Emily at 2 weeks
Micah at 2 weeks
These first two weeks with Micah have been filled to the brim with recovery from the rigors of labor and the c-section. I did nothing but nurse, take pain pills and sleep.
However, now I am beginning to feel more human and I’m no longer needing the pain pills and I am sleeping a bit less and I am feeling a bit more. Not the physical pain I was feeling before that some pill can remedy. This is a pain that is so much deeper and has so many more facets to it.
I do not look at Micah and see Emily. Yes, they have common characteristics as do all my children. A friend of mine jokes that my husband and I only know how to have one type of child with the only difference being that sometimes it is a boy and sometimes it is a girl. But, no, it is not that I see her when I look at him. The Lord gave me a blonde haired little boy, and for that, I am thankful.
A few days ago, I dreamt of Emily’s death. I’ve never actually dreamt about that day. Of course, I relive it over and over in my consciousness, but never in my unconsciousness. Something about dreaming about that day caused me to begin to revisit my grief.
My pregnancy hormones are plummeting and with them come memories I cannot hold back. I do well to fight them off and on throughout the day. I despise grieving in front of people. Maybe that is because I do not want to make them uncomfortable. Or maybe it is pride. I honestly don’t know…not sure I even care. I like to grieve alone. I can be as distraught as I want to be and no one feels they have to say anything to me. I can cry until my eyes hurt and the lump in my throat is vanquished and never feel as thought I must apologize for how I look or how I feel.
Only my husband sees the tears on a frequent basis. Lately, as I’ve cried more than usual, he has gently reminded me that hormones are making things more difficult. On top of that, I am remembering this time last year.
Our 2 year old is turning 3 very soon. Last year we all went to Chucky Cheese. Emmy was in the sling. This year it will be Micah, but there will be no Emily toddling along. A week after Keian turns 3, I will turn 32. Last year we went out to eat and lil’ Emily wore her pretty white hat and precious little white outfit with the pink roses…the hat I keep in her trunk…the outfit we buried her in.
And then comes February. My little Micah will be 6 weeks on this earth when we honor my little Emily’s passing from it.
And I still ask why. Why us? Why her?
Yet, I look at the legacy she has left here. She did more for the advancing of the Kingdom in months than many people do in years. And the Lord ordained it all.
And then there is Micah. Micah means “Who is like God?” It is a question. It is a question that the resounding answer to is NO ONE. Micah’s middle name is Emmanuel…”God with us.” This little boy carries a name that speaks of the Lord’s power and the Lord’s comfort. And it just so happens Emmanuel begins with the same first two letters as Emily’s name.
Had Micah been born on his due date, it would have been a very precious thing~sharing the day we honor Jesus’ birthday. However, the Lord caused him to wait another week and ordained that I should labor all day and into the night in order that he might be the first New Year’s baby in the hospital I delivered at. Being the first New Year’s baby carries with it the privelage of a newspaper write up along with photos and whatever story the family might have. Our story, Micah’s story, Emily’s story, was front page headlines. The reporter left out nothing. She published our words of hope and faith in a God that does not forsake us or leave us in our times of trouble.
We may rejoice. We may mourn. God is with us. Who is like God? No one.
Baby Micah
Maria (MOMYS) says
Bless you today, Amy. No words are sufficient only that I am praying the Lord touches you as you walk this road.Maria (MOMYS)
Lilyofthevalley - Tanya says
((((big hugs)))Amy, I have been praying for you, I can only imagine how you mush be feeling, yes your arms are full, but there is one not there. Praying the Lord will be your comfort as you cuddle your Micah and remember dear Emily. We will be praying for you.Micah is adorable! 🙂
Kristi says
Wow Amy, that is gorgeous and gave me chills. There are no words, but I am praying for you today. May God bless you and grant you His healing and peace.
Kristy says
Oh this was such a beautiful post. Micah is beautiful! I love his name also. There are no words for the pain you are revisiting – as I am sure none would suffice. As I read this, I felt a lump in my throat also – for you and your pain. I will be praying for you, as you go through these days and weeks and “markers” of time. I pray that God would comfort you as you continue to grieve. Again, there are no words to really express what I am thinking and feeling. Congratulations on your little blessing, Micah.
Fruitful Harvest says
((((HUGS)))) Amy~I think of you often and praying for you daily….thanks for posting and keep us updated!Micah has his own year. 2009 a year of rebirth… a year to find a new normal.Micah is adorable and as he gets more and more alert I’m sure it will be fun to see his personality emerge!Peace and Blessings,Georgiann
Joyful Wife says
My dear friend,I am praying for you, thinking of you ALOT, praising the Lord for that precious little life you hold, remembering Emily and remembering your deep grief….you know my number if you need to call. I do understand your need to quietly grieve, but I just want you to know that I am home, and I will answer. We love you all.Tina
Rachel...findingjoy says
Oh, Amy….((((hugs))))What a beautiful post that you just wrote. You are in my prayers. As I read your words I get a glimpse at your heart, and the ache that is there. I really am sorry. May our Lord comfort you, my dear friend. Hug that sweet Micah. Blessings,Rachel(and to echo previous posters…Micah is ADORABLE!!!)
Christina says
crying. rejoicing.grieving.WITH YOU!
Mrs. Dan says
((hugs)) Your post made me cry… because I have walked this road. Thanks for taking time to put to words what so many mothers feel.http://www.trophyofgodsgrace.org
CB says
This is a beautifully written post. You have articulated your grief & also your deep love & appreciation for new life. I can’t imagine the pain of losing a little one but my heart goes out to you. God bless you & yours! (From the qf digest),CB
Mrs. and Mama K says
God’s timing is awesome! Now others will know of His goodness…
Anonymous says
Amy,You are so strong and I cannot imagine what you are feeling at this time…Your family is beautiful and your sweet little angel is up in Jesus’ lap smiling love down on you all.Blessings on your family,Nicki BourgeoisZimmerman, MN
Fruitful Harvest says
Hi there again~ I pray that you are getting enough rest and are eatting well. I pray that the nursing is going well. I know that posting often might be a challenge….and wanted to let you know many of us are rooting for you. I pray you are haveing a good day! Peace and (((HUGS)))),Georgiann
Leah says
Oh, what a blessing. Such cheeks begging for kisses. I am and will and have been praying for you.
Linda says
So glad to look on sweet Micah’s face in these pictures.Blessings!….Love,and prayers