advice would be that older kids offer a tremendous amount of creativity, fun, & a passion for “teaching” things they love to the younger ones. Use their strengths to your advantage by letting them take over a topic that they already enjoy. Then give them the resources & the space to do it their way. (Don’t hover… Don’t criticize. Gently offer advice, not instructions. I have to bit my tongue often!) Both kids will gain so much from this. My biggest mistake is holding the elders mistakes against the younger child. (She was a bit wild when we got her so this is very hard for me.) Also, if you have never read about “birth order” psychology it is worth the time to learn what to pay special attention to. 🙂
Laurie says
Great idea, to have the older ones become the teachers!
Rebecca says
We have gaps too. My first two were 12 months apart. They are now 18 (finishing first year of college) and 17 (will graduate in Dec). Then a 3 1/2 year gap. Then 5 more in 7 years. They are now 13/8th grade, 12/7th grade, 9/4th grade, 7/2nd grade, 5/K. Then a 4 year gap and now two more – ages 2 yesterday and due in June.
I’ve trained the olders to be independent. It became a necessity as our 5 year old was born with brain cancer requiring a lot of my time and energy. I find that it is too hard for me to jump back into their schooling now (although I help if needed, of course).
The next two are mostly trained. Again this became a necessity.
So I’m mostly focused on my youngers. The issue I’m finding is that I’m bored with the curriculum and teaching. I’ve now done all this with my olders and don’t want to re-read the books again yet. I’ve decided at this point that it’s worth a bit more money to buy new books on the topics so I want to read again. It is helping.
As far as the independence training: I found that holding on to the 1-2 things I really enjoyed with them helped. So for me that was literature. I still read aloud a lit book at breakfast even to my college age son when he’s home. We just have different books going for different groups of kids (one for the youngest 6 at home, 1 for the youngest 7, 1 for everyone). This helped me to feel like we still had something to enjoy as a family and something that I did with my older crew.
I’ve thought about making a list of subjects/topics (like history – ancient, middle ages, modern) and checking each kid off when they’ve covered it so I make sure no one gets lost in the shuffle. I’ve been realizing too that the list needs to include real life like baking, chores, etc.
So much juggling!
Amy says
I’m struggling with not wanting to re-read books too! And yes, juggling is very much the right word!
Melanie says
This relates not so much to gaps but to managing older and younger students. I’ve heard other moms mention that their youngers seem to fall through the cracks while focusing on older ones, but when I was growing up it was the other way around. I’m the oldest of 9 and was homeschooled all the way through. My mom and I both agree that I could have benefited from a bit more attention when I was older. I was a very “mature” firstborn and worked very independently while she was busy teaching all the younger ones. But I also wasted time, cut corners, etc because my mom was pretty distracted. It all worked out of course, and I don’t think I suffered majorly because of it, but I certainly could have benefited from more hands on supervision and accountability. I just wanted to mention that depending on the situation and the personality of the mother and children it can also become unbalanced in the other direction.
Jessica says
I really appreciate this reminder! I find myself skimming over my eldest sons work if I look at it at all because he’s very much as you describe yourself. I have to remember he’s just a kid too!
Amy says
Absolutely I could see this happening. I’ve heard of homeschool moms doing a weekly “meeting” with each of their independent students to see where they are and make sure they are on track.
Tiana says
I’m right there with you, Amy, even though I don’t yet have any teens, and my children are spaced pretty equally. I have really enjoyed homeschooling myself as I’ve homeschooled my older children. However, I too am learning to let my older children take the reigns of their own education. I need to focus on my 1st grader more, while still having time to chase the littles. My 1st grader’s school day is so much simpler, and more peaceful. I was trying to do way too much with my older children, and even then, I felt I wasn’t doing enough. This life stage of having three “sets” of children–bigs, middles, and littles, is easier in some ways than when everyone was little (wow, was I tired!), but it does pose it’s own challenges. Thanks for the encouragement!
Amy says
Yes, I don’t feel nearly as tired as I did when they were all littles, but it really is stretching and growing me as a mama to have the wide range of ages!
Dana says
I’m eager to read more suggestions in the comments as I have just started homeschooling, taking my 4-year-old and 2-year-old through the same curriculum this year (with different expectations), and as I am thinking about how our home school life will look next year with a kindergartener, 3-year-old, 2-year-old, and an infant (due in March). I worry about holding the older one back and having enough energy to be a good teacher for everyone.
