One question I get asked a lot is if any of my children are jealous of the new baby. I can honestly say I have never had this happen. I have never had a child ask me to send back a younger sibling or act like they hate the new baby. Which makes me curious…why is this?
Well, because I’m pretty sure this whole jealously thing is a lot of nonsense.
Before I end up with scads of email telling me I’m all sorts of wrong about this, hear me out. If at the end of this post you still believe I’m wrong, feel free to let me know.
Sibling jealousy is often nurtured.
Sometimes it comes from mom and dad, sometimes a well-meaning grandparent, sometimes from Joe Schmoe down the street…someone says something that seems harmless and the little kid wheels start turning. For instance, Grandma tells little Timmy that when his new baby sister is born he might feel like he’s not getting any attention, but his parents really do love him.
Hello?! Let’s just set the little guy up for failure, shall we?
Or what about mom and dad who bend over backward to try to keep little Timmy from feeling jealous with presents and coddling. Or maybe the opposite happens and mom and dad suddenly focus all their attention on this tiny creature, all the while making it very clear that Timmy is “in the way”.
Don’t encourage jealousy with your words and actions. As adults, we are the ones these little people take their cues from. If your cues are suggesting they *should* be jealous of a new baby, then they *will* be jealous.
Jealousy stems from confusion.
We have always made the new baby a part of the family from the time he or she is a tiny little bump in mama’s belly. The baby is an addition, not a replacement, and our children are encouraged to dream about baby, shop for baby, talk about baby, and ask questions about baby long before the baby joins the family on the outside.
If you avoid talking about baby and letting your little ones interact with the baby before he or she is born, you end up surprising your child with a kicking, screaming doll that is terrifying. Mom and Dad spend a lot of time dealing with this tiny human, and little Timmy is totally confused about who this person is and how he is supposed to interact if he’s never been told this baby is “his” too.
Yes, your child may be too young to understand (my little Creed couldn’t even remember me without a belly, and he certainly had no concept of what a baby really was), but don’t let that stop you from talking about baby and including your child in baby related activities like shopping for baby and baby showers.
Jealous siblings see the new baby as YOURS, not OURS.
We talk about OUR baby. We tell our toddlers the new baby is THEIR baby. We make sure they know this new little one is a part of OUR family, and we talk about what it means to be a part of OUR family.
They come to the hospital. We encourage them to hold baby. We let them join in diaper changes, baths, and feeding. We are in this together, and baby is an addition to our family dynamic that we all get to enjoy.
But, if a parent excludes their other children from the day to day routine of having a new baby, or they never talk about baby being OUR baby, a toddler or older sibling may get the impression the baby isn’t someone they should pay attention to or bond with.
All this said, my biggest gripe with this whole sibling jealousy thing is…
Sibling jealousy is talked about way too much.
Any little sign of a child feeling jealous and we jump on the “we might warp them if we don’t do something quick” bandwagon. We are so busy trying to nurture our poor jealous child’s psyche, we end up making things worse! We run to grandparents, friends on Facebook, and even strangers in the supermarket to get their opinion on jealous siblings. All the while, our little children are wondering what you are so in a tizzy over, but the attention they are getting sure is fun! It doesn’t matter if the perceived jealousy is real or not, if little Timmy can milk it, he will.
He may actually be feeling a little left out and confused by this new person in his home, but if you run around like a crazy person, stressing over everything he says and feels, he’s not going to feel MORE secure, he’s going to wonder what is going on and act out even more! Stop talking about it so much. Stop stressing over it! Bring little Timmy alongside you and baby and show him that having a new baby in the house is just the way things are and everyone is better for it.
I truly believe many “modern” sibling issues are a lot of hype. We American parents stress over everything it seems. Somehow we’ve got to get a grip and just be parents…be a family…have a life! No more majoring in the minors. Let’s enjoy our families! Let’s show them just how wonderful and special new babies are. Let’s try to keep things low key and normal. No more jealous sibling nonsense!
So, now that I’ve laid it on the line, I’d love to hear from you! Be respectful, but feel free to share your thoughts on sibling rivalry, especially pertaining to bringing a new baby into the house. And if you have questions, feel free to leave those here too! Raising Arrows readers are always more than willing to help other moms out!
Jodie says
I couldn’t agree more. We have nine children ranging from 18 to eight months and no-one has ever shown any sign of jealousy or negative feeling towards “the Baby”. As you say , the baby is “the family’s baby” and joins the family with help from everyone. We did have a humourous situation where our two year old just loved his baby sister to bits and was always on hand – ALL THE TIME. His Dad used to say “Come on Philip, give the baby some space.” I would always say that it was okay, that the novelty would wear off….only it didn’t. He was in her face, singing, rattling toys, talking to her long after she was a baby…in fact until the next baby came along! We’re all still saying “Come on Philip, give the baby some space” – and he’s now 12.
