Sometimes the idea of being sympathetic toward your child conjures up images of a sappy mother being manipulated by screaming, whining children who know their every whim will be given in to because mom can’t stand to say no.
Those of us trying to raise adults can easily find ourselves in a knee-jerk reaction to this type of child-centered child rearing. We run the opposite direction and all too often become a bit cold and distant, nodding and smiling at our children without true emotion behind our eyes.
We have to learn to separate the word sympathetic and the word pushover.
“Sympathetic” would describe the parent who is actively involved and interested in his child’s life, interests, amusements, concerns, fears and delights. It is the parent who makes time to ask questions, talk, and respond to a child…Each child needs a different voice of discipline, a different touch of mercy, and a different word of encouragement.
Sally Clarkson
Educating the Wholehearted Child
Think about how you feel when someone actually listens to you. Think about how you feel when someone blows you off. Who are you more apt to take advice from? Who are you more apt to come to with a problem? Who are you more apt hide your true feelings from?
So, how do you lend a sympathetic ear without teaching your children the entire world revolves around them?
Listen – closely and fully. Don’t try to cut your child off midsentence because you are sure you know what they are going to say. Don’t halfheartedly listen to them. Listen, don’t just hear.
Learn to discern. This is a very difficult thing for mothers. We were created to mother. We were created to kiss boo-boos and cuddle little ones. However, not every cry or whine truly needs our intervention.
Is this is a chance for training? If the problem I am hearing about involves something that could be a learning experience for my child, I’m more apt to try to guide them toward taking care of the problem with or without my help. For instance, are they having an issue with a sibling? Rather than take sides, I need to step back and guide the siblings toward ways they can resolve the issue.
Advice or a shoulder? Years ago I had a dear friend whom I would call with my latest parenting crisis. She would start the conversation with, “Do you need advice or a shoulder to cry on?” While our children probably can’t verbalize which one of these they need (unless they are older), we need to do our best to tell the difference and offer the right one.
Mercy, grace, and love. Even if they are trying to manipulate us, our responses still need to show a measure of mercy, grace, and love. Be firm, but gentle.
So, my question to you today is which type of mother do you tend to be? Over-sympathetic, under-sympathetic, or just right?
Marianne @ Abundant Life says
Lots of wisdom here, Amy. Blessings to you as you prepare for you latest edition!
Jamie @ Love Bakes Good Cakes says
Thank you so much for hosting, Amy. This post is a really great reminder of how we should be!
Kate @ Modern Alternative Mama says
I definitely tend to be under-sympathetic. I’m the mom who, if the kid comes to me crying because they tripped, I’m like, “You’re okay, it’s hardly bleeding, walk it off.” I tend to downplay stuff a lot. But I’m not liking how that’s reflecting back at me — if I burn myself while cooking, my oldest will say, “Mom, you’re fine. Be more careful next time.” I don’t really like hearing that, so I’m trying to talk differently too! We can show them sympathy in times when they need it without being overly sympathetic. I want to show them sympathy when they’re unhappy or struggling and just accept their feelings. Not “give in,” it has nothing to do with that. Just hear them out and let them know I understand…even if, for example, it’s because they didn’t get what they wanted and that doesn’t change.
Alana Dalene says
Wow. This is timely for me. Just a little while ago, one child was having some emotional difficulties and your information here gives me courage to pursue my son in just the right way.
I guess I would think I am over sympathetic sometimes, and then occasionally not the ear they need to listen. It’s quite a challenge. I do need to remember to pray for discernment.
Thanks, Amy! >
Crystal @ Serving Joyfully says
So true 🙂
Roan says
I just realized that I left my comment under the wrong post. Please see your giveaway post to see what I wrote about being a sympathetic mother.
Have a great day! 🙂
myheartsmission says
Thank you for sharing this post, a good reminder to be intentional when I am listening to my children and to give them my full attention. Being firm but gentle can be a tough balance, esp. when emotions are running high. But I know from experience when my emotions are kept in check, I usually have less regret about how I respond.
Undersympathetic has definitely been my tendency- good food for thought. God bless you.
Megan says
Wow, I love what your friend would ask you. What a great way to be supportive! I think I tend to be under-sympathetic, maybe b/c we’re dealing with some very whiney phases right now. I love the guidelines you gave, though!
Preslaysa says
I tend to be oversympathetic when I’m not conscious about this. However, I know that to parent with intention means I should always their future character in mind by asking myself: “What kind of adult would I like my son/my daughter to be?” This question keeps me from being oversympathetic.
Sarah says
I know I am under-sympathetic. I have 2 daughters and 1 son, and my oldest is VERY emotional, as her father was when he was young. He tends to be more sympathetic because he remembers what it was like – I tend to roll my eyes and impatiently respond with ” Why are you crying now?”. Not the response she needs, and the Lord is having to stretch me a LOT to offer her sympathy and an attentive ear. But I know if she has my ear now, and I capture her heart, I won’t lose her later. Hope you’re feeling great, Amy!