Apparently, we have a large family.
The local newspaper interviewed us because of it. They asked us to share our secrets for managing such a large household. It made us front page news.
But, I didn’t tell them the truth.
I didn’t tell them that before I left the house I had three little boys standing with their noses against the wall because they had jumped on the furniture…again. I didn’t tell them that I had to put extra eye makeup on because I haven’t slept more than 3 hours at a whack for months. I didn’t tell them that there are days when I dread the thought of morning sickness, and nights when I wish someone else would put the toddlers to bed. I didn’t tell them that sometimes I plug my ears, hide in the garage, or lock the door to my bedroom just so I can get away from the noise.
I didn’t tell them what it is really like being a large family mom.
There is this misnomer that large family moms have it all together. They are personified as SUPER MOMS, equipped with nerves of steel, endless energy, and otherworldly patience. But, the truth is we are just like any other mom on the planet.
Except for one small difference…
We won’t tell you what it’s really like to be us.
Ever notice how moms with one or two kids feel free to share their struggles? They don’t mind people knowing they’ve had a difficult day, and some are even so bold as to tell you how rotten their kids are.
Large family moms won’t do that. They never feel comfortable being vulnerable. They never feel comfortable telling you just how tough this mothering a large family really is. You might think that is deceptive, but let me explain a few reasons why we don’t share freely.
1. We don’t want you to blame the children or the husband.
We would love to be able to cry on your shoulder and share the difficulty of our day with you, but we are terrified you will blame the children or our husbands for our tears. We’ve had unsolicited harsh words thrown at us by strangers (and not-so-strangers), so we really don’t care to intentionally tell you about our rotten days which will unintentionally throw our husbands and children under the bus in the process. No. Thank. You.
2. We don’t want your condemnation.
We don’t share our struggles because we don’t want you to say (or even think) how we wouldn’t be in such a pickle if we hadn’t had so many children. If we even remotely suspect you think we brought this upon ourselves, we will hide every ounce of vulnerability from you. We’d rather run naked down the interstate than hear you say, “I told you so,” or catch that look of judgement in your eye. It’s called self-preservation, honey.
3. We don’t want to scare you.
We love our kids and we love how many we have, and we’d love for you to see your own children as a blessing, so rather than share our struggles up front, we try to be upbeat and share the good stuff…because there are so many many blessings that come from being a large family mom! We don’t feel like clouding the truth with a bunch of Negative Nelly talk. It doesn’t benefit either of us, so rather than air our dirty laundry, we choose to hand you the clean laundry with a smile and an offer of encouragement.
4. We want you to know we love our big family.
At the end of the day, we are madly in love with the kiddos that turned us into large family moms. No amount of sympathy can override our desire for you to know just how awesome they are and how blessed we feel.
It is not easy being a mom – large family or not. But God handed us a mission field and asked us to tend and care for it for His glory. I am to love this family I’ve been given, and in the process, others see Christ through me. That is a big job, and sometimes big jobs are painful and difficult.
Most of my days aren’t stellar super mom days. They aren’t supposed to be. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:10)
There are times when I want to give up. I want to run away. I want five seconds of silence.
But who am I?
I’m not hiding who I really am. I’m simply choosing to live as gracefully as possible. I hope you do see the real me, but more than that, I hope you see the real Christ who is in me.
Are you homeschooling a growing family? This book is for you! You’re welcome!
Peta says
That was so well said Amy. I understand! I don’t have as many children as you – I have 4 and one on the way – But I don’t like sharing struggles either because I feel like people will give me the “so it’s your fault for having so many little children close together” look. God bless you, you have been given such a beautiful family. I don’t mind reading about your struggles at all because it makes me feel okay that I’m not perfect either. Peta – from Australia
JOY says
Such truth. I get so tired of the criticism, I don’t want to add fuel to the fire. I believe God has a purpose for allowing me to raise each of my children and although we have hard days, I take the privilege of having each one as a blessing. Thank you for sharing.
Misty says
I love your honesty. Thank you!
I think the same can be said when you homeschool (which I know you do). You don’t want to share the struggles with others because we “chose” this path. We could go the “easier” way so it’s our fault since we “brought” it on ourselves.
Moms need to just stop the pretending, fess up, and be real. Parenting is hard. Motherhood is hard. Homeschooling is hard. And we all have our own battles to bear!
Lauren says
Yes! Yes! Yes!
GAYLE says
Soooo much “YES!!”. Especially #2. We just found out this week that we are blessed enough too expect #8 this summer, but I *dread* announcing. We’re thrilled, and that won’t change, but I just don’t want to hear “you’re crazy” and other sentiments of the sort right now. It’s annoying and sad. Just being really honest.
GAYLE says
*to expect
Patty says
Congratulations! I will celebrate with you. I have been just where you are. It is so sad that people can spoil your joy at such a happy time. My mother-in-law didn’t even acknowledge any of my pregnancies (good or bad) after #5 (out of 13!) We got to the point where we told the kids about pregnancies and let them make the new baby announcement to certain family members and friends. People don’t tend to be so negative responding to the kids excitement. So happy for you, you are truly blessed!
Sarah says
I think we have the same MIL 😉 .
We tell our older kids first, then when we are ready for the whole world to know, we tell our littles. Sometimes it’s hilarious how they end up telling people!
rebecca says
congrats! We just had #7 this summer, and we will be blessed to have #8 some day!
… but I know what you are saying. For some reason we wait several months to announce it as well. We are thrilled, but it seems easier to handle the comments when the roughest morning sickness is over and my emotions are under better control!
Either way I know many of us are rejoicing with you!
Mom of rubies says
Congratulations you are incredibly blessed! The truth of the matter is though it’s annoying to hear these sentiments, we really are way too busy to be concerned about it. Shine on for His glory!
Sarah says
We are expecting number 8 in February. We wait a long time to share the news with anyone outside of our close support group. Because we are so happy and don’t want anyone to rain on our parade. Which has happened so many times. I think it’s hard for people to understand that you are thrilled but wait so long to share. They don’t know cause they haven’t heard all the unnecessary comments from friends, family and strangers. Congrats mama!! Babies are awesome!!
Dawn Walton says
Praise the Lord! I’ll celebrate with you too! I have 9 children, and always dreaded the announcement too, so I know how you feel in that regard. Announce it anyway, and let your joy shine through the nay sayers! It’s the Lord we have to answer to, not people!
Deb says
I was that way after number 2. And I have 5 currently. I pretty much stopped saying anything about it to family and certain friends. After being told that I should have miscarried number 3.
Jackie says
Congratulate, Gayle, on #8. I’m only carrying #3 right now and I get the “Wow… so many so close together!” and “I can’t believe you’re having another one.” And this is from my MOM and my AUNTS!!!
I can’t wait to hear what they have to say if hubby and I are blessed with #8. ha! 😉
Sabrina says
I’m in the same boat as you! My mother and grandmother are both insisting 3 is plenty. ..even going as far as trying to pressure me into tying my tubes! ! I wish I had more supportive family :-\ I love my kiddos I love what difference I can make in their lives! In fact I’m getting negative feedback about homeschooling my kids! I don’t have a single person that supports me right now except the Lord and all you women out there! Congrats to all of you that are expecting! Like I said I’m also expecting #3 joining us in May 🙂 I was reluctant to tell anyone then finally one day I had enough and just blurted it out to everyone haha I ended with “and I couldn’t be happier so take any potential negative comments with you when you leave (smile)” next day. ..negative comments lol go figure!
Karissa says
Dear Sabrina,
I know that my comment cannot offer you much hope, but perhaps I can give you some of the positive feedback that is lacking in our culture. I am from a moderate family with four kids. My mom homeschooled us all the way and I have so blessed by my upbringing. I am from a very liberal small town, with hardly any families with more than 2 kids. People would look at us and say, “Wow, you have a large family…” And I would think, “Are you serious?”
Turn a deaf ear to those negative comments, children are such a joy! I currently do not have any children of my own, but my heart literally melts every time I see a baby. May you find strength in the difficult journey of motherhood, but don’t forget to count the blessings along the way.
Becky says
Gayle ~ HUGS HUGS HUGS!! Wish I knew you in real life because we’d throw you a party to celebrate!! Such a shame that people think baby #1 or 2 is more worthwhile to celebrate than # 4, 5, 6, 8, 10, 13 …
ROB says
Congrats!!! I have 6 kiddos and feel your pain. We do what God wants and I look at the negativity as persecution.
I love seeing other big families out there so we can do it together. Lord bless!
JD says
I’m blessed to hear someone say that. We’re expecting #6 next June but have only told a few people. We dread hearing people’s responses as well. They’re discouraging and make me feel isolated. Instead, I’ve been taking this time to read what God says about children. That is most encouraging to me!
Kerri says
Personally, when we had baby #7 (out of 8), we didn’t tell anyone we knew who would not be joyful with us. One of my relatives realized why we did that, and made ammends, some others? Well, they didn’t seem to pick up on it, or they played “dumb”…which is kind of hard to do when I start talking about the baby keeping me up…the baby they didn’t know about! Oh well. The way I see it, I don’t have to let others negative reactions affect me. It is their choice to feel that way, and I don’t have to ‘allow’ them to spew their thought at me. So they don’t get to know we are expecting. It’s what I would call, “boundaries”.
Blessings to you and your family. Prayers that all goes well with your pregnancy. Number 8 has been our most delightful child (no joke)! I wouldn’t trade her for the world 🙂
Blessings,
Kerri
Kim says
GAYLE, I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU! I CAN SYMPATHIZE IF MIXED WITH THE DREAD OF ANNOUNCING YOU FEEL SCARED YOURSELF FOR EXPECTING AGAIN. I HAVE 5 AND WONDER IF / WHEN I’LL BE EXPECTING AGAIN AS WE’VE GIVEN OUR FAMILY SIZE TO THE LORD. IT HONESTLY FRIGHTENS ME TO THINK OF HAVING ANOTHER BABY BUT THAT IS MY FLESH TALKING. IF I REMEMBER THESE BABIES ARE PRESENTS FROM JESUS, I AM EXCITED TO BRING HIM GLORY AND WE KNOW RAISING MANY CHILDREN DRAWS US CLOSER TO JESUS!
Jenn @ Treasuring Life's Blessings says
I totally feel for you! We are expecting #8 in March and I wasn’t even going to formally announce it because I know most people won’t be excited for us. Not to mention we have 5 daughters, 2 sons one of whom which died, so everyone thinks we have more to get that elusive son. They make rude comments about my living son needing a brother (he has one people, just he lives in Heaven).
Excellent post! It’s a shame us large families can’t be honest about our hard days without fearing judgement.
Corinna says
Hi Jenn!! I was so surprised to see you here! Many congratulations on your new blessing! I’m totally resonating with this post because I have felt the same way many times about announcing pregnancies and keeping the daily realities of our large family to myself for many of the reasons Amy mentioned above! Hope you and your family are well!
REBEKAH says
May I be the first to say “CONGRATULATIONS!”
Every good and perfect gift cometh from the Lord.
Many blessings on your growing family! Sincerely, Rebekah mother to 5
Liz says
I felt the same way about announcing pregnancies. I made my Facebook announcement and included the verse Psalm 139:13-14 “For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” That kept people from putting negative comments on my post and I didn’t get as many comments in person either.
Cindy says
Yep. That about covers it.
