This past weekend, our family went “home.” It was a beautifully cool and rainy weekend, and I took the time to really breathe deep and refresh.
Over the past several years I’ve become increasingly restless. I’ve struggled to feel content, but I was always able to push the discontent below surface. In the past several months, I have no longer been able to do even that. It just keeps bubbling up.
This past weekend, as we drove home, the frustrations bubbled over, and I reeled off my troubles as my husband clicked off the miles. What was supposed to be a pleasant drive suddenly become unbearable. We were at odds because I was at odds inside myself, and as I sat there in the uncomfortable silence that followed my tirade, I began to gain clarity that would extend throughout the rest of the weekend as we visited friends and family and said our final goodbyes to a dear friend who will soon be passing on.
I was waiting for my life to go back to the way it used to be.
I was treading water, and slowly drowning with each paddle. This weekend, God drug me to shore, and with a gasping breath, I finally moved forward.
This is where I have landed. Even though I look back fondly at my life 10 years ago, I am not there anymore, and it is quite possible I never will be again. I can’t live there when I really live here. I have spent years trying to go back. I wanted to relive those years, but in the process I’ve been missing the blessings of the present.
I’m an introvert, so moving a lot and trying to “fit in” in each new city we land in has been way outside my comfort zone. I never land softly; it’s always with bumps and bruises and broken pieces. But, I realized this weekend it is because I am constantly trying to go the opposite direction of where God is leading.
So, I’m starting to consider what changes need to be made in my life as I learn to bloom where I’ve landed. I’ve begun to do some decorating that I’ve neglected to do around here. I’m enjoying the current moment instead of anticipating the next moment. I’m slowing down. I’m noticing things and people around me.
It’s going to take time to relearn this “blooming” thing. But, I am eager and ready!
How about you? Ever had trouble learning to bloom? Ever feel like you are living in the past? Ever wish you were in different circumstance instead of being content where you are?
Stephanie says
Very good. Sometimes I feel like I’m living for the future. Planning for the next thing to come rather than enjoying what I have right now. It is good to plan but for me I need to step back and focus on the right now sometimes and how I can live in and minister in the today.
Melissa says
You could have written this post for me. I’ve been waiting 13 years now to move back to my home state. 🙁 I don’t know when, if ever, it will happen.
I look forward to reading about your journey to bloom where you’re planted.
Amy says
Awww, it’s hard, isn’t it? I just can’t keep thinking we’ll go back there. Time to enjoy where I am!
audria says
I understand how you feel in some ways. I told my husband just the other day about how restless I am feeling. I grew up a military kid and never learned to lay roots. Every four years I have this deep urge to move and change everything. We feel kinda the same way except for opposite reasons! I need to learn to bloom where I’ve landed and not wish for the wind to carry me elsewhere…
Thank you for sharing.
olivia sudduth says
I am right there with you.
Restlessness has caused much anxiety
and I am always seeking a new thing or adventure to calm this feeling.
I need to learn contentment.
Amy says
I have the same issue as well. Only it’s about every 2-3 years I feel like it is time to move. However, I keep thinking with each move we might get closer to home. Gotta learn to change that thinking!
Dana C. says
Thank you so much for this timely post. I also struggle with this same issue. I would love to turn the clock back 2 1/2 years and be where we were at in life. I need to relearn this blooming thing and be content where we are at. Right now it is a big struggle to let go. Thanks for the encouragement.
Sandy says
I too have trouble being fully in the present. It seems I am always looking backward and forward, but rarely now-ward 😀 Some nights I have trouble sleeping because I am fretting about the house we left 9 years ago. We lost one home to a crook and another to a foreclosure, and now (after 17 years of marriage) we are renting for the first time… in a tiny duplex with inconsiderate neighbors and a leaky side door. One of the hardest parts is, with my only child now officially in (homeschool) high school, my dream of having more children seems to be slipping away.
Missing the past, questioning our decisions, trying to plan for the future, all of this is a big distraction from the now. But I’m working on it. Maybe I’ll take the kiddo to the Farmers Market this morning for a little outing 🙂
Amy says
Did you enjoy your morning? 😉
Sandy says
sadly we did not make it to the Farmer’s Market, but we did meet up for lunch with some ladies from church so it was fun 🙂
Jessica says
Oh Amy! It’s like you peered right into my heart to find today’s post! How I wish I knew you IRL! This has been my struggle also. I long to go back to “those days, and that place”, even though I know if I did, nothing would be the same because everyone that was a part of that place and time in my life has moved on. (Not from me, just in general. Life goes on.) Forming new relationships in new places has become increasingly more difficult as the years go on; and I think in my case also, it didn’t help that we had some extremely unhealthy relationships the last place we lived. I am finding myself more and more bitter and have built up walls to protect myself. My guard will go up over any little perceived offense, then I take a few steps back to keep from “getting too close”!
