We know what she looks like, the Perfect Mom…
She awakens in the morning to do her daily devotions with a freshly brewed cup of tea, she then dons her makeup and a cute little outfit (that fits just right on her cute little frame). She makes the perfect breakfast, and everyone loves it. She kisses her husband goodbye as he trots off to work, and turns her full focus to her children, who lovingly gaze up at her, cheerfully ready to do her bidding. They work side by side tidying their already immaculate home, singing in perfect 4-part harmony as they clean. They spend the rest of the morning nestled on the couch reading several chapters in one of the many long books she has chosen to read aloud to them throughout the years. For lunch, she prepares a nutritious and delicious spread of food, much of which she canned from her garden earlier in the year, and dinner is just as spectacular. She manages to juggle a house full of children, homeschooling, and all the household chores effortlessly. She never complains, cries for no reason, or acts selfishly. Her children rarely misbehave, and when they do, she always deals with them in a just manner, quoting the perfect scripture and smiling with tenderness.
We all *think* we know one…this Perfect Mom.
We are just sure Susan Whats-her-bucket down the street with her beautifully manicured lawn and flawless appearance and exceptionally well-behaved children is one of those Perfect Moms. We are just sure she doesn’t have the last 3 days worth of laundry sitting in a crumpled heap on her couch, we are positive her floors are not the least bit sticky, and we are certain she has never spoken harshly to her children.
We look up to her and fear her all at the same time. We tell ourselves we should be more like Her. When we do something “wrong,” we think to ourselves, “She wouldn’t do that!” When our house is a mess, we hope She won’t come over unexpectedly! We want to be just like Her, but we don’t know how. We feel like failures because She is perfect and we are miserably less than that.
I’ve struggled for years with wanting to appear perfect. I didn’t really think I could *be* perfect, but I thought for sure I could *look* perfect. Everyone would *think* I was perfect. Having a large family and homeschooling did not change that either–it magnified it!
You see, when you do something that is not the norm, you tend to reap criticism. Going against the flow gets you a lot of bumps and bruises. You cannot just flippantly tell someone you’ve had a bad day, because inevitably it will be “your own fault.” It will be your own fault for homeschooling, your own fault for having so many children, your own fault for not getting a job and helping to support the family. If you can’t “do it all” then you shouldn’t do any of it.
It is troubling when the stranger you meet in the parking lot is the one pointing out your less than perfect-ness, but it is 10 times more hurtful when it comes from someone you know, and 100 times more damaging when it comes from a fellow Christian. They point that finger of judgment at you…the one that screams feminism from inside a mangled conservative Christian shell. You “ought” to be able to do it all, be it all, and never ever wear out. If you do happen to wear out, no one will come to your aid because we are all too busy with our own quest for perfection. I do it all by myself…why can’t you?
Often, it is our own perceptions of those we admire that lead us down the path of desiring perfection. We believe so-and-so always does things perfectly. We pretend to be just like so-and-so with the hopes that practice really does make perfect.
But, we were never meant to be perfect. We were created to always fall short.
I will get married and not always be the perfect helpmeet. I will have children and not always deal with them justly. I will homeschool and forget to teach something. I will not be perfect. Not because I don’t want to be, but because I was designed (as was everyone else on this planet) not to be.
In 2 Corinthians 12, it says:
And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
So often, we as homeschool moms diligently compare ourselves to others. We want to know how we measure up. We haul our children to standardized testing, we ask every homeschool mom we meet what curriculum they use in case they use the perfect curriculum we’ve been looking for, we study scope and sequences looking for the gaps in our teaching, we feel weighed down by the scrutiny of those on the “outside.” We feel weak, and we don’t like it.
Even as Christian women in general, we want to be the Proverbs 31 woman every second of our lives, we want to always get it right. We read Christian literature and find ourselves wallowing in guilt for not being perfect like the author or the fictional character created by the author.
Or maybe it is Susan Whats-her-bucket down the street who makes us feel inadequate–intentionally or unintentionally. We try to copy her life (or what we perceive to be her life), only to find ourselves exhausted and irritable.
But, guess what…
Susan Whats-her-bucket, and the author of that Christian book, and even the relative who likes to remind you of all your faults aren’t perfect either. Don’t think I say that flippantly. Really listen closely…hear what I am saying…
God created them with faults too.
