
We are the parents of 10 children, one of whom is an adult (age 20 to be exact). He’s always told us he’s the guinea pig for all our plans and schemes, and for the most part it is true. He and his sister (age 17) have always been the “bigs,” and every parenting decision or lifestyle choice we have made has fallen on them first. If it wasn’t good, we regrouped and tried again. If it worked, we kept it. But, honestly, we failed WAY more than we succeeded whenever trying something new or implementing rules within our home.
Many of you have asked me to write on the topic of mistakes we’ve made, or things we would do differently now that we have graduated one child, so let me start with the mistakes we’ve made actually parenting an adult child living in our home.
First off, by many standards, 20 and in college does not equal ADULT. I get that. Probably more than ever. And that leads me to mistake #1:
I made turning 18 a big deal
Now, don’t get me wrong, 18 IS a big deal. It’s a special birthday event for sure. BUT, I talked it up so much, giving it the status of full-fledged adulthood, that it actually completely backfired on me. Our son began to believe that he could do ANYTHING he wanted because he was now 18. He cast off most of his household responsibilities (or complained endlessly about them), and began disregarding rules we had had in place for many years.
*I need to note here that Blake is still a “good kid” and has not caused any “real” trouble, but his disregard for household responsibilities has caused quite a bit of difficulty in our home since he turned 18. Thankfully, none of his actions have been illegal or dangerous…just irritating at times.
By making 18 such a big deal, I actually ended up inadvertently disconnecting our son from the family unit, even though he still lived here. Rather than easing him into his adulthood, I sort of made it sound like I was just going to throw him in the deep end and hope he knew how to swim. He’s always been very responsible and my right hand man in many things, but when he turned 18, a switch flipped, and he quit being helpful (without quite a bit of back talking and muttering under his breath).
While leads me to mistake #2…
Not writing up an agreement for an adult child living at home
Much later, and in many ways TOO LATE in the game, I ran across this information about writing up agreements for adult children living at home. Blake has never been difficult to parent, but parenting an adult is light years different from parenting a child.
Because I had made such a big deal about his turning 18, I had never considered needing a living agreement for what his responsibilities would be while still residing with us and going to college. It never crossed my mind. I guess I just thought we would either stick with the status quo, or we would ease into a new routine that was just as good. Instead we all flailed in an ugly and awkward way.
On the one hand, Blake figured he was going to college and working; therefore, his time at home was all his own, sans responsibilities of any kind. I assumed he would continue with most of the chores and responsibilities he had had for the previous 18 years, and that college and work would not interfere with those.
We were both wrong.
And then, when I did try to put rules and responsibilities in place, he would balk, try to step around them, or worse, I would forget what I had said and not have a gauge for whether or not he was abiding by our rules. A written agreement for your adult children living at home is critical. Don’t assume you’ll remember, and don’t assume they will abide by anything you say.
We didn’t create “bills” for our adult child to pay
Frankly, this one never even occurred to me, but makes good sense. As part of that written agreement, we should have clearly outlined some financial responsibility within the home.
My husband and I still don’t quite know what this looks like. He and I both were only a year out of high school when we got married, and neither one of us lived at home after 18, other than on holiday breaks (which by the way, also might require some written rules).
My freshman year in college my parents encouraged me NOT to get an outside job because they wanted me to focus on school. Ty had a workstudy job to help pay for his schooling on top of a substantial football scholarship. Once married, we simply did what we needed to do when it came to bills, and sometimes that required us to ask our parents for a loan. We lived in low income housing, picked up commodities (subsidized generic food) at the local community center, worked at the college and in the housing complex we lived in, and scrimped and saved every penny we got.
There were no bills that needed to be “created” because we had REAL bills. But when you have an adult child living at home with no bills, I think you do them a disservice. They get adult status with no responsibility? Something about that doesn’t compute. But again, this isn’t one we have completely figured out yet – proof positive our oldest really is a guinea pig.
Mistake #4 –
Over-parenting our college student
This is one my husband struggled with. He was deployed and at military schooling during the timeframe when Blake was “aging out.” So, while I was making a big deal of Blake turning 18, my husband hadn’t quite connected the fact that our son was no longer a kid. At one point, the two of them had a heart-to-heart, man-to-man discussion that really helped both of them see each other’s viewpoints. It was painful for both of them to realize Blake wasn’t a little kid anymore. He doesn’t come on vacation with us anymore. He can’t take spur-of-the-moment outings with the family. And frankly, he’s just not home that much these days. It was a transition that neither one of them was quite prepared for. Ty had to realize he couldn’t treat Blake the same way, and Blake had to realize his dad’s actions were only due to his wishing his son was still young.
