Will my children date or court or something in between? That is a question that I just can’t answer right now.
Quite some time ago a reader asked
What is your stance on dating?
I have shied away from this question for long enough. But, I have to be honest with you,
I can only answer based on our vision, not our experience.
Our vision is that each of our children would enter into some form of courtship in order to find a spouse, although I really have no idea what that will look like. We do not advocate traditional dating, nor do we advocate arranged marriages. We feel courtship is the best model for allowing parents to guide and instruct while allowing adult children to choose and pursue, but we just aren’t there yet, so the question must remain unanswered…for now.
However, right now, having children who are not of marrying age, we are focused on four things:
1. Their relationship with Christ.
Life on this earth is not all about getting married. There is the possibility I will have a child who does not marry. I cannot spend all my energy, and in turn teach them to spend all their energy, on finding a spouse. That will only set them up for compromise and failure. Our desire is to disciple them in the ways of the Lord and make earthly marriage a secondary issue.
2. Praying for their future spouses.
However, with the knowledge that most people DO marry, I want to be in prayer for that marriage. It’s not something we do every night, but we do pray regularly for their future husbands and wives. They sometimes hear us pray this prayer and sometimes it is done in the quiet of our hearts.
3. Instilling character traits and skills that will help them to be good husbands and wives.
The kind of husband or wife you have often has to do with the kind of husband or wife you are. I want to teach my children what a good husband or wife looks like so they can BE a good husband or wife. This also takes the burden of finding perfection off of them for they realize they themselves are not perfect.
4. Providing opportunities to meet and mingle with other like-minded families.
We are strong advocates of nurturing entire family friendships with other believers. It is our hope that through some of these friendships our children will find future spouses whom they have literally grown up with and who’s entire family is known to us all. We also believe that it is our responsibility to offer “options” in the marriage arena. Keeping our children cloistered behind closed doors is pretty option-less.
I am sure someday I will revisit this topic here on the blog, but we just aren’t there yet, and I’m okay with that!
abba12 says
The problem is to define courtship. Some peoples idea of courtship is always chaperoned dates, and if you don’t want to marry within *designated time* then break it off. Others see it as the same as dating, except with the ultimate aim of marriage. Some believe the parents should select the courtship partner, others believe it’s completely down to the courter. Some ideas of courtship I personally find wrong morally. So defining what courtship is to you is no easy task.
Amy says
Yes, this is a very sore and sticky subject in some circles. I remember reading a book long ago where nearly every story of courtship sounded just awful; however, the people I’ve known in real life have had very good experiences. I think for us it will be a work in progress. 🙂
s says
Great post. Hubby and I don’t want our kids to take part in ‘dating’ either, but courtship. I never dated before I met hubby and I’m glad I never had to deal with heartbreak. I was also never able to compare hubby to old boyfriends!
so many times i’ve heard of people dating “because it’s fun..but I couldn’t never see myself marry the person” and I just don’t understand that mindset.
Amy says
Yes, I don’t understand that either. I think you are treading very dangerous waters when you make intimacy something you do “for fun.”
Christy dR says
I do agree with the above comment, courtship is more vague then any other terms. I think one of the most important parts of courtship is that the son or daughter agrees, if they don’t, you still have to let them “fly”. If the relationship starts young, you probably have more say. Say your child is 32 and decides to date( a very purposeful dating even), you can’t have the same amount of say unless it’s asked for.
Something else my family is discovering is personality of a child is going to come into play. 🙂
Amy says
Yes, I am sure individual personalities are very integral to the whole issue of courtship.
DonnaJ says
Since I am right in the middle of this stage of life…I am going to put in my 2 cents.
We’ve done both with our 7 children. The oldest 4, all boys, ages 28, 23, 23, & 22 have all dated. Some had good results and some not. They have brought home some girls, dressed inappropriately for our family values that I wanted to throw a quilt over for modesty. I’ve heard the Lords name taken in vain, more times that I can recall. Plus, just a plain lack of respect for our family and values. Now, I am not putting all this on just the girls that visited. Our older sons should have been more choosey and thought about their decisions instead of being lead by “pretty” or whatever.
