I met Nony at the Savvy Blogging conference and was immediately charmed by her wit and candor. So, I am absolutely delighted she agreed to do a guest post for me while I enjoy my Babymoon. The topic she addresses here is so very important in the raising of our daughters, and in turn, it becomes important in the raising of our sons as well. Read on and be blessed!
Even though she’s only four, my daughter is learning to be a woman.
And the vast majority that she is learning . . . she’s learning from me.
Whether it’s how to be a mother, how to treat a husband, how to respond to others, or how to pluck one’s eyebrows, she’s watching me all the time.
Daughters are special. I had two boys before mine came along, and though I absolutely love being a mom of boys, I remember longing to someday have a child who cared, even a little bit, about what she wore. My boys could wear house shoes and a bathing suit . . . to church . . . and not even notice that they looked a little out of place.
God granted my desire . . . and then some.
My daughter is tough (as is required of a girl with two big brothers), but she has a definite sense of style. She knows what she likes and she knows what she doesn’t like. When she was about 18 months old, I pulled a hand-me-down dress out of her drawer. It was cute, but out of style. In my mind, it was perfect for wearing on a day at home. I made the mistake of asking her, “Do you want to wear this?” Her response was to laugh and say, “Uh, noooo!” (Read that in the way you think a pre-teen would say it, and you’ll be reading it right.)
I knew early on not to entertain any delusions that we would somehow avoid the age-old mother-daughter struggle over clothes. While obviously I’m not a seasoned mother on this subject, it’s something I’m very mindful of. And I have a great example in my own mother of how to teach modesty to a girl with a mind of her own . . . . ahem.
1. Start now.
My goal is to avoid surprising her with modesty rules. If it wouldn’t be appropriate when she’s thirteen, it isn’t appropriate now. I don’t want to give her a reason to ask, “Why can’t I wear this today when you let me wear one just like it in kindergarten?”
But it’s hard. Some little girl clothing is so adorable, until you really start to look at it. I used to be a garage-sale-aholic. I bought and bought and bought clothes for her. I remember going through some things, and suddenly my eyes were opened when I picked up a certain dress. Although cute, it was cut in a way to accentuate the bust. Seriously, on a 2T dress. Most people wouldn’t even notice, but if you paid attention, you could see that the design was intended to draw the eye there.
The chances that she’ll develop physically before she develops an understanding of the implications of dressing seductively . . . are about 100%. It’s my job to make the judgment calls.
2. Model modesty.
The main way my daughter is learning modesty right now is by observing me. This summer, when we bought her swimsuit, it came with a little skirt. She wore that skirt and loved it . . . because my swimsuit has a skirt. It may not be normal in the world’s eyes for little girls to have skirted bathing suits, but it’s normal in her world, because she sees me being modest.
3. Respect her standards if they’re higher than mine.
Sometimes, I have to respect her modesty standards . . . even when they’re higher than mine. Early last summer, I dressed her in the cutest white top with sundress-type straps. It covered everything it needed to cover, but for some reason it felt bare to her. After a few minutes, she asked if she could change, because she thought the back of the shirt was too low.
It was so tempting to try to force her to wear this outfit. I’d picked it out for the occasion, the colors coordinated with her brothers’ clothes, and she looked adorable in it. But what would I be teaching her if I asked her to wear something that didn’t “feel right€” to her? Do I really want her to learn to be comfortable in something that feels like it’s revealing too much?
4. Choose my battles.
This is an age-old mothering dilemma. Which battles are worth my energy, and which ones really matter?
Like I said before, she has her own sense of style. It is important for her to pick out her own clothes everyday. Sometimes she takes great joy in matching the pieces of outfits, but sometimes she takes even greater joy in creating an ensemble of pieces that only a very creative mind would think to put together.
I generally choose not to fight these battles. If I choose to fight clothing-battles when my own pride is the only issue, then certain-to-come confrontations over modesty won’t carry any more weight than mixing stripes and plaids.
Parenting is never easy. Every single day, there are decisions to be made that affect who our children become. Looking to the future, working to teach our daughters to be the women God wants them to be, can be a heavy weight for mothers. But if we don’t look ahead, we’ll miss out on so many opportunities to guide them along the way.
Nony is a mother of three, and has chosen to make her family her life’s work. She blogs at A Slob Comes Clean, where she shares the struggles, successes, and failures that she experiences on her journey to an orderly home.
Annie @ Beauty In The Surrender says
Such a great post! One of the things I do with my 3 year old daughter is, after she is dressed, I tell her to show her daddy to see what he thinks. There are times when he tells her to change not because he doesn’t like what she has but rather so that she can get used to hearing this from her dad and want to please us with what she wears. We too have two boys and a girl. I want her to show modesty in her actions and dress. I believe by having her daddy see what she wears and gaining his approval it is setting the course for her tween and teen years. She likes showing her clothes to her daddy and often times will get dressed and go in herself with out me telling him to show daddy what she has on.
Carey says
This subject is so dear to me because I think so many mothers think this is something u deal with later. My mom though wonderful and a good role model never talked to me explicitly about modesty. I’ll never forget being 16 and realizing for the first time as a christian woman I had a Responsibility to dress modestly. It was a big turning point for me. I’m so aware of teaching this to my daughter and at the same time protecting her innocence. Its astounding how our culture feeds these messages of sexiness and so on to even our toddlers!
Thanks for a great post!
Gary Taylor says
Well done. Odd that a septugenarian grandfather would be so interested. It’s the book. And the life. Being a generational father, team fathering with soninlaw over “our” five, I mean. So, we are deeply interested in how dads, and the generational dads called “grand,” can do their part to assure the modesty of their daughters.
I’ll add that having read story of Emily touched deeply. Though our “baby” was a 31-year-old warrior, his death by Cancer changed our life. Thus, the book and the blog (www.gendads.com) and the passion to continue fathering ’til the end.
Rebecca Sarine says
I really like your 3rd point. Its one I have never thought about but makes great sense.
Nony the Slob says
Carey, you’re right. ALthough my mother and I had many struggles over this, as soon as I did understand the implications of how I dressed, I was extremely grateful that she chose to fight the battle.
Rebecca, ironically, since I wrote this, we’ve had a big instance of exactly that point. She started dance class and did NOT like wearing the leotard and tutu. (Hard for me to understand because I would have wanted to live in that stuff.) Even though I’d love to make her look adorable for every class, I bought her some plain black shorts and a t-shirt to wear and she’s as happy as she can be about it.
Dakota says
Well said on all points! My mom chose to let me make my own decisions about clothes, and looking back at my teen years, I’m ashamed at how immodestly I dressed. Sounds like you’re a great role model and mother for your daughter!
April says
Thanks for this post! I’m a mom of 3 (two boys and a baby girl) who began dressing modestly when I was pregnant for my daughter. People often ask me why I don’t wear pants anymore, or skirts below the knees, and I’m proud to tell them that I’m setting a good example for my daughter. I’m glad others feel the same!
Evie says
Love this! I am doing the same as Annie. My girls LOVE to show their daddy what they are wearing. Sometimes he’ll have them change, sometimes not. I have 6 (3 of each!) They are 13, 5,4,3,2,and 10 months old. My 13 year old (son) told me last year that he didn’t think girls should be allowed to wear swim suits. They bothered him, as they were *like a bra and underwear, even if they are a one-piece*. I was so proud of him, and like to share his comment with others. I was told more than once that he *needed to get over that!* Ummmm, NO! Keep it up, son, and be an example to your brothers, sisters, and friends!!! (and friends parents, apparently!)