Jessica says
This is so timely and exactly what I needed to hear. I just had number 5 three weeks ago and I’m having some pretty hard postpartum depression that for me comes out as bouts of irritability at my kids and hubby and weeping. One thing that has come up is how hard it is right now with all these children, yet, I hold back saying it because I can already feel someone thinking or saying that if I didn’t have so many kids, it wouldn’t be this hard. I even wonder if my mom is thinking that I’ve brought it upon myself ???? It is hard, and it’s really hard because there are so many. And while most of the time, I love the busieness and noise, other times, I’d like to do nothing but hide behind the closed door of my bedroom in the bed alone with a good book or show. Thank you for sharing a hard post and being transparent.
Kimberly says
Jessica,
I feel your pain. I have 5 and my butt was kicked at 3 kids and PPD. I’ve recently gone back on Meds because of the depression returning. I hope you are getting help now and not hoping “it will pass”. I discovered http://www.postpartumprogress.com and it has been instrumental in my recovery. I had no idea other people felt like me. Whatever your thoughts on meds, see a counselor and get some outside perspective. Believe me, PPD doesn’t care how many kids you have. FYI, ear protection like you wear when shooting has been a WONDERFUL way of tuning out stimulation when I need to be around people and feel “sensitive”. ANYONE, Please email me at purdue1996 at gmail dot com if you need to talk.
Judy says
I ‘only’ have 3, and got hit hard with PPD with the third. Same as you…just really weepy. Let me encourage you, it does pass. Medication and counselling, being connected to others who ‘get’ it makes a big difference. Hang in there. You’ll make it!
rebecca says
I am praying for you right now!
I suffered a great deal with depression after #3 (of 7). It was a very difficult time.
I tried to hold it all together, but inside I was getting worse. I didn’t need meds in the end, but after several months when I finally let God work within me and was completely HONEST with Him about my weaknesses/fears/anxieties, he gave me strength.
Limit your obligations and self- expectations. You’re not super-mom. You DON’T have to be!
Sometimes the fact is we CAN’T handle it. We CAN’T handle so many kids. But God can. And he doesn’t expect us to do it alone 🙂 With Him ALL things are possible.
rebecca says
oh- and there’s nothing wrong with meds if needed- my dear friend needed them and she did wonderfully with their help!
Amanda says
I have only two small children, but your last words were something that really encouraged me and changed my mindset today. Thank you!
Patty says
Great article! I was formulating points in my mind as soon as I read the headline. I don’t want to be portrayed as a super mom, but that is what others think I am. I certainly don’t feel like one. Sometimes I feel like such a failure. It is wonderful that we can have forums like this to be real.
Bless you and your beautiful family.
Emily says
Thank you for sharing this. I don’t think the societal norm of complaining about our families does anyone good. I try to discuss my boys’ behavior with friends in a constructive way. It is so hard! Good luck and blessings to you & your large family.
MARSHA says
Thank you for your openers in this blog. It truly touched me. I’m a big family mom al though it’s not as traditional as yours. I gave birth to 4 blessings and adopted one more. And I’ve played a motherly role with my husband’s children. It’s difficult at times but great at others all wrapped up in one
LISA says
I don’t know. I get what you are saying, but I have come to realize that the majority of people really do understand that while I live my life and am blessed beyond measure, I am a regular old mom with a regular husband and kids. ~mama of 14
JENNIFER says
It’s seems like once you get passed 10, the negative comments stop, or we just ignore them altogether. Maybe it’s because we moms are older and people see that. Not sure
…mom of 11
Alma Mater says
I read this comment to my husband, and he said, “Maybe the people stop making negative comments because they’re afraid of the size of the gang!”
We have five, and get a lot of comments.
Debbie says
I see large families and sigh because I wanted a minimum of 6 children but the Lord had different plans. Love/thankful for my two but I often wonder how life would have been different.
Praying that you mommies feel God’s strength today .. and that in this holiday season you find more blessing than stress.
Bibi says
Hi, we also wanted six but only got one. After 6 years of fostering 2 little sisters we adopted them. I love large families and you are all amazing parents!
Aimee says
As a mom of 10, ages 20-2, I totally agree with your points! You hit it right on the head. Some days are soooo hard. Yet, if I could do everything over, I would still have just as many children! Despite the hard days, the joys of a large family are so worth it.
Claudia Marshall says
I know that you have a big loving family and that you’re human. I’m sorry that you have been so criticized that you feel like you can’t share for the above reasons. I’m sorry. I want to tell you that you’re human and you’re not alone. It doesn’t matter if you have one or 12 parenting is the most difficult experience on earth. We love them. We teach them. But we can’t control them. We don’t want to really! Mothering is your chosen profession. Keep up the good work. Take a few minutes locked in your bedroom for the semi-quiet! Keep your head up and May God continue to bless you!!
Jillian says
I’m reading your blog on the computer today! 🙂 Great post and I totally relate to each reason you pointed out, especially 2 and 3.
Jess says
Oh my, yes, Yes, YES!! So,so true!! Bu I wouldn’t change it for any amount of “good” days!!
rebecca says
You said it all Amy… the difficulty and the joy- both multiplied! But oh how they bring us deeper into who we truly are- who we are in His strength….I would do it all again to know God more 🙂
Momx10 says
Love this! You are so dead on! I get so angry at some moms of 2-3 kids who just complain and gripe…they need to have 10 then come see me! Lol. ?? my big family to pieces!!!!
Kim says
I have three and yes, I sometimes complain. Because: I’ve had enough. I am done. Whatever it is about your life situation, personality, emotional well-being, etcetera, that made you able to have 10 children, happily, I don’t have. I am happy with three. But I am also overwhelmed and exhausted.
I think that we are all different. And some women are done at one and some at 20! But we each need to not judge each other but instead confide in each other: it is hard for ALL OF US. And it is wonderful for all of us!
Because the truth is, if I were exactly the same as you, I’d have ten. And if you were exactly the same as me, you would be done at three.
The thing I’m really curious about is: why can some people be happy with ten? Is it a higher tolerance to noise? More physical/emotional strength? Different parenting methods/beliefs? All of the above?
Anyway. 10 is a lovely big family and you must be so proud. And I would be happy to hear you complain. Maybe I could learn something! 🙂
Jami says
The biggest determining factor for me (I have 10) is GRACE! Yes some days are hard but that is part of being a mom. Some days we are all done. finished. can’thandleanotherpeepoutofanyone. Yet, God showed so much GRACE to us by sending His son, that I can’t see how I can show anything but GRACE to my children. Yes sometimes I fail, I yell, I say unkind things, but then I ask for forgiveness and repent before God and my children. You have enough GRACE for your 3 but if there was a 4th coming you would receive GRACE for that precious little one too. And then you would not be able to imagine life without that sweet little kid.
LeiTodd says
Kim, in my opinion we are all super mom’s regardless whether we have one or 20 and you are right we each need to learn where are limit and what other factors are involved- personal issues, partners we choose, outside influences and support or the lack of may all affect way someone decides to have more or choose not to since plans may not go as we always plans for them.
I believe we should stop creating expectations for others and quit expecting ourselves to live up to unrealistic goals created by other people. There are days I literally drag my butt out of bed to function but my husband, nor children or coworkers know the struggle I personally go through to be successfully. I don’t know the struggle they walk in each day so why make it any harder on them than they have it already? I neither admire nor do I judge someone for how many children they have, don’t have, sent off to boarding or local public school or choose to homeschool. I have made choices that I would choose again and many I would do differently. Each day I try to inspire someone rather than judge and I don’t care whether you like me or not since I do not have to please anyone in this earth, really! Somedays my kids are thankful they only have ONE mother rather than the 4-5 that I may seem like on other days ????
Anne McD says
Yes, yes, yes!! We have seven, and I get the supermom/I could never do it comments all. the. time. I do not have nerves of steel. I do not have endless patience (I try, I do!!) and while I’m striving every day, I don’t have it together. But when my husband and I got married, we knew that we would accept any and all children God wanted us to raise for Him, whether it was one or twenty one (we’ve been given seven so far ;))
Lauree says
This was a great article. I only have 4 kiddos, but they are adopted. I often feel if I reveal my struggles then I will get the you shouldn’t have adopted. So I stay silent. I love my kids so much but yes, I lock myself in the bathroom for some quiet sometimes.
Melissa says
I have four with one due in July. I hear,”how do you do IT?”
How do you love,
How do you disciple,
How do you feed.clothe, supply for…
How do you do… It?
You can substitute anything and everything for “it”.
My response is always the same.
How do YOU do it?
I do it the same as you. I get up each morning and start doing what needs to be done. I didn’t wake up one morning and magi all love four children. I woke up one morning and fell in love with one… Then another day came and so did number 2. I began loving 2. Then one day I had 2 more and I started loving them… It’s little steps towards a large family.
What outsiders see is four kids and a big belly, or eight kids and a mom. For most of us, we didn’t just wake up to five or ten. We stepped into it, one (or2) at a time.
And we do it like any other mom. One thing at a time. The difference is we may have a different set of priorities.
Molly E. says
Thank you for saying these. I, too, have felt each of these creep up on me. I felt like you wrote about me in numbers one and two. Thanks, yet again, for being a friend out there in the wild internet. I don’t know you at all but you make me wish I did! Blessings on your (crazy) day! ha! 🙂
ALI @ AN ORDINARY MOM says
Yep. Mom of 10 here, and yes, absolutely yes to each of your reasons. 🙂
Jenna says
I absolutely love this!! You have spoken my heart!! Thank you!!
Jennifer says
Thank you, this is encouragement for me, which I so long to hear. I only have three kids, but need to hear my struggles are not my failures. I understand and will seek to glorify God by not aharing my struggles and throwing my kids or husband under the bus.
Suanna says
Spot on! I spend time praying over my struggles, because many times I feel someone else wouldn’t understand what I’m really trying to say.. I have a friend with two children and she shares with me her struggles looking for advice and I will often open up and share a struggle I have with her. I wouldn’t give up any of my children because I love them so much. Yes, I have a few hiding spots of my own to gather my thoughts or get away from the noise.
Chrissy says
I am glad to know this mom of 12 shares those same thoughts with you! If you knew right now what we are going through…..hmmmm. We large family moms need to stick together and cry on one another’s shoulders.
Desi says
This is all so very true!!!
laura says
I love and am thankful for your honesty! I needed this encouragement that I was not failing as mother to 6 with one on the way! Thank your for your humility and willingness to encourage us “younger moms” who are only beginning this journey. Thankful the Lord has placed you in a position of humility and willingness to serve your family and others! May God continue to glorify himself through you and your family
Rebecca says
LOVE this post. It is so true, and encouraging to know that moms of other big families feel the same way.
Pam says
Exactly! And beautifully written 🙂
Jeanne says
I love this! It’s so true!!!
Thank you!!!!!!
Andrea says
Being a Mother can be difficult at times, no matter if you have one or 22 children. So when Mothers of “only” two or three complain about being busy and trying and failing, I as a Mommy of ONLY 7, (seriously? because there are those Moms who think that isn’t much and I have it easy) listen with empathy and compassion. Having more children does not make me any better or give me license to voice my struggles any more than them. Having more children certainly does not make one a more intelligent Mother or a more experienced Mother. It just means you have more children. Period. Do you remember when you had one? And how hard that was? And then when you had two, it was like everything stopped! No more outings, no more restaurants, etc. And then three – I guess what I am saying is there are difficult moments regardless the number. And each one I had the thought “Oh my, I can’t care for another.” But guess what, I did. Now, I have never had any multiples, I have no idea what that is like!