With our youngest 3, we are going the courtship route with little or no dating. Our daughter is 18 and been in a courtship with a wonderful, Christian young man for months. They’ve not been off alone on a date. We did let him take her for a walk “alone” when he proposed marriage. But that was their alone time. Everything else has been with one or more parents, or brothers and sisters. Its been great to watch the Lord work through this relationship and see the real love bloom between this young couple.
My younger children ages 15 & 17 know this is how they will “meet” and “court”. The parent involved courtship is much more important and meaningful than the dating scene. We constantly pray for the fiancee of one of our sons, she isn’t a Christian (we don’t think) and dresses and acts in a way that doesn’t support a faith a Christ.
Crystal says
Wow, it must be a “God thing” right now…..last night I had a dream that I went to the library and got a book about Courtship! Then I wake up to your post! Courtship is something I want for my kids….not dating. I went down that road myself and I don’t like living with some of the regrets that came out of it.
Molly says
Hi Amy,
I just happened back to your blog today.
So enjoy your talks and thoughts!
How do you all plan to stay in contact with other families? Just your church or do you have specific events each year that you go to that have a large amount of families with likemindedness? I find this the challenging part.
great topic!
Amy says
We attend family retreats with other Christian families, we do things with church members, we go and visit families we have met in our travels and they come to visit us. You sometimes have to work at it, but we feel it is very important to hang on to these friendships. 🙂
Ginny Sellers says
My girls aren’t aloud to date until they are 18.I would not consider letting them get married until then, so their is no reason to date.They may have boys that are friends only.
Amanda says
Amy thanks for this post. We are very interested in courtship and “seeing” how other families do this. Please continue to let us know how it goes. Is your oldest a girl or a boy? How old is the child? What are their feelings about courtship?
Amy says
My oldest is a boy. He definitely wants to go the route of courtship. I think, done properly, it is the only way, but the line between what is proper and what is not can become a thin line. Always a work in progress… 😉
Melissa says
thought provoking for sure! I am not at this stage yet, as my oldest is just 7, but I have often wondered how we will deal with this issue. We became Christians as adults, so our teen years were not spent following the Lord at all. Obviously, we want our children to have a different experience than ours ( although we dated each other as teens ). Thanks for sharing your thoughts, and some great reading ideas too!
Dee says
Hi!
My husband and I did what we called “dourting”. With his family being all nonbelievers, and mine living in a separate province, we did the best we could. We weren’t perfect in all ways, and there are some things I would’ve liked to have done differently, the way our Christian walks were, I can definitely see God’s protection. We don’t have children yet, and I’m not sure where I sit on this subject, but I appreciate the thoughts )
Dee
Edjumpoff says
My children were raised that Go
d has someone already picked out for them and they do not need to be dating. However, my oldest (20 on Thursday) went to high school and that was it. Currently she is dating someone who is not a believer and pray daily for the Lord’s intervention. My boys, 14 & 12 will not attend high school and my oldest boy has already said school needs to come first, something else they were taught. I pray for them to have Godly spouses and children. As for courtship I am not sure, but I am sure they will not be left alone.
Peace, <
Emily says
You and your blog are such an encouragement, Amy!
Great topic! (our oldest of 3 boys is 13+ and we already see this boyfriend/girlfriend “thing” starting with some and it scares the day lights out of me not something we want for our family) From what I have seen, courtship seems to be mostly embraced in the reformed circles?! (we don’t attend a reformed church)I would love to see other Bible believing Christian families turn back to this method. 🙂
Andrea says
We are beginning to experience just the pre-cursors to this with our 14.5 year old son. He’s incredibly responsible, and is a healthy, and Christ-loving young man. Fallible, though, yes!
So, we’ve been very fortunate to allow him some healthy, yet incredibly appropriate exploration into learning about the opposite sex, and ladies he may be interested in. These ways so far have been:
1) Church functions. Our church is not a “social club” like many, but we do have an occasional function, and he sees all his friends and the girl he is interested in 3 x per week for church, a bible study and his Friday night youth group-all chaperoned, all appropriate.
2) We have their family(s) over for dinner. His friends-including girls, are welcome here to continue appropriate relationships and open lines of communication with them, us and their parents.
3) He’s gone places with their family, since we are already friends.
We plan on using a courtship guideline. In other words, not being alone and in adult-like situations when they are children, as it is a natural, yet often too difficult a situation to resist and remain pure when we are young.