I agree, that sometimes we give these so-called issues more airtime that they deserve. Our children are all different personalities. The only constant was my husband’s and my attitude to the situation – that sibling jealousy was never an option!
Amy says
I have a 6 year old who is still in baby’s face too. I can hear him right now jabbering at her. Most of the time she thinks it’s hilarious!
HeatherHH says
I agree. We have eight children, ages 13 and under. Every one of them able to understand is giddy when I make a pregnancy announcement. And all of them are thrilled when a new baby is born. All throughout the pregnancy, I talk about what size the baby is, when it will be born, etc. We do not read new baby brother/sister books, because most often the theme is jealousy. I see no reason to suggest that idea to a child. The children know that babies and gardens and many things in life are very worthwhile but can be hard work at times. And they know that we are thrilled to death with each child even though there can be difficult times like a stomach bug going through the house.
Amy says
Yes, those “sibling” books are the worst!
Whitney says
I agree wholeheartedly!!! I have a little one who doesn’t like to eat anything, and people drive me nuts telling her things like, “don’t eat those mashed potatoes… Those aren’t any good! Here eat this candy instead.”
Also with my oldest people would tell her things like, “oh man you got the short-end of the stick with being the oldest…. You poor baby, I just know you get in trouble for EVERYTHING that they do wrong!!!”
*eyeroll* makes my anxiety skyrocket and makes me wanna punch someone in the face! Lol. Because after they say that stuff we end up battling that for weeks!!!
AveStellaMaris says
LOLOLOL
Amy says
Just keep positively reaffirming your children. And honestly, it doesn’t hurt to say something in front of the people who do that (gently, of course, because they really don’t mean any harm). Sometimes it just takes a few words to change someone’s mind about how they are responding to something.
Sarah says
Couldn’t agree more! We are expecting our fifth (ages four and under!) and our kiddos are EXCITED! They WANT to have another friend in our family! You’re absolutely right about parents or well meaning “helpers” feeding this weirdness. Great post!
Kirsten Pankratz says
Exactly! That’s is Exactly how it is here! We have a baby boy this time and my 6 year old finally gets a baby in his room after a string of girls. He is soooo thrilled and he gets to bring me the baby in the morning etc. My four year old just ask me to give her new a baby for her room. I told her she has a baby (that she just poty trained basically on here own because she wanted to, how cool is that?!) and she told me she wants a new tiny baby since LeeRoy got the last one. Oh, boy, I guess I’ll have to work on that, Sweety, just give me a few month to recover first, huh? lol Honestly, one of the things that makes this mama’s heart swell with happiness is when the kids/babies are just really loving each other. We spend a lot of time helping them love each other and telling them that they are each others friends. I really think homeschooling and big families can create that kind of sibling closeness. I was homeschooled and my siblings and I are still very close though we don’t live near each other. Great post!
Amy says
Awww, what a lovely story! 🙂
Jennifer says
Beautiful! I was worried that my youngest two might not appreciate babies without a baby sibling but all it took was a little “look how cute and sweet the baby is” from me and now every baby they see anywhere (usually the grocery store), they say, “Look at the baby, Mommy! Isn’t it SO CUUUTe?” They all love babies. My oldest son has a special talent for making babies stop crying and getting toddlers to laugh and giggle. My second oldest is a little frustrated that he doesn’t have that same gift but he does have a talent with animals. Animals who don’t even know him seem to love him.
Amy says
My oldest son has the same talent!
Muffy says
My oldest son is the same way with babies and our second son was like that with animals. He never met an animal that didn’t like him.
AveStellaMaris says
Amen — I think this is a combination of everything you mentioned; temperament, nurturing and family style go a long way. Our older two are on the spectrum, but when our second was born — a girl — even though my son could not understand any of the prep for having a new baby or even perhaps why mommy’s tummy was so big, the second we brought her home and put her in his lap, he was trembling and tearful he was so overwhelmed with joy. And this is a child who, at the time, was two and who did not speak until he was five years old. Our third baby was placed in his lap with equal affection. Neither my older son nor my daughter have expressed jealousy over the baby (who is almost three) and the baby has never balked that his big brother and sister get more attenitiion. It’s just a non-issue. Were we to get pregnant with a fourth, I am certain the joy would magnify a fourth time with our youngest joining in to welcome him or her into OUR family 🙂
Sarah K says
I agree as well. We are expecting #5 and the only ones who are a little upset are my oldest 2. They are 17 & 15 and then we have a 3.5 yr old and a 1.5 yr old. So the oldest remember what it is like when they were the only ones but they have adapted well. They aren’t jealous, but just have to be reminded that the little ones need me more than they do at times. But we always have meals together, we play games as a family, my husband and I are at all concerts and sporting events. The 3 year old is really excited about the new baby and can’t decide if he wants another little brother or if a sister would be more fun. He’s just excited to have another playmate!
