{Note from Amy: Dear friends, I am honored to have Sherry from Large Family Mothering here today to give some wonderful advice on a summer project of a different sort. Having order and peace in your home is crucial, so I appreciate Sherry’s willingness to offer biblical wisdom on this topic.}
Summer is a great time for focusing on behavior and order within the home. Homeschool work is usually light or at a minimum, and life moves at a slower pace.
Lately, I have been thinking about child-training. There is something extremely interesting I have discovered over the past several years; when you have a large number of children, you are in actuality rearing a number of families, one after the other. Our first family, so-to-speak, is already out of the house. We are on our second family now. This present set of children is very different from the first in many ways; for one thing, our living circumstances have changed, and we were not as mature (or as old) as we are today.
Even the children are different. The individual personalities that make up our whole have a distinct flavor, and for that reason we have adjusted accordingly. I also find myself having to relive many parental moments of instruction; things I thought I had already covered, I’m having to go over once more. After 28 years, we are still dealing with some childishness, and we are having to back up and re-examine the fundamentals.
Most of our current practices are just the same as when we first began our family, although many of them have been refined through experience, perspective, and of course, a clearer understanding of God’s Word. I thought it would be a good idea to compile these and share some of the most important ones with you.
Use God’s Word.
All scripture is given by inspiration of God,and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness. (2 Timothy 3:16)
This is the go-to source for parenting. Study Proverbs, over and over, for basic instruction in wisdom and righteousness, then go through and glean gems from the rest of the Holy Bible. Have these at the ready whenever it is time for correction, such as:
Love worketh no ill to his neighbour: therefore love is the fulfilling of the law. (Romans 13:10)
This is appropriate to use when one child is mistreating another in any way.
Also, teach these principles daily to your children so that they will recognize them when you bring them up.
Get the child’s full attention.
For me, eye contact is a must. The eyes are the windows to the soul. When I take the time to ensure that I have their full attention, it’s much easier to correct or advise.
Be totally engaged. Especially in these crazy, inattentive times, this is one of the most important characteristics of good parenting and a mannerism that is difficult to acquire. Phone calls, social media, gadgets and entertainment of every type all vie for our attention. But parenting is just like investing; you cannot expect a good return with a minimal expenditure. Do you desire well-behaved, respectful, children? Then you must be willing to give them your complete heart. Neither the computer, or the DVD player, nor the preschool program will be able to perform the job that God has laid at your feet. Even if the pastor himself should call upon you to divert your energy and focus for some other “good” cause make the better choice to be mommy to your children!
Beware of the “monologue”.
The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame. (Proverbs 29:15)
There is certainly a place for “lecturing”, but too many of us rely on the wagging of our tongues to do the entire job of godly correction, yet this is the most inefficient of methods. While we are called upon to reason with our children (reproof), it’s a sign of laziness and neglect when a parent continually harps on the same subject or gives numerous “warnings” without taking any remedial action. My own children have been well known to deliberately encourage continued dialogue on some principle, or story of illustration (remember, we are older and have a lot of these to share!) so that they can postpone or even avoid discipline altogether!
Make correction meaningful.
Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thysoul spare for his crying. (Proverbs 19:18)
If you are too timid to cause your child any discomfort, then you do not really care for him at all. There are certain things that can only be learned through the application of discipline; and these dealings have to cause a measured amount of discomfort. A child that has never had his will trained in this way is being prepared for a life of misery–for everyone whom God loves receives His correction, and those who have been trained to recognize it are the most happy (blessed).
There is a knot tied between the soul and sin, a true lover’s knot; they two became one flesh. It is true of ourselves, it is true of our children, whom we have begotten in our own likeness. O God! thou knowest this foolishness…correction is necessary to the cure of it. It will not be got out by fair means andgentle methods; there must be strictness and severity, and that which will cause grief. Children need to be corrected, and kept under discipline, by their parents; and we all need to be corrected by our heavenly Father (Heb. 12:6, 7), and under the correction we must stroke down folly and kiss the rod. (Matthew Henry on Proverbs 22:15) * [Never to the point of abuse or neglect.]
Praise and reward good behavior.
This is not always easy, as we tend to become busy or even grumpy ourselves and often overlook some of the best parts of parenting. Here is a fun exercise; one morning, instead of correcting for a bad job, start passing out M & M candies to anyone you “catch” performing a task well–I do this every once-in-a-while and it is so enjoyable!
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| Mother and daughter together! |
Words are powerful things–dole out the encouraging ones as much as possible. It’s said that it takes ten positive comments to cancel out the effect of one negative comment.
While meting out the correction, make sure and pile on the encouragement where appropriate (not empty flattery). Here are some words and phrases you might consider employing; “You are such a blessing, I am so glad God gave you to me!”, “Good job!”, “You did that exactly right!”, “You work so well that it gives me joy just to watch you!”, “I am so impressed by your good attitude, keep it up!”, “You cheer everyone up by your smile and happy ways!”, etc.
Delight in your child without puffing him or her up. What do you praise? Good outward appearance?–No, it’s beyond the power of the child to affect change in his or her hair color or facial features. Rather than focusing on your child’s intelligence or shallow behavioral traits, try encouraging their servant-hood, kindness, honesty, respectful behavior and hard work.
Take time to instruct your children, then explain what the consequences are for misbehaving.
Children do not automatically know how to act properly. This can be very embarrassing for them when not intentional, not to mention disruptive, especially at times when they need to be respectful and quiet. No one wants to have the expensive meal they paid for interrupted by the unruly behavior of someone else’s children screaming or hiding under the table!
