Getting out of bed has been very difficult. I know the Lord wants me to get up and be a mother to my other 4 children, so after some brainstorming w/ some friends, one of them called this morning to get me up out of bed and give me a few simple tasks to do. Even though it hurt to be awake, it felt good to do something as simple as make coffee and put the cereal on the table for the children.
I folded Emmy’s clothes today. The day she died, in a frenzy, I had pulled all of her clothes out of the closet and sat on the floor of her room holding them and crying. I later put those clothes in her crib and left them there. I packed away the ones she never wore and neatly folded the ones she had and put them in the drawers of her dresser. There were stains on some of them that were from her. I am not ready for them to be in storage, but I am ready for them to be somewhere other than scattered across the crib.
It is so hard to have her things out and about now. But my husband is not ready for them to be put away and I suppose I might be upset too if I do put them away. I just feel a punch in the gut every time I walk by them.
I am torn between KNOWING and FEELING. I KNOW this was the Lord’s will, that it was her appointed time, that He will sustain me, that I will get through this, but I FEEL like I don’t understand why or how or when. I feel like there is this gaping hole and nothing will fill it ever…and that is partially true. It was said at the funeral, our arrow was shot into Heaven and any other children the Lord may bless us with will never replace that arrow, the place where the arrow had been will always be empty.
But, in time the wound will heal over. The scar will remain, but it won’t be a festering sore anymore. Right now I have to walk through it all and feel everything as it hits me. Some things I can save to feel for later, but much of it just has to be felt at the time. Things like seeing the bottom of the laundry basket marked with the girls’ names and the cubby where the basket goes marked the same. Things like putting away nursing clothes because I have no need for them now. Seeing things or thinking about things that happened “before Emmy died” and then realizing all the things that have happened since without her.
The Lord has carried me for over 2 weeks now. My sister-in-law sent me this verse a few days ago and I have said it over and over to myself and even set it to music to sing to myself and my children throughout the day:
Psalm 37:23-24
“The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, and He delights in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down; for the Lord upholds him with His hand.”
No matter how low I am, I am still in His hand.
MamaArcher says
I am continuing to pray for you and your family.Kristine
Ashley says
I’ve been reading your blog and weeping with you. I cannot relate but my heart aches for you and your family. I’ve been praying for you everyday, I think of you often because I have a little one. The Lord does not give us more than we can handle nor does he ever leave us or forsake us. His will is best but sometimes hard to take. I do not say these things lightly or flippantly, I want so much to encourage you. I’m glad you have people around you to help you day to day. I pray for you dear sister.
Lori Dupre Jackson says
While I can’t imagine the hole that you’re dealing with, I pray that God will help you in the day to day until you return to joy.There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven…A time to weep and a time to laugh;A time to mourn and a time to dance. Ecclesiastes 3:1&4My prayer for you is that you’ll be encouraged in each season.Jacksonmom
writingcanvas says
Dear Dear Sister in Christ – I could write a novel to you, but I will try not to. I am so, so sorry for the loss of your precious little girl. I can relate too well with your heartache. I have buried two children – a stillborn daughter at 36 weeks and three years ago, a 16 year old son. I understand the time frame of relating things to “before and after he died”. I understand the not wanting to get up in the morning, yet knowing we need to be moms to our remaining children. No one understands the depths of our grief until they have walked it. I just want to let you know I am available to you. I just “happened” to stumble upon your blog, and my heart aches with you. I understand the burning tears and the what ifs, the clothes and empty drawers. I might suggest to, that you can make some special keepsake items from your baby’s clothes – teddybears for your other children – a quilt for you to put on the wall – but it may take time. I just am starting to make things from my son’s clothes. No, the scar will never go away, but as God promises, joy WILL come again, and our tears WILL be wiped away.I have a webpage for bereaved moms called Bereaved Moms Share: http://bereavedmomsshare.com/I also have a personal blog, which I started after the death of our son at: http://writingcanvas.wordpress.com/Feel free to drop me a note anytime.Lonilonistel AT iserv.net
ken says
Amy and Ty, I continue in prayer. This poem has always been a help in times of trial and thought I would share it with you. Christian Love, kenBut God…I know not, but God knows; Oh, blessed rest from fear!All my unfolding days To Him are plain and clear.Each anxious, puzzled “Why?” From doubt or dread that grows,Finds answer in this thought: I know not but He knows.I cannot, but God can; Oh, balm for all my care!The burden that I drop His hand will lift and bear.Though eagle pinions tire, I walk where once I ran–This is my strength to know, I cannot, but God can.I see not, but God sees; Oh, all-sufficient light!My dark and hidden way To Him is always bright.My strained and peering eyes May close in restful ease,And I in peace may sleep; I see not, but He sees.–Annie Johnson Flintcopied from mwtb.org
Anonymous says
We are still praying for you….Love,Crystal Schaper
Anonymous says
I’m glad for the support you’ve had. I hope you utilize it. When people want to help, let them.It’s hard to see you be in pain, and I know others can’t really understand. I’m grateful you have friends who have lost a child & can understand.At my church the other night, we talked about helping in ‘out of the box’ ways. If there are any ways people can help- the example they used was raking the yard/ yardcare for someone w/ an illness, I think people would like to know. Would it help to have someone babysit, do some chores? (Just throwing out ideas). It sounds like your friends are really pulling through for you w/ phone calls & just letting you know they care & that is one small thing to be thankful for. It is a really hard situation, and you need time to grieve. The world just has to deal with it.Take care & know a lot of people care and are praying.
Tosha Tanquary says
I have been thinking about you a lot lately… My heart is still broken for you all! Please know that we lift your family up in prayers everyday! And will continue to do so. Your life, her life… has touched so many… and I know it hurts. The book of Job speaks of this very thing and I think you might find some comfort in it… ” Have you considerd my servant…Amy?…”Run to God, Amy and He will heal your heart!Prayers,Your sister in Christ…Tosha Tanquary
Mrs. C says
Continuing to pray for you and your family. I hope your other children are well and that their faith in Christ is unshaken.I’m sure I’m not alone in being nearby, looking at your blog and never sure whether to leave a comment or what to say. Bet you for every comment on your blog or note you receive, there are 10 other people who *wish* they had the words.
lambechops says
AmyI just want to let you know that you, Ty and your precious family are continually in my thoughts and prayers. I feel a bond with you, even though we have never met, never talked in perosn. I so wish I could wrap my arms around you in a big hug and hold you in this time. I feel blessed to have been able to read about Emily and I pray that each step that you take gets a little easier.
Lady-in-the-Making says
My Dear Sister,I am unable to comprehend what you are going through. Please know that I will be praying for you. One day, one hour, one minute at a time. Your faith staggers me.
Leigh Ann says
Praying for you.