Somewhere in the early morning nursing hours, I had a dream.
It was of Emily.
Her bright blue eyes and fuzzy head and chubby cheeks were intertwined with Garin’s bright blue eyes and fuzzy head and chubby cheeks.
I held her and rocked her and as with all my dreams of her, I knew she would not be with me long. However, this dream was different. This time I thought maybe we would defy the doctors who, in my dreams, always tell me she will not live. I thought maybe this time she would start to gain weight and be well. Maybe I would get to see her grow up. Maybe…
And as Garin slowly lifted me from the fog of dreams, I smiled.
I don’t get to dream of Emmy often. This dream came because only hours before, I had read of my friend Rachel’s little boy in this post and her words made me long for my baby daughter who’s condition was different, but who’s result was the same. The same…except my Emily was healed in death.
Dreaming of Emmy was a gift. I have been preparing for my session for an upcoming homeschool conference in which I’ll be speaking on Homeschooling During Crisis. Emily has been on my mind a lot.
I look at my two little boys who have been born since their big sister passed away and I catch glimpses of her and grieve in smiles.
I sort children’s clothes in their tubs downstairs, but Emily’s remain untouched. No little girl to wear those things. Tub after tub stacked high with things that were hers…things that would have been hers.
And always wondering if there will ever be another girl…
Just the other day, we pulled out the double stroller to take a walk around the neighborhood. Our two year old began rummaging through the zippered pockets near his seat. He found a toy. Emily’s toy. And I smiled…and quietly slipped the toy back into the pocket…for another time.
I never thought I would find pieces of her this many years and this many miles from the place where present became past. A new city. A new home. Two more children. And yet, there it was…a toy stashed in a pocket just in case she became bored with the zoo.
I can speak her name, I can tell her story without crying. I’ve had 3 years to practice. But, the dreams…they are fresh and new, unexpected and yet welcome.
Just like the toy in the zippered pocket of the double stroller, my dreams are zipped away,
counted among precious blessings,
saved for another day.
Tomorrow I will be At The Well speaking about my ebook devotional Psalms for the Grieving Heart. Thank you, ATW for helping to spread the word and comfort those who are grieving.
Wendy Gunn says
Thank you for sharing your heart so openly, Amy. I know there will be many grieving, hurting hearts who will find help and comfort through your words.
Wendy
Amy says
Your stories of Emily always bring me to tears. I am praying for you and your family today, as I often do… Thank you for sharing your heart.
Lisa Maria says
What a bittersweet grace. Praise God for your generous heart that is willing to open the door to painful memories to help others to heal. May He bless your ministry and your family.
Gail says
What a way to start my morning. It makes me blessed to have all of my children here with me, healthy and in my arms. Thank you for being so open and transparent with us, your readers. I can’t even imagine going through the loss of a child. Again, thank you for sharing your heart with us!
DonnaJ says
Praising for Lord for your beautiful dream. She was a beautiful little girl.
Muffy Stephenson says
Praying for you today Sister.
In Christ,Muffy
April says
I can never read about Emily without crying. Thank you for sharing your heart.
Amy says
I still have those precious dreams of my sweet daughter lost after many, many years…and I cherish them. Sometimes, they are dreams of her impending passing but they are still dreams of time with her…
I call it a gift!
Lauri B says
Thank you so much for your honesty and transparency! I’ve never lost a living child. I have had two miscarriages, and would have liked some of these responses…I reposted this because I don’t think people know how to let their friends grieve. Again, thank you.
Marinell High says
I have just finished reading this post that was passed on to me from a fb friend. I have never lost a child of my own, but I lost a sister, born when I was 12 & 1/2 as my maternal instincts were on the rise. She died two years after her birth and her two years on this earth had been a struggle. She brought joy and understanding to my life that has been the greatest influence of anything I have ever experienced. I thank God for her short amount of time with us, wonder what it would have been like to be a big sister longer, but know that the gift of her life has greatly enriched my own.
God ‘s plans for us are all different and each life has great possibility. My sister’s short life taught me that length has nothing to do with purpose.
May God bless you as you dream of your precious daughter.
Angie @ Many Little Blessings says
I don’t have any words to say that seem right. But, just know that I’m holding you in my heart.
Valerie says
Oh Amy, thank you for sharing this. Emily’s pictures are just precious. {{Hugs}}
Jennifer says
Amy, this post is so precious. Thank you for writing it.
jillian says
Amy, I don’t know what I should say, but feel like I have to thank you for sharing your heart so openly. You really are such a wonderful witness for Jesus and for the grace and strength that He gives us in our pain. Great is His faithfulness!
Kimberly says
Amy, there aren’t words.
God Bless you.
((HUGS))
Christine says
So beautifully written. So encouraging to see God’s work in healing. Bless you Amy!
Heather Anderson says
Thank you for sharing. I cannot imagine the pain that you continue to experience, though we have watched dear friends who have walked through that kind of pain. They lost their 16mth old in a tragic accident about 16 years ago. Even now, they feel the absence of their precious daughter. Thank you for using your pain to touch others.
Natasha says
I heard you were going to be speaking in a class at the convention in Wichita. I will pray for you that you have the words God wants you to speak. Wish I could be there. I’d love a chance to visit again sometime.
Rachel says
Oh, my sweet friend, this brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing about Emily. Your words and posts about her are dear to my heart.
I know your words will be a balm to others’ hearts.
Rachel
{and thank you for your mention}
Homequeen says
My heart goes out to you dear lady.
I came here today from At The Well, where I was reading your touching post.
I cannot imagine the pain of losing a living child, and pray the past 3 years have brought you even closer to God, who heals hearts with His love. He’s looking after Emily now, you know, keeping her safe, waiting for you.
I’ve tears in my eyes as I write this. You are such a brave lady.
In my prayers with God’s blessing.
Stephanie says
Amy,
Your story, your journey, it always touches me. To see how the Lord, our wonderful risen Savior has brought you to this place, and you are able to talk it through and comfort others. I pray for you as you speak at the upcoming conference, that our Heavenly Father will guide and direct you and hold you close as you speak of Emily. What a precious little girl you were given. Thank you for sharing your story with us and thank you for being a vessel for the Lord.
In Him,
Stephanie
Julianne says
Oh my, your strength is amazing and inspiring. I can only imagine the blessing you are to other mothers who have been through similar things.
Thank you for sharing your heart,
Julianne 🙂