Half of my 6 children are boys, and there’s a good chance this new little one is also a boy, so I feel fairly qualified to speak to the subject of nurturing a mother-son relationship.
I say “fairly” because let’s face it ladies…we’re women, they are young men…they will always be somewhat of an enigma to us! But just because we don’t always “get” how cool a dead snake or spent shotgun shells really are is no reason not to connect with our boys and nurture a relationship with them that will last a lifetime.
Here are just a few key ingredients I see in maintaining a relationship with your sons:
*They are different. It’s okay. Just because you don’t see the merit in jumping out of trees or running headlong as fast as you can into walls doesn’t mean the crazy stuff they do is deserving of you griping at them all day long. Boys do things because they want to push the envelope, they want to see how far their God-given bodies can go, they want to conquer something, anything…even trees and walls. The key here is to channel that energy. Which brings me to my next point.
*Channel the energy. Take their differences that are sometimes expressed in inappropriate ways and give them outlets that are more appropriate. To simply tell them, “Don’t do that,” isn’t good enough for boys. They’ll just move on to the next inappropriate activity. Take what isn’t working for your household and turn it into something useful and then praise the tar out of them! For instance, I have a son who really likes to dig big muddy holes in the yard. That is not okay, unless he digs in the garden where I need the ground tilled up anyway. More than once I’ve used a suggestion from a prominent Christian speaker on moving the woodpile from one spot to another to expend energy in a good and useful way (even if I didn’t need the woodpile moved!) Read here for ways to incorporate these ideas when you live in the city.
*Not all boys are rowdy. That’s okay too. I know there are a few of you looking at my first two points and thinking, “I wish my boys WOULD act like that, but they don’t and I’m worried.” Perhaps you have an academic or a chef or a musician living in your home. Perhaps he’s never been the wild and crazy climb-the-walls type. Don’t worry about him. Let him be him. There is still something quite manly about conquering a certain recipe and adding his own flair to it, especially if it involves fire! With the more sensitive boys, your job might be more centered around encouraging them to push the limits of their passion, test new ways of doing things, and reach beyond the known limits, all the while cheering them along in their accomplishments!
*There will come a day when they will try to dominate you. Be ready and understanding. I am forever grateful to an older mom who told me of her own struggles with her son long before I had a son old enough to try dominating me. I was ready when the day came. It started with a look of disdain, then moved to a sassy comment meant to put me in my place. I saw it for what it was and was able to reroute what my son was feeling.
There comes a time when boys grow into men and they know within them they are supposed to be in charge. They decide mom falls in the category of those that must be ruled and they set out to be older and more knowledgeable than mom. When you see this domination rearing its not so pleasant head, recognize it for what it is and begin to offer your son more responsibilities as long as he remains respectful toward you and his sisters. He is training to be the head of his household and must be given chances to practice what that looks like while learning how to remain kind and generous. Don’t force him to stay a little boy. That is unfair and unkind.
*At the end of the day, he’s still your little boy. I know I just said not to force him to remain a little boy, but he will always be your son and there will always be a part of him that still wants to be loved just because he is yours. He still needs a hug. He still needs to hear you love him. He still needs to know that he is safe here at home no matter what peak he summitted or ocean he swam during the day. He needs to know you think he is cool and funny and smart. He needs to trust that all his adventures are of genuine interest to you. Love him for who God made him to be. Love him because God entrusted him to you.
There is just something different about raising little boys as opposed to raising little girls. From the moment my little boys wake up to the moment they go to bed exhausted, they have done nothing but wrestle, run, and romp. They are noisy. They are rambunctious. I am forever telling them to stop standing on the furniture. There is no such thing as quiet play…not with a cowboy and a pretend dog in the house! Add to that the 12 year old who has taken to hollering, “Blake is so awesome!” every chance he gets while monologuing about all sorts of other things while no one is really listening. There is a background hum to my day that didn’t used to be there.
