Emily Sofia – 6wks old
I am getting ready to divulge an ugly truth…something I’d rather not face.
But, I have to.
I want another girl.
You see, after 7 babies, we know our sonograms. We never ask them to tell us the gender, but we do allow them to head that direction, with our eyes glued to the screen. Really, it’s cheating.
And we are 99% sure this wee little one is a boy. {That leaves a 1% chance for error and questioning in our minds and allows us to tell everyone we don’t know “for sure.”}
I dearly love my little boys and this is truly only the second little boy in a row…
but there is Emmy.
Last week, prior to decluttering my bookshelves, I transferred some clothes to new plastic tubs. One transfer involved little girl clothes. Some Emmy had worn. Some I had only hoped she would wear. I quickly dumped the smaller tub into the larger tub {because we are now going on 5 years worth of little girl clothes that are not being handed down, thus creating a rather large stash to be stored.} I willed myself not to look. Not to breathe. I closed the lid, moved the tub out of the way, and moved on to the next task. Done…over with…or so I thought.
That night, I grieved.
I grieved for the little girl that will never wear those clothes. I grieved for the little boy I’m carrying who also won’t wear those clothes. I grieved for all things pink and frilly. I grieved for the fact that I might never again give birth to a little girl. I grieved my humanness.
The humanness that wanted this baby to be a girl. The humanness that cried as I left the doctor’s office.
I don’t love this little one any less because he’s a boy, and I’m even kind of anxious {and scared stiff} to see how my little guys all interact with each other. The tide has turned and we’re quickly becoming a house of little boys.
Another aspect of my humanness is my need to find something to “look forward to.” I did this to pull out of a deep depression years ago while I was in college. I thought of one thing every single day to look forward to, no matter how small and silly it might have been. It was enough to keep me putting one foot in front of another until I was feeling more myself.
Well, this past week I gave myself something to look forward to.
I bought my little guys matching shirts. I bought my little girls matching clothes too. I started sewing t-shirt dresses for my girls to wear. I went through my newborn diaper stash and made note of how many boy prints I had. I bought second-hand little boy cloth diapers. I drafted a pattern for making a few of my own little boy diapers. I began looking forward to my family just the way it is…this side of Heaven.
Lord willing, this September, I will be the mother of 6 living children. 2 girls and 4 boys. I will dress my little boys alike when we go out. I will fix my little girls’ hair. I will smile at my brood and I will be content.
This baby is the tie-breaker no one can see. To the world, my boys will be double the number of my girls. I can’t change that. No amount of longing and grieving pink will bring Emmy back or make my body bear another girl. If it’s not meant to be, it won’t be. I am wasting my time to wish it otherwise.
But I had to face it. I had to say it. I had to move past it.
Rebecca says
With tears in my eyes, my heart is going out to you right now. I really understand. I have been there. We get it fixed in our mind what we want and then God, in His infinite wisdom, sends us something a little different than what we had invisioned. But, His plan prevails and we embrace it. Then we say, THANK YOU GOD! How could I have lived without this one?!
Even if this is a sweet little bundle of a boy, you never know who God will send next. That is the beauty of your family. You are not limiting God and saying no to any of His blessings. Patience is hard. So hard! But in time, you will see pink again. I just know it! So hang on to those tubs of flowery frills – just hold onto them in faith. God bless you today sweet Amy.
.-= Rebecca´s last blog ..HELP! How can I have Peace in my Home? =-.
Brandy says
Words fail me right now … I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a big hug. 😀
.-= Brandy´s last blog ..Animal Cuteness =-.
Betty says
Saturday, I went walking with my MP3 player playing some praise and worship music. I needed some time to organize my thoughts. As I was walking a song I hadn’t listened to for awhile came on…
Be Unto Your Name, by Robin Mark.
I stopped I looked up to heaven and cried, and cried and cried for you my dear friend.
I can’t imagine the feelings you have. I completely understand the whys. You are human, and I fully believe God is pushing you to deal with this now, so that when that little boy is here, you are fully ready to give all you can to him, without all this in your mind.
I will be praying for you. (((HUGS))) and call if you need too. My ears are here and I can’t wait to give you the hug in real life that I have been wanting to.
Dawn says
I am so truly sorry. I will keep you in my prayers.
.-= Dawn´s last blog ..Rules Kids Won’t Learn in School =-.
Fruitful Harvest says
Prayers and Love to you Amy!
BIG ((((((HUGS)))))
Warm Blessings,
Georgiann
.-= Fruitful Harvest´s last blog ..Beautiful…..and a Birthday Giveaway~ =-.
