Attitude from your pre-teen or teen daughter doesn’t have to be your new normal. Here are simple, yet powerful, ways to ease the attitudes and build

Listen to the podcast – Girls & Their Attitudes
I don’t have to tell you that as your daughters grow into their teenage years you will see some incredibly hormonal behavior. But, it tends to be the attitudes that come with those hormones that cause the most angst and struggles between mothers and daughters. Let’s dig into these attitudes and find ways to dissolve them (hopefully before they even begin) while building amazing relationships with our girls at the same time!

Teen Girls Feel Misunderstood
In a world where hormonal emotions are running wild, teenage girls often feel no one understands them – least of all, their parents. However, they are rarely able to communicate what exactly they feel misunderstood about. Which causes even more misunderstanding.
While it may be tempting to brush off what your daughter is feeling or experiencing as childish and annoying, remember, whatever it is she is going through is very real to her. Telling her to “suck it up, Buttercup,” is only going to widen the rift between you, causing her to shut you out and look elsewhere for validation.
Instead, take time to sit down with your daughter and help her work through what she’s feeling misunderstood about. If she can learn to verbalize her emotions and struggles, she can begin to learn to deal with them and you will actually learn more about her – creating an inseparable bond.
What to Do
- Make time for heart-to-heart talks (even when she doesn’t seem to need it)
- Listen more than you talk
- Help her sort out what she really feels (you may think she’s angry when really she’s sad)
- Help her work through why she feels misunderstood (was there an issue with a friend, did she not get to do something she really wanted to do, etc.)
What to Avoid
- Attacking her feelings (“That doesn’t make sense!”)
- Criticizing anyone else involved (she can’t control other people, just her reactions to other people)
- Making generalizations (no one is always right or always wrong – making sweeping statements about feelings and circumstances tends to make people feel they haven’t been truly heard)
Teen Girls are Unsure of Themselves
Even the most confident teenager has moments of self-doubt. My
Even adults bristle when they feel criticized! No one wants to be criticized, but teens in particular have a hard time accepting criticism because they are already quite unsure of themselves. Their ability to discern the true nature of the criticism – is it corrective or degrading? – is not honed enough to figure out what to do with it, so they almost always cop an attitude (or dissolve into a puddle of tears!).
Consider this – –
Attitudes in girls are often
That need to defend themselves at its deepest roots is because they don’t trust their own decisions but they desperately want to avoid looking stupid. Some particularly strong-willed girls will fight to the death to defend a poor decision simply because they need to fight their own self-doubt. Attitudes convey power and confidence – even when it isn’t truly there
What to Do
- Give your daughter opportunities to try new things and go new places.
- Ask your daughter’s opinion on things around the house. This helps her to see that you respect who she is and are confident in her ability to make sound decisions.
- Look for things she does well and
praise her for those things. Conversely, encourage her in the things she’s not as good at.
What to Avoid
- Seeing her behavior as synonymous with who she really is.
- Attacking her character or personality.
- Trying to “knock her down a notch” by belittling or pointing out her faults.
Bonus Idea!
Help your daughter see her true potential by encouraging her giftings! If she is particularly blessed in an area, compliment her and go the extra mile by giving her the resources she needs to take that gifting to the next level.
Read more about this idea here:
Investing in Real World Homeschooling