Yet, I look at them and my heart smiles. Yes, they are so very different from my girls. Yes, they keep me hopping. But, they are such neat little individuals! My oldest is a talker, but because of that we end up having some great conversations. My 4 year old spends his days in cowboy hats and boots with spurs. He doesn’t care a lick what others think of him. He’s as daring and courageous as his name suggests: “Ancient & Enduring Protector.” My little 19 month old is a hoot. Everyone should have a toddler! He’s a copycat to the hilt, yet he also has all sorts of ideas of his own.
My Buddy & Me!
The best thing about all this is the fact that God gave these little guys to me. He chose them just for our family. They are best buddies, and if this new baby happens to be yet another little boy, I know he’ll be blessed by the camaraderie of his older brothers. Yes, I may need earplugs to survive the next 18 years or so, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world!
abba12 says
“*There will come a day when they will try to dominate you. Be ready and understanding.” this point particularly concerns me, I feel like I can handle the rest of raising boys, but this bit makes me very nervous, especially as I’ve seen how this can go haywire and terribly wrong in other families.
I wonder if you’d consider doing a post on this topic more indepth.
Amy says
I’m in the thick of it right now, but would be glad to try to tackle it. I *think* we are doing well with handling it. 😉
Amy says
Oh, this post cracked me up! I had three boys in a row, so I didn’t know anything but boys until my 4th came along. I thought they were normal!!! And we thought she was abnormal: quiet, thoughtful, liked to sit still and color. When she asked me how to teach her write her name without me making her sit still and practice, we were sure she was a genius! Ilove how God made them so different and we are so blessed to have both boys and girl in our house!
Laurel says
Wow! I really needed to hear this. I have one son so far and four daughters. The difference between them is night and day. Thank you for this encouraging post.
Clara says
I am SO thankful to find someone who writes posts about boys. There are so many websites and blogs dedicated to helping mothers raise their daughters (which in some ways seems odd – we were little girls and we know how to relate to females; why do we need so many weblogs about it??)… and so few about mothers and sons. I will soak in all the posts you can possibly write about mothers and sons, raising sons etc. I grew up in a family of only girls… boys are more than an enigma to me, they just plain confused me!!!! I so appreciated this post!
Amy says
You are welcome, Clara! It is such a tough subject to write on simply because we are women and they are young men. I’ll bounce some ideas off my husband and see if I can come up w/ see what I can offer here. In the meantime, check out this site:
http://www.themobsociety.com/
Clara says
Thank you Amy – I’ll check it out… And I’ll look forward to any more posts you write on this subject! 🙂 God bless!
Tracy @ Hall of Fame Moms says
I haven’t heard much of the point that boys will try to dominate their moms and the connection to their leadership role someday. I appreciated reading about that insight. Thanks for sharing 😉 *I have 2 little boys of my own!
Susan says
I have only one boy so far and I am loving it. After 6 girls it has been very different but i think our home needed different. He is almost 2 and I feel like I have seen the difference in him since day one. It has been amazing and exciting and I look forward to him growing into a young man.
Grace Wheeler says
Great post Amy! So encouraging to me! Do you think there a general age when you might start to see that “dominate” side of them come out?
Amy says
We started seeing it around the age of 12, and my friend who alerted me to it would probably say about the same age, possibly just a little bit older.
Renee Harris says
Amy,
I have 6 boys and 1 girl (and, like you, I think this next one is also a boy) and I can totally relate to what you’re saying. Every now and then I see the male dominant trait that you describe coming out loud and clear with my oldest (age 12) and it’s such a delicate walk. I correct him if he’s disrespectful and that usually does it. If another slip of the tongue occurs (sarcasm or giving the impression that he knows more than mom), I quietly get dad to step in. But thankfully those days are extremely rare and we have a fantastic relationship. His (and my) favorite line lately is “hug available?” and he gives me the best bear hug. Of all my sons he’s the one least likely to show affection like that (he’s more likely to give gifts) but I love that he’s generous with his affection with his parents. I attribute that to the amount of time our family spends together.
Amy says
Yes! I have to continually remind myself to love on this huge “little” boy because they really do need that. And I’ve also had to have dad step in a few times as well. I will definitely have to pick your brain about all these little guys b/c you are WAY more qualified to speak to the subject than I am!