Amy says
Dana,
At the age your children are, I would focus on giving your youngers “projects” that don’t require too much of you and keeps them busy while you focus on your oldest. Kindergarten really doesn’t take all that long (the actual seatwork) and the extras can include all the children.
P Smith says
I have 4: 15, 13, 6, & almost 4. I laugh about my “bookends”! Worrying about college on one end and potty training on the other! My littles have a very different childhood than the bigs – gymnastics? art class? music class? naw. Schlepping around with the older kids’ schedule? Yup. Much more relaxed homeschooling for littles than their older sibs had? Yup. It’s the season I’m in, and I know my littles will get much more of my focus when they are teens and their older siblings are starting families of their own.
Jodie says
I was raised in a family with large age gaps and we were homeschooled. There were 5 of us kids and I was eleven years older than my youngest brother. The five kids are G (2yrs) B (4yrs) B (3 years) G (2 yrs) B. Due to when birthdays fall and my graduating early I was a freshman in college when my brother was starting Kindergarten. When I was a teenager there were preschoolers in the house, which meant that the house rules were different than when there were only teenagers left in the house. As adults we now joke that the youngest two kids were raised in a very different family than the oldest two, but we all recognize how God used our birth order and family circumstances in our lives. I do remember being very independent in my high school years, which was a huge advantage when I went to college.
Amy says
Great insight!
monica says
Oh! what a great post!! I have had the same issues–I have 3 graduated but have an adult child with down syndrome/autism, a 15 year old who struggles with learning and a 6 year old who is ready to take on the world. My son with d.s. asd takes a lot of time and needs things to do, but is very limited on what is engaging–I tend to expect my 15 year old to work independently. I do read alouds like from “five in a row” , with my 6 year old. We are still scrambling–I can’t seem to get a routine together and we have medical and therapy appts. that break up the day—I just keep moving ahead and ask for much grace–If we have read aloud, gotten outside and completed math.I call that a good school day!!
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Vivian Mcwhiney says
Wow is like you were reading my mind ,lol
I want first to thank you for your diligence and obedience to the Lord , He certainly uses you in a big way,
This is something that i have being praying about and seeking wisdom.
I receive your post as a confirmation to things the Lord has being showing me. .
I have 7 kids and will be having #8 in May
So in May i will have from 13 to 0.
We homeschool using Classical Conversations so next year everything changes ,for the first time we can see the different stages . Being Honest i am so nerves and a little worry .lololo
Heather@To Sow a Seed says
Oh, how I get this! The homeschool adventure my olders have/had is far different from what my littles are enjoying. In some ways, it’s better. In others, not so much. I keep reminding myself that God knew… and try not to stress!
K Ellis says
This is something that has come up for me having older and younger children who all need me as their teacher. I have struggled this year with how to find the time to enjoy some of those pre-school/early elementary experiences with my younger kids since I don’t have the same amount of freedom with my time that I enjoyed when there were only 2 or 3 kids around. One thing I found, quite by accident, is that when my older three are at piano lessons ( I drop them all off at the same time) I can have some time devoted to the younger set. We have an hour and a half to play at the park together, do something for letter of the week, etc. I know that this is not a feasible option for all, but having some special time with my littles has helped us make memories together. I look forward to reading more about what works for your family.
Amy says
That’s a great way to use that time with your youngers!
Amy says
Amy, thank you for posting this and to all those who commented.
Next fall I will begin Pre-K with our 4 year old daughter and our son will be just a few months old. This gap doesn’t seem so big (granted the baby isn’t here yet) but when I looked ahead and realized I will have a 4th grader and one in Kinder in a few years made me panic a little. Thank you for all of your wisdom and insight – knowing so many are doing it makes me feel calm. Praise the Lord for good encouragement!
Lauren says
I appreciate your thoughts here. Specifically – though I understand if you’re hesitant to suggest curricula – what sorts of curricula have you found really helpful in encouraging them towards independence? We use – and love – Tapestry of Grace, and I really appreciate your honest appraisal of desiring to learn along with your oldest but needing to turn them loose. I’ll need to remind myself of that when we hit upper dialectic and rhetoric! But we’re still “kissing frogs” when it comes to math and grammar curricula. I’m trying to find, specifically for grammar, a program that allows us to convene/teach one day per week and utilizes drills and practice independently for the other days, and I’ve yet to find our “prince.” Do you have any specific recommendations for curricula – for any subject – that help you toward this?
Amy says
I use Horizons Math for my youngers. This is what we’ve used for years now, and I like it. As for grammar…ugh. I have a degree in English, which could be why nothing suits. Honestly, I’m not sure I can promote grammar in the early years. I love the written word, and I feel like the mechanics can be taught rather quickly at an older age (jr. high/high school) when you are less likely to squash the enjoyment of writing and reading.