We will support healthy relationships, and facilitate growth in these areas, through communication, and an understanding of WHAT the reason behind dating is-purely for “interviews for marriage”. Not for trying out every person of the opposite sex that is attractive.
We will gather as a family, and he will be expected to obey the rules and wishes of other families who have girls with whom he is interested. The greatest showing of maturity and interest and value in a young lady, is being willing to spend time with her in an APPROPRIATE situation..to respect limits, boundaries, and commandments.
They can date as long as they choose, yet we will guide them that the reason FOR dating is preparing for marriage. If one wishes to stop dating, or to continue for a really long time, there are reasons that need to be looked at!
We plan on the same guidelines for all 6 of our children, including our girls.
We will not be “sending our girls” away to college. They will live at home until they are married, or so desire independence once they are adults.
God Bless!
Amy says
Thank you so much for sharing! This is very similar to what we hope to implement. 🙂
Ginny Sellers says
My girls are 11 next month and 14. I am very surprised to see girls this young dating already. It’s sad to see them getting into situations they aren’t ready for.Courting/dating isn’t aloud in our home until they turn 18. The they can start to court at home and work up to outings with parents or another family member present at all times.
Jamerrill @ Holy Spirit-led Homeschooling says
We are raising our children with the same mind set. Courtship is yet another wonderful subject our family has learned about through homeschooling {not to mention, creation, character and a whole lot of “etcs.“} We are raising our children to pray for their future spouses. Just the other day my 4-year-old daughter wanted to “pray about her husband.†{lol}
This morning my husband and I were listening to Mike Ferris {founder of HSLDA} speak on this subject. He said, “Dating is practicing for divorce.†I love that statement 😉
Krista says
I am strong advocate of courtship, as it is what my husband and I chose and what we are instilling in our children from a young age.
My husband and I dated other people as teenagers, with disastrous results. We both came to know the Lord as young adults and entered into a courtship with each other in our early twenties. We decided upon courtship on our own based on how the Lord was leading us individually, before we ever met each other. Our parents did not teach us about courtship and it was not something taught in our church.
Our courtship had great results and prepared us very well for marriage. Having experienced both sides of the dating versus courtship issue, I would in no way condone dating. We are doing whatever possible to teach and encourage our children basic principles that should guide how a believer finds a mate. We believe the most important things a courtship should reflect is a dependence on God for discernment regarding a future spouse, emotional, and physical purity.
Whatever we choose to call what we teach our children I believe that dependence on God and purity are the two things we are called to practice.
Amy says
So wonderful to hear from someone who took this route themselves. Thank you for sharing!
Honey says
I am very interested in this article and topic. I hope courtship goes well for all who chose it. I do want to say, that as the mother of older children (22, 22, 21) I think 18 may be too old to start this. We have all girls. They dated in a limited capacity while in school (private homeschool group). After graduation two of our daughters left home against our wishes, and live a life that is not the one God chooses for them. I say that I have two prodigals, but one of our daughters did return home this past Easter, and has been here since. Both of the girls have lived or do live with a man they are not married to, men we would not choose for them, for many reasons. These men had criminal records, are not Christians, etc. Society tells our children that when they turn 18 we can’t make they do anything. I think 18 may be too late to start this practice for some children. You could still tell them they can’t marry till they are 18, even if you allow them to keep company with someone of the opposit sex. Maybe if their interest in someone appropriate was encouraged, they would remain in a Christian situation until the appropriate time to marry.
I did not mention, but one of our daughters has a son who is now almost 3. He is the light of our lives, but that situation was, and still is, the most difficult thing I have ever gone through. I pray none of you walks this path I have been on for the last four years.
Also, Amy, I wanted to say that the other day I found and purchased a book by Joshua Harris I wasn’t familiar with, called “Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship”. Perhaps this title might interest to some of you.
