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She stiffly sat on the couch, tears brimming her eyes, threatening to spill over onto her cheeks. It was taking every ounce of angry energy for her to keep that from happening. And then I said the magic words,
I understand.
Sobs shook her little body as the relief of full-fledged crying broke through and the wall she had built around her crumbled.
Women are known for their walls. They put them up whenever they feel threatened. They put them up whenever they feel vulnerable or scared. They build them strong and sturdy using anger as mortar. Sometimes the anger is a glaring, blaring white. Sometimes it is more subdued, barely noticeable. Sometimes even the wall itself is nearly invisible.
That is, until you bump into it.
I had bumped into a wall that night. I hadn’t meant to. If I knew that wall was there I might have avoided it altogether. But, nonetheless, I ran headlong into it, only to meet the wrath of a 9 year old. Something precious to her was being snatched out from under her…literally.
The couch she was sitting on was leaving. It’s broken down springs and torn seat cushions didn’t owe us anything. But, it was “her couch.” I tried to reason with her, but she built a wall. I tried to plead with her, but she built a wall.
The logical, rational parenting side of me wanted to put up my own defenses and demand surrender. Thankfully, the sympathetic side of me tapped me on the shoulder and reminded me of times when unwanted changes had come my way. I was reminded that quite often we women (even the 9 year old kind) don’t want to hear a long ole lecture on the merits of rationalism.
We just want to be understood.
We mommies are quick to tell our husband they just don’t understand us, but how often do we turn right around and rain down rational thought on our daughters (and our sons, for that matter)? We’d get a lot further if we’d reach out first.
So many people confuse “understanding” with “condoning” or “allowing”, but these words are not synonymous. I can understand and be sympathetic without allowing a behavior to continue. I “understand” why my 1 year old wants to play in the toilet, but there’s no way I’m going to let him keep doing it!
The reason I title this “Girls Just Wanna Be Understood” (besides the cutesy reference to an 80’s tune that shows my age) is because typically it’s us females who feel the need to be understood. In my younger years, I had a friend who, at the beginning of one of my venting phone calls, would ask me if I wanted advice or wanted a shoulder to cry on. She knew we don’t always want advice, and we’re much more likely to take advice if we get a little understanding in the beginning.
That’s what my daughter needed. She needed to know that I understand how she feels. She needed to feel like what she was feeling had merit and value. From there, we could get all sorts of logical. But until she knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I really did get how difficult this was for her, she wasn’t budging from her couch behind an angry wall.
We need to know when to think with our hearts, so our minds can be heard.
Clara says
This is so true. And I think it’s something husbands/fathers don’t really get, often. But as a mommy, it’s easier to understand because we have been there ourselves… We just have to *remember* to be understanding! My daughter sometimes gets teary for no particular reason – she just feels sad… I know what that’s like and it’s important to allow a person to be sad rather than always demanding a “stiff upper lip”… so long as it doesn’t get out of control!
Tami says
Well said, Amy. Thanks for the reminder.
Liz says
I just found your site yesterday through a link on another blog (Sorry don’t know which one to give them credit). You have a well organized and incredibly thorough site. I am a beginning homeschool mom to a toddler, and your homeschool section is really helpful. I have subscribed to your email and I look forward to looking at all the plethora of info on your site!
Thanks for the reminder about the temperment of girls, I sometimes forget this as a mom to a little girl.
Amy says
So glad you stopped by, Liz! Great to have you here 🙂
Jenna says
So true, and I love the way your phrased it! I bumped headlong into a similar wall that I didn’t know was there a few months ago when we were giving away our 26 year old-about-to-die refrigerator because we had been blessed with a newer one from my mom. My 7 year old broke down in hysterical sobs because she loved “her” old refrigerator and didn’t want the amost brand new one Nana was giving us. It was a surprising moment for me, as it had not occurred to me that she would be anything less than thrilled, if she even cared at all!
Suanna says
Understanding is important. Girls seem to need it most, but boys need it sometimes, too. I found Kent (6) crying over reading a book yesterday. Rather than making him feel embarrassed that I saw him I just said that I understand and sometimes I cry when I read sad parts in books, too.
Tiffany says
Oh how I loved this post! You are so incrediably right. Thanks for reminding me.
Angela says
I’ve never thought about this before, but you make a good point! Thanks!