Maybe they are well hidden, maybe you don’t know the person well enough to be able to see their faults, or maybe they are drowning in their own insecurities and fears, and use a false guise of perfection to try and stay afloat. No matter what you see on the outside, you can be certain they all have imperfections.
We may feel as though the revealing of our imperfections opens us up to ridicule and criticism. But it will not be the imperfections that will cause our persecution, for 2 Timothy says:
Yes, and all who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will suffer persecution.
It is Jesus, working in our lives, working through our weakness and through our imperfections, that will offend. It will offend those who have bought the lie of feminism. It will offend those who have bought the lie of humanism. It will offend those who have bought the lie of feel-good Christianity.
Once we throw off the fetters of perfectionism, we will feel weak. We will want to grasp at some “-ism” type crutch to make us feel strong. But, in time, that crutch will fall, and so will we.
The only way to finish the race is to walk toward the Son, focusing on His perfection. It is only through Him that I can get up every morning refreshed, and go to bed every night fulfilled. If my marriage is successful, it is only through His perfection. If my children behave, it is only through His perfection. If my children grow up following Him, it is only through His perfection. It will not be my own fault, because I am not perfect,
and neither are you.
Angela @ Homegrown Mom says
Dang, I really needed to read this today. Very well said 🙂 You just totally blessed me.
.-= Angela @ Homegrown Mom´s last blog ..Wednesday Workbox Day =-.
mary says
Thankyou I really needed to read this
Deedee says
Thanks for that Amy! I don’t try to be perfect that much but I do struggle with the feeling that I have to put on a perfect front to others because homeschooling is SOOOO odd here in England.
I’m not allowed to have a bad day and wish to get away from my kids for a few hours – because it is my own fault for not putting them in school like ‘normal’ families do! I’m not allowed to be stressed over finances because we are obviously wealthy if I stay home and school the kids and don’t get a job like ‘normal’ women do. (Never mind the fact that I foster, do in home daycare and run a homeschooling business from home because we need the money!!)
I just have to keep my struggles to myself most of the time because the stress they add with the condemnation of our life choices is simply not worth the hassle!!!
Thanks for letting me know I’m not the only one! Have a great day!! :o)
Vania says
Amy,
Thank you so much for this post! It has really spoken to my heart this morning and was something that I really needed today!!! May the Lord continue to bless you for your faithfulness to Him.
Blessings,
Vania
Dawn says
Amy, This was your best post ever. Thank you for it.
.-= Dawn´s last blog ..We’re birdin’ in the rain… =-.
Desi says
I have to add my Amen, as well! What a wonderful post, Amy! My DH and I were discussing just this very thing last night!
.-= Desi´s last blog ..Snails, Sales, and Prayers =-.
Celee says
I just posted about not feeling I measured up in terms of homeschool organization. I’m taking some babysteps to try to fix that, but thanks for the encouragement that it’s ok even if I’m not super duper organized:)
.-= Celee´s last blog ..Baby steps to homeschool organization =-.
Nicki Bourgeois says
AMEN!
Jen Ownby says
You have no idea how meaningful this post is to me. Last night I sat up on facebook for way longer than I should have ( as soon as I laid my head on my pillow both babies woke up for an all night rocking party ) but I sat there looking at my old friends from years ago who are just now having babies and their houses are huge and really clean like a movie. I sat there second guessing my self on the mom I am. I have 6 kids and my house will never be “clean” my laundry gets all caught up to have the kids come dump 4 baskets right back down. You gave me awake up this morning. I was showering this morning and God smacked me in the head too. Thank you
CW says
Thanks,Amy. I definitely feel that pressure to be the perfect mom in public to make our faith and homeschooling look better. Maybe I’m only making it look more out of reach.
On the other hand, there is that family in our homeschool group whose many kids are always dirty and often sick. The parents look grumpy, and they complain so much. They can’t be helping the reputation of homeschooling either.
Betty says
Great Post. I always “feel” good when I realize that the mom I thought was perfect isn’t. I mean it helps to see that right?
We live in a fallen world, therefore we are not perfect. We may strive to be, and probably should, but in reality we won’t get there, so we must accept it.