Rebecca says
I also agree. We’ve never had jealousy issues. There is always a period of “adjustment” while everyone adjusts to the new schedule, etc., but it seems that the kids are more excited about the baby than I am if that’s possible!!!
They can’t wait for #7 in just over 3 months- they were happy to “give up” our annual early July vacation to welcome the new baby- they all said this was way better 🙂
They pray for the baby everyday already!
I always want to come back to a biblical perspective and truly we are supposed to be teaching our children to love each other- even above ourselves. So jealousy is not really an option. Love is the only way!
The kids have been a great team to help me out even now already. they know I can’t do as much and they are happy to help out while the new baby “grows”.
p.s. LOVE how delicious little Aspen is. She is truly precious!!!
Renee says
I agree, 14 kids and we have never had this issue! I remember when I was pregnant with my second child (18 years ago) looking at all of the books about new babies and being horrified by the focus on the older sibling: being jealous, calling the baby stinky, wanting to send it back….I avoided those like the plague.
Recently I visited a friend who had a second baby. While I was there several other friends and family members arrived and all made a HUGE deal about the older sibling being a big brother AND brought gifts. This was all anyone could talk about. I am not opposed to either of those things in small doses, but this was so over the top…I felt like I had a very clear window into the beginnings of sibling jealousy…
Laura Roberts says
Love this post Amy! You nailed it 🙂 I have 7 and I have never experienced any sort of jealousy either. Until grandma or an aunt decides to stir it up. It is totally a nurtured emotion.
Thanks for confirming and discussing it ??
Rebekah B. says
I agree! I agree! We’ve had same issues, with people constantly asking this same question due to our 8 children. I have never had a jealousy problem, either. I also tell people that jealousy is a sin and I would deal with it as such if it did arise. I have found that as long as I take care of the two year old, he/she could care less who else comes in the household! ha, ha Their world (the two year old) is usually centered around themselves. Thank you for the post. We have found that a new baby is just another huge blessing in the house that everyone loves and cuddles.
Jennifer Dewing says
I agree with you completely! We are soon to bring home #9 & we have never had issues with siblings being jealous. From the very beginning, we talk about the new baby in Mama’s tummy. We often find out the gender & so s/he has a name before they are born. We call them by this name & so s/he is “real” before they are born. Plus, we (the parents’ ), are excited for this new little life, & I think that helps too. It’s hard to be jealous about something/someone if you’re excited to see/meet them. Our eldest is 14 & our (current) youngest is 19 months. Even though the yougest won’t/doesn’t understand, he feeds off of everyone else’s reaction. Besides, jealousy & being covetous isn’t something we allow in our house anyway. When we see it, we nip it in the bud & we teach from early age to share & be kind to one another. I don’t see why this shouldn’t be, or isn’t, extended to a new baby.
Julia says
Good job, Amy! Love grows and multiplies. It doesn’t divid. When children are in an environment of love, the love you have for them passes to the new babies. Love is contagious. I find that with each new baby we add, there is only more love to go around! No one wants to stop having them! They’re always praying for more! Thanks for posting this!
Charity says
I think part of it is how we handle new babies coming. I am the oldest of three and there were issues when my middle sister came home from the hospital. I was two so I do not remember this, but I do know what I have been told. My parents had apparently told me how my new sister would be a great playmate so that is what I expected when she came home from the hospital and not a tiny baby. I eventually adjusted and we became great friends who were playmates, confidants, sharing make up and clothes in our teen years. I was 8 when my youngest sister was born. Things were different. My middle sister and I were both excited to get to participate in helping care for this baby. That was a good thing because my mom got in a terrible car accident when our baby sister was just a few months old. My mom’s neck was broken and she had to have major surgery and if she picked up our baby sister then she could have been paralyzed. So my middle sister and I did a lot of care for our baby sister. There was no rivalry there.
