February 9th and into the wee hours of February 10th, I scrapbooked w/ my friend Sarah. The next morning, I awoke to my 7 month old Emily struggling to live. She passed away in the hospital a short time later.
That was the last time I scrapbooked.
I was an avid scrapbooker. I enjoyed it thoroughly. I had been documenting our family life from the time I got married. However, I could not imagine ever being able to scrapbook again. I wanted to…but the thought of reliving those memories was too much for me.
Well, for some reason, tonight I felt strong enough. I’ve found that I tend to do that…suddenly feel like I can handle that box in the basement, that drawer in the dresser, etc. And I have to do it right then and there or that feeling might go away.
I pulled out the pictures and the scrapbooking things and did 5 pages. It hurt and there was a lot of guilt and tough memories I had to work through, but there was also a sense of accomplishment…surviving yet another first.
I do know if I continue to scrapbook, I will eventually scrapbook Emily right out of our lives (as far as the scrapbooks are concerned). This is something that bothers me. There will come a point where she is no longer a part of family pictures or family albums.
As many of you know, this is something I live with in the every day world. It is also something that causes me deep grief. I see her. But, to the casual onlooker, she is not there and does not exist to them. And that is what will eventually happen with the scrapbooks.
Since my second child was born, I have always done a full scrapbook that goes from that child’s birth to the next child’s birth. This time it will go from Emily’s birth to Emily’s death. That pink scrapbook my mom lamented did not fit in with the rest of our color scheme will be of Emmy. Her life, our life with her, nestled between plastic page protectors. All of our memories bound up in pink. If I can ever bring myself to finish that book, I am sure it will be a cherished keepsake.