Renee Harris says
It’s definitely a fun learning experience and I can’t wait ’til they’re six feet tall and carrying all the heavy stuff, running my errands, and teasing their ‘ol mama 🙂
I hope you’ll write on the girl experience, too; my only daughter (a twin) is 8 and I totally wonder what’s in store for me.
Renee
Taryn says
I have three sons(married now-it’s a joy to watch them with their little daughters), two daughters then another son(our last year of homeschooling). Good post. Wish I had more children!
Andrea W says
Great post Amy! I have 6 boys so far and can totally relate to everything you mentioned! I have seriously considered in the past sending them outside to move the woodpile..for no good reason other than expend some energy!! LOL! I wish we had a farm or more land..but we live in the middle of town.
~andee
Amy says
I hear ya on wishing you lived out of the city! Takes a lot of creativity to come up with energy expenders in the city.
Abigail says
This is a good post for older sisters too!:)
Christy says
So true! I only have boys, five of them ages 6mos to 16yrs. I was an only child and introverted, so boys really surprised me. Now most of their behavior is to be expected, although they do throw in some “what were you thinking?!” moments from time to time. The biggest adjustment has been the teenage stage. My oldest and I argued a lot for almost a year until I accepted the stage and learned how to respond. We have a soccer goal and a climbing playset but now I think we need a woodpile (even though we don’t have a fireplace). 🙂
Taryn says
You spoke right to my heart:) I’m the mom of 5 sons….my oldest is almost 11 and my youngest is almost 1…I have an 8yr old, a 5 yr old and a 3 yr old thrown in. My days are LOUD…but my heart is full…I can’t imagine it any other way:)
Mama Mirage says
My boy just turned 2. He loves to pick up ants and dig in the trash. And sit on his sister until she squeals and begs me to save her. And yet strangely not knowing anything about boys and how active he is compared to his sister doesn’t scare me nearly as much as my daughter because she’s SO MUCH like me and I know exactly what a rough road could be in store for me with her! Maybe this has something to do with the fact that my mom was very sick for a large portion of my childhood and I raised my siblings more than she was able to during certain times in their lives. When my brother was under 5 and then again when he was about 9 on up I had more involvement in his raising than my parents. My sister was 2 years older than him- 3 years younger than myself. And she was heartbreakingly awful and rebellious and hateful for a very long time, hurting alot of people and winding up pregnant and running all over the country with a guy she just met while pregnant and then eloped with. I always felt responsible because of how much stake I had in raising her. But my brother and I have always had a great relationship and he is grown into a man any mother (or big sister) would be so proud of! So somehow, I guess because of my experience with helping to raise my siblings, I never even thought of the possibility of challenges raising a boy! I have been too busy pondering how to handle certain unfavorable things I see sprouting in my daughter already. It’s good to see this and stop and realize that boys don’t raise themselves and I need to make sure to not just assume that there won’t be challenges with my son. Wish as I might that I could just love them to maturity, love is only the main ingredient and doesn’t make the whole cake.
Alice says
Another wonderfully wise post for me to drink in – thank you! 🙂 I have five sons (well, the 5th is due in December) and no daughters, so it seems like I should “know” boys, but the eldest is only 5 and honestly I am STILL trying to figure it out! 😉 It’s so helpful to read tips and wise advice from more experienced mothers!
I especially needed to hear that “don’t do that” does not work with boys, because I say that repeatedly all day long and it’s good to know that I need to change that (because it really isn’t working!)! 😉
Jennifer says
Wow! I guess I’m not the only one with boys. I’m having my fourth child soon–third boy. I wonder if God is trying to revive Christian males to be heads of the home? Anyway, I, too, would be interested in knowing how to watch for the dominating and what exactly is involved. Also, how to deal with a 5yo that is so “physical”, he drives everyone nuts?
Amy says
Those are great ideas for blog posts, Jennifer! (and a rather insightful thought on why God might be blessing so many of us w/ large numbers of boys! Although, I know plenty of mamas w/ lots of girls too!) Let me do some thinking and praying on your questions and I’ll try to answer them or at least offer some suggestions in upcoming posts. 🙂
Gary says
Not a mom here. GrandPop, in fact. Am writing a book (and, of course, a new blog, http://www.gendads.com) to encourage fathers to share and bolster the diminishing role of fathers, principally with their own fathers and FIL’s.