I have two children and in God’s wisdom He decided that was all. When my younger son was born my older son was brought to the hospital and both were able to sit with me in the bed and Caleb (our oldest) was introduced to Simeon (our youngest). I think that made a big difference. There was one issue shortly after Simeon came home from the hospital. Caleb and I were playing and Simeon started crying. I saw a tear come down Caleb’s face. I told him it was okay to be sad about missing the life when it was just him. I let Simeon cry for just a few minutes and gave Caleb a little snuggle. Then I went and got Simeon. Jealousy has not been a big issue since then. There have been times when one enters a different stage of development before the other and it causes some conflict, but we address it. The worst punishment was the day we told them they were not allowed to talk to each other due their continual bickering at each other. They were both in tears. These times are few and far between. Not that we do not have issues, because we do as does every family. It is just that sibling rivalry is not one of them. Our sons will say that one of their best friends is each other.
priest's wife @byzcathwife says
We have 4- and probably because of my age and health that is ‘all’ we will have- thank God for lots of cousins and friends in our homeschooling community. Jealousy is a non-issue. We share- time, our goods, cuddles…
Elizabeth says
My two big kids love the baby. They think the baby is the bee’s knees. They kiss him, talk to him, sing to him….And hate each other and me. Loudly. Verbally. He’s three weeks old and the number of times someone had been disciplined to not bite or not say hate, respect mommy, not scream, etc…all stuff they had under their caps. Both are fully regressed in potty training. I’m at the end of my rope. I know consistency is the answer, but this is wearing on me. It gets old, being told you are stupid and that they hate you. We go outside a lot, but that isn’t helping as much as it usually does either.
Help.
Elizabeth says
This is all since the birth if the baby. They were each other’s best buds before – some rivalry, but not like this.
Amy says
How old are they? And I’d encourage you to take some one on one time with each of them if you can. Read to them, snuggle them…you’ll have a lot more “buy in” when you need to discipline. ((HUGS))
Elizabeth says
2&4…let me tell you, fully regressed for the 4 yo is heart breaking, he has one little buddy who is not kind about his diaper habit. I’m going to try reading more while I’m nursing, and who cares what the 4 yo says -he’s acquired a thing for audio books, and mama isn’t as good as Stephen Fry and Leonard Bernstein.
Mrs L says
Oh Elizabeth! I’ve been there! I wish I could give you a hug!
We went through that with baby number three and recently baby number four. My kids always love the baby but fully regress with toilet training and struggle to behave.
Our newest fellow is 12 weeks this week and I have just starting cracking down (one thing at a time) on the areas of discipline I’ve ‘let go’. This week we are focusing on ‘honouring with our words’- ie- the kids not screaming at each other!!
Top tips I’ve discovered over time- stick to the kids like glue. Don’t let them be playing in one room unsupervised while I am busy in another.
Set them up with activities or work often. Don’t let them wander idly- it’s a recipe for disaster! We’ve gotten a lot of mileage out of play-doh, puzzles, crayons etc.
Every time I have to breastfeed I tell them to bring me books. No one sneaks off and gets into mischief then.
Discipline one thing at a time, and if there is one thing you can never ‘let go’ it is respectful speech to you. I make sure not to lose consistency with disciplining disrespect and then just tackle one thing at a time over the next weeks. God doesn’t correct all of our faults at once- we’d feel wretched and useless if that was case and our kids will feel beaten down too if we tackle the issues that way.
Lastly- do as many things as possible to encourage positive relationships and feelings with/toward your children. If you want to scream every time they have an accident- by all means- put them back in nappies! Nothing awful will happen if you do that- but avoiding frustration toward a child who is adjusting is worthwhile. We’ve done this before and everyone ended up dry again.
You WILL feel normal and more in control of the household after awhile! Don’t despair- take everything to the Lord in prayer. The adjustment from 2-3 was by far the hardest in our house. It will get better.
Mrs L says
Meant to add- I am praying for you!!!
Elizabeth says
Thank you so much, and I will definitely keep that in mind. It’s so hard for me, to demand respect. It’s easy to demand they respect their dad, but it feels weird insisting they respect me. But the Lord put honoring mom pretty high on the priority list, before not killing people and not stealing things, so I need to do the same.
Thanks again for the prayers and encouragement. They are so appreciated.
Samsntha says
we are going through the same thing right now! 🙁 kids aged 5,4,2 and 2 weeks. Our 6 year old has started screaming at night, every night for HOURS at a time! Trying to remember that eventually we will all adjust :-[
Erin says
I tend to agree. I only have four right now, and my youngest two are 18 months apart. That was my shortest space, so I was a little worried about how the then youngest would handle it. He didn’t really understand the concept of “baby is coming.” The first day, he seemed less than impressed. He looked at me, frowning, as if to say “What’s this thing?” We continued to act excited and just kept telling him “This is Liam’s new little brother!”
He took it to heart within a few days. Now, he acts as though the little one is our gift just to him. You can tell they have this bond. He climbs into the baby’s bed and they just sit and babble and grin at each other. It’s like their own secret world nobody else is allowed to be a part of.