Under-parenting our college student
This one was me – all me. Remember, I said I made a big deal of him turning 18? Well, with that came a complete and utter lack of parenting on my part. I was extremely proud of how responsible and well-prepared and adjusted Blake was for his age. At college orientation, I was one of the few parents who didn’t stay for the entire thing, and I didn’t even go to the parent’s session. (Mind you, I was pregnant. I’m pretty sure I was the ONLY pregnant mom there.) I just figured he had this. And for the most part, he did.
Related post: Preparing Your Homeschooled Child for College
BUT, I also under-parented at home. I had no real expectations for him when it came to responsibilities and attitude. That is, until I didn’t like his lack of responsibility and his less-than-charming attitude. I sort of just let him do his own thing, which eventually became extremely disruptive to the entire family. He was grouchy and annoyed with his siblings, he was staying up way too late, making way too much noise and waking up everyone in the house in the middle of the night. There needed to be rules, but I felt guilty about it. I couldn’t find the balance, and so for the most part, I just stuck my head in the sand and avoided parenting him at all.
Another mistake we made was…
Not requiring our son to save for the day when he would leave
We did encourage our son to save for his college education, and he was raised with a saving mentality, so he does have some savings to his name, but we failed to purposefully require him to save for “someday.” Moving out costs more than what you see on the surface. There are deposits, furnishings, and many other little extras you often forget to account for when you strike out on your own. Plus, we don’t “owe” him a car, a roof over his head, or even a college education. Retrospectively, we should have put down a specific figure for him to shoot for when it came to saving for his future, rather than just “encouraging” savings.
Mistake #7 (boy, have we made a lot of mistakes!)…
Telling our son what to do rather than letting him make decisions
Not everything in your adult child’s life should be your way or the highway. Yes, they live in your home, but part of crossing over into adulthood is learning to make decisions, handle problems, and manage affairs their own way…and it won’t always be the way you would do it.
I think we gave out WAY too much unsolicited advice that wasn’t even really advice, but more of an “expectation” that Blake would do it that way because that’s the way we thought it ought to be handled. So, in the instance of the previous “mistake,” we could have written down a figure for him to shoot for, BUT we should not tell him HOW to reach that goal (unless he asks), and we should avoid questioning his spending habits too much. (Did you see me cringe as I wrote that?)
This is typically more of a sticking point for the over-parenting parent, but even the under-parenting parent who has been used to things being done a certain way will come to assume that an adult child is being difficult when they try to do something a different way – or when they seemingly do NOTHING instead of taking care of something you think they ought to take care of.
In the end, your adult child has to pay the piper and face the consequences for their own decisions. If you always tell them what to do and how to do it, they become directionless and lacking even the most elementary of decision-making skills. Give advice without expectation. Let them fail or succeed on their own. Recognize their successes. Be there when they fail.
And finally (although, I’m pretty sure this isn’t our final mistake)…
Failing to recognize and respect our adult child’s autonomy AND limitations
I remember sitting in Blake’s college orientation and scoffing when the man on stage told the new students that they were still kids. This was coming from a school that has become famous for saying they are “not a daycare.” I have always said I was raising adults, not children, and that day in that auditorium, I was certain I had it all figured out.
But, I was wrong. While my adult child was gaining autonomy with a head full of his own ideas, his own plans, and his own way of doing things, he had limitations. In many ways, he definitely is still a kid. And in many ways, he definitely is now an adult. I failed to recognize this juxtaposition and respect where he actually is on this journey of life.
At some point, every parent and adult child has to establish an ADULT relationship that gradually moves from authority to peer. Nothing about that is easy. So, perhaps in a couple of years I’ll be writing a new post because by then I will have two adult children, and I’m sure I will have more mistakes to share.
Jodie says
What a brave, confronting post. Funnily enough, I was thinking of you (and particularly Blake) today and wondering how you’ve coped with the transition to college and all that it means. We are about to have our second child (first son) start university in February 2019 and I was reflecting on the things I want to do differently than with our oldest (who now lives away from home). We have made all of the same mistakes as you, and probably some others as well and I could see that I might be in danger of doing it all again if I don’t stop and think it out. Some of the problems are incredibly hard to reverse and cause a lot of dischord and disfunction in the home, and I’m always conscious of the example that is being set in front of the younger ones. Like you, our oldest children are “good” kids and never caused us serious worries but that doesn’t mean the path will be smooth. I found it really sad when I had to face the reality that our daughter was not going to be on most family outings with us now and that also our #2 and #3 had part-time jobs and often couldn’t do family things either. At first, we tried to wait until everyone could come along, then we realised that we just weren’t doing things and the littles were missing out!
