In June, Ty and I will have been married 15 years.
It seems utterly impossible. For 15 years I have shared my life, my bed, my world with an amazing man. And while he is still “just a man,” I often wonder how people can walk away from marriage after so many years of sharing their lives in such an intimate way.
When Jenny mentioned seeing Christian marriages fail after many years together, it struck a chord. I’m seeing the same thing in my peer group. Couples who got married around the same time as us are divorcing at an alarming rate. I naively thought that if you had made it this far, there was no turning back.
{Now, I understand there are all sorts of extenuating circumstances, but this post isn’t about extenuating circumstances.}
The very first thing we have to recognize is that marriage isn’t governed by the state. Yes, most of us have a marriage license, but that piece of paper IS NOT what makes us married. However, if you believe (as our society tends to believe) that piece of paper IS what makes you married, then there is no reason to believe such a piece of paper cannot be easily nullified, torn up, burned to ashes, utterly ignored. It’s just a piece of paper after all. Sure, it cost a bit of money, but it only takes another bit of money to override that piece of paper with another…divorce papers.
We have to start seeing marriage as a covenant before God. Granted, a society that has largely rejected the God of the Bible isn’t going to be too keen on accepting God’s authority over marriage, but it’s the Truth nonetheless. Accept it or not…it’s still the Truth. The government did not make up this thing called marriage. God did. Therefore, the government does not have jurisdiction over my marriage. God does. This isn’t about a piece of paper. This is about two people joined together…forever…by a holy covenant that states “the two shall become one.” (Mt 19:5, Mk 10:8, Eph 5:31)
We have to stop seeing marriage as something we do and start seeing it as something we are. Women today are deeply offended by the idea of finding their identity in marriage; whereas the women of yesteryear were deeply honored by it. Today’s liberated woman believes that was oppression at its worst, and seeks now to include marriage in her plans to further herself and find fulfillment, but never to “lose herself” to a husband, because finding your identity in marriage most assuredly means losing oneself.
But wait…doesn’t the Bible say,
the two shall become one
Yes it does…a perfect, harmonious melding of two very gifted, very different souls into one very gifted, very unique union.
You don’t lose yourself. You find yourself as you’ve never known yourself to be. A better you. A you who’s gifts and talents find purpose and meaning when connected to the gifts and talents of another in a completion of an image meant to represent Christ and His Church.
When torn asunder, you are not tearing one thing away from another, you are tearing yourself in two.
I encourage you this Valentine’s Day to find your identity in your marriage. Marvel at how your giftings fit perfectly with your spouse’s to create something unique. Consider your covenant before God. How can you better reflect His image? Have a wonderful day. A ONEderful life.
Rebecca says
YES! A covenant relationship created by God. We need to get back there. That is the glue that holds us together….during those difficult times that impact all marriages…marriages between fallen people in a fallen world…who have been sold the ‘cinderella’ story…and sold the idea that everything in this world is temporary. All things we think, say and do have an impact on eternity….every soul is eternal…..and all will spend their eternity in one of two places. Marriage is an amazing covenant. One that should be taken before the cross daily. One…with the husband as the head…sanctifying his wife, his gift from God….and she, respecting and loving her husband, being his helpmate, as Christ was God’s helper…and is now lifted above all! Thank you so much for this beautiful post. Your husband is very blessed…….
Helen says
Our daughter is getting married in June, just after my husband and I celebrate our 38th anniversary.
I sent her the link to your post.
Despite so many disturbing ‘trends’ today, I am encouraged whenever I see evidence of positive ideas and behaviors. I just hope that trend can overcome our selfish, destructive ways….
‘Lucy’ (fellow angel mom)
Amy says
Such a needed post. We have been married for 12 and you are right, people in our age group are divorcing at alarming rates…and having that piece of paper disposed of doesn’t meant anything to God. Amen!
Shawnee says
I agree with your post 100%. Nowdays too many people are entering into marriage with a get of it free card. They think oh well I can marry him now and if it doesn’t work out, their is always divorce. I come from a divorced family. My parents didn’t divorce until I got married but it still affected me and my brother deeply. That’s why in our house we have said that we will always keep communication open and work on our marriage first. Thank you for this wonderful post.
Happy Valentines Day!
Maman A Droit says
I love your take on this, and congrats on almost 15 years! One thing that I think is a huge problem is the failure of American churches to preach against divorce. While it’s common to hear sermons etc exalting marriage, it’s rare to hear them discussing how serious of a commitment marriage should be for a Christian, or that breaking that covenant relationship should only be done in cases of abuse etc. I don’t know if it’s that the churches are afraid of offending divorced members or what, but I think they’re doing a disservice. And after all, the churches do preach against lying and pride and all sorts of things that I am tempted by and occasionally(unfortunately) give in to, and I don’t feel unwelcome. I thought that was kind of the point-that we’re all sinners but welcome anyway!
Christine says
Yes, I’m so saddened when couples our age divorce. Marriage is such a growth opportunity, even when it’s not all roses…especially when it’s not all roses! Oneness is beautiful, and if we as the church really lived it, then people would be clamoring to have what we have. Congrats on your anniversary!
Valerie says
I agree, I’ve only been married almost 6 years, but one thing I noticed as my 10 year HS reunion was coming up (last summer) was the number of people in my class who were getting divorced or remarried. I thank God I am in a marriage where divorce is not an option, and where we strive to learn more about living out a Godly marriage and being Godly parents. It’s not always easy, but definitely worth it!