It was kind of funny. The two year old drew his very first little pictures with markers the other week. He gave them to the baby (who is one now). Then the other day, my mom was helping out with the kids while I got some writing done, and the two year old fell down and got hurt. My mom said “Aw, did you get hurt?” and he said “Yeah!” She held out her arms to him for a hug, and he said “James!” Ran to the baby, put his head on James’s chest, and said “I hurt James. I hurt. I see you.” And James just pats his back and plays with his own tongue. lol. But it’s so fun to see how they are growing closer and closer. Besties in the making for sure. I think if we had fostered the idea that he should have been jealous, like you said, he might have taken a lot longer to accept no longer being the baby of the family.
Amy says
How sweet! 🙂
Amy Sparks says
We never have problems with this (pregnant w baby #10). Even with our 2 that are almost 5 yrs apart. We always make it “our” baby, let them hold and touch baby once it’s here, help w babies needs, etc. This pregnancy I have been sharing the pics (appropriate ones 🙂 ) and info on baby’s development from “Your Pregnancy Week by Week”. My 11 yo daughter, the 6 yo girl, and 4 yo boy LOVE seeing how big their sibling is getting!
Rachel says
I think you’re right on. I’m expecting #4, my first daughter, and I took my sons to the gender scan with me. The oldest (6) is so excited about the prospect of a sister that he tries to load up my cart with pink things every time we go to the store now.
I do think, though, that you missed one contributing factor: spacing. When I was growing up, my friends with siblings who were spaced far apart had the worst jealousy and rivalry. Obviously, it all gets back to how the parents handle it, but I think it’s a bit harder when a child is used to being an only or the baby for five or six years, and then that is suddenly interrupted. And I think that is exacerbated when the older child doesn’t spend much time with his parents in the first place (dual income, public school, and daycare). Again, it depends a lot on how the parents handle it, but I think a lot of parents make lifestyle choices that make it unnecessarily difficult.
Amy says
I have 3 who are spaced almost 3 and almost 4 years apart. It wasn’t a factor with them either. Of course, we were not dual income and didn’t have a lot of money to spend.
Kirsten Pankratz says
I agree. All my siblings and myself are about 4 years apart. We just figured that Mom would keep it up forever. We begged and begged for another baby when Mom was 45/46 but we didn’t get one. I remember being sooo sad about that. And the funny thing is, my oldest is a girl and I constantly get her name mixed up with my baby sister’s name because that was the baby in my life until I had my own. lol One thing’s for sure, it takes a LOT of wisdom to parent well. I ask God for it daily!
Laurie Rogers says
Wonderful post! We have 10 children and have not had sibling jealousy either. I agree that people tend to assume it will happen and thereby they put the idea in the child’s mind. Our babies have always been the family’s babies. Keep up the good work! You really encourage me.
Jessica says
I love this! It’s so true! We did deal with a little disappointment, but I wouldn’t have called it jealousy…we had a big 6 year gap between my second and third and I remember my oldest at the time who was 9 was pouting. Turned out, the hype of the baby wasn’t all it was cracked up to be at first. I think she was expecting a fun, giggling baby, but instead she got a newborn that was fairly boring and took mom’s time. I promised her that in no time she would be able to play peek-a-boo, tickle baby, and wrestle a toddler. Fast forward and now that baby is 4 and we have another 2 year old. My oldest is the best play sister they have! She loves to make them laugh and be silly!
Amy says
They do tend to be a little confused by what the baby will be like. I remember one of our kiddos being shocked the baby had no teeth! lol
Laura says
I’m the eldest, and my brother William came along when I was about nearly two years old. I loved him (there are videos and pictures of me changing his diaper, feeding him baby food, etc.) but I guess I was a bit jealous at first. My parents said I would sometimes bite him 😛
However, now I have nine younger siblings and I’ve never seen any jealousy at all. When Emma came along after William, they got along beautifully; my mom says that William would lay down beside Emma with his thumb in his mouth and say her name over and over in a sweet little voice.
Whenever a new baby came along all of the kids wanted to be the one who helped take care of him/her; as far as I can tell, none of them have ever felt left out. And if the baby gets more attention than they do, well, they’re the ones giving it 😀
Liz says
What a refreshing point of view! Yes! Our biggest request around here is for ” more babies” or “one for me.” Never have I been asked to take one back 🙂
Emily says
I agree too!! I have to stop myself from rolling my eyes when people talk about jealous siblings. I’m pregnant with our fourth (and I’m only 25, so there will probably be many more where these ones came from!), and never have had an issue. I remember being slightly concerned when #3 arrived because my #2 was SO cuddly still – didn’t fizz him in he least. He just snuggled with me while I nursed, he thought the baby made funny faces which made him laugh, and he had no problems whatsoever. I’m so done worrying about siblings ever being jealous, my three (well, the two who can understand!) are super excited for their baby brother to arrive. Did I mention they’re all boys? And the oldest is five? Crazy house around here, but I love it 🙂
Emily says
Exactly. We’ve never dealt with this either. We have 8 under 10. Baby is currently 3 months. One of my 5 year old twins recently explained that when the next baby comes there will be 9 kids and 11 people total in our family. Just last night my 3 year old pointed at my post-partum belly and asked when the next baby was coming out. 🙂 My kids have all loved their new siblings. I used to tell people that it was a blessing that we had twins for #4
& #5 because our oldest three would have smothered a single baby. Most of their arguments were over who’s turn it was to hold a baby.