Amy says
Honey,
Bless you so much for sharing this difficult part of your life. I pray it blesses others in the telling. And thank you for the book suggestion! 🙂
Heather Anderson says
This is a great post. Our oldest is 19 and he is committed to courtship. Courtship is defined differently for different families, and I don’t think everyone will ever fully agree. The bottom line for us has to do with the issues of the heart. Are the young people seeking to head toward marriage in an honorable, God pleasing manner, or are they out to have a good time in a way that pacifies Mom and Dad? Are they open to counsel and input or are they hidden and defensive. I love the book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris because what ever your version of courtship looks like, he challenges you to look first at the heart.
leah bush says
We are praying for courtship in our home as well. My first “boyfriend” was my husband and i knew within a week that i would marry him. But sadly i went with the worldly view that we were too young, too inexperienced with life/dating, etc based on other opinions and dated other people. I ended up ruining our courtship for 3 years. I finally realized that God had brought him into my life for a reason and knew i should have listened sooner to him and not to the world. We were married and i did have the issues of a once broken heart due to another man and also comparing him to my previous boyfriends. It was very hard on our relationship for the first year or so. I reqret the way i dated but cant change that. We can only pray for better for our children.
Andrea says
Ginny,
I think it is perfectly natural for young ladies and young men to desire to spend time with the opposite sex..even at 14, 15, and 16. When we are talking about doing the “formal courting” route, it is waiting until they are nearing 18, as there is no point much before this.
However, we much rather have them understand that there is nothing abnormal about being interested in the views, the minds, the common yet different interests of the opposite sex before the age of 18. We just don’t think it should ever be done out of the context of innocence!
Too much freedom begats sin in children..while too much restriction on normal feelings (this is our view, I certainly respect the view of other Christian parents, and am not trying to argue, just sharing why we come down where we are) can bring shame.
Formal courting has no place in our home (interviewing for marriage) much before the age of 17, as they are not going to marry before 18, so there is no point in the formality. However, their hearts do well to develop friendships and learn how to treat the opposite sex.
Additionally, if we wait until the children are 18 to allow them to develop any appropriate, guided, and always innocent and chaperoned relationships, (much of the use of the word relationship by me, simply means friendships, which, IMO, give valuable insight into becoming young men and women who understand how the opposite sex works), they are then 18, and on their own with dating.
I never buy the argument that if you give your children rules, once they can choose, they will choose rebellion, so please don’t misunderstand! I simply mean that when they are 18, they are free to marry legally speaking, and may feel a bit of a “free bird”.
I’m just all for deep, meaningful and Christian friendships at any age..when it includes the opposite sex, it must be guided, ALWAYS supervised, and completely transparent with the parents involved..it can be a valuable asset into who they become as spouses and friends.
In all honesty, courting is very Scriptural, and the entry into friendships, and then supervised courting is a well-established Biblical concept. It’s one that took place at young ages in Biblical days, and in our history, before young people were seen as failures for marrying young; particularly girls when choosing marriage over college career!
Kelley says
Our experience:
If their age had the syllable “teen” in it, this is definitely too young.
Our daughters entered courtships, or so we thought.
My husband and I were not on the same page regarding every decision allowed for our daughters. I know females. He did not, does not, and will never, so I needed to say my piece respectfully and then shut up and pray for him to lead our daughters. There are some regrets we have, all four of us.
We decided if they are not ready spiritually, physically, mentally and financially to marry, they have no business entering into a romantic relationship of any sort. Voddie Baucham’s book was a great help and we shared it with their two young men. When one young man sent back a 12-page book report and the other young man acted as if he wasn’t sent anything, we were confident about the one and disturbed by the other.
Our younger daughter married the one in April with our richest blessings. Our older daughter finally “broke-up” with the other after 42 months in a relationship we told her was bound for Nowhere.
Dating is divorce practice. Both of my girls believe this now.
Sheila Gregoire says
My girls are now 13 and 16, and totally committed to the courtship thing. They both have a lot of boys as friends, and have a great time with many different boys, but they also both know that dating right now isn’t the best thing for them.
We gave our 16-year-old the book I Kissed Dating Good-Bye when she was 13, and she devoured it and totally bought into it. And both girls have seen the messes that friends have made with dating.
But I think your final point, in many ways, is one of the most important. We absolutely MUST get our children involved with groups or families where they will meet the right kind of people. My kids do Bible quizzing with the Alliance church, and made the international team from our district this year. Last week we were at the Internationals Tournament in Pennsylvania, and it was so amazing to see 120 teenagers who had memorized every word of the book of John. What amazing kids! And now my girls have even more friends.
You can’t expect your children to enter into courtship if you don’t put them in places where they will meet other people who believe the same thing!
I wrote a post last week about how my first boyfriend turned 41. How do I still remember that? Because dating as a teen can scar your heart.
Thanks for this post!