K@Renown and Crowned says
Thank you so much for this post! I am engaged, entering the covenant of marriage this July. It is so encouraging to read that someone isn’t harping on the difficulties of marriage or asserting that women should still maintain some amount of independence. The most depressing part of such comments/posts is that many times they come from Christian women!
Thank you for helping me anticipate becoming one and “finding myself in a way I’ve never known myself before.” 😀
TrueFemininity says
This was beautiful, Amy! I’m not married yet, but these are good words for me to hear now.
valerie says
Amen and Amen. This fact,this God ordained union is the only thing that kept me with my husband during some very very trying times. The woman (aka feminist) in me screamed to be free from the trouble. Screamed to be free of his burden. The pride in me said I didn’t deserve to be linked with such a sinner. B U T the Holy Spirit within me spoke to keep my covenant to God. Spoke that God was capable of watching over me, guiding me, and making me AND my husband better. He has kept every word of that to me. What a good and faithful God we serve. I cannot now imagine my life without him. Marriage can be so hard sometimes, but when we do as you exhorted us to do and find ourselves and our purpose IN IT then we fight for the marriage, not against it! Thank you for this post!
h. rae says
Hi Amy,
This a beautiful and insightful post.
I just dropped in to wish you and your family a very happy Valentine’s Day. Wishing you a day filled with love and joy!
Amy says
Amen, amen, and amen! Not sure if I’ve commented before or not, although I’ve been enjoying your blog for a while.
I absolutely love and agree with this post. It breaks my heart to see a marriage end. My husband and I have been married for 10 years, and we were just talking last night how as time goes by we become more and more a part of each other.
Great post, and happy Valentine’s day!
Carletta says
Thank you for this post! It is a refreshing reminder of what marriage is intended to be.
Michelle says
I’m close to your age group/married group also (married for 18 years now) and it is almost depressing to see people married for this long divorcing. My husband and I lay in bed wondering the same thing last night. How do you fall “out of love”? I feel like our, life, experiences…even the death of our son, makes me love him more. Excellent post.
Jennifer says
Once again, you said what needs to be said. So many cute pics, heartfelt musings, but I believe when we stand before God YOU SAID WHAT NEEDS TO BE SAID. Thank you…
Carrie says
I like how you described marriage here:
“A you who’s gifts and talents find purpose and meaning when connected to the gifts and talents of another in a completion of an image meant to represent Christ and His Church.”
You are right, it is weird how people think a paper makes a marriage. Perhaps because so many people today don’t seem to take promises seriously, they think the marriage promise isn’t as serious either…
Clara says
Far too many marriages are considered to be something for here-and-now-but-maybe-not-later… It is very sad. I’ve also noticed that a lot of couples won’t even bother to get married but rather forever just “live together” because of some kind of fear of commitment. But really, whether they have a piece of paper or not, they are still committed to trying to make a relationship survive, and if they are Christians, then they should be obedient to God – who created marriage Himself. Of course the heathen are not bound to God’s law – they are slaves to the devil – so in many ways it’s no wonder they often don’t bother to marry.
I wonder how many spouses some people will end up with by the time they are done, and how much damage that does to them along the way? It must be such a load to bare.
I love the fact that when I married, my husband and I became one – to me that is a really beautiful picture and a wonderful bond to share.
The photo of you and your husband is gorgeous; it’s easy to see how much you love each other! 🙂
Marie says
Thank you for sharing this. I am a first time visitor to your website and this really struck a chord with me. I have been married only two years and I’ve been alarmed with the way society today treats marriage.
Prior to marrying all of my co-workers and many people I know told me I was throwing my life away. After five years of courting, much prayer, the support of our church and families I knew that this wasn’t true but these remarks came as quite the shock.
Shortly after we got married the Lord spoke to me to return to school, and I am currently in pursuit to becoming a pediatric hospice nurse. Every single time I speak with financial aid at school, they ENCOURAGE me to get divorced because I would be able to go to school for free. No one even thinks twice about it!
No, the government doesn’t determine my marriage, but I find it astonishing how quickly people encourage divorce. Am I being naive for thinking that taking such action, could plant a bad seed in my marriage?
Amy says
That is terrible they would encourage you to get divorced! And absolutely that could plant a bad seed! I must say I am shocked…and saddened.
corine says
Wonderful post! I LOVE IT! I wish I had written it! 😉
Tori says
I love this post! I think that we as a society have decided divorce is ok. It’s not. It’s not ok with God. Thank you for your kind words.
Carrie says
Seriously wonderful post. I especially like that you mention that marriage is some oppressive state, but rather a place for us to grow into who we are meant to be.
Amy says
Great post! I wonder if many Christian marriages end due to immaturity on a variety of levels. Spiritual immaturity can cause a husband to be unable to be a spiritual leader (plus all that entails) and leave his wife struggling to fill that role — which, in my opinion, she is not wired to do. Emotional immaturity can cause a husband to be selfish, disinterested in growing, or learning how to be a better husband. Similar problems can occur if the immaturity is on the woman’s side, but my experience has been with the spiritual and/or emotional immaturity from my husband (my first husband, that is, who made the awful decision to commit adultery).
It’s hard to live with someone who shows great promise and then refuses to grow up. Still, divorce can be too easily resorted to. But I pray a great deal for my current husband, and have great faith that he will benefit from the wonderful institution that is marriage.
Reggie says
I also agree marriage is intended to be til death do us part. It’s work though, isn’t it? My husband and I have been through struggles that if it weren’t for God’s conviction to see it through, it would have been much easier to just walk away. I look back on where we were even two years ago, to where we are now, and I praise God that our vows were made before Him and are not dependent on a government-issued piece of paper. God alone is what makes such a difference in any marriage, but only if you allow Him to work.