Getting out of bed has been very difficult. I know the Lord wants me to get up and be a mother to my other 4 children, so after some brainstorming w/ some friends, one of them called this morning to get me up out of bed and give me a few simple tasks to do. Even though it hurt to be awake, it felt good to do something as simple as make coffee and put the cereal on the table for the children.
I folded Emmy’s clothes today. The day she died, in a frenzy, I had pulled all of her clothes out of the closet and sat on the floor of her room holding them and crying. I later put those clothes in her crib and left them there. I packed away the ones she never wore and neatly folded the ones she had and put them in the drawers of her dresser. There were stains on some of them that were from her. I am not ready for them to be in storage, but I am ready for them to be somewhere other than scattered across the crib.
It is so hard to have her things out and about now. But my husband is not ready for them to be put away and I suppose I might be upset too if I do put them away. I just feel a punch in the gut every time I walk by them.
I am torn between KNOWING and FEELING. I KNOW this was the Lord’s will, that it was her appointed time, that He will sustain me, that I will get through this, but I FEEL like I don’t understand why or how or when. I feel like there is this gaping hole and nothing will fill it ever…and that is partially true. It was said at the funeral, our arrow was shot into Heaven and any other children the Lord may bless us with will never replace that arrow, the place where the arrow had been will always be empty.
But, in time the wound will heal over. The scar will remain, but it won’t be a festering sore anymore. Right now I have to walk through it all and feel everything as it hits me. Some things I can save to feel for later, but much of it just has to be felt at the time. Things like seeing the bottom of the laundry basket marked with the girls’ names and the cubby where the basket goes marked the same. Things like putting away nursing clothes because I have no need for them now. Seeing things or thinking about things that happened “before Emmy died” and then realizing all the things that have happened since without her.
The Lord has carried me for over 2 weeks now. My sister-in-law sent me this verse a few days ago and I have said it over and over to myself and even set it to music to sing to myself and my children throughout the day:
“The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, and He delights in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down; for the Lord upholds him with His hand.”
No matter how low I am, I am still in His hand.