It has been seven years.
Seven long years since I held a baby girl.
Seven short years since my last little girl left this earth.
This year, I grieve hard. Harder than I have in a long time.
You would think that having a baby girl after all this time would be such a joy.
It is.
But, it is also difficult. It brings up emotions that have spent seven years lying dormant. Many of those emotions hurt.
I wish I could explain it, but there are no words layered enough to describe where I am.
It’s a pain amidst joy.
It’s an ache amidst blessing…
as I hold one daughter and grieve another.
(To read more about our little Emily, visit my Grieving Mother page.)
Michelle says
My friend, who is dying of cancer, calls this perfectly, painful delight. http://trustinggodwithmyfuture.blogspot.ca/2015/02/purely-painful-delight.html?m=1
Thank you for sharing.
Desiree says
Amy, I couldn’t have said it better myself. During my fourth pregnancy we lost our 1st son when I was 22 wks pregnant and almost lost my life as well. 5 years later our 2nd son was born. We had 3 girls at the time. While I was so joyful and he instantly held my heart in a way the girls never had I mourned the loss of our first baby boy all over again. That sweet boy who I had only gotten to hold for a few moments after he had went to be with the Lord. I relived in my head all the missed moments, the missed memories, the missed love. And to be honest my son just turned 3 and I still experience those feelings every once in a while. It will hit me…..I wonder what he would be like now….you are in my thoughts and prayers as you enjoy that sweet new baby and mourn your sweet one in heaven! The song we played at my son’s funeral that I listen to every once in a while when I am struggling and it seems to help is “Held” by Natalie Grant.
Miriam says
Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted. Matthew 6. I can only imagine the joy and pain you must be experiencing. Lifting you up in prayer.
Theresa says
Hello Amy!
I always read your blog,as a homeschool mom myself it’s refreshing to share such a journey with so many moms. The only thing that separates us is grieving the loss of a child. 10yrs ago we had to take our youngest child( and only son) off of life support. He was always so sick,but we never expected him to die. I still cry because I miss him so much. 2yrs after he left we welcomed a new little baby boy in our lives. What an emence joy he brought,but also sorrow. The way you described it is exactly how we all feel. I read your story about your child and realized I’m not alone like I thought. Your little sweet blessing is so beautiful,God bless you! If you ever want to talk I’m here.
Theresa
rebecca says
Dear Amy,
What can I say? Only God can hold you in your pain and joy. He understands both when many of us can not. So I simply pray for your hurting heart 🙂
rebecca says
I did not mean to add that emoticon- it doesn’t fit the sincerity I intended!
Amanda says
In a very real way you are blessed with this cross. Like the center of the cross, at the center of two opposites lies the heart of our Lord. The cross is a symbol of the joy and pain you are experiencing. It is a paradox. It is the place where we “take up our cross and follow Him.” I have often thought that right in the center of the two extremes, joy and suffering, is where we can be emptied of ego and experience Love. God’s perfect work is marvelous…we stand in awe.
Cheryl Smith says
Oh, Amy! Bless your dear, hurting heart! May Jesus hold you extra-close during this bittersweet season! I am praying for you.
Christine says
I’m so sorry for you loss and your pain. May you find comfort in our Lord Jesus.
Jen says
It’s so bittersweet isn’t it. The memories of Emily must be difficult, but what a gift Aspen has given to bring those memories back to the forefront again, when it must have felt so long since you’d remembered her so well.
We lost our son Griffin in labour in August 2012. In September 2013 I gave birth to our son Caleb. I don’t normally get my period back for over a year while breastfeeding, so I know without a doubt that Caleb would not be here if Griffin had not died. How I dearly wish I could have both sons with me today, but I focus on the gift. How truly blessed we were to know Griffin for as long as we did, to have pictures, to have had the chance to hold him. How great a gift he gave us in Caleb, who I cannot imagine life without. And how rich we will be in heaven.
Praying for you sweet mama as you walk this road.
Michele @ Family, Faith and Fridays says
I cannot even imagine how difficult a journey! Hugs and many prayers for you, Amy
Lisa says
Bless your heart! Praying for extra grace for you!
Kimberly D says
Oh Amy, I am praying for your aching heart. I can only imagine…
Noreen says
Amy,
As a mother who has been there, I understand those feelings of pain and loss that are so deep there are no words. I too have been blessed, beyond measure or my wildest dreams, in that God gave us other children after He called our baby son home. I have two handsome sons who are now grown and in their 20’s (how did that happen so quickly?!) I have 3 beautiful teenage daughters. As special as each of these blessings are, they do not erase the memory, nor take the place of, my sweet little angel that I was only able to hold for a few short moments. The angel who kicked around inside me for 9 months, only to never take that first breath. Yes, God is good even in the midst of such pain because a pain so deep leaves me no where to go but to HIM for comfort ~ comfort in knowing He gave HIS Son so I can one day see my son again. But on this side of eternity, it is an ache that leaves a hole in a mothers heart. Yes, we still grieve even 18 years later. But we thank God for the blessing of each of our children, whether here with us or waiting for us at HOME. Praying for you as you go down this same road {{HUGS}}
Josi says
Thank you for sharing your heart Amy. It seems as though grief is full of different layers so it’s normal and okay for you to be feeling these things. Our loving Father will not leave you nor forsake you as you move forward within this new layer of grief. But with each layer of grief there is another layer of healing. Beyond this new layer of healing is a new layer of ministry. Keep meditating on His Word…..
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”
Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
Isaiah 43:2 “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.”
Psalm 18:28 “You, Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.”
Psalm 73:26 “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”
Psalm 22:24 “For he has not despised or scorned the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help.”
