On the long car ride home, I looked back to see my oldest daughter sleeping soundly while my youngest child pulled her hair, pinched her nose, and stuck his hand over her mouth. When his antics finally roused her from her deep slumber, she looked him in the eye and said,
You little stinker!
Awww, sibling love!
Sometimes it looks like two boys tumbling over each other in a wrestling match. Sometimes it looks like two girls whispering through bunk beds late at night. Sometimes it looks like a little brother standing at the door waiting for his big brother to come home. Sometimes it looks like a big sister scratching a little brother’s back.
The sibling relationships around here aren’t perfect, but they aren’t what most people consider the norm either. My children actually like each other!
In an effort to foster the sibling relationships in our home, Ty and I have done a few things that we’d like to share with you in the hopes that you too can reap some long-lasting deeply-bonded sibling relationships between your children.
Don’t dwell on the negative. Our society expects terrible sibling relationships. In fact, I believe traditional school even encourages enmity between siblings by separating them and inadvertently teaching them that anyone not their same age is not worth spending time with. It simply is not “cool” to hang out with your siblings. If we buy into this and foster this negative outlook on siblings, we end up encouraging strife as a norm.
Don’t build walls. We have one child who flies off the handle easier than the others. At one point, I made the mistake of focusing in on that with the other siblings nearby. It took me a long time to remedy that. No, she shouldn’t fly off the handle, but my job as mom isn’t to call her out in front of her siblings, but rather to take her aside and guide her back to reconciliation with them. If I am constantly pointing out the faults of one sibling in front of another, I will build walls I will eventually be unable to tear down.
Make “togetherness” the norm. While we do allow our children their own space, we do not encourage them to spend massive amounts of time doing their “own thing.” We do take our children out separately on occasion, but more often than not, another sibling comes along. And more often than not, they WANT another sibling to come along.
Talk about their bond. Since losing Emily, we talk to our girls a lot about how they are the only sisters they have and how important it is that they foster that relationship. We don’t do it in a preachy way, just a matter-of-fact way. We talk about how perhaps one day one of the brothers will work with another brother. It might never happen, and we certainly don’t expect it, but there is no harm in building that bond with our words.
Encourage their similarities. My children are all so different, but they also have similar likes and interests that I believe deserve to be encouraged as a way to build that bond between siblings. All too often, we focus on differences and forget the lovely similarities that exist too. However, that brings me to my final point…
Complementary rather than comparison. Siblings are often far more different than the same, but rather than make that a comparison or a black and white contrast, find ways to show them how those difference work together within the dynamics of the family. My oldest is a talkative planner while the next sibling in line is the quiet, creative type. He plans trips while she takes the photos and journals her way through vacation. Together, they offer a complimentary benefit to the family. So, rather than making sibling differences insurmountable, we choose to point out ways each siblings strengths compliment the rest of the family’s strengths.
It’s all about strengthening, encouraging, and loving the individuals who make up the community you call a family!
Kim Crawford says
Thank you for the insights this morning. I love the idea of pointing out the complementary roles the kids have in our family. God put us all together for a reason. May we find great joy in His creativity.
Gail @ The Imperfect Housewife says
This is wonderful! Thank you, Amy. We’ve been struggling with our children getting along. Some of which I do expect since they are 5 and under. Yet, I wonder if they do it BECAUSE I expect. You hit on a lot of my weak areas, in a loving way. So, thank you! 🙂
Heather Wawa says
I have a question for you, if I may? We have six children, 14, 11, 9, 7, 6, 3 and we do most of the things you’ve mentioned. The problem we have is noise. Our living space is a joint kitchen, family room, and dining area, plus three bedrooms.
We try to encourage togetherness and limit the time the kids spend off in their rooms by themselves or just one sibling but when we’re all in one room, it’s LOUD. My oldest two (sisters) DO spend a good chunk of their time “hiding” in their room because so often there’s too much going on to have a conversation out in the common area (and I can’t really blame them).
Now, we are NOT a loud family and the kids aren’t out-of-control kids, but if they are giggling, or if you have six people in one room having three different conversations, it feel chaotic.
Do you have any suggestions for this? Maybe it’s unavoidable but I’d sure love to find a solution.
Amy says
We allow noise to a certain extent, but not all the time. There is a need to know how and when to be quiet. Sometimes if they are getting really out of hand noise-wise, we will go outside or do something really energetic inside for a few minutes and then I will tell them we need to do quiet activities and if they cannot manage to be quiet, they are sent to sit on their beds (with nothing to do) and get up as soon as they think they can be quiet…which usually isn’t very long. 😉 Hope that helps!
Luke Holzmann says
Great tips! That togetherness thing is big. My family continues this tradition by getting together for lunch after church on Sundays (well, with whatever kids are in the area).
~Luke
Amy says
That is wonderful! My children are already lamenting the day their oldest brother leaves the house (and he’s only 14!). They all have such a good time together. 🙂
Serenity says
I love the suggestions!!! I do have a question though. My 16 year old brother moved out today and left behind a vacant room in our home 🙁 Right now our 2 boys share one room and our 3 girls share another room. We considered letting our oldest son move into the vacant bedroom since he is the oldest in our family. However, I hesitate to do that because we want to encourage sibling bonding. Our oldest son is 10 and the youngest is 20 months. Do you think it encourages more sibling bonding when they share a room?
Courtney says
wow, megan looks just like you! great post!