It make me laugh when I hear “you must be so organized to have all those kids and to homeschool.” Organization is my BIGGEST weakness. There are a lot of misconceptions about large families, but sometimes I think it is the large family who puts those misconceptions out there. You know the ones, the ones who have the facade all hung out nice and pretty. So I do try to be honest, and I do try to put the truth out there and show the good and the bad and the ugly. The people who give the look, or even speak the words “you put yourself in this position, you are the one who had all those kids” are usually our precious children’s GRANDPARENTS!!!! Can you believe it? The strangers, the acquaintances, they are usually the ones who get excited over our large family, who want to honestly hear “how do you make this work?”
If we all tried to be encouraging to one another and build one another up, as the Bible says – edify – wow, how much more productive we might be. Rather you have no children, 1 child or 15, you should be encouraging to other women. We can all be taught something – none of us have arrived. That my dear Amy is why I love your blog. You DO reveal the messy, you DO encourage, you DO teach me things. Thank you.
Kimberly M says
Well said! Having the first one was like being flipped upside-down. Having the second was like doing it all over while still hanging upside-down. The third one was when I finally figured out how to stop fighting and just hang there…..
Sherry says
Love this! Thanks for a smiling way to look at the chaos of motherhood! 🙂
Savannah says
Thank you! This Mama of ” only two” (so far), with another on the way, appreciates this very much!
Jessica says
Thank you so much for your words!
As a mommy of six these are the exact thoughts I have.
God bless you!
Kimberly Murray says
I was up with my 16 year old over her problems late last night, and woke up having to give another child a spanking for fighting and then lying (still legal and very much my parental right and duty) before a sip of coffee…I needed to read this today. *mother of 5*
karen says
I feel your pain I am the same way I have four girls ages 4,6,9, and 14 years old and I to was spanking one after an other some days its hard lets chat karen
Alexis says
Amen a million times over. Thank you Amy for writing what is on all our hearts.
Jessica White says
#2 Hands Down ALWAYS!
I get so much negative from people because we have 5 kids…that somehow the number of kids has really anything to do with our finances, good or bad {it doesn’t}, or that it’s harder because we have 5 {it isn’t…being a mom is hard, whether you have 1 or 10}.
Ellie says
I’ve been praying about this topic of how much to share and to whom about the struggles of having more kids than the cultural norm (I have 6 kiddos under 12). I’ve come to the conclusion that how much I share depends on the depth of relationship. A passerby obviously doesn’t need to know how hard it is, but a good friend should definitely be able to handle hearing my struggles. I just need to pray that what I share doesn’t turn into complaining or hopelessness. I recently went through some postpartum depression (fairly mild) and sharing about it to friends was part of the healing process, I believe. I love my friends who have lots of boys like me and bigger families as I know they “get it” and I appreciate hearing your perspectives as well!
Janelle@The Peaceful Haven says
Thank you for your honesty…As a Mom of 6 I can relate and give a wholehearted AMEN! I am thankful you wrote this and for all the large family Mom’s out there that are too timid to speak the whole truth I say THANK YOU! Will be sharing your wonderful post!
Kristi Clover says
Awesome post, my friend!!! This is my heart and I only have 5 kids! It’s so hard to be totally real, yet I really try to be. Funny how people want to interview you because you have lots of kids. A generation or two ago your family would be considered fairly normal size. Blessings to you!!
rebecca childers says
I have 11 kids, 2 grown and 9 at home 13 years old down to 2 year old twins. I am wiping my eyes because I desperately needed to hear this today. I feel the same way about moms with large families……how they are super moms and do it so much better than me. I should have known but the adversary loves to steal our joy. I am so happy that I am not the only one who stays tired and sometimes stand on the front porch for 2 minutes just to remind myself that I begged God for each of my children and that they are all blessings even when they make me want to tear my hair out. Thank you for sharing and helping me today. May God pour his most choice blessings on you and your family!!!
Jamie says
THANK YOU!!!!!!! I agree with every single word you wrote!!! As a mommy of 7 and one blessing on the way i love my children more then anything! I thank God for every event that happens in our life…its a journey to have children and each phase is different and exciting and scary and stressful…but its our to travel…I pray everyday that i bring glory to God in all my children and husband and i do. …and yes 100% about don’t blame my family for hard days! That’s when the mommy lion comes out and I get more upset then pleased…I love my family and would not trade a single person…thank you for being so honest God bless you and yours
Kristy says
I am a mom with 5 kids, and I agree that homeschooling a large family is tough.
I agree that homeschooling moms-of-many tend to hide their vulnerabilities for all the reasons that you shared.
I cannot be one of those moms.
The reason: because, as a young mom, I read all the rosey articles and blog posts and FB statuses from the Super Moms who made motherhood and homemaking and homeschooling sound easy and spiritual… and then I lived that life and discovered that they had not been honest.
I would rather have people see me struggle through the reality of my life than to give the false impression that I have it all together, that I can do this alone. THAT life is lonely, for me and for the moms around me who are trying to hold it all together and wondering how everyone does it right but them.
Yes, vulnerability is scary. But maybe people expect us to be perfect because we are giving them the impression that we feel like we have to be.
LESLIE says
Thank you for this. I’m currently pregnant with #7 (have 3 in Heaven from miscarriages ) and in the midst of morning sickness. I feel like I don’t always accomplish a lot in a day, but I’m thankful for my blessings I have. But, I needed to have this reminder that every mom has moments like this!
MEL says
Thank you for putting into words exactly how I feel and I only have 4 babes xxx
Michele Massie says
I have seven kids and the oldest is nine years old. I find the article interesting as it touches on a fear I have had. Yet, in reality, when I share my struggles, other moms are so happy to hear I have them. They have lifted me up as this organized mom that has it all together, and end up being encouraged that I am just the same as them.
I wonder how much our fears, comparisons, and thinking we know how others will react ends up effecting our transparency and ability to encourage others.
Something for me to think about, for sure. I guess, ultimately the struggle for me is how to live like Christ in spite of other people. ???? Looking only at Christ and not what others think, or what they might say, or do.
rebecca says
I just had to reply! I also have 7 kids and the oldest is nine. 🙂
Your thoughts are very true 🙂
Caroline says
I am a mother of 6 (15b, 12b, 10g, 7b, 5b & 5b {yes twins!})… I could have written all you said… Exactly how I feel… Thank you for saying it!
BABYCHAser says
Yes!
Number 6 was born in September and my oldest is 9 today. My mom, who is such a blessing and is here everyday (she has been living in our detached garage for the last couple years) helping with dishes and laundry and children, actually told me that, while she loves our children, she hopes we are done.
The comment annoyed me at first, and still does some, but she has told me since that she hates seeing me have to work so hard, and ultimately I think it is my own fault because she sees the days (sometimes many of them) that I struggle, am angry, am unhappy etc.
We should not complain, of course, and we need to guard or attitudes, but those who see us when we are struggling spiritually to do these things well are hard to convince that we love our large families and that children are a blessing.
What you said is so true. Sometimes the only way to go through the hard times without judgement is to be fake.
My struggles lately take me a step further though. I’ve received the blessing of lots of help these last few months since our youngest was born, and through his eating and growth problems. Meals and help around the house, etc. I’ve been feeling guilty for having so many children because it puts others out. Like I have a lot of nerve having so many children. Perhaps I’m projecting these feelings on others, perhaps not. But I dred announcing another baby if the Lord should bless us again.
Thanks for your encouraging post! And your honesty for those of us behind you!
Christi says
Thank you for writing this. Every point is right on for me. We are expecting number 8 this spring and I feel like I can’t be honest with anyone about how hard this mommy job is! This is why I love your blog, your honesty is refreshing. I don’t feel all alone in this journey when I sit down to read:) thank you!
DM says
This is spot on with my 6th on the way! In a nutshell, the blessings outweigh the sacrifice. All it takes is an unforgettable moment to shift that negativity into a well of joy you wouldn’t trade for a moment’s peace. But those breaks are sure nice! 🙂
Richelle says
Oh Amy this is so well said and I love, love, love your honesty. I think us moms need to here this more often, because life is hard and our jobs are not easy by any means. Some of it made me chuckle. xoxoxo
Emily says
I agree one million percent.
-a mom of 8 under 11.
Ruth CowgirlAmerica says
Thankyou for this! I only have one so far but I appreciate your honesty.
I also appreciate the attitude of looking for the blessings instead of the burdens of motherhood, I think we’d all be happier if we took that approach!
LYNELL says
Understand totally….I have 13:)
I am very blessed!
Jennifer Torres says
Exactly!! I have 12 currently expecting 13 and I agree with this totally.
SUSAN says
Well said and God Bless you! I am from a large family and I always wanted a large family, but I was blessed with just one child. Prayers for strength and courage for God has chosen you to be a great mother to all of your children.
Mary says
“Ever notice how moms with one or two kids feel free to share their struggles? They don’t mind people knowing they’ve had a difficult day, and some are even so bold as to tell you how rotten their kids are.”
I don’t think you can pigeon hole moms with one or two kids this way, either. I am the mom of just two (and that was NOT by choice — but it was God’s plan for our family). I think we all have struggles and it’s important for ALL of us — whether we have one or 10 children — to speak freely about the joys and hardships of mothering.
Even women with NO children have struggles. In the body of Christ we can all support each other, and that’s a beautiful thing.
Blessings to you — your family is beautiful, Amy.
Sarah says
Morning sickness is SO HARD at 35 with baby number six. and, it’s all in my head because my morning sickness is not worse, by any means… but, I’m just exhausted every day to wake up and know I WILL throw up today. And, I WILL have to eat eggs or almonds at some point today because I can’t live on toast and cookies and Dr Pepper.
And, I may be at a stale-mate with my older kids right now over a poopy diaper that I just can’t muster the courage to face. But, alas, I must.
This is the dirty rotten truth.
HOWEVER, three was so much harder. I couldn’t get my junk together to go to town for anything more than a Wal-Mart trip. And, I have SO MUCH MORE help now than I ever did with less than three.
I love being a large family. I will not share all my dirty secrets with me because, YES, I feel judged for my choice to have more than three. But, I love my life. Even with morning sickness.
Kendra says
#2, #2, #2. I’ve just heard, “Well, if you hadn’t had all those kids…” just a few too many times. Okay, once. But it was from a family member who actually loves my kids but has absolutely no filter. It stung. Now I just smile and pray for grace – for her and for me 🙂
Love you, Amy.
April says
Wether your a mom of a large family or small God has blessed us as moms. I have three children and I just like any mom have my good moments and my tough ones with my children through the day. It’s part of being a mom. We as moms should support each other no matter how many kids we do or do not have. Our jobs are the same to raise our children to live God and to serve him. We should be trying to raise our children to be those who would contribute and not take to love and God and others before themselves. I think being a mom is hard and rewarding all at the same time and I want to support the moms around me not tear them down
Brooke says
Love this! We have 10 so far and know this by heart. The Lord changes us more and more with each new little one!
Nola says
I feel this way but I only have 3 children. For some reason, I guess for the above reasons, as soon as I had one more child than 2, people blamed my amount of children on my problems. I have even been told many times I have a large family! Seriously?! The only people I feel comfortable talking to about my issues are the other moms with the same number of children or more children than me and those who also homeschool (since I find that homeschooling can also be blamed for my problems when I have them). Well written! Thank you!
