February 9th and into the wee hours of February 10th, I scrapbooked w/ my friend Sarah. The next morning, I awoke to my 7 month old Emily struggling to live. She passed away in the hospital a short time later.
That was the last time I scrapbooked.
I was an avid scrapbooker. I enjoyed it thoroughly. I had been documenting our family life from the time I got married. However, I could not imagine ever being able to scrapbook again. I wanted to…but the thought of reliving those memories was too much for me.
Well, for some reason, tonight I felt strong enough. I’ve found that I tend to do that…suddenly feel like I can handle that box in the basement, that drawer in the dresser, etc. And I have to do it right then and there or that feeling might go away.
I pulled out the pictures and the scrapbooking things and did 5 pages. It hurt and there was a lot of guilt and tough memories I had to work through, but there was also a sense of accomplishment…surviving yet another first.
I do know if I continue to scrapbook, I will eventually scrapbook Emily right out of our lives (as far as the scrapbooks are concerned). This is something that bothers me. There will come a point where she is no longer a part of family pictures or family albums.
As many of you know, this is something I live with in the every day world. It is also something that causes me deep grief. I see her. But, to the casual onlooker, she is not there and does not exist to them. And that is what will eventually happen with the scrapbooks.
Since my second child was born, I have always done a full scrapbook that goes from that child’s birth to the next child’s birth. This time it will go from Emily’s birth to Emily’s death. That pink scrapbook my mom lamented did not fit in with the rest of our color scheme will be of Emmy. Her life, our life with her, nestled between plastic page protectors. All of our memories bound up in pink. If I can ever bring myself to finish that book, I am sure it will be a cherished keepsake.
Q says
Interesting . . . the death of my daughter is what started me scrapbooking. Within just a few weeks of her death I was purchasing materials and taking a class. Her entire (20 month) life is now in a huge scrapbook. It was very cathartic for me – it showed me that her life really was wonderful . . . even if those last few moments weren’t. Yes, she’s been ‘scrapbooked’ out of this temporary earthly home, but I figure that’s the ultimate goal really – to be scrapbooked off of Earth and into Heaven. What a scrapbook THAT will be . . .
Mrs. Dan says
((hugs)) Dreading is always worse than doing. Working on Rebecca’s scrapbook was a wonderful time of remembering and now we have a book that we can look through anytime… and we smile. Maybe it was easier for me since she was my first child, so not precedent, but it was still a wonderful time of remembering the good times the Lord gave us with her during those 8 months.And yes, the book won’t fit the theme, but death never does. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it anyway. Now is time for a “new normal.”
The Munck Family says
Thank you for sharing your heart, and the road you walk daily. My heart aches for you and I pray for you so often. John 14:27
Ace says
Oh honey, I wish I could hug you. I have the same thing with my Dad, lost him ten years ago this fall. I didn’t want to see new commericals because they would be commercials that he hadn’t seen. Didn’t want to see new movies or read new books, because he wasn’t there to share it with. I can’t imagine your pain, I just know that you are so blessed to love her so and she is so blessed that her Mama will always love her. Do you remember the last scene in Titanic? Where Rose dies in her sleep and in her dream she is back on the Titanic and everyone is waiting there for her…I think that is how Heaven will be. It will be as if all your little one did was go to sleep and when she wakes up Mama will be there to take her from the loving arms of the Lord. And you will tell her all you did on this earth and how you missed her and longed for her and she will say “but I wasn’t gone very long” …Anyway, that I what I think. I think my Daddy is up ther having a wonderful old time and when I get there he will say “I was waiting for you”.Many Blessings 🙂 Thanks so much for sharing your heart. Do you tell your kids why you are sad? They should know so they can share their sadness with you and so they know it isn’t something they did.Just a thought.Ace
-:¦:- Tamara -:¦:- says
((hugs)) I still haven’t been able to finish my son’s scrapbook :*( It’s just so hard and you had the right words to capture those intense moments of grief. I’ve had to stop sharing my grief because it just became too much to share anymore. It’s my journey.Thank you for sharing this and I do hope that you will be able to finish that special treasure of your sweet little girl.Mrs.Cuddles
Vanessa says
I have just come across your blog looking up grief and mothers. My son Matthew was born 20 days ago. He lived for only an hour, due to a congenital abnormality that we knew about and therefore his death was not a surprise to us. However prepared you are to lose a child, the grief that follows is still a journey that I could never prepare for and obviously at this point there are still moments of huge sadness. This week we are on holidays for a change of scenery and we were taking a bushwalk (I am in Australia) and I was taking pics of my husband and 2 and a half year old daughter. I felt terrible that we could be taking pictures without Matthew and in our case, our family photos had gone from Mum, Dad, Anabelle, to Mum, Dad, Anabelle – they seem so the same as before, and yet so different, because there was a whole 9 month period in our lives when Matthew was “with us”. Not having him in our photos is how the rest of our lives on earth will be and that is sad.