Young ones need to have someone explain to them that it is not polite to roam around and touch all of the merchandise well before they ever set foot into a store. They need to have some role-playing on precisely how to act at someone else’s house, at church and during prayer, etc. Then they need to know just what may happen if they do not comply. I have been known to actually post these things on the refrigerator and refer to them at the appropriate times. This will give children a sense of security and the knowledge that justice is being done.
Demand respect.
It’s a comfort and a protection for children to obey and observe propriety when responding and conversing with their elders, including extended family, and older siblings. Parents are to be respected above all, and children must be trained to respond obediently and correctly. Anyone who encourages a child to question or rebel against his parent’s commands is aiding in his or her ultimate ruin.
If a child fails to respond promptly, I require that he or she “practice” coming quickly ten times. If he or she can’t come quickly, I have instructed them to call out, “Coming, Mother” as loud as is necessary for me to hear (we have a large house). When being addressed, he or she is to be in a listening posture, not allowed to “negotiate” and must answer with “Yes, Ma’am” or “No, Ma’am”, whichever is fitting.
Homeschooling is impossible without discipline. I have always considered that our chores were an indispensable part of our educational scheme. There have been many individuals who have been talented and highly educated, and yet their lack of attention to life’s basic courtesies, their slothful attitudes, and moral failures have all contributed to a wasted and shipwrecked life. Having your children help with the responsibilities of family life can give you as a parent the opportunity to diagnose problems and deal with them before they become a permanent behavioral trait of your child’s personality and character.
A child who refuses to respond quickly when called, who constantly talks-back or negotiates, and who is not held accountable for sloppy, half-hearted work will be a constant drain and make the teaching of every subject a headache for the entire family.
Contrarily, a home full of children, although imperfect, who understand what is expected and the consequences of trespassing on the rules and standards set forth by caring, loving parents, is a happy one indeed!
If you like this article by Sherry Hayes or if you would like more thoughts on Christian mothering and family life, please visit her blog, Large Family Mothering.
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| Above is a poster to print out for your encouragement. |
Sherry is an experienced homeschooling mother of 15 wonderful children!
Sherry has rediscovered the tools of learning that helped our forefathers overcome the enormous obstacles of their time, that have only recently been replaced by “dumbed-down” progressive texts and worthless statistics that require no higher thinking on the part of young learners.
Her PDF book, Homeschool Sanity: is a Practical Guide in Redemptive Home Educating it is her attempt to communicate a way back to common sense learning. It’s a pathway back to the simplicity and joy of gaining the knowledge born out of the reverence for the God of the Bible. It’s a journey filled with the grace and truth of Jesus Christ.
Amanda Williams says
Hi there! I was interested in this post just by how you titled it. 🙂 Getting children to behave. It is interesting to me because I was always on the look out for, “Good Behavior” for the first few years of my kids’ lives. I always told them to behave, or to “act” good, or to “be” kind. A month or so into my tailspin of my kids trying to be “perfect” and always failing, our church offered a class called Shepherding a Child’s heart. Mr. Tripp, the author of the lesson series, talks about how we want our kids to have good behavior, but out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. He calls us to look and see the behavior as a way to their heart issues. It is always about the heart. We started working on the heart, and memorizing verses that talked about how God watches over the ways of the righteous but the ways of the wicked will perish. My kids were then blessed with insight to why they were doing things wrong (sin) and how the Holy Spirit could help them change their heart. We talked about good habits and how hard work is rewarding. We do believe in discipline, and we are striving to be self controlled and kind, having a moment with our child in a non-public place, explaining that we love them and are there to help them. We don’t go into the whole food reward type thing, and I am not so sure I agree with the sugary treats with food coloring for good behavior. I do appreciate your post and agree that Mommies who CARE make the difference! Obviously you Care so much and it is wonderful to read your posts! God is really using you to encourage all of us! 🙂 I just wanted to encourage you to take these ideas a step further and focus on the heart issues instead of just trying to squelch the behavior. 🙂 Have a beautiful day, and so glad to call you my sister in Christ!
monique says
Love everything Sherry does! 🙂 Just reread this on her blog last night, printed the chart, and put her quote “Words are powerful things–dole out the encouraging ones as much as possible” on my calendar!
Highly recommend the her resources that she has on special right now, too
http://ladyofvirtue.blogspot.com/
Monique
mom to 10
MomasDoctor says
Summer is when we focus more on these issues too. It is the perfect time to really focus on each child and the areas that they need to work on. Great post!
kelly says
Amen! Amen! Amen!
Diana says
This was just what I needed today! Thank you!
Gaby says
This post gave me food for thought. I did not agree with some things however. The Matthew Henry quote was disturbing, that foolishness will not be got out by gentle methods but only methods that cause grief. When so much of the Scriptures guide us to gentleness; indeed, Jesus was gentle, the Fruits of the Spirit are…gentleness, …”gently instruct…” (2 Tim. 2), “He is able to deal gently with those who are ignorant and who going astray… (Heb. 5). Also, I’m not sure where I stand about using praise. I am concerned that it would encourage the child’s motivation to become for accolades, rather than intrinsic, and for the Lord. I really appreciated the part about fully engage. I was reminded of how often I “just check” my emails or the Internet while with my loved ones. Must stop!
Teresa says
wonderful read, and a great reminder as to why we need to train ourselves as well as our children, so we may please God.