I’ve often found myself saying to my older kids that they need to start thinking for themselves and being more independent because I need to focus on raising the younger set, which led to my under-parenting. Independent – sure, but I should be still keeping an eye on things with them and I found I wasn’t.
It is a relief to know that family concerns and mistakes made are not unique to us. I’m sure you will get a lot of feedback that will prove you are certainly not alone in adjusting to the child-adult transition. Thank you so much for sharing.
Amy says
Thank you, Jodie! It does help to know we are not alone! It’s a hard path full of unknowns and we just do the best we can.
Susan Geddes says
what a lovely post. You are so sincere and honest. You know what, don’t be too hard on yourself. Our elders are 24, 23 and 21 and we have made different mistakes with all of them! You have never parented a 20 year-old before – and when you have another, it will be a different 20 year-old! They’ve all had a slightly different experience of family and are all on their own journey, this snapshot of your son is not all who he is. You are doing your best and obviously love and care for all your kids deeply x
Amy says
Thanks, Susan! You know, he’s a great guy, and I’ve loved getting to know him as an adult. It’s just such unknown territory!
Rachel says
Thank you so much for this post! I so appreciate your honest transparency. You bring up excellent issues, and these things can happen with younger children, too. When kids get driver’s licenses, buy their own smartphones, or start going places with friends, the transition from child to adult begins to happen, and lots of these mistakes are right there waiting! We had to come up with a written agreement for our 17 yr-old high school son. It felt sad to have to do that, but it’s made our lives so much easier (even though we all had to make concessions we weren’t thrilled with) since we’re literally all on the same page now! 🙂
Jenny says
Thank you! This is exactly what I needed to read today. Very timely for me!
Missy says
Enjoyed the article, one that was thought provoking and life changing. I have got to ask though…does your son read your blog? Is he okay with you writing about him?
Amy says
Blake and I work closely with my videos and podcasts, and have always had good conversations on this topic. Some of these things are things he and I have talked extensively about. We’ve talked about doing a video together on the topic, but never can seem to pull it off.
Missy says
That is good to hear ?
Missy says
I’m sorry the question mark was supposed to be a smiley face…i am not sure why it changed!
Amy says
Something about my blog does that! It wasn’t you!
jennifer says
What a great post! Thank you for sharing!
Mica says
Thank you for your transparency, we are just entering this stage. By far it is the most challenging. Many of your mistakes have already been made, with that I find comfort knowing we aren’t the only ones. I wish I had a heads up about how unknown this stage was going to be, with that I share that information with all in my circle so that they will not be blindsided.
Amy says
It is such a totally different parenting experience for sure! Thank you for sharing with your friends!
Alison says
Amy, I too have a 20yr old son. He lived at home and attended our community college, and just moved out this June.
My husband and I made so made so many of these same mistakes. He became unhelpful unless the situation was dire, lol. It was pretty bad, because he was still a kid who thought he could do what he wanted… He wasn’t a bad guy and we totally enjoyed his company at home, but boy was I glad to see him leave. He needed to not have mom nag him over chores and he needed to be responsible (and enjoy the consequences of his laziness).
My daughter is now 18 and is also attending the same college and it is a totally different situation! She manages herself, her responsibilities, and helps out when she is home. I am very careful not to take advantage of her.
The next kid down is my 16yr old son. I am so grateful you wrote this post because I see the bad habits already beginning. I am going to work very hard to be clear about his responsibilities as he transitions these next 4 years.
Amy says
Sounds very much like our son. Good guy – we enjoy having him around – but two men in the house is more than enough! 😉
Lea says
Oh Amy this is so helpful! My oldest is just shy of 16, we have 7 kids, but I can already see some of these mistakes with him! Now I can “work” on them before he is 18. Thank you!!!!
KARYN says
Thank you so much for this post! We have a fifteen year old so it’s good to get advice from someone just a bit ahead of us!
Yvonne says
Amy,
Thanks for sharing. I could relate so much. I really appreciate your honesty and encouragement. I too have made similar mistakes regarding the transition with older kids. I really needed this.
Yvonne
Tracy says
That is funny, I thought I was the ONLY one to do mistake #1. which then lead to the other mistakes. Thanks so much for sharing.