Lauree says
Wow! Thank you for your honesty. I don’t know you and have only recently found your blog but I have read through it and all about your Emily. I’m crying as I read your post today!
.-= Lauree´s last blog ..Mugshot Monday =-.
Amy says
Thank you so much, Lauree.
Deb says
This whole post is beautifully written and brought tears to my eyes, but this sentence, “This baby is the tie-breaker no one can see. To the world, my boys will be double the number of my girls” is the one that really made me understand what you are going through.
Thank you for your honesty, and I am so sorry for your loss.
.-= Deb´s last blog ..Christening =-.
Christine says
I am sorry, Amy! I am felt this.
I conceived a boy, lost him at 21 weeks gestation, and then went on to have two more boys in a row. I then had another miscarriage. I was thirty-nine by this time. When I was forty and forty-two, I had two girls. I never thought I would have any girl, let alone two. Every day, I thank him. He does give us the desires of our hearts many times, or he changes our desires. It seems to me that you will have another girl, at another time.
I hadn’t even planned to get pregnant into my forties (my husband is eight years older than me and didn’t want children into his fifties). These were against-all-odds pregnancies. Now, husband loves his girls so much–neither of us could do without them.
I will pray for you regarding these feelings! They are so hard to manage!
Amy says
Thank you, Christine. I know there is a good “chance” I could still have a little girl someday, but it is hard to see the forest for the trees some days.
Kat says
I am praying for you that this decision was harder on you than most would realize. While packing it all away, I ask God to give you comfort and grace you need at this time, to carry you through those moments when you need them the most.
Love and Hugs ~ Kat
.-= Kat´s last blog ..Trusting God When You Have A Lot To Lose =-.
Sandi@A Mother's Musings says
What a sweet picture of Emily.
I remember so wanting my next child to be a boy after loosing my son, Jonah. It did turn out to be a boy in our case but I think it is so “mama heart” normal to long in this way.
No one would ever replace your sweet baby girl Emily but having another baby girl would be very nice. That desire has nothing to do with ungratefulness which is something I battled with.
I appreciate your sharing this.
PS I have always longed for the wall to wall library with a ladder like the one in Beauty and the Beast.
.-= Sandi@A Mother’s Musings´s last blog ..Beautiful Day =-.
Sandi@A Mother's Musings says
I also get the tie breaker part. Before our last baby Eli…I had lost more then I kept. Pregnant 6 times and only two living kids. That was so hard for me. I wanted to atleast break even…and God gave me my miracle boy in His kindness.
Hugs
.-= Sandi@A Mother’s Musings´s last blog ..Beautiful Day =-.
Colleen says
Oh, Amy, I understand. This month my Bryce would be one. It’s so hard not to have the baby I thought I’d have in my arms, not to have the baby I thought I’d be expecting in my belly, and to smile at the well-meaning folks who comment on my FIVE boys, not knowing they’re breaking my heart. I shudder so often lately at the thought that the little one I lost may have been my first daughter. It’s hard that every experience seems to somehow be related to the grief, isn’t it?
.-= Colleen´s last blog ..How to Be an Alleluia =-.
Amy says
{{Colleen}} I think about you and little Bryce quite often.
The further away Emily’s death gets, the more people are brought into my life who know nothing of her. I watched the confusion on a little girl’s face this week when she heard me say something about Emmy…I realized she didn’t know who that was. Yet, these are my circumstances. And yours as well. It does help to know there are so many of us walking this road. Praying for you.
Kate says
I don’t really understand, because I have never been there, so I don’t really know what to say. But I know that when I was pregnant with my second, that if it was a boy, my husband would want a “junior” and I did not, and so fighting would ensue. For that reason alone (selfish as it is), I wanted a girl. Of course, I have a son. We fought for three months over his name, too. Lots of tears. But he is here and he is a joy now and I could not imagine another way. God does ALL things for good.
.-= Kate´s last blog ..Do Your Research!: Antibiotics =-.
Christine says
I understand. The thought of another girl someday doesn’t help with the longing now. I am so sorry! This is so hard.
Crystal says
I think there is bravery in admitting that you feel that way. And I can totally understand. After we lost our second son at birth, I secretly longed for another boy during my next pregnancy. We did have a boy, and that was great. I wouldn’t have loved a little girl any less, but it would have been a little different. Now I find myself grieving for the little girl I will never carry because I can’t physically have any more children. You are very right that there are many, many layers to grief. And I find new ones coming to the surface at the most unexpected times.
.-= Crystal´s last blog ..Little Voices =-.
valerie says
thank you for saying it. Your thoughts are a reminder to all, of our own humanness. I long for things too that may never come. It is hard. so hard. But we need to move. thanks for sharing.