By not accepting the fact that we can’t be perfect this side of heaven, we set ourselves up for depression and other issues. It is fine to strive to improve ourselves, but to expect ourselves to be perfect, sets us up for failure.
.-= Betty´s last blog ..Our Large Family’s Age Appropriate Chore List for Children Ages Birth to Six =-.
JessieLeigh says
What a wonderful post- this spoke to my heart so very much. I spend way too much time trying to live up to the impression that others have of me. I’m not even sure where that impression came from, but now I feel like if I don’t make it my reality every day then I have somehow failed. Thank you so much for the reminder… we have all been perfectly designed. 🙂
.-= JessieLeigh´s last blog ..Seriously. Pro-Life. No Matter What. =-.
Cari says
What a “perfect” post for today. Thanks for writing this–it was exactly what I needed to hear as I crawl out of morning sickness and back into the mess that four young children make when mom is on the couch for 8 weeks. “We were created to always fall short” I think I’m going to go write that on my mirror!
Michelle says
By the grace of God alone I overcame comparing myself with others and there was always ONE other that I compared myself to.
What awful shackles to be bound to. They held me down for years.
Now my only desire is for this imperfect self to continually be transformed into His Image!
I did laugh at this,
“we ask every homeschool mom we meet what curriculum they use in case they use the perfect curriculum we’ve been looking for, we study scope and sequences looking for the gaps in our teaching,”
because I still struggle in this area. Not so much anymore because I am concerned with my image but because I still don’t feel like some things are working!
Thank you for sharing that and re-affirming my past source of misery!
So glad to have found your blog!
Have a blessed week with your real life that Christ continually works through! What an awesome God we serve!
.-= Michelle´s last blog ..Word-Filled Wednesday-Nest Treasure =-.
Michelle says
I needed that soooo bad…not just today but for weeks…maybe even months! Wonderful post that I know so many can relate to.
And BTW–Surprised to see you on LAF the other day! I keep finding out you’re more and more famous! 😉
.-= Michelle´s last blog ..You want me to eat what? =-.
Amy says
LOL! Don’t know about famous, but you made me smile. 🙂
Mrs. White says
This was so well written!
Blessings,
Mrs. White
.-= Mrs. White´s last blog ..A Happy Housewife Gift Pack Giveaway- The Donna Reed Show, Vintage Apron, and 1950’s Cookbook =-.
Grace Wheeler says
Amy, just as everyone else said, this is REALLY good! I had two conversations just this week with two different friends about this very thing…I’m gonna send them over to read this! You’re so encouraging!
.-= Grace Wheeler´s last blog ..Daily Chores For The Little Ones =-.
Kathryn says
LOL! Drop this on the door of all the critics!
Michelle says
Yes…I’m commenting again! I enjoyed this so much I came back…TWICE..and then wrote a blog about why this uplifted me. Thanks again!
.-= Michelle´s last blog ..You want me to eat what? =-.
Tracy Grubb says
Thank You! This is one area where I repeatedly struggle and God is always faithful to bring along these reminders; whether through His Word, His small voice or a sister in Christ.
Kate says
I’ve gathered that from the outside, some people DO think I am perfect! I’ve actually set out to correct that assumption. I specifically tell people all the ways that I’m not. Because I think it’s more important to see the real people, flaws and all, than to believe anyone is perfect. It leads to feeling inadequate, as you’ve mentioned, and can lead to hero worship — I think that’s one reason God doesn’t want us to be perfect, because then we might worship one another instead of Him!
As for standardized testing and curriculum, I won’t hesitate to tell anyone who asks I plan to do/use neither. We will be unschooling our children and I want nothing to do with standardized testing, or any formal testing, at least until they are much older. And if anyone wants to criticize me for that, they can do it somewhere else because we’ve researched thoroughly and that’s what we’re doing. I’m not angry, I’m just saying…I don’t really care what people think. 🙂
.-= Kate´s last blog ..Fermented Food Challenge =-.
Amy says
I don’t really remember worrying about anything curriculum wise until someone from the “outside” questioned me on something (and she was totally unintentionally questioning me…it was my own fears surfacing). I used to be much more caught up in what the world thought rather than what God said. Good for you having a plan in place…it helps for those times when someone does question what you do (which will inevitably happen!)