Kim Rudolph says
Amen. I so appreciate this. Our oldest is severely handicapped, so no issues there he’s our forever child. Second oldest is a very compliant daughter. Then came #3, a very kingly type of young man. OH my. time to rewrite the book and re-figure our parenting skills. And we did some of things you did. Dad after some Biblical research saw several places in scripture where men weren’t counted among the adults till they were 20, like the those held responsible in the wilderness were 20 and above. So he has said your not an adult till 20. That comes this fall. Yes we have had the attitudes that he’s working outside jobs, not home so much and doesn’t need to tell use when he’s leaving or coming back and where he’s at outside of work. Generally he’s at some good family friends, but occasionally not. He’s not a bad kid or causing any problems. Everyone outside admires his hard work., But yes the attitudes have definitely changed at home. Need to do some research before the rest of the 7 under him come to this age. Another turned 18 this summer while away doing a summer job. She comes home in just 2 weeks. So we have some figuring out to do real quick here. Thanks for your input. This gives us a good starting place to do some research as our traveling adult fledglings return for the fall/winter. The oldest is very compliant and will go along with whatever. Which is not necessarily good. The next 2 though sweet, will not be pushed around if they feel they are being pushed in directions they don’t want to go We all need to pray that we have the mind of Christ as we revisit this stage of life. We all got a brake of sorts this summer with their summer jobs. But we also lost a child this summer which throws another wrinkle or 2 in the mix. Trying to piece life without our Naomi while time just keeps marching on for us and for our children. I just wish there was a pause button on everything but me so I could get it figured and things cleaned out and then restart when I feel I’ve got it figured out and 1/2 a clue as to what I’m doing. .
Christine says
Kim, I’m so sorry for your loss!
Sheila Carpenter says
I was not a big fan of this at the time, but I find myself sharing something my parents did with me.. This was post college, when I was working full time, although that may well be in part because I am the oldest and was fairly compliant so it took them a while to reach this point. But one day they say me down, and informed me that I now had to pay rent. $300 a month (almost $20 years ago). The first $100 I had to pay in cash, period. The other $200 I could choose to pay in cash, or work off around the house. For every hour of adult level housework I did (anything from making dinner for the family to cleaning bathrooms or doing laundry start to finish), I could take $20 off of that part of the rent. It was up to me to track the work I did and then pay accordingly. I was pretty upset when they first told me, but I quickly realized how much it cleared up the expectations and frustrations we were struggling with. I honestly don’t remember what they did with the money I did pay them, but you could easily save it and give it back to the child when (s)he moves out to help them get started.
Amy says
That is a FANTASTIC idea! Isn’t it funny how our opinions of certain things our parents enforced changes over the years.
TJ says
This hit me right where I am, thank you so much for sharing.
Kelli says
Excellent. I needed to hear this. Thank you for sharing. This will help lots of families.
Carrie Brown says
Thank you for this! We are in the same spot with 10 kiddos,our 1st being 20 (a son) and our 2nd turning 18 in just under a month. This is new terrritory! Thanks for the encouragement and the ideas
Adria says
I am SO happy someone FINALLY wrote something about parenting older kids!!! We are currently in this stage and boy did I need to hear we aren’t the only ones still trying to figure this out! Thanks Amy!!
Amy says
It’s a hard topic because it isn’t very cut and dried, but I do hope to continue to write more about parenting my older kids. Glad it helped!
Jennie says
I’m so glad you shared this! We have been having the same struggles here as well. I have two “adult” children living at home; they are a year apart. I have NOT figured this out yet either. I have found it to be the hardest part of parenting so far!
When they are babies, it’s pretty easy to figure out what they need. Once they are “adults”, it’s a bit more complicated.
Janetburkenpas says
Thank you for sharing
I disagree with the contract idea. I feel you should be communicating with you child as they are growing so when they reach this age they already know the expectation
Amy says
The reason for the agreement is that so much changes from the time they are directly under your care to when they become completely autonomous. You can’t really expect the same things out of them when they are working and going to school outside the home. That’s the reason for the contract – so everyone knows what is expected.
Heather says
Our oldest of 6 is about to turn 15, and I‘m so grateful for your sharing this as it gives me a clearer focus how to look at these next few years. Like you, we were married at 18. My parents hadn’t been very involved in my life for the few years beforehand, but I saw how even not living with family, the transition from child to adult was trickier with my in-laws who were accustomed to actively parents (and my husband to being parented.) I hadn’t before thought of how this particular difference between our own upbringings and our childrens‘ could make for a challenge.
We are a military family currently overseas too, and while that gives a lot of opportunities to practice independence, it also prevents many others that we expect to have during this time. I‘m already brainstorming how we can be deliberate with this part of the transition. Thank you so much, and pretty please keep sharing !
Amy says
I plan to!