You used the word “restless”; which perfectly describes how I am feeling. We have been in this place about a year and a half, just moved into our brand new built home in January, were blessed with baby #8 at the end of last year, (who, by the way, has been a balm to my soul! God spoke to me after our ultrasound–well anyway, that is a whole other story!) We are near family for the first time in our married lives–it’s everything we have wanted; and yet, my husband comes home and tells me of yet another job offer he has had somewhere else and I immediately start looking at houses and daydreaming in my head of what I think it would be like! The restlessness gets the better of me sometimes and then I am living in the “now”, I’m living in the “what could be.” How ridiculous is that?! Then I wonder to myself if the restlessness is because there is change coming and I am not to get too comfortable (which has been the case in the past; it’s like God was telling me things were going to be happening and to be prepared!), or if I am really just being discontent.
Hugs and prayers to you; I know what you are feeling!
Jessica says
Oops! That was supposed to say “then I am NOT living in the ‘now’, I’m living in the ‘what could be'”
Amy says
For me, it is more of a fear that if I get content things will change even more. I need to just live where I am and be where I am. Things will change. I will be ok. 😉
Sandy says
It’s so funny, I had gotten to this post from your email this morning, commented (above,) and then went to my next email…. and lo and behold it was on a similar topic! Isn’t it amazing how God takes the time to beat us over the head with things? LOL 🙂 Anyway, since it felt timely for me, I thought you (and others on this thread) may benefit as well, so I want to share the blog post that was in my email box just below your post, “3 Lessons We Learn While Waiting ” http://goinswriter.com/lessons-waiting/.Maybe it will help someone!
Sandy says
Eek, my “maybe” above combined with the link somehow! Sorry! Here it is http://goinswriter.com/lessons-waiting/
Amy says
Thank you!
HYPERACTIVE LU says
You just described myself. Thank you for sharing your heart. I have been struggling with our new home of 10 mos. Small town. Different than home….of 20+ yrs….and leaving friends, parents, etc. I love the part “I was waiting for my life to go back to the way it used to be.” Wow. Convicted. I’ve been trying to make this new place HOME…and nit picking the parts that I dislike to where the discontentment grows. Ahhh… why do I do this to myself?
Thank you for your transparency. Definitely some things to ask for forgiveness and pray through.
Amy says
Glad we never stop learning and growing…no matter how painful it may be. 🙂
Emily says
Amy, there always seems some death of self in the choice to live fully right where you are. When you are willing to say “take all of me, Lord” it never feels safe, but God is good. Blooming is so much more beautiful the gan withering! I am excited to see what beuty comes from this. Blessings to you my friend.
Jill S. says
Thank you for your honesty! It is an incredible encouragement to hear of your struggles with contentment. I want to be content but I’m always thinking of how much my life falls short of what I had envisioned. It’s been hard to let go of dreams I’ve had that I realize will most likely never come to fruition. I can imagine, however, that all of what I thought were dreams are going to look very small and pathetic once I get to heaven. Thanks again for your honesty; would really enjoy an ongoing feature about contentment and the idea of blooming where you land.
Amy says
I will definitely consider that, Jill!
Amy D. says
You and I have talked about our similar struggles and not being content where we currently are. This post is especially encouraging and challenging because I am right there with you. Praise God that He has begun a healing process for you!!
Amy says
Very much praising the Lord!
Shelby says
Oh Amy, thank you so much for this post. My life feels unrecognizable to what it was 15 months ago and it is really hard for me right now. Seven weeks postpartum with our seventh baby my husband came home from work early and told me he had lost his steady job of eight years. He looked for a job for five months before finding one with a company that required a move. Ironically we were moved to somewhere I had always wanted to live until just a couple of years before when I realized I never wanted to leave the friends and family we were close to. We ended up living in two different states for 10 months. 15 months ago we were debt free, except our mortgage, surrounded by friends, our family was relatively close, we had just found a home church after years of searching. Life wasn’t just good, it was *perfect*. Today we are very *not* debt free, our house won’t sell and I miss. my. old. life. And yet, I know the worst part about the transition is my own attitude.I *needed* this post like you wouldn’t believe. I think I’m going to print it out and out it in my bible! Thank you.
