After the week I had last week, I decided to take a bit of a break and regroup.
I use the word “regroup” quite often when speaking of stepping back from things to take a look around and gather up all the bits and pieces of myself that have been spread about from project to project, thought to thought, task to task, circumstance to circumstance.
I know I sound a bit schizophrenic, but in all honesty, as a wife and mother there are times when I am spread very thin to the point where I begin to feel myself crack and bits and pieces of myself begin breaking off, so that when I pull away from a task or problem, I end up leaving a part of myself behind…always mulling it over, always living in that moment, never quite catching back up with the rest of me. The only way for me to bring those bits and pieces back together is to take a break from the everyday life so I can better see where I’ve been and where I’m going. Sometimes the every day becomes so “every day” that we lose track of where we are really heading because we are simply caught up in the day to day grind. I truly believe a change of pace is good for the mind, body, and soul.
So, this weekend, I took one these sabbaticals from the every day. My husband and I attended a La Leche League conference in a neighboring town. One of the sessions I attended on my own was called Preparing for Birth. Even though this is #6 for us, the circumstances surrounding this baby’s birth have created a new scenario for me…one wrought with questions and fears (as I’ve shared previously). One of these looming questions is how am I going to handle this birth and the emotions that will undoubtedly be there? Something was said in this session that really struck a chord for me and I wanted to share it here.
One of the midwives leading the session talked extensively about different birthing scenarios she had encountered and how each related to being Intellectually, Physically, and/or Emotionally prepared for giving birth. In the story she told concerning a very emotional birth she mentioned that we have to consider who we are when we are our most vulnerable. What are some things we do? Do we pull away from everyone and prefer to be alone? Do we have a select group of friends and family we really need there with us in physical contact? Do we prefer support in the form of someone standing off to the side just being there? Are there certain people we NEVER call on in our times of need? Who are the people you do not mind seeing you at your most vulnerable? What/Who are you most comfortable with when you are feeling emotional?
These are all questions I am going to have to answer. In fact, these are questions my husband is going to have answer as well. We’re in this together. This won’t just be ME grieving and rejoicing…this will be him as well. So much of what she said made me realize that while I may not be able to map out every detail of this baby’s birth (and by her advice no one really should even try), I can prepare in tangible ways for what I feel *may* happen. As she suggested, I have already alerted my OB to my feelings, my husband knows as well and we are working through just what I may or may not need during labor in the way of decisions and support, and now I am reading labor and delivery stories to help me gear up for the inevitable reality that I WILL give birth sometime in the next 6-8 weeks.
This is an exciting time. I must rely on the Lord and the support He sends me to enjoy what time I have left and the actual birthing process. Soon, I will hold a new little one. There will be healing resting in my arms that day. Not a complete healing, not a replacement for Emily, but a gift, a blessing, a very special link in the chain that makes up my life.