Trisha says
Thank you so much for sharing. I have “only” five children. They are my greatest joy and my greatest misery. I am an introvert, and the constant chaos swirling around me makes me absolutely want to lose my mind. Honestly, I don’t enjoy the daily grind of caring for all these kids. But I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. Most of my friends have two or three kids. They think I am crazy. Once I complained about how overwhelmed and exhausted I am and my dear friend, mother of two, said something to the affect of “your choice, your problem.” It was heartbreaking, and since I have tried to keep my struggles to myself. I feel so alone, because I can’t connect with my real life friends on parenting. I started following a lot of online mothers of many. Right away I felt even more incompetent and distraught. These mothers with so many adored every moment. Their children were well behaved and their homes and homeschools in perfect order. If I was homeschooling only five, why was it so hard for me and why was I not enraptured with the joy of it when they were doing so well and loving it with eight or ten?
korie says
Trisha, I feel for you. Don’t be discouraged! Go to the Lord with your struggles and pray for real life friends who you can be very honest with and encouraged by. And don’t be afraid to find a sweet mother’s helper. In high school, I helped out a young large family and were friends with the mom. The relationship blessed all of us. And find a way to get alone…with God but also just for fun (or spending time with friends, but it sounds like you would enjoy some quiet fun alone). And the things I have learned from some large family moms are the systems they have in place (meal planning, discipline, cleaning schedules) that help them stay afloat. Boy, do I need help with organization! Remember that you can do all things through Christ who is your strength!
Debra says
Trisha,
I just wanted to say that I totally get what you’re saying! And I would love some more blogs from moms of many who share the struggles. There are so many different types of people and some have lives that are more orderly and organized and others don’t. I, for one, have 4 kids, babysit another 3 days a week and homeschool. I totally don’t have it all together!! (It’s so encouraging to hear that I’m not alone in that) As crazy and chaotic and overwhelming as things often feel I wouldn’t change our choices. Some days I want to hide form the kids (and some days I actually do hide 😉 but I would happily welcome more kids and chaos to my life if God so moved. I would love to invite you to read my blog full of all my struggles but I don’t have it together enough to find the time to have such a blog, lol! This page and all the comments though just go to show how real the struggle is… But also how great the blessings 🙂
KAREN says
Trisha,
I could’ve written the same thing!!! I almost drive myself crazy comparing myself to others. There are some days when I dread getting up because I know I won’t stop for the next 15-16 hours. I dread this walk sometimes too. But when the day is done and they are asleep, I look at their pictures on the wall and feel like the richest woman in the world!
I feel like everyone else has it together and I’m the dummy on the block. My boys are not that well behaved in public. I try!!! It embarrasses me and I feel like a failure and like I am dishonoring God because my kids don’t walk the line. John 21:21-22 helps me but it doesn’t take the sting out of people’s comments. Part of me would love to have another baby but I fear the comments. No one in my family wants us to have another and people at church even have negative things to say.
I have 5 boys 9 and under. We don’t homeschool anymore, but life is still hard. But I know in my heart, if God allows me to live many more years, I will look back and be so glad I listened to HIM and tried my best to do it His way.
Sometimes I don’t think there is an “answer”, we just have to keep on keeping on. The demands of motherhood will be over one day and you know part of you will miss it. I will. I pray God will send you a “real” friend! This motherhood journey can be very lonely. I don’t have any friends where I live, so I understand completely!
Sherah says
I hear you 🙂 I was raised in a family of nine kids so the chaos and noise were something I was familiar with. I’m always amazed though that my four ,all under the age of nine, seem to make way more noise than all of my siblings did. Btw, chainsaw headphones are a God-send when the noise gets to be too much. (I originally bought them to help me sleep better while my husband snores LOL) You can still hear what’s going on,but a much lower decibel level. 🙂
Michelle says
Your article was very timely! Just last week we also were highlighted in our local paper because it was National Adoption Month. We have 6 birth children and now 7 adopted, and I can relate to every one of the comments! I also dreaded announcing that we were either expecting or adopting again, and instead of congratulations, we often get” I don’t know how you do it- I couldn’t” or unintentionally insensitive comments like how “they couldn’t afford that” or “how do your other kids feel about that?” or “I couldn’t adopt because you never know what kind of kid you wll get”. Crazy stuff!! We certainly didn’t plan to have 13 kids when we got married, but God has led us down this path, placing adoption on our hearts and showing us so many blessings because we have listened to Him. Yes, there are times when I wish I was going out to dinner with my hubby but instead I’m “feeding the multitudes” in our kitchen, but I know that this is where I’m supposed to be. I don’t understand how people can praise others for taking exotic vacations or adding to their home, but then condemn us for spending the money to adopt an orphan! My children have learned so many important life lessons, especially how to SHARE and how to always consider someone else- no one can indulge in selfishness when they belong to a large familly!! Thank you for your post 🙂
Becky says
Right?!
May God Bless you, dear Mother, and give you strength!
heidi says
Thanks.You.So.Very.Much!!!! I so needed to read this today. I have been praying for wisdom on what God wants me to work on. This amongst other similar things have answers hitting me straight in the heart. I am a mommy of six an the days for the past year have very hard. I know you can’t really express how difficult life can get at times but it has been over here. I love your sentence on our children and home life being our mission field and most days being hard. I know this, I hqve said it myself and believe it with all my heart. But I seem to forget it in the midst of troubled times. Thank you so much for taking the time to encourage this fellow large family mama
Carol says
The same can be said of Moms With multiply handicapped children, with an added situation to deal with: most children & some adults are scared of the child and either walk away or stare! My daughter knew how people felt!
I didn’t share trips to the hospital, times of real sickness, the up & down roller coaster life, but I would not change the blessing of my life with her for anything. She was an angel sent from above, always sweet and loving. We were blessed!
Tammy says
This article is such a blessing!
My mil stopped acknowledging my pregnancies after #3, we have 6. She would even be silent or change the subject if the pregnancy was brought up.
We do homeschool as well. I have a daughter in college, then a 13 yr old, a 6, 5, and 3.5 yr old (boys!), and another girl, 1.5. My days are long and crazy sometimes. I’d love to hide, but they know all my hiding places, lol!
I have people out in public say,”oh wow, that’s crazy. You poor thing!”
I’m not poor, I’m blessed!
Jamie @ Medium Sized Family says
Spot on! We have 5 and constantly get nasty comments, even from family members. You can’t let your guard down and give them more ammunition, so you just plug on and try to keep it as positive as you can.
Darcy says
Amy, how true this is! I never really thought about it but yes. You put it so nicely. I still don’t think so much that I am a mom to a large family (5) but I guess I am. To me I am just mom, not mom of a large family. LOL Love your honesty and your blog!! 🙂
Meghan says
I have 9 children, ages 10 mos to 16. When I read your blog, it is like I have written it myself! This post is complete and utter truth. I bet it was hard publishing it, but I applaud you. It feels like relief to see it written it black and white! I’ll be sharing it on my wall and maybe it will help some to understand. Many blessings on you!
Loucrecia says
I guess we all have our vulnerable spots. I only have two, & they’re almost 4 years apart. We would like to have a larger family, maybe five kids, but we’ve struggled with infertility. So every time one of my friends with a large family announces they’re expecting again, honestly it’s sometimes all I can do not to burst into tears. I love them, they’re my friends & they’re great moms, maybe not perfect, but no one is. Yet I can’t help this thing inside me that, while happy for them,ales me feel like something inside me is broken.
I never thought of the things you brought up though. I guess I too have come to see them as super moms.
Kelli says
Amy, you bless all of moms of many. Im 8 month preggers with baby 8 and cant walk across the room with out feeling completley exhausted. I love this life ive chosen but, there are days like today when id rather be on a beach somewhere sipping a cold one. Not a beached whale on the sofa, unable to do for myself. God will provide. God will sustain.
Stephanie Kephart says
We have 9 children and you would not believe how many times I heard”are you done yet?” and other rude comments. I wish everyone would read this. Such an encouragement and blessings to read.
Tennille says
You are my sister from the same Father. I feel like you & I were twins seperated at birth…ha, ha!
Seriously, i could have wrote this post….If i found the time ????.
I agree with every single thing you said. Having 8 ourselves & most likely more….it gets very lonely. Even mut mother says, “Tennille, you need to stop having babies” when ai call her to express my stress or sorrow….its so frustrating.
But, it’s all good too. We’ll survive this & come out the other side with a troop to be proud of and a ton of grandbabies to smother with kisses.
Thank you for your words….they are spot on!
Jamie Irwin says
Your post inspired me???? I wholeheartedly agree with it!
http://lifefullyloaded.com/2015/12/04/a-real-day-in-the-life-of-a-large-family-mom/
Jamie ( mom of nine)
julie@my5monkeys says
So true and I have a large family too. Other’s are surprised that we have 5 kids and that I’m working part time. I don’t share all what really goes on too. Great post 🙂
Michele Kleckner says
My best friend has a large family- 5 kids and one more any day now. I love her kids, I love her family like my own. People think that I am the crazy one because I OFFER to sit with the kids so mom and dad can go out, I take the kids out so they can be home alone– sometimes it is nice to just be home. When her husband works I take the kids so she can have alone time. I love my dear friend and she shares these deep dark thoughts with me and I love her for it. My children are grown so people REALLY look at me weird and give me the “So many kids” comments when I walk through the store with 5 kids at age 50 If I have some of my grandkids I love going to the store with 8 or 9 kids just so I can tell people how blessed I am!! This is a really good article and reminds me to ASK my friend how she REALLY is. Most times she will just tell me but sometimes I have to prod.
korie says
I’m gonna pray for a friend like you! What a blessing!
Monica says
uh, yeah… totally this… as a mom of 10, ages 19years to 16 months, with #11 on the way…. yeah… every one of these…
April says
I appreciate you writing this, and I only have three children. I love the idea of large families, and both my husband and I wouldn’t mind it. However, three children can be very challenging as well which has deterred us from going further. From the outside it always seemed like larger families do not have the struggles that I am having. And I always wondered why. It made me think that if I was struggling right now, how in the world would I have more children? So, thank you for being honest.
KinsEy says
Thank you so much for sharing this! You have no idea the weight you just lifted off my shoulders….I feel so much pressure because of my large family to put up a good front when in reality it is a challenge. I love them and wouldn’t trade this life for anything but it’s a challenge. Thank you for your honesty!
Missy Hoffman says
YES! Thank you for writing this. I would love to share this on my blog (just trying to get back into writing over there!). Would you mind if I link to your post and quote you? I have 14 total, 11 at home…long, long story! I totally get it. 🙂 –Missy–
JADE says
Yes! Yes! Yes!!!!!! This is *exactly* why we don’t share as much as others. Thank you for writing this!!
Debra says
I think people should just be real. We all struggle. It makes the rest of us with less kids feel bad when large families act like they have it all together. People are always going to say stupid things and have their opinions. I’ve had people say some of those things because I homeschool, or that I have all boys. The rest of us want to know about your struggles and how you walk through them. Not how you cover them up and try to look perfect.
jackie kent says
This family is not large, story is pathetic
Deborah says
I have 5 children and my husband and I are young. We had them close together and started when we were 17/18….I love this writing that you shared it’s so true! I’ve had many harsh words thrown my way when my children and I have been out without my husband (while he was working) the stares like we are a circus…I’ve been told I’m brave taking 5 kids out….people don’t understand and I just love the way you put it all!
