I don’t even know if I have the words to describe today…
Today was my hematologist appointment because of the anemia. My husband was supposed to come with me despite his packed schedule. I was worried that the blood draw would leave me exhausted. I was not prepared for what the real issue would be.
Ty emailed me mid-morning and said that he had to go to a meeting he wasn’t expecting and would be late coming to the appointment. So, I headed over by myself to the appointment after a quick glance at the map they had enclosed with the paperwork.
Now, from that map, I was well-aware that the place I was going was very near the hospital where Emily had all her surgeries and spent so many weeks. We lived there with her for 4 weeks total from December to January. I knew just having to go near there would be hard, but I thought I could handle it.
However, when I pulled up to the hospital and realized that the building I had to go into was where her surgeon’s office was–directly across from the hospital, I began to panic. I tried to stop the sobs, but could not. I cannot control them even now. I almost didn’t go in to the building. I thought maybe I could suppress the sadness long enough to go to the appointment, but I could not and finally gave into it and went inside the building with tears running down my cheeks. For the next 2.5 hrs (all through my appointment), I cried.
Little did I know Ty had tried to contact me to tell me that he could not come at all. I was alone…and would stay that way. He had no idea I was in that building. He had no idea I was sobbing through all the memories. Later (after I was home and had slept for a bit), he found out and raced home. He felt awful that I had to do that alone. I felt awful I had to do that alone.
I kept praying God would send Ty. Then, I began begging God to send ANYONE. I didn’t want to sit with my thoughts any longer. God heard my prayers and a woman whose hair had all fallen out from her battle with breast cancer, slipped into the chair next to me and grabbed my hand and began talking to me. I could barely get the words out to explain to her why I was so distraught. She listened, she talked, and when it was my turn to go back, she hugged me. I still continued to cry, but I felt like I could breathe again.
My eyes hurt, I’m tired, and my heart is broken. I wish I had something profound to say, but I don’t. Sometimes it just hurts.