Lauren says
Ha, yes I too, am an Anglophile and grammar pedant. I was musing this very morning over how long it might be before I will feel I have the time to write my own grammar curriculum, even if only for my own babes. 😉 Thank you, I will look into Horizons for math!
Ava says
It’s so encouraging to read that you say you’ve grown up! I know, in the five years I’ve been married I have grown a lot but I still have so much more growing to do.
Lisa says
This post is like so many yours, where I have had these exact same thoughts running through my brain, and your post makes it all make sense to me. Our kids are 16, 12, 10, 8 and 6, and I have realized lately that I really need to focus more on schoolwork with our younger kids as well. Our older 2 thrive on working independently, so I need to let them do that- check in with them, but create new memories with our younger children. Can you recommend some curriculum that works well with large families? We have tried a couple, but both were just too time consuming. Great post Amy!
Lisa says
By curriculum, I mean science/ history/ Bible ones like Tapestry of Grace. 🙂
Amy says
I would suggest tweaking (heavily at times) to make the curriculum the right one. We don’t do TOG the way it is written. It is a guideline.
Jodie says
This post really interested me but from a different angle. We took our children out of school a year ago (12, 10, 8 year olds) and have since added two more to the homeschool team (6 and 5 year olds). With a three year old and a new baby, things are a little bit chaotic at times as I struggle to find a groove and mix home and schooling together. I have found more of an affinity to my younger ones work – probably because I am building them “from the ground up”. I feel a little bit detached from my older kids’ learning as school had already set the foundation (and done a pretty good job). I feel like a bit of a fraud – cashing in on the initial work that school did. Thankfully, after this last year, the children are “deschooled” and I’ve found their individual levels of understanding. February is the start of the school year here in New Zealand and I am determined to improve this year. In spite of the chaos, I know this is the right path for us.
Amy says
Welcome home! I’m sure you will enjoy the journey immensely!
shiloh says
I can already feel myself growing as a person while I am “teaching” my four year old.
Amy says
It only gets better!
Cecilia says
I really appreciated this post. It is something that needs addressed in our home with a wide range of ages, and a 5.5 year gap between “sets”. I look forward to the follow-up post. This is the reason I follow your blog. Your posts are relevant, thought-provoking, and helpful to my life. Thank you! 🙂
Amy says
Thank you, Cecilia! I just write about where I am. 🙂
Vickie says
This is so true for this season of my life. My children are 20, 17, 13, and 6. The oldest two are independent. The 13 and 6 yr olds have very different needs right now. It is a challenge.
Anna Mary says
Oh my goodness do we have gaps! My oldest is 21 married and I have an adorable 9 month old grandson. My next is 19 in college and then I have a 15 year old. Now this is where it gets crazy. My next child is 7 years old, Then there’s more after him. I’ve had 6 kids in the last 7 years. So a total of 9 ages 21 to 5 months old. When it comes to the little ones I don’t have the zip, now that I’m 40, that I had with their older siblings. I am using a curriculum that’s not on the market yet, but will be soon and it’s working great. It’s a one room schoolhouse type of learning.
Amy says
Sounds exciting! I am a big fan of one room schoolhouse learning. 😉
Tonya says
After some contemplating I just signed up our 11 year old for VP self paced history lessons. I am using VP phonics Museum, Latina Chritiana, IEW, and read aloud most days to our younger children. I’m hoping the online class will help us enjoy history again!
We had a rough time since I had a full hysterectomy last August. 8 children in 17 years has forced me to read aloud a lot of books! We are enjoying audio books again ( Your Story Hour)
Mallory says
Love this article! I only have one child and she’s only 13 months old. We are a military family, and I will be homeschooling my children. Spacing my children is something I think about almost daily. What is the perfect age gap in your opinion?
Reggie says
Reading, writing and math are all done independently from about second grade on here. I’m available to answer questions and offer guidance, of course, but they can pretty much do these subjects themselves by that age. Science and History are done as a group, only going in depth when extra interest is shown. I made up my own ‘system’ for teaching Bible memory, recitation, Spanish and ASL, all of which are also done as a group on a daily rotating schedule. While I don’t have huge age gaps, I have found that focusing the majority of emphasis on the independent subjects and keeping everything else simple is working really well thus far. We’re doing 4th, 3rd, 1st and preschool/K this school year. Well, if I did actual grades, that’s where they’d be. 😉