I put him in the swing outside today…she never did that.
He is beginning to roll…she never did that.
She never crawled, or walked, or talked, or celebrated a birthday.
I am crushed despite the head knowledge that Heaven is so much more than these earthly milestones. Sometimes I can only think with my heart.
The bizarre, flip-side of this is the feeling that it is wrong for Micah to be doing these things. There are times I wish I could just fast-forward, get past his 1st birthday and go from there. I am cherishing him, but continually grieving through it all.
Every now and then I think Micah is a girl. I still long for a baby girl. I fear the Lord will never give me another. Please don’t think I don’t love my little boy. I do. Dearly. He is a dear, sweet blessing to me; a healing balm…not a bandaid, that covers the wound, but a balm that acknowledges the wound is still there.
Melia talks a lot of Emily and compares Micah to her. As I was writing this, she said to him, “When Emily was little, she was just the size of you.” Then, she looked at me and says, “Micah says he doesn’t know who Emily is.” “Then, we must make sure to tell him about her,” I replied. She often acts as if Emmy is still right here with us. It is very precious to me.
It is the beauty of those moments that counteracts the utter horror of others. A few days ago, I put Micah in a purple towel after his bath and when I laid him on the bed I had to quickly get the towel off of him and out of my site. I could not help but see Emily lying there when she was so very tiny as I took pictures of her to document her weight “gain”…but she never did gain.
There are other times when I hear the usual infant noises and find myself sucking air in fear. I panic at the slightest anything that doesn’t sound quite right to me.The panic has spread to my older children who hear my fright when Micah makes a noise I don’t recognize from the car seat. “Is Micah OK?!” I shout. They panic and scramble to check on him. I live in a state of forever telling myself to CALM DOWN.
The worst thing about this “new grief” is the fact that Emmy is beginning to fade. I can no longer “feel” her in my arms. I cannot see her as vividly. I’m beginning to see her in still frames. Just bits and pieces…not whole storylines. I hate that. Yes, it means the memories are less intense, but it feels as though I am losing the only thing I have left…the memories of her. I am caught between not wanting to miss her so much and not wanting to not miss her.
Since the one year anniversary, I’ve grieved less and less on these pages; however, I’ve found that with time grief becomes less about crying and more about remembering and working through the aftermath of your new reality. It’s tough to do that on paper (or keyboard) because it just happens. One moment I am doing dishes, the next I am struggling with a gripping fear. I pray my way through it and eventually find myself on the other side.
It is there that I hug my living children a little tighter, praise the Lord for them and my little Emmy, and ask a special favor that if at all possible could Emily know how much she is loved and missed.
Deedee says
This is all so natural to feel. You are doing great with dealing with it all! The Father helps us so much, but at the end of the day we are still human with very human feelings and reactions.I know this kind of fear and grief and guilt from miscarriage. Once you have a miscarriage, no pregnancy after that is the same. I needed to have extra visits to the midwife just to hear the heartbeat and know it was still going. If I went a few hours without movement I was panicked. When the baby arrives it feels sometimes like the ‘wrong’ baby, because someone else should have arrived first and didn’t. Like you said you love the one you have with all that is in you, but ‘something’ still isn’t right somehow. Personally, I don’t think it can ever feel ‘right’ again after you loose a child. There is a new kind of normal. (((HUGS))) – Deedee
Lilyofthevalley - Tanya says
((((hugs))))Praying the Lord will continue to carry you through. Praise God for the Hope we have in Him!
Lynnette Kraft says
Each day holds something new doesn’t it? Just remember that it’s all steps towards healing. Eventually you’ll be completely on the other side. When I say that I don’t mean that you won’t think of Emily or long for Emily, but you won’t have the desperate fears and you won’t have the the deep pain. While your lives are forever changed, they will feel “normal” again one of these days.I know we’ve talked about this before (and likely will again), but I just feel compelled to encourage you this morning.I love this verse that I just read in the Psalms.“Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord.” PRAISING GOD for the hope that we have in him.Love you friend,Lynnette
Fruitful Harvest says
Oh girl!You are in my prayers! I may not have come by as often as I once was but you never left my prayers each day!I know God will bless you with another girl one day….he knew a boy would be best for you this last time around. (I can’t belive how much he looks like Emily though.)Blessings and prayers,Georgiann
Kristy says
This is such a tender and emotional post. Once again, words cannot describe what I feel when I read your words – or they would all come out the wrong way.Praying for you as you continue to grieve your beautiful baby girl, and as you experience new pleasures/treasures and firsts with your beautiful baby boy.
Sandi says
Oh Amy, so much in this post.
I still can be gripped with that fear and Jonah will be gone 8 years this April. I remember my next child was a boy and EVERYTHING he did brought up the loss we had faced. Even today…when my son Issac (6yrs) learned to ride a bike it brought it all back. Jonah never learned to ride a bike. the below quote is SO true.
“I am crushed despite the head knowledge that Heaven is so much more than these earthly milestones. Sometimes I can only think with my heart.”
Thanks for sharing this grief journey…..and I would never think for a minute that you don’t love your son. It just intensifies your love for him not the other way around.
Blessings