Lindsay says
Great post. I love that my children love spending time together as well and hope that I can encourage it. Great tips. 🙂
Laney says
Sorry to bother you. I know you are in the midst of healing, remembering, and once again moving. Please know that I am thinking of you and praying for you often.
I did want to let you know that I recieved emails with your new posts for a day or so and then they quit coming again. I always just click on over to read what’s going on, but I did want to let you know in case other readers are having the same issue.
Laney
Amy says
Feedburner is unhappy with me right now, but my designers are trying to fix everything they don’t like. You’ll get a big batch as soon as it is fixed. Very frustrating!
Dawn says
Great post!! With our 10, we have done many of the same things. We currently have 4 boys in a room, and until recently had 4 girls in a room. The first night we divided the girls into 2 rooms, they were all in tears, ages 17, 12, 11, and 7!! They said they had never slept away from each other before and they didn’t know it would be so hard. Awwww!!!
My 2 oldest have moved out now, and both times, it has been very heart wrenching for the whole family. In these large families, it just seems like when one person isn’t there, something is wrong. So having their brothers move out has been very hard for the younger siblings. And the mama. : ( We all look so forward to their visits home. Thankfully, they both only live an hour away!
And our home can get loud too. But we have at least an hour of quiet every day, and we live out in the country, so they play outside a LOT!! That helps. Plus, the outdoor play helps them to sleep better at night.
My children are truly each other’s best friends, and we never have other children over…not because we are isolationists, but because there’s already so many kids here to pay with! LOL!! We just simply never think about it!!
Dawn says
That should be “so many kids here to PLAY with”, not pay with. hee hee
Kim Perez says
LOVE, love this post. Thank you for the reminder that we need to be intentional in our parenting. So often I vaguely worry about things like this, but never stop to prayerfully find a solution–or at least work towards one. 🙂
Ashley B says
Great post (I shared on FB too!) and something I can learn from. My children – ages 13, 8, 3.5, 9-months – primarily get along but there can be periods of squabbles that drive them and myself crazy. Much of it is lack of concern/respect for the other sibling involved on top of my 3.5 yr old being very strong-willed. We are learning through this process and trying to already implement some of the suggestions you had. Thanks!!
Kerry Beck says
Amy,
Great post. I love it. What is even cooler is when they are grown, living on their own and still friends. My kids like each other, enjoying their conversations. They ask each others’ opinions and hang out. Cool
Amanda @ Better Is Little says
Wow! Fantabulous post!! I really needed to hear this today. Unfortunately, I’ve not done I’ve not done excellent in this area. Focusing too much on the differences and correcting publicly. How do you correct this situation when the 2 it is most problematic in is my two oldest – 15 (boy) and (13) – *very* different and while they love each other they are not exactly friends either.
Thank you for this post!
Amy says
It is best not to make a big deal out of their issues with each other. They may not be best of friends, but you can definitely encourage a bond there even at this age simply by including them in things together and encouraging their differences as complimentary rather than something to be at odds over. 🙂
Natasha says
Excellent article, Amy! I need to work on not calling a child out on their behavior in front of the other children. It’s laziness on my part. I don’t want to take the time to pull them aside. I hadn’t thought about how it could harm their relationships with each other.
Amy says
I didn’t even think about it either, Natasha, until I noticed my children repeating the reprimands. *blush*
Amanda says
Yeah I do this too. My daughter often sounds just like me….I will definitely be making an effort to change this. Thank yoU!
Lindsey says
Thanks so much for your advice and encouragement. We have 2 bio kids and 2 foster kids and the the two oldest fight a lot. Our desire is for them to grow up as best friends and have great relationships.
Amanda says
I LOVE this post. Thank you! I have twin 3.5 year olds (boy/girl) and want them to be close friends as well as siblings. I appreciate the advise on how to keep them that way! I pray your children can continue their grand relationships into their teens (where I think it really gets hard) and beyond. Emily would be so proud 🙂
Nikki says
GREAT ideas! Thanks! I have 2 girls, 6 1/2 years apart. The youngest just turned 1. From the time the baby was a newborn (maybe even in the womb), I’ve been telling the oldest that they will be each others’ best friend. I want to create that bond in their minds now.
jenny says
I know this is an older article, but I just found it today, and I am so glad you posted it. I homeschool nine, and they love each other, too. Sure they fight, but they get over it. They forgive. They lighten up, which requires humility. Being public schooled myself, I remember how hard it can be to let ANYTHING go. It was always a battle to clear your name or get revenge, or fight back at even the slightest offense, especially public offence. My children have never been taught that pattern. This is part of what makes me so angry about the whole “socialization” argument. The natural context of family – especially a large family w stair-step children – develops in them a capacity to understand others, see other perspectives, and be respectful and empathetic to people different from themselves in any way, not just age. Thanks.
Holly says
ME TOO!!! I need to work on it. However it’s not realistic to think that every correction can be done aside. 🙂
Reggie says
Wow, this is a lot of food for thought. I can see walls between my second child and her siblings. While part of this is due to my not handling things correctly earlier on (which I have since attempted, to the best of my ability, to change) a lot of it is her. As a young child she was horribly mean by nature (and had NO desire whatsoever to change, no matter the discipline) and now that she is older and honestly trying to change, her siblings have moved on and don’t typically care to interact with her. Otherwise, my children get along quite well, though I really don’t know how much they like each other. It seems to be a very different dynamic with so many girls in a row, compared to a family where the gender fluctuates a bit.