Gabby@MamaGab says
PREACH it, Amy! 🙂 Seriously though, my mom gave birth to seven of us, and let me tell you that we never felt jealousy. We were crazy excited with the addition of each new baby. Because of the way my parents handled pregnancy and babies, we viewed MORE children as MORE fun to be had. I have tried to take this approach with my own children, and consequently, my 6 year old is praying her little heart out for a fourth baby for our family because she desperately wants to share a room with a sister. I’ve always struggled to verbalize just what my parents did in their approach to children that made us not jealous, but I think you have nailed it completely.
Amy says
I agree that it is very important how WE view more children. If parenting is drudgery and we are very vocal about that fact, I could definitely see children not wanting any more of what it is that makes mom lose her cool and hate her job.
Sherry says
In our experience (baby number 8 is two months old now), we’ve never had the jealous sibling thing either. Our kids all eagerly anticipate the baby coming and I make sure to include them in any way I can with baby’s care once they have arrived. Even our youngest at the time who has no clue about baby in mommy’s tummy has heard enough about him or her from everyone else not to be surprised when that baby shows up! Each baby is a blessing and I agree with Amy that if Mom and Dad accept baby as such….so will each of the children!
Michelle says
I think you gave good advice on how not to nurture jealousy. Having said that, I practiced those same principles with our oldest daughter-I spent a lot of time with her before and after the baby was born, I talked to her about how she would have her own baby brother, etc, and on top of that, he was an easy baby who slept through the night, hardly ever cried and would prefer to be left alone a lot, (more time for my daughter) but she was very jealous of him. She use to grit her teeth when she would say hi to him and bite his little fingers every time I turned my back on him. (Seriously.) That was one of the few times he ever cried.
Honestly, I look back and don’t think I could have done anything differently to lessen the jealousy since I gave her plenty of one on one time and showed a lot of love and affection.
It has perplexed me to this day, but the older I get Amy, the more I am convinced that there ARE no formulas for parenting success when it comes to parenting and disciplining little sinners!
I wish I could pinpoint somewhere I went wrong because I am glad to share my mistakes in order for others to glean from them, but if I had one it would have that my daughter and I were too close? (If that’s possible!)
Carla says
Thank you for being honest here. I have learned that a lot more of my child’s actions and attitudes have to do with personality than I ever thought before I had children. I agree with Amy that we can certainly do plenty of things to encourage jealousy, but there really isn’t anything we can do to completely eliminate the possibility of it. They are independent little beings that we can mold and shape, but they are not robots.
Rebekah says
We are expecting baby #2 in a few weeks. I have always been of the same school of thought….that if you act like a change is normal, it will quickly become so. As we (especially I) have talked to our 2.5 year old about the baby, we have always spoken very positively. So I’ve been really surprised to hear my daughter say things like, “That’s not the baby’s crib! That’s MY crib!” And so on with the baby clothes and diapers, the bassinet, the Boppy pillow, everything that I pull out and prepare for baby, she claims. I can’t figure out if I’m unintentionally fostering her attitude or not, but it does have me a little worried.
Side note: We were thinking about getting our daughter a simple gift “from the baby” for her to open when the baby comes. Do you think this is a good idea? Should we maybe get gifts for both children to give?
Amy says
It’s perfectly normal for her to have memories and toddler “claims” on things. But, you can help redirect by telling her how much you enjoyed her being a baby and using those things and how much fun it will be to have another little one use them. I’d probably be more apt to let her pick out a gift to give to the baby and maybe a coloring book and crayons for herself simply because that gives her ownership of baby’s gift and also gives her a little something to play with quietly. I’d also encourage you to color with her. 😉
Mombryan says
With seven children, five boys then two girls (in that order) we have never had any issue with jealousy. However, I was told by my fourth son (who was 4 at the time) when my older daughter was only a month old that he was ready for me to have another baby again. But this time, he wanted a baby brother “because little sisters don’t DO anything!” (as far as he knew, little brothers always DID stuff!) It’s one of our favorite family stories!
Amy says
LOL – how cute!
Mrs L says
I loved this post Amy.
The only thing I would add was a piece of advice I was given when pregnant with #2 and it’s advice that I always pass on- DON’T blame the baby!