Amy says
Isn’t that the truth! Transitions most definitely require our attitude to be one of surrender. ((HUGS))
Amy D. says
Wow! I’m so glad to know I’m not alone with my “craziness”. The past 4 years I have been so unsettled and can identify with every comment about this post. My husband and I both feel like we are never ‘home”, like we haven’t landed where we are supposed to be yet. That that dream place in our heads has not been found yet. But for the sake of our children I hope we are where we are supposed to be. We have moved three times in the last 4 years due to my wonderful husband trying to keep us afloat during the down turn in the economy. He takes wonderful care of us. I feel like I must be ungrateful and not appreciating what God has given us. I’m living for the most part what I have asked for. But there is always the “I really would be happy if we lived ……” Well I live in the middle of farm land now on our own 8 acres in a nice enough house that needs lots of repair, and it’s so peaceful and quiet here……I just want to be content in what we have and quit feeling like there is something else. I guess it’s the devil messing with me so I pray a lot about it, apparently not enough though:) I too struggle with not being a 100% hermit and closing myself off from relationships. I would have loved more children, we have 3, but God must have given me all I can be patient for. I’m so blessed with healthy children and the love of my life, so what is my problem?! I Devil be gone!
Amy says
Amen, Amy! Be where you are until you are somewhere else. 🙂
Britta says
YES, YES, and YES!!! The funny thing is I still live close to where I grew up…God has also been dealing with me to continue to grow where I’m planted and not “wish” I was someplace else. I think we all struggle with discontentment to some degree. Thanks for sharing…you are a blessing to me!!!
kelly says
YES, i FEEL this same way…yes, i do have problems “blooming” i constantly tell the girls..my hubby… that change is good and we should embrace it…but i am facing it now with hubby no longer happy with us working together in my father’s business..He is no longer happy with changes in youth program at church…Me struggling with the fiances on my own(if feels like)…my youngest child going off to middle school..my oldest with a driving permit..my first pets that i got when i first got married to hubby died last month…its all seems soooooo HARD & im struggling…i try and remember to pray and give it up to God, but im imperfect and its a constant struggle….YES, i do wish circumstances were different..like maybe hubby SHOULDVE stayed with McDonalds all those years ago instead of coming to work for my dad…maybe if we stuck HARDER to a budget it might actually succeed and then i wouldnt feel like im drowning in debt…which we are not nearly as bad as it was 4 years ago…but i am just so unsure of decisions when it comes to money…i agonize over EVERY decision… i constantly struggle with being happy in the NOW and with where my family IS…i do a bible reading for myself every am and i think that helps some…i guess i am getting there…
Amy says
Just keep walking, Kelly!
Mreeanne says
Wow! You described me. I had intended to move back to Louisiana after I was done with the Air Force. That hasn’t happened and it is not going to happen. I got married to a preacher and went to Bible School in Washington then we moved to Las Vegas. Las Vegas is the total opposite of where I grew up.
This past year I’ve come to realize that even if I did move back it wouldn’t be the same. I don’t even know my old friends any more and a lot of my older relatives are dead. And truthfully I’ve changed.
Amy says
Yes, so much has changed, but I’ve been chasing that life for so long, I think I convinced myself that some of it would still be there. I don’t want to miss the blessings here anymore!
Amanda says
Home is where you are, not where you’ve been. This is a big struggle for me. It seems that creative hospitality always connects me to the place and space I am in. Your desire to decorate after coming to your realization is also what happens to me when I stop being absent and disconnected from my current home. I also love to make my home cozy and cook and invite friends over. Hospitality is key for me.
Amy says
We tend to be hospitable by nature, and yes, that does help a lot.
Kristen S says
I have struggled a lot with living in the past or wishing for the future. The present is really hard and a struggle each day. In January of this year I read 1000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp. The Lord has really used it as a tool to help me to be thankful for where I am and see the blessings that currently surround me.
Amy says
Yes! I believe being thankful certainly has a lot to do with contentedness.
abba12 says
Its funny, this year i DID move home, the very same house in fact, and actually, while there is some comfort, in some ways its dissapointing. I hoped i would come back to what i remembered (which was through rose tinted glasses to begin with) but this place is different now to when i left. Its a new place really. I havent returned ‘home’ because that home doesnt exist anymore except within my memory. But, indeed, it has helped me to move on. I feel no desire to stay here permenantly anymore, im ready to move on physically as well as emotionally.