.-= valerie´s last blog ..Modesty and ….Beyonce? =-.
Grace Wheeler says
Oh Amy! I don’t even know what to say. I guess I’ll start by telling you how much your post, your honesty, your transparency, your bravery just floors me. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been to write…and then to post (because if you’re like me, you doubt if you should be so transparent in blog world–because it hurts when others don’t “get it”).
But seriously, this is such a tender post. I know you love each of your God-given babies no matter the gender, but I also know what it’s like to not really “get” what you were hoping for.
I seriously am having a ton of trouble putting my feelings and thoughts into words right now…
Your post blessed me. I think it will bless a lot of people…even if it’s just sheerly because you CHOSE to be HONEST with YOURSELF and then love the Lord enough to let Him use you speak to so many of us “Amy followers” 🙂
I’ve sat here for about 10 minutes now just staring blankly trying to come up with some sort of words to go with my hearts response to your post and everything keeps falling short, so I’ll just say I love you. I know I don’t really “know” you (like IRL) but I do. I love you, I’m thankful for you, I’m blessed by you, I’m encouraged by you…
and it’s all because of posts like this one (and getting to know you better on MOMYS of course!)
PS I hadn’t seen that picture of Emily! I love it because she really looks a lot like you in that picture!
.-= Grace Wheeler´s last blog ..Quiet Times: With My Kids, For My Kids =-.
Amy says
Grace,
Just saying Emmy looked like me in that picture melted my heart. Thank you for ALL your kind words.
Tina says
My dear friend,
I could feel your heart in this post. A lump formed in my throat, and I cried for you once again. Just know that I still see this baby as the tie breaker. I don’t forget, and I do know how painful it is when those around do forget. I love your post, and you know who to call in the years to come for encouragement in raising a houseful of boys! 😉 We can encourage eachother!
.-= Tina´s last blog .. =-.
Kristin says
Thanks so much for the post. Even though I’ve never lost a little one, I identify so much. My DH is done having kids, while I so want more. I love me three little boys so much, but of course I would love a daughter (or a son…I just want more!). I had to sort through clothes that for the first time were not getting handed down. It was hard thinking that I might never have someone to wear them. I haven’t been as submissive as I should be in this (lots of grumbling). I’m praying that I will be able to obedient to the Lord’s commands in submitting to my husband and being content…but my heart aches.
.-= Kristin´s last blog ..Sew Mama Sew Giveaway Day! =-.
Vickie Bordelon says
I so much understand what you are saying and can identify with you. I once went through the same thing. I so much wanted another little girl. I had just lost a daughter, and wanted another little girl, but had another boy instead. I am so grateful now for that wonderful little boy that I have and would not trade that for anything in the world. May God give you peace and aceptance in your hear for this wee little one. I will be praying for you guys.
Rose says
Amy,
I just think you are normal. Emotions are confusing. We don’t always want to deal w/ them, but we have to. We know they won’t just go away. Praying for you and all the challenges life presents. As always, I like hearing your thoughts while they may be different from mine. I just like you to know that I care about you, while I may never understand your specific circumstances.=)
Rose
Colleen says
Amy. As often happens when I read your thoughts, I have nothing to say that will sound good. Except I’m sorry. So sorry Emmy is gone. And thank you for continuing to share because I continue to learn from you.
Something to look forward to, the tie-breaker the world can’t see; girl, I’m sorry. Praise the Lord always. Right?
It’s such a different reaction to gender from when you had your little boy. God has done that for you. Congratulations to you and your family and God bless you as you look forward. I still pray for you.
Dionne says
I’m a mom of 5 boys and 2 girls also. I had 3 boys then the girls followed by two boys.
Lena says
God will give you a baby girl at the right time. I will pray for you, and for your baby. God is the one who does miracles, but the future needs lots of godly men to step up and be strong and brave preachers, for I am sure you see how this world is turning out to be. So dont despair, God loves you dearly, He is the one who will carry you through…:)
Jenny says
Hi. I’m a new reader. I think I found your wonderful site thru links from Above Rubies. I have been having a hard night. I miscarried our 4th babe earlier this Summer. God is good and His healing has been amazing but about once a week I have a very hard night. Tonight is that night. Somehow I ended up here and read about Emmy, and read the above. And I had tears rolling down my face. Thank you for revealing your humaness! It is so comforting to me in this very raw and very human place I am in tonight as I long to feel a healthy child growing inside me but also long for God’s timing. It has meant a lot to me tonight. Thank you.
Amy says
{hugs} to you Jenny…God doesn’t call us to easy things, but His amazing love sees us through the hard things. Praying for you today.