Jenifer Harrod says
This is so true! I’m glad you spoke to this. So many times I have to smile and say that we are all fine when I am stressed and overworked and struggling. I find that certain people want a reason to judge so I just don’t give it to them. Merry Christmas!
Sherry says
Thank you for this post, Amy! You nailed it (as you so often do!). I’m going to send this post out to my family who probably know I’m sugar-coating things at times, but wouldn’t really know why. I think for me number 1 really hit the nail on the head! So many people assume that a large family and a stay-at -home mom is “required” to be that way by an overbearing or controlling husband. In our family, at least, that is certainly not the case. But I guess most people cannot imagine a lady wanting to have such “challenges”! Thank you for sharing your heart, and helping me to put words to what is in my own heart.
Petra says
Totally agree!! I have six children ( the youngest is 4 weeks) and I won’t tell people that it’s hard, especially those I know who are most likely to say it’s our fault for having so many kids. I wouldn’t part with any of them but of course there are times that it is very overwhelming and we tend to have to bear it by ourselves. Thank you for being brave enough to let people know that we do find it hard at times and we don’t have it all together.
KathErine says
I feel the same way! We have 7 and I never tell anyone anything except that everything is fine. I don’t want to hear how I should send them to public school to get a break or how we did it to ourselves, since I love our family and would not change a thing. It would just be nice to have a friend to talk to who I could be open with and not feel I had to be careful what I say. I think I am lonely sometimes since my dream life is a nightmare to the few people I know but if my dream was a high paying career that was taking this much energy and time out of the day, they would think it was smart on my part and worthwhile even?
i was wondering, are there any other large family moms out there tired of having to explain to neighbors and relatives that when a stomach bug or parasite or whatever crud gets into our house we are in trouble for a good 2 weeks compared to the usual 2 days! I feel some just don’t understand that stomach bugs for 6 or more, or lice, or the flu, ends up being a month or more of battle and so much laundry it will bring a mom to their knees, but you all already know this but it felt good to get it out!
Amanda says
What a great post! I have nine children and I completely agree with all of your points. People comment all the time when we are out. The one that bothers me most is “You have your hands full”. To me it implies that my children are unruly and a burden. I usually responed with “I love it” or “They are a blessing”.
Thanks Amy!!
Jo says
Love this! We have 5 kids, 7 & under & I can totally relate to this post!
The funny part is that I saw the link to this article this morning on FB, opened it & didn’t have time to read it.
This afternoon, my sweet Dad emailed me the link, saying, “Thought of you when I read this.” I had to email him back saying I’ve got it up in my browser right now, but no time to read it. 😉 Now I’ve read it & totally agree!
Kim says
Amy,
This is so very well said! With every point you made I was saying in my head, “Amen!” It’s so nice to know that other moms understand who we are as a large family mom.
Thank you for this post it has really touched my heart. I will definitely be sharing it.
NATASHIA says
We are expecting #8 in the spring and much of this post resonates with me.
Blessings
hope says
Thank you for this post, while I only have 5 blessings so many of this is how I look at my family, made my day! There are just a few who I feel I can truely talk to about the hard parts of having 5 and homeschooling, and the many other things a mom’s life is all about! So thank you! Enjoy your blog and your posts!
kelly says
My take on big families, I have loved being around them and hated it too. I love their families but feel they judge others for not having a big family, sometime it feels they have another child to parade want saints they are for having a big family to others like bragging. Here is the deal about being real and honest instead of acting like we are the picture perfect family, here goes humility. So that doesn’t scare people but lets everyone know you are a normal family. And as far as condemnation goes, because someone can look at it and say yes that is part of the problem with having a big family is acknowledging what comes with a big family. I have been around one healthy large family, my cousins 15 kids and they never talked about being a large family:)
Erin says
This is an attitude that has always irked me, even before I started moving closer to the realm of “large” familydom. If you only have one or two kids, you get the snark from those who have no kids. Or someone who waited until they were older to have kids. But it seems that motherhood is the only job where you’re just not allowed to have a bad day. You’re not allowed to not be happy and in a good mood every single second.
I saw a video a couple of years ago with a mom made a hilarious YouTube video in which she sang about having a family of boys. I think it was a parody of “When You Say Nothing At All.” Anyway, it had all the usual hi jinks little boys are known for… messes and loudness and all that. But it was obviously meant for humor. There were still numerous comments about how if she didn’t like mess/noise/whatever she shouldn’t have had children in the first place. What the what?
It’s like with any other job, you are allowed to have a rough day and admit it. If you’re a nurse or a teacher or whatever. You can say that it was a rough day. The students were unruly or you’re tired from being on your feet all day. And people offer sympathy. There is no “Well if you don’t like being on your feet, why did you become a nurse in the first place?!” There is a general understanding that a bad moment or stressful periods doesn’t = “I hate my job and want to quit.” I’m a writer, and I complain about clients and deadlines, and nobody has ever said “Then why did you become a writer???” But moms don’t get that luxury. If your life seems to be anything other than butterflies and unicorn farts, then you obviously shouldn’t have chosen that path. You should have just not had kids. I don’t get it.
This post is so true for that, and many other reasons. I “only” have four kids and people act like I obviously have things all figured out. I try not to laugh. I do try to be honest, though. About the fact that sometimes it’s messy and I get stressed and that doesn’t mean I’d change anything. If they make their remarks, then I just feel sad that they don’t get it. How great it is, even when it’s awful.
Monkey Mama says
…oh those thoughts, apply to ALL MOMS… We all hesitate to share challenges, having been diminished, put in our places, and yes, we don’t want to blame it all on husbands or the kids… The world, so very differnet and the neighborhoods ghost towns, for the few moms that remain to inhabit neighborhoods, and do work of children left behind, or elderly ones, etc. etc. Thanks for sharing your heart, as all you said applies with ones with large families, or with one, Those with one child, too, I’m sure don’t dare to voice the exhaustion, etc. for fear, they will appear weak.. . We need to band together as one, women! All need to share the joys, and at times, the struggles, of motherhood, being a wife, and so on….
Patti says
Very inspirational post. I am a Mom to 19 children. 18 of them are adopted from the foster care system and no one understands why we would choose to take in so many kids ( except others that have done the same thing) We can’t talk about the time we spend helping these kids get past the trauma they have endured. We can’t talk about the hours spent in psychiatric hospitals, juvenile detention, on the street looking for run aways because of the abuse they have been through. It may discourage others from stepping up to help these hurting children.
Joyce says
Hi Ladies. This article and your comments below are exactly how it is. We have been blessed with 9 children and I just had to smile at all the comments that are exactly how it is in our family as well. Totally on the mark. Blessings and Encouragement to you all.
Elizabeth says
Excellent post! You’ve hit the nail on the head!
My favorite part is where you say – We love our kids and we’d like you to see your own children as a blessing!
Thanks for sharing!
Lorie says
Quite true!! I have 7 children ranging from 18 to 12 (adopted 3). I also think that others tend to ask us to do more “volunteering” because we understand how to adjust to accomplish the most important things. Others tend to assume that we can always adjust to fit one more thing, and are sometimes suprised if we say “no.”
Lisa says
Yes!!! To th e article and all the comments!! What’s got me convicted now is how the devil SO wants us to “shut up and take it”, and feel alone. We need to fight him in this, and be a light in the darkness!! I know it can seem like to share our struggles might be scary, but ALSO if someone is on the edge of wanting one more baby and just don’t think they can handle it, WE might be the permission they can get, to see that we don’t have it all together either but there is still LOVE! I know there are some large family Facebook pages too, Large Families on Purpose and Large Family Mothering are two where you can get encoursgement and know you’ll be supported 🙂 Lets be fruitful spiritually as well as family-kids wise!! Prayers for all of you today!!
TFleu725 says
As the oldest of a family with 10 children, (I am 25, the youngest is 3) let me just say to all you moms – it is worth it. It is worth it all and if no one ever understands you on earth, God in heaven knows.
Jessica S. says
Thank you! I am not a mom yet but I pray to be one of a large family. I was raised in a large family and loved it! As I grew older those point where translated too us as kids, teens and young adults. We always wanted everyone else to love our family the way we did. We didn’t share the family drama with others for the same fears. Yes, we were the reasons mom would need a break and hide in her room. The older we got the more we understood that what we had was precious! My husband and I are praying that we will be pregnant soon and that this will be the first of many.
Elizabeth says
This is so true! We are such an anomaly (sadly) that we feel we are living in a fishbowl. We have 10 children and half of them are now out of the house. Life is so much easier now! But do I dare mention (with a sigh) how I’m glad we are past bottles and diapers? NO! Because I want my children to know there are blessings to be had in that season of life. Anyway, at the end of the day, everybody is counting on Mom and we won’t let them down!
GAyle B says
I have 8 children, ages 11-28, and am in my 23rd year of homeschooling. I started down this path because I truly believe it is God’s plan for me. It’s not been easy, but seeing my children become beautiful, well-adjusted, successful, spiritually sound young people has been worth all the days of struggle. There is struggle because you are fighting for those kids’ souls. The daily battles were sometimes terrible. But, now that I’m at the end of those days, my family can look back and laugh. I honestly never thought I would. God gave me the grace to persevere and He will give it to you also.
T says
I read your piece because a friend shared it on facebook. I have several friends raising large families so I was already aware of some things you spoke about. I felt simultaneously awed by your words and saddened. You are clearly an incredible, thoughtful, loving human being who manages an incredible feat with grace. Awe-inspiring. The fact that you feel you have to hide your stuggles and vulnerabilities for fear of ridicule and critism is appalling. I hear THAT from women in a great variety of situations. Large family…don’t complain cause you asked for it. Only one child…just be glad you got one. Divorced…it takes two to Tango. Abusive relationship…should have known better. Homeschooling, working, stay-at-home…
Even my friends who are part of the golden, mainstream-endorsed lifestyle frequently post memes about how a strong woman will never let you see her cry.
I think its a product of a sick society where compassion is not the norm. While “it takes a village” has become cliché, the practice of supporting each other has not.
Thank you for this beautifully written expression of your personal experience. I wish for us all to be accepting of each other in our unique circumstance and to embrace opportunities to embrace each other in our human process.
Shine on.
AngEla williams says
I can’t tell you enough how this article has encouraged my heart as I seek to glorify The Lord in raising out four ( soon to be five kids) under the age of six …. And homeschool as well. You said so much that I feel and think but couldn’t articulate… Thank you for saying the hard things and reminding me of the goodness of god. May he receive glory from this article and your humility !
Your sister in Christ ,
Angela
Narobi says
Amy, the photo of your family made me smile. I love large families! I love to count all the kids I just think it’s sooo cool….,it’s beautiful! I am an unmarried, 30yr old single gal and would love to be a mother someday. I come from a family of 7 children, 5 girls and 2 boys (both brothers were adopted). I would think that my mother got many comments about the family size, but growing up it was a lot of fun. Hardly a dull moment from what I remember. Our culture is so backwards in many respects. Lots of the times children are seen as good things only if you have like 2. Have 3 and all of a sudden you are a “large” family and on the verge of being crazy or something. It’s sad. I have a sister who just had number 4 about a month ago (her oldest is almost 6yrs) and when I tell people about her, I’ve gotten the “concerned” look. I feel I have to add something like “Oh, they want a lot of kids” or “She’s happy” or something like that to counter the negative reactions. I feel like I have to “defend” her, it’s crazy! They are just babies and I love having lots of nieces and nephews. Children are blessings, period. Blessings sometimes hurt, are difficult and make you tired, but God has already said what He was going to say and that’s all that matters. Prayers for your family! No one here is perfect and if you love your children, tend to their needs, and point them to Jesus, you are doing your job well. Keep your head up! May this be a source of blessing to you and yours! http://www.melrose-drive.org/media2/sermons/page
Vivian says
Im a momof8 also. Great reasons you have posted here. Number 4 is my favorite (reason, not kid). Thank you for your article.