I caught your note which is a theme in my book-to-be. Per my 7yold G-daughter, in responding to “Would you be a Christian if you were born in another family?” she said, “But I was borned here because God wanted me in here”. Bingo, a young sovereigntist! So, parents, grandparents, they were “borned” here for His purpose. Whatcha gonna do about it?!
(PS: You’re 4-year old is my favorite, speaking as a fellow boot, hat, and spurs lover.)
Kate says
This makes me think of a friend, whose son began to mouth off to her around age 9. I don’t think she saw it the way you put it, and I would never have seen it if you hadn’t said it. My son is too young yet (13 months) but now I “know” to expect it when he’s older!
My children, too, are night and day different. Although my son is a very sensitive one. I’ve tried to evaluate each child individually so I can meet their needs, but honestly have been a bit worried about properly raising a son. I know men have responsibilities I just don’t get, not being a man, and I want my son to be adequately prepared. And as things are right now I’m the one who is mostly around, not my husband (seeing as he provides for our family). So this is very interesting to read. 🙂
Kate says
Oh, I forgot. A couple of experienced parents (one mom to 4, the other to 10) told me that when a child, especially a son, is disrespecting his mother, it is good for a father to stand up and say “You will not talk to MY WIFE like that.” He is taking his role as the head of the family and defending his wife — even to his own son! But I think that is a really good way to handle it, two strong males working together, with the older giving an example of how to treat a woman. I just really liked that.
Deedee says
Oh Amy! what a great post – thank you so much! I can so totally relate. LOL! I grew up with four younger brothers and now have been blessed with two lively sons! Boys seem to be my lot in life. Hehehe! I now have a new daughter and she turned out to be quite the tomboy! LOL! Serves me right for looking forward to ribbons and lace, huh? 😉 Thank you for these timely reminders of the joys and challenges. praying for you during these last difficult weeks. – Deedee
shannon says
and what do I do with the nearly 3 year old who wants little to do with being a boy? 🙂 Having big sisters makes sense and I remember shrugging when my first boy liked pink at times and played dress up or Barbies. These things were more about being friends with his sister than liking girl stuff.
My youngest is nearly 3 and I never argued the fact that he wears sparkle Mary Jane shoes and likes pink more than his mother. Now he wants to wear dresses because they are ‘buiful’. I’m having a hard time figuring out where to draw the line and where to shrug. Truly it doesn’t bug me and it only mildy bugs his father- but I also am not sure I am doing him a service by letting him wear a tutu to walmart.
Anyone have experience with this?
Amy says
Although I know there are many who would disagree with me on this, I do think there is a line. That said, it is a line of YOUR choosing, not mine. I would definitely encourage him (even at 3) to be about “boy” things and encourage time spent with Daddy being about man things. No need to shame him in any way…just guide him that direction. 😉
Cliff says
Great article Amy. My wife and I have six boys and all but one is gone. The remaining son is the youngest. He is now 16 and he and is mother are battling. I believe what was missing in his life was that nurturing that mothers give their young children. She failed to establish a mother/son realationship and that it now coming back to bite her. In my opinion, two of the most important paragraphs in your article are the one that begins with : “There comes a time when…” and “At the end of the day…”. These are the 4th and 5th paragraphs from the bottom. My wife thought that buying him things and taking him on cruises was enough. He would have traded all that for some love, attention, hugs, and interest in his activities and adventures. To give you an example of what she did when he was younger: Our son attended a private elementary school in our subdivision. School ended each day at 3:00. Many days he would call home and ask his mother to pick him up. We live 1 minute in driving time from the school. She would tell him “no” wait until your father gets off at 5:00, he will pick you up. She was working, she just refused to pick him up. Another example: 5 Christmas prgrams and 5 parent/child Thanksgiving luncheons, she attended one of each. Not because she was working or sick or out of town. She just did not go. I believe she did herself a dsifavor and is paying for it now. I hope this comment is not too long.
Cliff says
Sorry, i have to reply to my own comment. In my comment, I said my wife “was working”. that’s incorrect, she was “not working”.