I spent my growing up years being someone else. I was the people pleasing only child (my closest sibling is 14 years older). I became whoever I thought I needed to be in order to keep people happy.
I always admired those who had the courage to be unique, but unique I was not. There just wasn’t much there to define me. I cheered, I sang, I played volleyball, I got good grades. But I stood for nothing.
Now granted, a lot of teenagers don’t stand for much. They don’t even know there’s anything out there to stand for, so, I can cut myself some slack there. However, looking back, I can’t help but see wasted time. 18 years of trying to look like everyone else? Sad.
I was trapped in a copy and paste world. Yet I longed to be different. I stood in that fortress of safety surrounded by clones of myself staring out at a world that was both beautiful and frightening. Leaving my comfort zone was not high on my list of things to do.
Then, I grew up.
It was in college that I first began to recognize diversity. I began to consider who I really was now that I was in a place where no one knew me and I could reinvent Amy. I began questioning everything, thinking through everything, and finding my own answers to questions I’d always allowed others to answer.
Finally, I was finding myself on the outside of the status quo that had been my home for years. There were meadows and forests and fields to discover just as there were swamps and ditches and quicksand to muddle through. I tromped from one thing to the next, trying on life as one would try on garments in a store…discarding one thing, stuffing another in my Keep Pile. It was exhilarating and exhausting to be one person one day and a different person the next.
I also found myself looking about me at others in the great, wide world (because old habits die hard) and trying on the same things they had on. So-and-So looks smashing in her smart business suit…think I’ll try being her tomorrow, or Little-Miss-Fun always wears a hat…wonder if I could find me a hat so I can be fun too. It was all just part of the journey toward trying to figure out who Amy really was.
But one day I found myself on the outside looking in.
I craved stability. I wanted to stop reinventing myself. I wanted to wake up in the morning knowing who I was and not waiting on my latest whim to define me.
That is when I came to the understanding that the definition I was looking for was rooted in Christ. I could search and search and search, but never find a lasting identity in and of myself. Humans are just too fickle for such things.
When I recognized this, I found balance. I found the life I was looking for. It is a life that is neither looking out longingly or looking in regretfully. It is a life that is IN the world yet not OF the world. It is living the way God intended us to live…abundantly.
Does this mean I’m always balanced? Nope…I’m human. (fickle, remember) I have to continually be reminded that Jesus is our cornerstone and our living water. He provides stability and beauty. He offers us the opportunity to be ourselves AND be His. When we belong to the King there is no need to choose between the fortress and the field…they are both His and we can run and dance and sing and LIVE!
How are you living today? Abundantly?
Michelle says
Beautiful!
I, also, spent a lot of time searching for ‘who I am’ from a humanistic viewpoint, only to find out…I didn’t like the answer. (A lost sinner)
Only in Christ do I really appreciate myself. (A redeemed child or God!)
Lynnette Kraft says
Great post! That’s exactly what my book is going to be about! Remember when you asked me the other day about it – well, you just described it yourself.
Although, it’s going to go one step further and talk about trying to fit into molds as Christians, because so many do that too – in fact probably as much or more than those who don’t follow Christ.
I think it’s a very common problem and great to see people talking about it.
Thanks for sharing.
Love ya.
Lynnette
Dancing Barefoot on Weathered Ground
I am blessed! says
I think I’ve always been on the outside, but don’t know that I’ve ever spent much time looking in. My parents were outsiders, too, so I come by it naturally. I’m grateful they taught me about the Lord and encouraged me to stand for something even as a teen. I remember my dad studying creation science with me when I was taught evolution in school. My mom always made time to do so much for others. For me it’s never been hard not to be a people pleaser, but I’ve struggled with my selfishness. It’s funny that when you are living for the Lord, your life may look like that of a people pleaser, but what you do is done with completely different motives. My daily struggle is to die to self and live for Christ.
Amanda Sikes says
Wonderful post yet again. It was a great reminder to me that He is my dentity and I don’t need to be known by anything else.
God bless you and your family this week. He is using you in mighty ways to speak to other’s hearts. Or, at least mine. Thank you.
Jennifer says
I can identify so much with this! I am really trying to quit being a people pleaser and to quit being someone else. Thanks for this great post!
Kami says
I feel like I am reading my own story here – I can completely relate to this! Praise God that He is the Way 🙂 Thanks for sharing this!
Michelle says
I just discovered your blog. I really appreciate what you’ve said here–and in many of your other posts, too. Thank you for sharing.
MolleenCarie says
I can relate to this! Good post. God bless you.
Heart2Heart says
Amy,
I know that the older I have gotten the more I can accept who I am today and how I got there. I only wished I could have learned those lessons a whole lot earlier on!
Love and Hugs ~ Kat
FloridaMom2Seven says
Thanks for that post. I think one really nice thing about having a heart for Christ and also getting older is that we care less and less about being like someone else. We grow comfortable in ourself, and it is so freeing!
Jeff and Sarah says
I copied some of what you said and posted it on my blog…I hope that’s okay!
Sarah