Amy says
Wow! What insight. Thank you.
Kristy Chowning says
It is so hard to find roots when you get transplanted often. But I have found that it’s best to dig deep (even though it’s initially hard to leave, but somehow easier to settle in the new place) It’s good that you are taking it all in. Enjoy!
Heather Anderson says
I so appreciate this right now. We moved about eight months ago after living in the same area for 19 1/2 years. I was in unity over this, but it has been tough. Three of our children are really struggling still and we all feel very displaced, wondering what God is doing with us. Part of the problem has been that I don’t feel planted. But even as I was reading this I realized that we can be planted temporarily (heeled in, in gardening terms) for a season to grow stronger and thrive while awaiting a more permanent home. Blessings to you as you learn to bloom again.
Jenny Frick says
thank you, to tell you the truth this hit home I have been struggling with this for 9 yrs and I kept telling myself to bloom where I am planted and I am just not doing it, I have looked at all the “bad” things and dreamed about what my life was before wishing it back, I actually have been the wife that “drippeth like a faucet” and my poor husband really would rather live in the”corner of the roof” this summer I have tried to change this sin and be content at where I am in life an it has been a difficult fight in my heart, I am making progress, and I want to have that joy and peace in my heart the joy of the Lord, so I will push on wether it takes me one day or my life I am not going to give up it is a fight worth battling for the Lord.
megan says
Wow Amy, this post sounds very much like something I could have written myself. I moved half way across the country to marry my husband. Most days I am okay with being so far from “home” but others days I can be very discontent. Lately I seemed to have settled into a bad attitude about it. I know it is sin and I have confessed it to the Lord and have asked him to make me content. I have even had my husband pray for me. Lately the Lord has showed me that if I invest myself into making this “home” I will grow to cherish this place He has put me in. It is ironic that you mentioned decorating. That is something I have held off on because if I am totally honest, down in my heart I have been hoping to move. But the last several weeks I have been investing myself in making out home more homey and beautiful and I really do like it! Anyways, I’m talking to much! Just wanted to say I think you hit the nail on the head with this post.
megan says
adding to correct typo: making “our” home not “out” home!
Amy says
You are welcome, Megan. 🙂
Cynthia says
“I’m waiting for my life to go back to the way it used to be” NORMAL. We have custody of our 4 year old grandchild. We are waiting for all the court stuff to be over. Our lives have been on “hold” for the last year. And last week we heard his mother is expecting again. I don’t know if she will be able to keep this one. I don’t know what will happen. But I decided I can’t keep waiting to live our life. We are going to live with today, today. We will deal with next spring then. I can’t cross those bridges before they get here, and I need to let go of future problems. We’ve got a lot of living to do with this child. We have to teach him the path God has for him.
Amy says
The Lord is with you every step of the way. He knows the path. We just have to follow! ((HUGS)) to you!
Helen says
Being a military wife (my husband is now retired), I know the pain of landing in that new place bruised. However, I have a testimony of a time when I had spent 18 months in a new place, restless and unhappy the whole time (Hawaii, can you believe it?). After a visit from a younger friend who just was so grateful for everyhthing, the Lord really spoke to me from the book of Daniel. Like Daniel, I decided to be “purpose”. I purposed to be content. Everytime I had a negative thought I verbally said out loud, “I purpose to be content even if I stay here the rest of my life as I believe this place is where God wants me to be at this time in my life. In about 2 weeks, out of nowhere came the news that we were moving back “home”. We were supposed to be in Hawaii a minimum of another 2 years with no promise of going back “home”. What a faith building time this was for me! Of course, you will not be surprised to learn that lots of things were good back “home” but many of the things I loved were not the same. I did see why God took us back as we did have an incredible opportunity for ministry but it was not all smooth. I’m not a writer but I could write a book.
Amy says
What a beautiful story, Helen! I am doing much the same thing…telling myself to be content the moment those feelings of discontent crop up. Bless you for sharing!
Reggie says
Have I ever been there and done that! We felt God telling us to leave an area that we not only adored, but had grown stronger as a family in. We left, but for the first couple years, we did not bloom. I think we both thought that the move was temporary and we would eventually get to go back ‘home’. I still remember when it finally hit me. We were driving into our small town that God had called us to and I clearly felt God ask me why I was waiting to live, really live, where He’d placed me. I still don’t know that we’re in full bloom yet, but at least you can tell it’s a flower, not a weed!