Laurie says
Yes!! #2!!! Spot on.
kim says
I love this post…. Where were you when mine were small!! I have five all of ages from 26-18. I remember when mine were small, people would stare say rude comments.. Like do you know what causes this. I would just smile and say I sure do. I look back over the years of messes, fights, crying,food fights,fevers and so much more. I would do it all over again with more children if the Lord seen fit. Just know they do grow up. That’s where I am now:-( 🙂 I struggle with a empty nest. It’s hard seeing them leave and building there on life, but then again that’s what we raised them to do. We raise them to love the Lord with all there heart and soul. To see them work,marry, have children of there on. It makes your heart rejoice. When the same people come to you and tell you what a good job you have done raising your children. I just smile and say it was the Lord. Amy, I’m thankful for your blog. I can’t wait for next post, God Bless!!
Lindsay jaquith says
God bless you in this journey you have embarked on. I am the oldest of ten children. I know what my mom goes through. I know what I g o through. It is very tough. And you are so right about showing people a good face. People say “I don’t know how you do it”. And ” you do such a good job” But they don’t see home life. They don’t see the yelling and the crying and the frustration that goes on at home. And you think if they only knew. We have three biological and almost seven adopted( one will soon be) and I would not trade them for the world but some days you do wish you could get five seconds of Peace. But God HAS blessed us with so much family. And it is a mission field. One of the biggest missions with the most responsibilities. Because you don’t convert them and leave after awhile and leave them in some one else’s care. You are in it for the long haul. So bless you and God keep you sane, and give you many wonderful days with your children.
Luciann meyerhofer says
I understand what you and all the ladies are talking about. Having had 7 babies and homeschooling and having just lost the family business to a fire a month ago. We all have our trials, but I have friends and relatives with large families that have the same issues as us all. I recommend you seek out them and share with them. Holding it in all the time is not good, gain a support group and at least you don’t feel alone and who cares if others don’t get it, your true friends will. And above all I keep telling my self: God will not give me more than I can handle.
Jessica says
I only have 2 kids, and I share my woes with anyone who will listen. I have admired many large family moms and wondered at “how they do it”. I am very thankful you wrote this, it all makes so much sense, but it’s not something that I would have come to understand without it being pointed out and explained. I don’t want to share a lot of things about me because of the judgment I know is going on (out loud and silently)…it just makes sense. I hate that we have to guard ourselves in such a way and we can’t just share our hearts without fear of another woman’s judgement, but I’m thankful for the friends I have that allow me to call/text/message and really share what kind of day I had without regetting it. Thank you for your perspective.
Holly Campbell says
Thanks for writing this. It is SO true! We have 5 going on 6 and and my oldest is 9 so I am totally with you sometimes hiding from the noise. LOL I realized the other day the way I tend to look at mothers of large families and how I always have growing up, thinking they had it all together and now I have been realizing that some people might think that of me but I am just a normal person with struggles of my own like everyone else. The Lord is so good to give us the strength to keep going and doing His work.
Colene says
Well that made me feel like crap, because I do share my struggles, and I didn’t feel guilty…until now. I never complain about my kids though. Usually its money or significant life changes that I’m struggling with. I would never think that people would blame my kids or their father for anything. My friends love my children, and now how much I do too. Each one is a blessing, and I don’t think they think I shouldn’t have as many as I do, even though it’s hard. The little stuff doesn’t get to me, like a mother with a smaller family, I think. Messes, things like that, are just part of the fun. The real hard part is making sure there is food on the table, electricity, and a roof over their heads. That is my struggles, and I do share them with my friends, because they understand I’m hurting inside.
MAmaK says
I’ve considered parenting a refining process…and God just keeps getting deeper with every kid. I mean, who wants to remain stuck in any illusion that they have everything under control, that they know it all, and live in a clean, yet empty home??
Wanna avoid knowing just how selfish you REALLY are? Or don’t wanna know just how impatient you can get? Avoid kids.
But if you want to be refined and undergo some form of being perfected…if you want to partner with the Lord to cocreate an eternal being, raising arrows, a spiritual army…if you’re ready to at least attempt to die to yourself DAILY and put on Christ…if you’re ready for the most challenging job you could ever do that pretty much REQUIRES you to lean on the Lord…parenthood may be beckoning.
Parenthood is not for the faint of heart…just ask anyone whose had to change a diaper. 😉
MeRri says
I don’t agree and that’s really hard to say. Admittedly I’m in a different place, now. I am a mom of ten, and hallelujah, my youngest turned 5 a few days ago.
Hiding the truth is lying. Putting on a good front is prideful. If we can trust God to build our families we can also trust Him to protect His own reputation. No, they won’t understand and yes, they will judge, but our God is bigger.
I’m currently under the microscope of several atheists and they can smell a lie from hundreds of miles away. I desperately want them to know my huge God and that means being honest and cringing while they sniff around in my life.
There is room for prudence, obviously everyone doesn’t need to know everything, but if they ask and you care at all about them, be honest. Perfect families have hurt the church in a multitude of ways, let’s not contribute to that.
Funny to read comments applauding the author for her honesty in a blogpost about covering up.
Prayers for moms of large families everywhere.
Corine says
Amen!
LAS says
We are a newly blended family of 5 & it is soooo much harder than I expected. I have ran my own daycare for almost 12 years so bringing in 2 more kiddos full time seemed easy peasy to me….WRONG!! The almost 15 year old is autistic & some days he acta like a typical teenager & other days he acts 5. At 16, 14, 13, 11, & 6 it is constant. I didn’t realize how much they’d bicker & even at 13 & 11 they tattle on each other. The laundry each week has doubled, its double the nagging to complete homework, help w/chores, etc. Its learning what to cook to please 7 people….I’m at 2 dinners everyone agrees on & likes without complaint.
I wouldnt change it for the world, but I was definitely naive in thinking how easy & fun it would be.
Angela says
This is a wonderful truth. I love how so many ladies are starting to feel free to speak the truth and encourage others who might have similar struggles. Life is hard. It gets harder as we gain more responsibility (and we all get another huge dose of responsibility with each child that joins our family). I have 5 children who are all young and close in age. We get a lot of looks and a lot of comments when we all go out together; that’s okay. I do feel very blessed to have my 5, but I also daydream, on occasion, of what it would be like to be single again with no responsibilities and no one depending on me at every moment of every day. It’s a nice, brief thought, but when I realize how much I would lose I am reminded of what is important in my life, what my legacy is and how much I love this precious family of mine. The Lord will give me my strength to make it through the difficult times. There have been a couple of days in which I just stayed in bed as long as humanly possible. There have been days when DVDs are my babysitter (we don’t have TV or cable because I don’t need that added noise). There have been days when hot dogs or frozen pizza are my best friend because I don’t have to fight the kids to get them to eat their food. I will always have a few close friends with whom I can be totally honest without them judging me or my family. I will also be comforted in knowing there are people like all of you out there who understand these struggles completely, therefore, I am not alone. Thank you.
Corine says
Was single, had the money but was miserable.
clare says
I wish you would. I was under the impression that you guys with large families were just better mothers than I am (which is probably true anyway!). Seriously – I look at you guys and i think “I’ll never be good enough to have a large family like that.” If you did share your struggles and worries it would make large families more real for those who just view you with awe and wonder like I do!
Julia Fetters says
Not wanting to rain on the parade here, so now it will seem as though I am. This was an honest article and well put. The things you described are found in the homes of those with 1 to 25 children.
I have a long comment to make and hope it comes out with the love and concern that is in my heart. I am 50 something and have been around the block. you name the movement within homeschooling/quiver-full/etc… it has touched our shoulders. Thankfully some have only brushed us. Some we have watched from the outside with such sadness. Some we have stood in the middle of.
Those with large families (larger than 6) make it seem so very spiritual and like as though it is THE way to have a family. Two children don’t even count or mean you are just getting warmed up. And add to that, it seems like a race. 4 children 3 and under. 7 children 9 and under. Is there a special badge I did not learn of that says you did this in record time? My precious Mother in Love had her 9 in 18 years – seems like a good rate to me. Not to be camped on, but a good rate.
What about the Dad that thinks he is God’s stud service not caring enough for his wife that even if her very life is in danger (this is more common than we want to know), onward ho – let’s have another child. Usually those with such large families choose to home school (and that usually exclusively rather than find the help of a 3 day school or they just cannot afford the tuition…) so it sets forth a ‘bubble’ for Mom that will catch up – often.
We cannot lose ourselves in bearing children. It is not God’s way. If this is sincerely what you want to do – go for it. Your halo will shine no brighter than mine (5 children almost exclusively homes schooled – but did I need to say that?) or Elizabeth Elliot’s or Dr. Randy Carlson’s or Ravi Zacharias and his wife or the godly family down the road with 3 kiddos… I have a friend with 14 children who said she would not even listen to Intentional Living (Dr. Randy Carlson) since he only has 2? kids. He knows nothing she said. Whoa. Can you see the other side of the coin now?
Am I bitter? Not to my knowledge. I have seen the overwhelmed Momma’s flip out and just leave. For good. Please, continue on, with enthusiasm but not without wisdom. Shift your paradigm to the reality that this is not THE right way. God is bigger than this box. I LOVE large families that are void of the pride baggage of ‘the large family’. Just be. In His kingdom. Be His. not a movement. Been there. Done that.
Dad, your wife is a person. The person you loved and married. Let her be that person. She is not superhuman by virtue of the fact that she is created a woman. She needs sleep. Work it out somehow but she. needs. sleep. I think some men think God wired a woman so she does not need sleep. Ask the kiddos that one! She can be a bear when you are not home – and to you, too! PTSD comes from not enough sleep. Your wife is no different. period.
Do not put on her more than she can handle and when you see cracks in the wall – alleviate the pressure pronto! Just like you would if you saw that your car radiator was going to blow. Gently but insistently relieve the pressure. Ideas: sewing classes, 1 night out and one afternoon off a week, dates, tell her you are done having children or are going to take a break for a while, take the children to the park or enlist some nice girls from your church to do so – this way Mom gets to enjoy her precious home- alone. Just sit. Listen to the quiet.
Dad- This is a fallen world. Don’t think you lack faith. Go to God in your weakness and tell Him “I do not know the answer but enough is enough – what would You suggest?” Or keep having children but safeguard your home and family by remembering that your wife is a person and she has needs to be met and even (I hate to say this!)…desires! Not just needs. Desires. Watercolor painting, floral design, mini marathons, computer programming… Dad, love her. Whatever that looks like in your home.
She will not tell you she needs time alone or that she deeply wants to learn to swim or knit. Ask her.
She thinks this is hers to bear and she is failing if she does not ‘hold up’ under all of it. Hogwash. Love her. You helped create these precious ones. Enlist the help of others or do it yourself. Don’t be a Christian dead beat Dad – put safeguards into place. She needs you and you will be happy you loved her.
Julia Fetters says
I need to add that I know personally one family where she left when she thought she found someone who loves her unconditionally and never came back and of one family where she left but came back and put the children in school to let out the pressure. It is so sad that it had to come to these extremes.