Psalm 18:2 “The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”
Mrs H says
Dear sweet amy,
Seven has such beautiful Biblical significance. As i read your post today, i am reminded of God’s faithfulness. Ecclesiastes.. a time for everything and every purpose. May you embrace God’s beautiful timing as your precious new girl helps salve your soul.
Thank you for sharing your journey.
Sara_M says
I know exactly. I’ve been there – except my baby was a boy, not a girl. I can still remember looking at my son when he was around 4 months old and being so overwhelmed with the love I felt for him, and desperately aching in pain at the same time because another son I loved just as much was gone. That 4 month old little boy turned 8 yrs old 3 days ago. My other son has been with Jesus for over 11 yrs. The intensity of love magnifies the intensity of our pain – which came as a result of intense love. I glanced in Ecclesiastes the other day at a verse I had highlighted. My bible isn’t with me at the moment, but it’s at the end of chp 1 or beg of chp 2 mentioning how with wisdom is much sorrow. How muh is learned through pain… May our Lord comfort you today as you grieve for Emily. It’s because of your posts about her that I found your blog, while stilll trying to cope with the pain I carried for so long all over my heart.
Gabby@MamaGab says
Yes. Just yes. This makes perfect sense to me that your sweet baby girl would also bring to mind the trauma of losing your other sweetheart. And it makes sense with how we grieve. New life situations can easily bring back grief. And really, how can one ever fully get over losing a baby?? I’ll be praying for you, that you can continue enjoying this blessing while still fully grieving your loss.
Michelle says
I have read your blog for awhile but never commented. Today I read this and wanted you to know how your story had moved me. I have felt like I need to spend more time and love on my children, but often struggle to do so. I know that remembering your story and your daughter will inspire me to always love my children as greatly as I can.
I pray that you will find God’s grace and strength to enjoy Aspen without fear or too much hurting, while remembering the sweet blessings of Emily’s time with your family here. You are clearly such a strong woman, and I know your love for your family will carry you all through with God’s provisions.
Angie says
Thinking of you and your family.
prayers and hugs
Kelly says
your in my thoughts and prayers…and HUGS
Tammie says
Those of us who have lost understand. I got to rock my first grandchild to sleep last night and held those sweet, little chubby hands, soaked in that precious, velvety skin and felt so completely blessed to have the opportunity to be in this place, holding this child, but I suppose my mama’s heart will always have a hole in it just our Abigail’s size. Bless you.
Jamie says
After losing my daughter (her 8th birthday would be tomorrow), I got pregnant relatively quickly (8 weeks later) and the whole time I had this nagging feeling, especially when I left the hospital with my sweet little guy (my daughter died shortly after birth). The feeling was unlike anything I could express or explain, I reached out for words, but to no avail… Well within this past year, I read a book, I am forever grateful for, it’s called: “An Exact Replica Of A Figment Of My Imagination” by Elizabeth McCracken. Her words and ability to convey her thoughts through her loss were the words I needed to read, unfortunately, I didn’t read them until this year, but it helped me grieve a little bit more fully, and grasp with more clarity the things I was feeling. Her approach is not from a biblical one, and therefore I feel that I need to inform of some fowl language that is used, but in the moments that she uses them, you feel her pain, which helps to stoke up those long buried feelings that might be laying dormant… I hope you take a look at it, and I hope it helps. Somehow. In some way.
And just know that what you are feeling is so natural, and in no way does it take from your baby girl today– she reminds you of her big sister, and your heart bursts with excitement in sharing her those thoughts, but your heart aches because there’s “a story” that goes with it… That doesn’t end so well. Cherish these moments as best you can, because you’re experiencing Emily’s presence with each aching moment, and it’s sort of like a two for one… You are holding a vibrant little baby today, but you are also holding a part of your dear Emily as well… May her spirit ever remind you just how close she is.
Susan says
I am so sorry that you are hurting and feel so sad for you. Just know you are in my thoughts and I pray you can feel Gods hands holding you. I know you feel blessed and love your new little girl. Just know you are loved by an amazing God. And I know all those children and husband of yours love you dearly. Sending a big hug your way. ??
Susan says
Those question marks were suppose to be a heart emoticon. Sorry about that.
Pamela Leding says
My heart goes out to you Amy! What a trial for all of you!! Emily was quite a blessing!! <3
Angela says
You have been an encouragement to me over the past few years, and though we have never met and likely never will I feel like you are a friend. I will be praying for you as I am sure will many others.
Jessica says
Amy, I just started reading your blog in the last year, so I was unfamiliar with your whole story. I can only imagine the mix of pain and joy you are going through. I’m praying that God will comfort you and help you to enjoy your sweet little one.
Tamara says
I’m praying for you Amy, that Aspen would continue to provide joy and comfort even
as feelings from the past are brought up. And that you will feel Gods prescence very clearly as you move through this part of your grief journey. Emily was such a blessing and how wonderful that you know where she is and that someday you’ll see her again, and never have to say goodbye again.
We lost our infant son last November and we are desiring another baby so badly, but are
also scared by the feelings that will bring up. I’ve taken comfort from reading your words and the words from the women commenting.
Celina says
I am so thankful for you sharing your experience. I had a stillborn at 38 weeks in 2011. A little less than a year later, another daughter was born to us, and 18 months later another son. I had peace after losing our son Timothy because I knew he was safe in the arms of Jesus, but lately I have found it strange how I am grieving for him. Several of my close friends recently found out they are expecting and I was hoping I was too, but not this time. Reading your post and the comments of others has helped me realize I am not alone in this experience and that it is ok to grieve and cry out to the Lord when my heart is hurting. This has been healing for me. Thank you.
Amy says
((HUGS))