Mandy Friend says
My oldest is 17 and I already find myself falling into some of these. He has always been strong willed and independent, and he homeschools and works full time for an electrician, so I’ve given him too much underparenting. He’s pulling the ‘but I work full time and do school’ card with household responsibilities, and I’ve let him. Sigh. Thank you for this and being humble enough to share your hindsight missteps.
Diana says
I loved this post! Bring on the parenting-of-older-kids articles!!! 🙂
Melinda says
What a great post, and I agree with these learning points, you’ve spoke of. I have 2 children out of the house- and agree I made a lot of those mistakes with my older 2. Now with our live in 18 year old- I’ve changed a few things. A thought on paying bills. Our rule is once they drive they are allowed a phone, and they pay a portion of the bill monthly. They also pay a portion of the insurance bill. So my 16 year old, once he’s at driving status (aka has a drivers liscence) he will start paying his portion of insurance.
Now with my 18 year old, she has graduated high school, and has been deciding what and where she wants to continue her education, if she wants to. We do have her pay us “rent” every month. This money is actually hers and will be given to her when she moves out, or if she wants to purchase something and needs the money. She wanted to go visit some friends and needed a little extra money to do this, so I gave her some of it. She also purchased a car, we paid for it, and she is paying us back. My oldest saved up enough money to purchase his own vehicle. That’s also a goal we have with our 16 year old. He has enough money to purchase s car, now.
Hope those thoughts are helpful. Thanks for your open honesty, and the fact you can admit that parenting is just a guessing game!! ? we live, we learn, we continue fighting the fight to do what is right.
Amy says
Great ideas, Melinda! Thank you for sharing!
Tessa W says
Wow. I so needed to read this! My eldest is just shy of 12 so I have some time to consider this, which is good because I’m just a long term planner. I, too, say that I’m raising adults but this is a good reminder that the shift to adulthood is really a journey over time and not a one day thing. We try to set major milestones based more on personality and responsibility level than age but age can be such a simple way to track things. Like getting a jackknife has happened at age 9 for our eldest two but will that work for my more fun-loving now 6yo? Maybe not! Add in milestones like a job on the farm, a cell phone, a job off the farm… lots to consider. I’m going to share this with my husband and I have a feeling it will be a great conversation starter.. or rather, conversation “continuer” as we have been talking about adult children since my eldest was first born… like I said, I’m a long-term planner 😉
Amy says
That’s about the age I started thinking about adulthood because you realize you are on the downhill slide. Keep up the good work!
Valerie D. says
What a timely post for me to find again as our oldest son turns 17 tomorrow and we begin to look at what this “last” year of childhood looks like…thanks for forging the path and sharing the humbling mistakes of parenting (we have had to make so many adjustments as well, and I half jokingly tell people we have so many kids because we keep trying to get this parenting thing right 😉 )….I’ve already put that book in my cart! <3
Amy says
Yes! Surely by the time my youngest is an adult I will have figured this out (not likely! lol).
Daina says
Holy cow, I needed this post today! My husband & I are dealing with a genius of a 20-year-old godson that we only had in our lives from age 10. Like all young people, he’s empowered by the belief that knowledge = wisdom, and although life is NOT fair, his determination & questionable debate tactics will change this world for the better. His newfound ability to absorb facts he doesn’t like & tolerate opinions he doesn’t agree with does NOT include immediate family, so needless to say, we’re USUALLY heartless monsters until he needs money, authoritative assistance, or a hug! ?
The coronavirus has presented a whole new set of challenges, however. When he was being irrational before, a little distance & cool down time helped him put things into perspective. With all of us back under the same roof, it’s like he’s 18 again; knows & challenges EVERYTHING, understands & does NOTHING. Since we take the virus seriously, he, of course, is taking the opposite stance, but his need to prove he’s an adult with his own mind could be DEADLY to all of us now. Since I’m the mom (translation: mean old harpy that yells at men & boys when they’re having fun so they have to DO stuff), I suggested to my husband that we create some sort of written agreement for expectations & behaviors. I thought if we had clear objectives, we’d have clear, objective discussions about facts & rules instead of emotional outbursts about opinions & misunderstandings.
This post not only validates that idea, but strengthens my resolve. Thanks for recharging my parenting cells today!!!?
Amy says
You are welcome! It’s tough and you have to just wade through it!
Kristen says
Thank you so much for sharing this. We are very near this point and appreciate the tips. Was there a book you recommended for helping navigate this?
Amy says
I don’t really have a book I recommend. We just sort of muddled through!
Julie says
Thank you for being vulnerable; I found this article helpful.