Rachael says
Thank you, THANK YOU for this honest post!! I have struggled this week so much with this. This was so encouraging!! I have four children & I don’t think it’s large. I came from a family with 7 children & didn’t think that was large either, lol.
Leah says
Thank you for sharing this. I’ve struggled so much to handle our 3 little ones (ages 5,3, and 2) and I’ve always read blog like yours and thought, “these women must just know how to better raise children then I do.” It’s good to know that we all struggle, big or small family. And I agree with what someone said below, I hated to share struggles about homeschooling as well because it’s easy for people to just say, “send them to school” or “you’re the one choosing this.” I think overall it’s resting in Christ’s abilities to work through us instead of us trying to literally “do it all!”
Linda Hogeland says
Good post Amy…
Great picture!
Merry Christmas!
Linda Hogeland
Corinna@Onesmithday says
Great post, Amy. Thank you for sharing!
Renee says
Mom of 9 here….everything you said is so true. Thanks for being honest!
Peggy says
We only have 5-all boys. I love being somewhere and saying I only have 5. We have been homeschooling for 25 years now. I wouldn’t trade it for the world Our family is close. We help each other. My boys all worked hard when I had an accident and was in a coma earlier in the year, and then they found the cancer. But those boys took over the cooking and cleaning and taking care of a non verbal brother with autism, and taking me to doctors appts, waiting for news of whether I was going to live or die and lifting up their dad to help him in his time of need waiting to hear about me. I love that they could step in because they were brought up in the Lord and shown how to sacrifice and help others. The older kids that graduated even stepped in to help their two younger brothers with homeschooling. I love those children and my husband. Stay proud in all the blessings that God has chosen for you. You are all great!
CrysTAL l says
I completely can relate with just my four little ones. There is an expectation that you must have super powers to have more than 3 kids, homeschool and serve at church. I feel anxious when others compliment me saying how patient I must be and that they could never do what I do everyday. I get nervous and feel anxiety when other mamas notice good in me, feeling like if they saw me all the time that they would stumble because I am not perfect. I worry that they put me on a pedestal of how to act and behave in a way that puts them at risk of losing sight of Jesus.
nichole says
thank you so much for this bit. I’m a mother of 7 and you’ve hit the nail on the head! I think sometimes people think that just because something is difficult it should not be done, or it is a negative thing.
Robin says
Amen!
Devra says
Well, I get where you are coming from and can offer my understanding to some degree.
But I really can’t say I agree with your sweeping statement that moms of large families won’t tell you how it really is. In fact, going paragraph by paragraph, I can pretty much give you active examples of how I (and quite a few of my fellow local large family moms) are the complete opposite of the picture you represent.
Not in that we have it all together, because we don’t. No mom really does. But that we won’t talk about it – not true. We talk about our issues regarding kids and family at most home school field trips and whenever we get together. It’s part of our mental health and a way to source solutions.
As overwhelming as being a mom of going on six 10 years and younger can be, I have never wanted to hide or escape being a mom. But I also know I am blessed with a super supportive husband who is actively involved in wrangling our brood. He is the one I turn to for my emotional support when I need to cry or vent about my frustrations failing as a mom. And he’s the one who sends me on solo shopping trips if I just need to get away for a little bit. He’s even offered to send me to an overnight at a local hotel just so I can sleep for a whole night uninterrupted! But I never take him up on that because, in the long run, I don’t want to leave the family. I love being around them. And learning how to get them to behave to accommodate my needs is part of them learning to become discerning and considerate people.
Being a mom is challenging period. And some of us might seem more cut out for it than others – but I think that’s in large part to our relationship with God and our support. I have never been the most patient person, but I am learning. And the kids are part of that learning that is bringing me closer to the Will of the Father for my life. And I thank Him daily for it.
So if someone asks me what it’s like to be in a big family? I say, “It’s not for everyone. But we love it!” Because that’s true. And if they want details, I have plenty of anecdotes to share, both good and “bad”. But I never try to paint a picture of something unrealistic for them because, in the end, I don’t care how they feel about my life choices. That’s between me and God.
Amy says
Amen! I only have five so far and this is the hardest season of my life! I was just telling my husband how I can’t talk about how my every day is such a struggle. Thank you!
Alane Wiegman says
Spot on! My thoughts reflected very accurately…. Thank you for helping me feel not-so-alone in these things. It is God who makes any of our lives worthwhile, with our without our expertise (mostly without here! lol). It is He alone who brings beauty out of my ashes and splendor out of our large-family chaos. I am banking on this. I have no other choice. Thanks for writing this.
rmurphree@frionaisd.com says
I am a mom of 6 who home-schooled for 18 years before going back to work myself to help with college expenses. I wouldn’t trade those years for anything, and have some sadness that my youngest did not get to stay home as long as he or I would have liked. But the Lord has showered His grace upon both of us in that respect. My husband and I know the feeling of being misunderstood both for home schooling and for having a large family. But oh the blessings of both! Yes, some days are more difficult than others, but that is the case for anyone. You stated that you know that, but you feel that mom’s with smaller families seem to have more freedom to express their frustrations. That may be the case in this world today. I’m not suggesting you put on a front and pretend your life never has any bumps. But I would suggest that you voice those frustrations to those who will be encouraged by your honesty and not those who don’t understand why you would even put yourself in that situation. This blog is great, as mom’s who need encouragement can come and receive from you. You have a place to express your feelings freely without feeling you are misunderstood. Maybe my lack of expression to others concerning the frustrations that come from running a large household, mothering multiple blessings, and schooling on top of everything else, gave me a “false” look of always having it together, but I learned that that very special friend who will let me vent and not condemn is priceless. When I could tell her “all”, I didn’t feel I needed to express those feelings to the world. God bless you and your husband for raising those precious blessings in the fear of the Lord. “Children are a gift from God, and blessed is the man who has his quiver full.” Psalm 127:5
Ramica Branham says
I only have 3 children and I really do not believe my nerves or our budget could handle more. I love my munchkins very much though and would love to adopt in the future (God willing the larger space and increased finances).,God bless all of you mother’s of large families I do envy your faith and courage. I pray to gain more of both in the future.
Cam says
I love this! This is so true! We announced #6 last month and it was hilarious how many times we were asked when we are going to stop. You would think I was doing drugs Lol! I just watched a message by Voddie Baucham where he said to our society children are a blight and a burden. And they get in the way of our ability to consume and enjoy that’s why people hate children and don’t believe in fruitful multiplication of families. It’s truly a sad thing but in a few years they will be in awe of the works of God in our home! I know I’m blessed to have my children. We have to pray for them especially the believers who think this way.
Jessica says
Dear golly!!! I have three and I get looked at cross eyed for having that many. It’s really sad that people look down on large families anymore. Never mind parenting isn’t easy with 1 or 8 the shame that people like to place on others for the way they want to “do life” is hard, especially when it comes from your own family. I applaud you, because I do just about everyone of the items you talk about and I only have 3. My oldest is 4 almost 5 and my husband wants me to homeschool, I am resisting it as much as I can, and deep down I feel powerless to tell him no. This life we chose, but we love this life it’s a weird place to be.
Kathleen says
Your article brought tears to my eyes! This is a real eye opener for the struggles that my own beloved mother must have dealt with daily, throughout the years. She raised 8 children while my dad worked. I am the youngest and she went back to work after I started elementary school. All of my siblings talk about how spoiled I was. All I know is, she is the best mom ever! Our family was far from perfect, but my mom and dad made each of us feel special and loved! They were just good, hard working people who were open to the miracle of life. I am so thankful everyday for my mom (and dad)! LARGE FAMILIES ROCK!!!!!!!
Cheryl says
Large family or small, living life as gracefully as possible is the key. God only blessed us with 3 live births who are now adults but when they were 8, 5, and 3 I remember younger moms constantly complaining about how hard it was to have a newborn and two others 5 and younger. They would say ‘you just don’t understand’. Well, do the math, I understood but chose to deal with the trials with grace even if it wasn’t always that way at home, And when I lost yet another baby in pregnancy #5 I was appalled when a close friend said, ‘well, you really are better off with only three anyway.’
robyn says
I have 2 amazing children and have always dreamed of having a large family. We talk about having more and dream of adoption as well. But I do want it to be God’s plan and not just my own so I’m learning how to be content where I am with the blessings I have! I’m one of 4 children. My mom is one of 8 and my grandfather was one of 14. Each child is a blessing and deserves to be celebrated! Please know not everyone would react negatively to hearing how it really is to parent a large family. In fact, I feel similarly with only 2 small kiddos and it’s reassuring to know that A.) it’s not me B.) it’s not my children C.) parenting well and intentionally is difficult and joyful often at the same time.
Congratulations to all you ladies carrying/adopting your next child whatever their # may be!
Pat morse says
People will always judge, whether you have too many kids, no kids, career, stay at home. Any time you make a choice that someone disagrees with (or envies), they will judge and can make hurtful comments. But its the same as falling in love, if you are not willing to be hurt, it won’t ever happen. If you aren’t willing to share your struggles, you won’t find people who might have a suggestion that will help, can offer to lend a hand, empathize, or learn something from your struggle (like you aren’t perfect and they don’t have to be either.) I love reading about your family and my prayers are with you. Merry Christmas!
SARAH says
Excellent excellent article. I often thought that large families were really incredible with super organized moms. But as our family had grown to 4 children now, I see that it’s done, one child at a,time…. large families grow one child at a time (usually!) You learn bit by bit how to survive, manage and thrive. And large family moms are just like any other mom- they struggle too! Thank you for sharing!
Elizabeth Meyers says
As a mom of 8 also, I feel pretty much the same way. Nobody really “gets” us. It’s so hard to share openly when we are so different from our friends and family and so quickly criticized and condemned. I’m thankful this connection through the internet helps me not feel as alone as I do in my “real” life.
Rose says
I thought for sure you were going to say, “because we’d be bragging.” Yes, I am tired all the time, and I have no leeway to be anything other than strict in a way that often feels mean, and I cry, and I kick things. But also, I am powerful as heck. I have learned to be strong-willed, disciplined, efficient, and effective. I am also having a ton of fun. I have learned to be in the moment, go with the flow, love the ones I’m with, and have a peace that comes supernaturally and outside of my own understanding. This is hard, and we’re doing it. I don’t feel like I can say either of those things to anyone besides other large family moms.
Sharon A Reed says
I’m do delighted I found your site today. I thank you for your honesty and your guideance. I work from home and I homeschool a 6 year old and we were struggling with trying to do it all. We hope to have more children, and your resources will help me to prepare for a larger family. Because sometimes I wonder if I am just staying afloat now with one, work, dog, house, myself and a husband, how can I balance our life with additional children. Thanks again. God bless you and your beautiful family.
Ben says
Great article. I agree that this is a natural response. But this is the natural response for anyone in any situation. I think us with large families that believe in the gospel owe it to the world to be honest so that they see it is not us or are large families that can save us or anyone but only Christ.
Diana says
What a great post! I fully agree! I have 8 kids in a quick gap and homeschool to boot and I have actually paid more attention to my apperance(grooming, not being vain) ECt since the brood starting getting last about 5 since I get all sorts of comments(we also live in manhattan so another anomaly…).