Never say: ‘Oh I can’t read to you right now, the baby needs me’ or ‘I’ll cuddle you in a minute- I’m just changing the baby.’ I hear people do it all the time and of course it would make an older child feel deprived because of a new sibling.
Amy says
YES! That is VERY important!
Peta says
Yes so agree! We just had our third, other two are 2 and 4. 2 year old pats and wants to hold for 5 seconds but he’s not over fascinated by the new baby lol. The 4 year old is smitten, she’s just like a little mum. How do you deal with “too much love” from her? I don’t want to sound mean to her by saying ok stop smothering your brother.
Shannon says
This is so right on! We are now expecting our 6th and we have never experienced sibling jealousy either, and that’s even with 3 of our boys being just 20 mos. apart. Interestingly, so much of what you say mirrors the way my husband and I go about welcoming a new baby and involving our children in the process. Right now my youngest, a girl age 3, talks to baby in my belly and then tells me what the baby has said to her. As far as she’s concerned she and her baby sister are already great friends. I think this is another example of how American parents tend to assume that all change is psychologically damaging to children, and also to overestimate the “needs” of their kids.
Rach D says
Wow, this post had me thinking a lot about my own experiences as a child (eldest of four & yes there were some rivalry for sure), and with my own five (sixth due anytime!).
I definitely think that parents can contribute to sibling issues by their attitudes and response to new baby…also, unwelcome circumstances can contribute to them as well. It is something us parents need to be wary of for sure.
I know that during my last pregnancy (#5) I was very very ill & couldn’t do very much of my ‘normal activities’. So, when we announced this pregnancy (#6) the children were ‘scared’ mommy would get like that again & weren’t as happy about a new sibling arriving…I could understand why of course.
I tried very hard this pregnancy to deal with the contributing issues that led to my severe illness, and overall this pregnancy thankfully went much better! (last weeks though have been brutal to be honest, but almost done!!)
I guess in reflection, I can see how the lack of being with mom, and the change in our relationship was really what caused the tension & fears towards another sibling. Perhaps moms out there who suffer from post partum issues or illness would feel the same?
Nonetheless, regardless of what obstacles we face, I know that to help our children we need to focus on their hearts & attitudes.
I was encouraged by your post that regardless of circumstances, we CAN indeed work on the hearts of our children. And set the tone & example 🙂
Thanks for sharing Amy!
Rachael @ Diamonds in the Rough
Brea Montiel says
You are right on. When I was expecting my second child I was surrounded by negative jealousy comments to the point of believing it. Until one mother told me that was not true and that it was really up to me and how I can encourage my older son. She gave great examples like “your baby” and “how the baby is so blessed to have you as a big brother ” and of course involving your older child. Well it has worked for all five of our children. My children love their baby and can’t get enough. And “baby” loves his big brothers and sisters that he even cries to be held by them. Their bond is strong. I think we live in a society today that naturally makes negative comments even when the subject is so joyous. So I hope to change that negativity to positive by helping to shed some light in love , like that mother did with me. Great Post.
Kim says
I fully agree. As a mom of now 11 I have NEVER had anyone act jelous of the new baby. I am finding with a new 3 day old in the house the older ones are jelous for their time WITH baby. No, our issue is more dealing with the aditude of “can I hold her, I haven’t gotten to hold her yet today.” Which also needs to be delt with. My 16 year old pointed out that it is whiny and smacks of blaming others of greed so you can get what you want. Our verse again this week is Philippians 2:4
“Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
The other culprit to “jelousy” can be many of the preschool age cartoons and books dealing with the subject of a new sibling. often times they are setting up the straw man arguments to deal with that may not even have been a thought in a young childs mind. Guard your childs brain space of what goes in carefully and you can avoid many of the so called “typical” preschool issues. “Keep your (child’s) heart with all diligence, For out of it spring the issues of life.” Prov. 4:23
Desi says
I agree with you for the most part. Sibling rivalry is definitely nothing to be feared and there are some things we can do as parents to help curb or even squash rivalry that does pop up. I do think to say it’s nonsense across the board though might be discouraging to parents who are in the throws of dealing with jealousy from a younger child and a new baby. I don’t think sibling rivalry is the norm but I think in some cases due to a child’s temperament it’s more likely than in other children. In those situations, I think it’s counterproductive for a parent to wonder if something they have done has caused the rivalry. There is grace and hope found in Jesus. If there is a parent struggling with rivalry in their home God can bring forth beauty from that situation. Sibling rivalry is address in the bible. Jacob and Esau struggled in their mothers womb. I definitely think we can learn a lot from the mistakes of Isaac and Rebecca’s parenting but the rivalry was there from the very beginning.