Teen Girls Still Need Mom
Attitudes tend to separate mothers and daughters, but despite what your daughter may say to you deep in heart she still needs you and it would be a grave mistake for you to pull away.
Your daughter may act all prickly, and you may feel all prickly, but take a deep breath and be there for her. Take her places, do things with her, talk to her, hug her, listen to her, mother (not smother) her through this.
What to Do
- Now more than ever take the time for mom-daughter dates. Take turns choosing where to go and
learning more about each other. - Simple things count – sitting next to her, giving her a hug or a smile, writing a little note, encouraging her, buying her favorite gum all speak volumes to her about how you feel about her.
- Acknowledge who your daughter is becoming. She’s not a mini-you, she’s her own person. Your relationship will be much richer if you learn to enjoy her individuality.
What to Avoid
- Bribing her.
- Guilting her.
- Pleading with her.
- Withholding your affection when she is having an attitude.
The Ultimate Goal
You are your daughter’s anchor in this crazy world. Through you, she sees a picture of Christ as her ultimate anchor. Even if she hasn’t chosen to follow and trust in the Lord, your job is to lead and disciple in a Christ-like manner, training her in the way she should go.
One of the most important things you can do for her is to focus your own heart and mind on the Word of God. Go through the Gospels and consider who Jesus is and how he related to people during His years on this earth – especially those disciples with attitude problems. Never expect her to be perfect. Never expect perfection in yourself. Always turn your heart and hers toward the Cross.
Do you have boys too?
Read my post: How to Parent & Discipline Boys & Their Attitudes
Sarah says
Thank you…I needed this. My oldest daughter is 10 and she’s changing so much!
Kristine says
I LOVE this post! I have 6 girls, and my oldest is 10, so I’m just starting to see some ‘attitude’. But I love the format of this post, it covers everything with the do’s and don’ts, and I wish you had one just like it for boys.
Thank you!
Amy says
I may try to redo the boys’ post I did a while back to make it this same format. 🙂
Jill Levesque says
I’ve never left a comment on a blog before but I have to say- THANK YOU!!! You may have just saved my daughter’s and my relationship from further (or permanent) damage. She is 14 and VERY strong willed! I have been dealing with these exact issues and this has given me a whole new prospective. Unfortunately I see quite a few mistakes I’ve made in the “Things to Avoid” sections. Thank you for being a resource for ideas on what do do and not to do. I needed this. Seriously, THANK YOU!
Amy says
You are so welcome, Jill! 🙂
Manda says
This was great! Thanks so much. I have a 9 year old that thinks she is at least 16 and my husband and I work with the teens at our church. I see how some of the girls in air group have great parents and that are parenting them well. On the other hand, I also see girls that are not patented well or even at all and the difference is remarkable. I pray that my husband and I can parent well during the teens years as we have 5 girls to go through them.
Amy says
You totally can! Stay engaged, and you’ll do great!
Valerie says
Hi Amy,
I love your blog and it is probably the only one that I read every single post! I have a question about attitude in little girls. I have three boys and one girl, she’s in the middle, just turned five, and has a lot of attitude. We are doing our best to raise them in the fear and adminition of the Lord tempered with grace and love. She has a lot of screaming outbursts especially with one brother. I know at times he is at fault and other times she is. She is *very* independent and strong minded. I want to know how to reach her heart better as she often doesn’t receive discipline well, and just direct these personality traits in a good direction.
Thank you,
Valerie
Amy says
Hi Valerie! Thank you so much for the kind words! Some of it is her age because I see this with my own 5-year-old and his brothers. He’s at a difficult age because he can’t play at their level and ends up feeling like a 3rd whee which creates huge attitude problems. It has taken a lot of patience and talking to keep the peace. And I imagine it will continue for a while. Most likely, your daughter simply needs to know she is being heard, and that justice won’t always swing in her favor just as it will not always swing in her brother’s favor either. I’ve also told my kids when they start screaming that I cannot hear them when they scream and I cannot help them when they scream. Just keep going – you’re doing great!
Reggie says
I just had to make a quick comment in regards to your little girl not handling discipline well. I also had a VERY strong-willed and independent little girl (12 years old now!)and I noticed a distinct pattern in her attitude towards discipline. When she broke a clearly defined ‘rule’ she took her discipline with had held high; she knew going in what to expect and she was prepared to accept the consequences of her actions. HOWEVER, in ANY matter where the rules/guidelines/expectations had not clearly been stated beforehand, she would have a complete meltdown over discipline. Strong-willed children THRIVE on boundaries. Yes, they are more apt to push the limits and cross those boundaries, but they need to do it on their own terms, not by ‘mistake’. Your daughter’s reaction to discipline may very well be because of feelings of insecurity due to not having VERY clear boundaries. It is a tedious undertaking for sure, but so, so worth it in the long run. I do hope that helps; I could have avoided many a meltdown had I caught on sooner! =)
reggie says
Sorry. Head held high, not ‘had’.
Candice says
Thank you for sharing. I have a 7 year old and I see what your saying is true. But I’m not very organized and I feel like that has a lot to do with it.
Erica says
This is a breath of fresh air! My oldest girls are starting puberty early, and the attitude is here. My 9 year old especially has an attitude at times. This helped me remember how I intend mothering to look like during this time. Thank you!
Amy says
You are welcome! Sometimes we just need to remember. 🙂
Reggie says
this was so timely, thank you! we are just entering that ‘misunderstood’ age with our oldest. I remember it so well myself, but as I did not have a good relationship with my mother, I had NO IDEA what to do for our girl other than NOT do what my own mother had done. Thank you so very much for your encouraging words and godly insights. I felt compelled to break out a pen and paper and take notes!!!
Amy says
It’s tough when our role models didn’t model it well. You can do this!
Chrissy Townsend says
I needed this as I am right in the middle of this. I have a wonderful daughter. Thanks for making me think and act on some of the things you mentioned .
Amy says
You are welcome! 🙂
Elizabeth says
Thank you , I have 5 girls and this really spoke to my heart , thank you for your insight .
MeganPlohocky says
I have listened to the podcast that goes along with this post twice now. My girl is 9 and I may need to re-read this often. Thank you so much. I love your blog and podcast.
Amy says
Aww, thank you!