Thanksgiving will be upon us soon. For some of us that means happy family get togethers. For some of us that means crazy relatives. Before you swear off family dinners because you have to spend the entire time with your hands clapped over your little one’s ears and eyes, here’s a little advice…from someone who has her own fair share of difficult family members.
Every family has one…or two…or a whole bunch. Get over it.
I don’t want to sound harsh, but quit complaining. Every single family on the face of this planet has a few nuts in the family tree. You are not alone, and you are not cursed. In fact, to others in your family YOU might be the difficult family member! *gasp* Yes, I know Uncle Ed’s drinking is out of hand. Yes, I know Cousin Susie dresses immodestly. Yes, I know Grandma Irene is crazy. It just is what it is. Your complaining isn’t going to change them.
This is your mission field.
How many times do we wish we could reach the world for Christ, make an impact on unreached people groups, share the Gospel with others in a tangible way? Here’s your chance! And let’s face it, sharing Christ with others is messy because people are messy. The really neat thing is you don’t even have to thump your Bible to get your family’s attention! Just the fact that you live a different life and still love them (yes, love them) is going to blow them away.
Remember, the external reflects the internal.
99% of the time difficult people are hurting people. What you see and hear is simply the overflow of their hearts. It’s not you – it’s them.
Be honest, but don’t overshare.
It is ok to be open with your children about family members who are difficult to be around; however, don’t offer more information than they need to hear or are old enough to process. And don’t turn this into a gossip session! Your younger children don’t need that added burden, and your older children can already pick out the strange ones. You can be open with your children about the things they see and hear at family gatherings without fear they will become like those people because your children don’t live that life on a daily basis. They know it is out of the ordinary, and if you explain it to them in terms of a life lived for Christ and a life lived without Christ, they will understand. There should be more compassion than condemnation in your words, and more mercy than malice in your actions.
A lot of what irks you goes unnoticed by your children.
Grandpa Grover’s foul language and dirty jokes aren’t exactly on the list of things you want your children to remember about Thanksgiving dinner, but frankly, they probably won’t remember. Children are like that. At least until a certain age, and hopefully by then, you have established right from wrong and your kids are quick to note how very wrong that sort of thing is.
There is something to be learned from even the foulest of family members.
I know this is difficult to see, but it is true…a broken clock is right twice a day, and you have family members, who despite their rather obvious shortcomings, still have qualities that can be commended. Honor what is commendable, shield what is not.
A note about “dangerous” family members:
Unfortunately, there are sometimes family members whose vices pose a very real threat to your children. In this case, you have a couple of options –
- Avoid family gatherings where those family members might be present.
- Go to the family gatherings, but never, and I mean never, let your children out of your sight.
Loving our difficult family members DOES NOT mean we ignore their vices or pretend their actions do not affect others. We must be vigilant parents – radars on, guards up.
Maggie says
Wow! Your post did sound like you tapped into my phone line. I cancelled hosting Thanksgiving yesterday. Yes, due to “difficult” people and their insensitive comments. “I can handle only 2(children)” translates to me as you have too many!(3 with number 4 on it’s way) or “not my kids.” when I just ask for an extra hand on helping one while I make sure another child is not working on flooding the bathroom or decided to wash their hands with toothpaste. God did soften my heart to allow one guest on thanksgiving…I just don’t want the feelings of rejection on thanksgiving and I really don’t want those feelings to pass to my children.
Posting this comment due to I am totally open for advice but please be gentle I’m tender(box of tissues in hand)
Amy says
Truthfully, when I’m pregnant, I’m not able to handle the comments as “gracefully” as I do otherwise. We tend to go to Thanksgiving, not host it. That is often MUCH easier. We can leave! lol Your children probably won’t “catch” any comments – mine never have. You might want to read this post too: https://raisingarrows.net/2013/02/ask-amy-what-do-i-do-when-my-family-isnt-happy-about-a-new-baby/ since it sounds like this is the big one you are seeing from your family. ((HUGS))
JC says
Thanks. I agree with this to a certain extent. However, sometimes families are toxic. They belittle you every time you come in contact with them. They lie, manipulate, and trianglulate between family members. Their is a difference between difficult and abusive. So many people I know accept abuse from their family because its “the Christian thing to do”. I just have to say as someone who is only in the past couple of years realizing how much abuse was in my family and working hard to heal myself and help my children to escape that family heritage that its also OK to steer clear….especially if you are still suffering the affects of childhood abuse and nothing has changed about how these family members operate. Make sure you are able to set proper boundaries and that you are able to protect your family before exposing them to abusive family members. We should always be compassionate but we should also be wise. Just my $.02 worth.
Amy says
Yes, I mention that at the bottom of the post. 🙂
Michelle C says
My family and I have recently moved closer to both our families of origin after being out of state for several years. We return with a clearer view of the abuse that several family members see as the right way to behave. Unfortunately one person has studied medicine and medical conditions enough to know how to work their actions and words to seem like the problem is someone else and not them plus this person refuses to get any medical help or change when presented with the truth.
We pray that God will remove this person’s blinders and bring them to the light of His truth. Until then, how do we associate with this family and the extended members at family gatherings to protect ourselves and our son?
Amy says
Can you keep visits brief? Is there a neutral location that would decrease the incidence of problems? Is there possibly a time and place for you to set boundaries with this person? Pray your way through it. God is faithful. ((HUGS))
Michelle C says
Thank you for what you suggested. We will pray about these possibilities. ((hugs)) to you and your family
Thank you for your blog and sharing your faith.
Leah says
I completely agree.
Diana says
Loved this, Amy! Thanks! Especially:
“There should be more compassion than condemnation in your words, and more mercy than malice in your actions.”
🙂
Shonda says
This post was both honest and funny… oh my, the nuts in our families. I like to think of them as entertainment. I laugh, I cry and sometimes just have to walk or run away. Surprisingly, there are times when I find myself agreeing with what others may consider crazy. But the most important thing I do is love them from up close or afar… either way, they know it.
Tye says
Wow! God is so good at giving what we need at the right time. Putting it short the event that happened today with my oldest son. I had a family member tell me something about my son that is not his nature at all. Knowing the individual involved I had to tell them it didn’t make sense. I asked my son if he said what they told me. He did say things regarding the topic but not in the way they said. It was a great moment to talk to him about the verse don’t let your left hand know what your right hand is doing. It hit me right then! God uses members of our own body to show that even the closest people to us can get you in trouble and not mean to. The fact of saying to much some family members will run with it see what or if you reaction is what they hoped for.
We are blessed with great and loving family. The only crazy one in our family is my aunt who tells us that she is the aunt my parents warned us about. We all love her! And yes there are the real crazy ones.. But they let us in their lives even when they think we are the crazy ones!
May all of you be blessed and shine for Christ during this busy season!
NAtalie says
Thank you for writing this post! As a young mother, I struggle with this very topic. I love hearing Godly counsel from mothers who have been there and done that! Your advise is SPOT ON!!
Pamela Ward says
Grateful for the reminder that “ There should be more compassion than condemnation in your words, and more mercy than malice in your actions.” Beautifully written charge to the Christians.