I know your heart is not to condemn and I think this post is fantastic advice to help fight against sibling rivalry when a new baby arrives. Sometimes we can do all the “right” things as parents and still have children who don’t fit the mold. God has a plan for everyone of our little arrows and He can give us the strength and the grace we need to tackle those out of the box kiddos. When our kids do grow a sweet harvest of juicy fruit we have to remember to always turn the praise back to the Lord. It is by His grace when the seeds we have sown take root and grow.
Antoniette Guevarra says
You’re absolutely right. While I was pregnant with our second son, we encouraged Zayne, my firstborn son aged one and a half to regularly “talk” to baby brother. He’d always stroke my tummy and say “Love you, Yanni” He was beside me as we both wait for our new baby in the hospital. He was the first one to touch the baby. While they are growing up, people notice and comment that Zayne is admirable because he doesn’t show jealousy over all the attention Yanni is getting. The same thing happened with our youngest son. Everyone was involved in “taking care” of Mommy and the baby. Both the firstborn and the second son sat beside me on the hospital bed to receive our baby. The two boys excitedly welcomed their youngest brother Xoan. Now they are six, four and two. They dearly love one another; no jealousies at all.
Katy says
I enjoyed this post! I just had my third baby, and I always thought we haven’t experienced sibling jealousy just because my first two are so close in age. But now that I realize it, we’ve always used terms like “our baby,” and my girls always seem more proud of their brother than jealous. Thanks for putting words to this for me! (I do remember being worried right before my 2nd was born that she would no longer have all of my attention until I realized that any other babies will never have me all to themselves, and I wasn’t mourning that for them! That’s just how families work. )
Tara says
Amen! So well said. We have three in our house but almost no jealousy in our home. We have an attitude of “our hearts have enough room for each of us.” This is so important to my husband and me because jealousy and competition were fostered in my family when I was growing up. It made childhood difficult and I now have only a Christmas card relationship with my siblings which is sad for me. It’s completely unnecessary to foster jealousy and so very easy to avoid. Thank you for posting this. I loved it.
Ashley says
Amen. 🙂 Our seventh is absolutely doted on!
Taylor says
We never talked about jealousy with our two oldest children ( who are five years older than our younger ones) and it has never been an issue. In fact our children fight over the baby! And we always included the baby in the family as “our” baby. I totally agree here that its an idea many times implanted into a childs mind by other adults. That being said, the times where the children have shown impatience and frustration with a newborn in the house (over the time it takes to care for one or just the noise level) I gently remind them that they TOO were a wee little baby once and that its only a season!
Kara says
My kids are horribly jealous about the new baby. They are constantly worried that one of the other kids has held her more and that she’s going to like their siblings better than them.
Josi says
I like the encouragement to not “buy in” to this idea that siblings will automatically be jealous and to just expect it. I never bought in to the idea that two years olds have to be terrible or teenagers have to be rebellious.
Josi says
oops…”year”
Lauren Beck says
I LOVED this Amy. Im about to have my 4th and I have heard a few people (even family members) mention the expected jealousy or “resentment” that the children may feel. This has confused me, because I have yet to experience anything like this and I would be very surprised if my children felt this way about our next baby that God is giving US! They are all so excited for our son to be born and even tell random strangers everywhere about him 🙂 I was refreshed and encouraged by your post. Thank you!
Heather says
Waiting on number 9, and all of the siblings (from 18 on down) are thrilled, as always. Like you, we involve our kids from the beginning– whether the new sibling is coming via birth or adoption. If anything, there are moments when I wish *I* could monopolize the newest addition! Lol
Reyna :) says
I wholeheartedly agree with this! We have 8 children ages 10-4mo and have never experienced any jealousy whatsoever. My older kids are always thrilled with each pregnancy announcement and that makes my heart so happy 🙂
Jennifer says
I mostly agree. We are pregnant for the 8th time, with a miscarriage, so we have 6 kids at home right now. The only jealousy that has happened has been with our 5th. He is certain that my lap is his. He doesn’t even want to be on it sometimes, but if someone else is, he suddenly needs to be. I hold him daily and spend plenty of 1 on 1 time with him. He is great with the baby though (who is now 9 1/2 months old) and great with all of the other kids. Just possessive of *his* lap. That is literally the only jealousy we’ve ever experienced in over 10 years! It’s nothing like what most people make it up to be. We’ve always done just what you suggested and really fostered the relationship, and all of our kids look forward to more siblings. The same one who is jealous when other kids sit on my lap talks to the new baby in my belly, saying hi, and kissing it. I’ve had people ask my kids if they’d rather be an only child, and they tell them no way, it would be boring.
Anthea says
Couldn’t agree more. We have 5 and I’ve never encountered this jealous behaviour that other people would tell me would happen.