Being a mom is hard work no matter how many kids you have. But it’s amazing what happens when you think you are at your limit and then god blesses you to have increased capacity. When I had my first baby, I cried when I came home from the store (after a meltdown from my baby) and said I could never go to the store again- and I truly thought that it was the hardest thing! Now I will fly on an 8 hour flight with them all. And I tell you that no matter how many kids you have, if one of them is between 14- months and 3, they will be all over in to everything. But it’s rough when people feel like they need to tell you that you don’t have to keep having 14 month- 3 year olds.
Again, a gray uplifting post. Sometimes I get prideful that I can do it all and then god humbles me and shows me that can do all things through him and him alone.
Keep up the great posts!
Malissa says
As a mom of 9, I heartily agree!
Sarah says
Thank you
Sue says
We, too, have a large family. You hit the nail on the head with this post. Congratulations! Keep up the good work and know that there are others out here who are your cheerleading section in this game of life! My youngest is on a mission for our church and we have two others who are not married. Oh, by the way, we have a baker’s dozen…what a great and wonderful blessing they are in our life. We thank God every day for each one of them
Riche says
Your article is so true and so how I feel often and I get frustrated because others tell me I need to be more open and relational, but it drives me nuts others trying to “fix” me or judge me, or as you said judge me and tell me how simpler things would be if I had a smaller family. But like you I feel blessed, blessed God entrusted me to raise my 7 kiddos with my husband. I couldn’t imagine life without any of them, yet though we have our moments of chaos we have so many moments of joy and it’s just a matter of where I choose to focus.
Erick says
My wife sent me this out of the blue. Thank you for sharing your words and your heart and in doing so helping other moms with the same feelings share as well.
Cheryl says
Wow yeah! I and my husband came from a family of four and both thought we would have about 4… Well we just found out number 6 is on the way. Still floors me when I think about it so I can’t be too harsh on those around me that think and tell us how crazy we are. We were even sharing some marital struggles (normal to any mirage) we were having with one of the elders at our church, when he made a “joking” comment about having so many small kids “but you have figured out how THAT happens,right?”. Never lost so much respect for someone by one statement before. So now not only do we need to hide our mom struggles, and not be allowed to be excited and share with other the joy of having another baby, but now can’t even share and get council about marriage and it’s struggles?
I’m really not sure where we as a family fit enough to share our struggles, we have “too many” kids to be main stream, we don’t homeschool so we don’t fit there (tho I think about it from time to time but my school age boys are fluirishing at a small Christian school) *see I had to justify why I don’t homeschool, we are just getting to the point of imbrasing where God has put us (yes we are slow, we just been treading water and trying to survive for so long) so we don’t even fit into the ” God called us to be big family” group ether (or yet). Not that we need to necessarily, but it would be nice to have a safe place for advice, encouragement, support. Most people know being a wife for more then a few years can get trying at times, then being a mom is hard work, and having a bunch of small ones with no sleep and lots of hormones is near impossible…we are not good islands. I guess I say all that to say good article and hope it reminds people of all “norms”; to love and consider the “other” kinds of people in our lives might need some encouragement too.
Wendy says
Mom of 7 here. You are speaking for me as well. Just had our 7th and starting to feel more than ever people(even friends and family) are starting to back away from us. Wish all of us large families lived close so we could get together, that would be so nice.
Shane winters says
Thank u. Thank u. Thank u.
amyg says
Best post ever!!! From a mom of 13….fist bump , sister who I wish I knew in real life!!
Freida says
Exactly!!!!!!! B
Pamela says
Yes, I don’t want to hear how I should of stopped at two. A little unfair how the mom of two gets to vent, has twice as much help, and no one judges her.
Mandi says
Thank you for writing this! I can so relate to everything you wrote. Where I live the families are 3or4 kids so I usually feel like the odd mom out?
I needed to feel like someone understands.
Rebecca says
I totally get what you’re saying. I homeschool and am expecting my 4th. No one has really said much YET to me, but I’ll tell you what is hard. Life is getting harder for me. Yes, children are a joy and I’m thankful for them, but I want to hear the hardships moms with larger families face. Like making 7-9 lunches for a simple outing when I can’t stand making 3. Like getting a bunch of little people ready for bed. Like picking up after more and more of them. I just feel like if moms of large families are more open to be real with moms who want more kids, more moms would want more kids. I have a good friend who has 11 children and she seems totally perfect from the outside. I have NEVER seen her rude to her kids or lose it because she had to say the same thing to 4-5 children. That leaves me feeling I must not be capable to raise that many because she has the personality and grace and patience for them. She never complains to me & I have known her for 12 years. Maybe I’m not cut out for this because I have only 3 right now and can’t stand the chaos. I’m literally at a point in my life when sometimes I don’t want anymore kids. And I promised myself I would never say that. I want to be able to keep going, so I need moms with lots of kids to be real with me. I need to know the tools in their toolbox, you know? So, let me encourage you to find moms who are interested in big families and just need a little nudge in a practical and real way. And I know this blog does that, and many others, so thank you. I’m just saying, don’t be afraid to be real.
Pam De Maagd says
So true!! I am blessed to have seven fabulous children.
Michelle b says
There is a parody song on YouTube called “we can stop having babies.” I found it when I was having number 4 and have rewatched over and over while pregnant with #5 and now #6. It really helps me block out the negative vibes I get about large families.
I have found the more matter of fact and bold (in love) about your family size choice you are the less likely people are to talk smack.
Although I totally understand and get the whole don’t present the whole picture in public thing, because I do it all the time and for the exact reasons mentioned above!!! And yes most of those reasons can be used about not complaining or presenting the truth about homeschooling! The mom of 2 and the professional teacher can feel free to complain and have bad days, but we get the you brought it on yourself look. Grrr
Worthypursuits says
I only have 6, but I identify completely with these.
Beth says
Thank you for this.. An illness I finally have (mostly) recovered from has me needing more help than ever…and now, number 8 may be on the way… I’m dreading this announcement more than the others.. Why not stop?! Just tell him No!! And all other kinds of misinformed responses await me… why would I intentionally solicit them.. Other Big family mom’s understand… we love them, but its…hard.. worth it yeah,yeah,yeah… but sometimes.. it’s really hard.. I’m sorry it’s hard for you..I’m sorry it’s hard for me… it’s stinks… We’ll grow, we’ll be refined..etc.. but for now.. it’s hard..and I’m glad we’re not alone… just knowing that makes it easier.. And I always tell my my kids, u can be mad at someone and still love them… We can be frustrated with our situation, and still adore ur kids.. thanks again..
Mrs Jackson says
I already read your book and got a few pointers. I loved it. This post is so true. I especially do not want people to know that I am so sick with morning sickness because I think they will judge me and they will think I am just so stupid to get pregnant again when I already have 6 kids. Just now I went to the grocery store and I was so sick and had four in tow because the two teens who can tend them are not available today. I have morning sickness so bad but I don’t show yet, so people probably wondered why I did not work harder and why I looked like such a lazy person at the store. I definitely do not want them to know I have morning sickness and feel like I am going to throw up while I try to control the kids and shop with no energy and looking like I am about to die,
Mrs Jackson says
I read your book and loved it so I came to check out your blog. I loved this post so made a link to it in my post which is commnetary on your post.
https://lisajacksondesign.wordpress.com/2017/05/19/3099/
Kate says
I just googled “lonely large family mom” and this article came up. You have summed up my feelings so succinctly. I have no one around here in a similar situation (10 kids, homeschooled) and I was just feeling like maybe there are other mothers who feel like I do sometimes. I’m so glad you posted this. I hope your good days outnumber your bads and that when you need it, you have someone in your life who will validate your struggles! Thanks!!
Donna says
Thank you for putting into writing exactly how I feel! As a mom of 8, I never really articulated how I felt, but it was so refreshing to see your post and know I’m not alone! God bless!
Buffie says
I am a single mom of 6 littles, all under the age of 9. I want to continue homeschooling but I am having problem finding any resources for single parent homeschooling for large families. Do you have any suggestions?
Amy says
Look for info from LaToya Edwards and Kim Sorgius. They are both single homeschooling moms. 🙂
Chantelle says
Pregnant with my 5th child. Thank you so much for your candor. It is all so true for myself as well. We need brave mom’s like you to help us rally around one another. Praying all the best for your family.
Josephine Simpson says
We are expecting our tenth child under 13. Thanks for such an honest depiction of how we feel. It’s sometimes so exhausting to go out in public whilst trying to keep up appearances of energy and clean faces…. All because people out in the world are ready to pounce with their judgements. We are a very happy family and quite honestly I’m so glad we don’t ‘fit in’ to the world’s standard of what’s normal. Life giving love equates to a happiness like no other! May God bless you and your beautiful family. X
Corine says
Hey!
I have 5 kids and after #3 people started frowning at us. I can’t describe how weird it is to hear such negative and flat out rude comments about something as beautiful as bringing a new life into the world, doing exactly what the Lord as willed.
Heck! Motherhood is tough! Getting the job done proves God is always right. So hang on sisters!
Stephanie says
We are a family of 9 (7 kids 2 adults and TTC)
I never ever tell anyone if I have a bad day. Or why. Because of the “Well if you had just gotten your tubes tied” or the “Well you had all those kids, you deal with it”
I can’t. I put a smile on my face. My kids nose on the wall (we do this too and you would swear I murdered my kid) and keep moving.
Sometimes it’s just I can’t find any of the 900 pair of socks around here! Sometimes it’s my 4 oldest want to bicker for 5 straight hours!
I’m lucky in that my husband is there to lean on. That he literally take on 50% of everything in the house and kids. He will get off work, take a shower, cook dinner, settle arguments, put our 3 toddlers to bed. And come tuck me in too.
Julie says
This is beautiful. Pregnant with number 8 and you read my heart.
Babychaser says
I remember reading this when it was new, but I really needed it tonight. I was searching for something to help with my “I have no idea what I’m doing with all these kids” feeling. But from what you are saying here, it sounds like I’m not the only one to have these days where I feel like I’m outnumbered and losing ground. Thanks for all you share here.
Amy says
Honestly, I think even moms with 1 or 2 kids have days where they are pretty sure they are outnumbered. It’s a lot of work raising children, but so worth it!
Michelle Garrison says
These are so true! Thank you for sharing!
Raia Todd says
Aaaamen.
Lois M Loar says
SO TRUE!! And so grateful for that friend who I could be REAL with, who loved my kids like her own. Who knew when to make me laugh, when to hug me, when to pray for me, and when to bring me up short and correct my less than godly thinking. I wish every large family mom a sister-friend like her. (I am mom to 12, now adults, and grandma to 23….so far.
C. Rodgers says
Unfortunately, a number of the Moms, Aunts and Grandmas who bemoan those who have more than 2 wouldn’t be here if their Grand or Great Grandmother had stopped at 2 children. They have forgotten so quickly what others gave for them to exist. We have 6 and the last woman in my family on either side to have 6 were great-grandmothers. I’m so thankful they did!
Amy says
Very true!
MIDON says
Amy, Thank you! I know this post is older, and I’ve been following you a long time…but you said exactly what i feel at times!! There are very fe people I can be completely honest about, because if these things. Thank you for putting it into words. Love you and your ministry!
– Midon (momma to 6 beautiful blessing earthside)
Amy says
Thank you so much, Midon!
Tina says
This made me chuckle bc it’s so true!! I’m pregnant with #5 and already feel heat from others. Ty for this.
Flannery J Salkeld says
Yes, this is so true; thank you! We have seven (13 to 7 months) and I’m really struggling!
Roslyn Williams says
This encouraged me SO, SO, SO much! You have no idea. Thank you!
Amy says
You are so welcome!