I sat down to write this morning, but could not. All I could do was cry. Today was the first day where I had to have some semblence of a routine. Not a full routine, but something that resembled some sort of “normal” for my children’s sake. My husband convinced me to leave the bedroom and try to start my day, but shortly after breakfast, I was back asleep on the couch. When I did wake up, I sat and cried. Everywhere I turned were memories of what would never be. An empty swing where she used to sit while I fixed meals…an empty bassinet beside my bed where she slept…soap and lotion and diaper cream bought especially for her.
This was also my husband’s first day back at work. I no longer had him to lean on when I couldn’t stand anymore. He came home for lunch and ended up having to finish re-heating it for me as I was completely lost and kept staring over at the swing. I wondered how I would get through the day. I cried out to God to help me.
And He did.
A friend called to tell me she was on her way over. I got dressed.
I received several gifts/cards from the MOMYS. I cried, but felt comforted.
My friend came and we drank coffee and talked and talked. I smiled.
A friend called. I talked some more, and cried some too.
I received an email. I cried tears of joy, and felt excitement for the first time since my child died.
This mass email from a friend of a friend, contained a request for br**stmilk from whoever could help out. I couldn’t believe it! I had not been able to throw out all the milk I had pumped while our daughter was in the hospital. I kept thinking I should, but I kept avoiding it. Even today, I had looked in the freezer and thought, “WHY am I keeping this?” I reached for one of the containers to start throwing all of it away, but was stopped by one of the children needing something, so I gently closed the door and purposefully chose to put it off a little longer. This email brought joy to my heart again! I could help another baby. I could bless another family. I could give life-giving milk to another child!
So, while today started w/ tears of sorrow, God kept lifting me up until I was on solid ground. He brought me to a place where I could cry tears of joy.
Mrs. Dan says
The first is always the hardest… the first hour, the first day, the first week, the first month, the first year….But God’s grace is sufficient! He will not give you more than you can handle BY HIS GRACE.It’s horrible to lose a child, believe me, I know, I’ve btdt, but it’s also an incredible opportunity to taste the incredible power and mercy and GRACE of our Lord. I’ll be praying for you. May God be glorified in you and by you and through you.Hugs,Adrienne from CMOMB
helpmeetintraining says
What a wonderful gift you will be giving that child.
God's Guitar Girl says
Keep pressing on, dear sister… Psalm 3:3…
Inglesidemom says
Amy,You have been on my mind daily, but especially in the evenings when I get into bed. I have never btdt and I can only imagine the feelings of being lost. But I can pray and I will continue to. He is so faithful to provide for each need – even a place for your milk. Blessings,Jen
Anonymous says
I have been praying for you today. I am so glad that another little life will have the privilege of being blessed by you. You are a blessing!In love,Crystal Schaper
guinever says
What a wonderful thing that you are blessing another mom with your liquid gold! I have a friend who just adopted a baby and is receiving donor milk. Although its a small world, I doubt your milk is going to my friend. Take care of yourself. Don’t get mastitis. I’m aching for you.
ManyTimesBlessed says
Amy,I don’t even know what to say or where to begin. I have thought and prayed about you and for you and your family many times since Emmy went home to be with the Lord. I will continue to pray for you. What a wonderful blessing to pass along your milk, what a precious gift that little one will get. In Christ,Laura
Anonymous says
God will give you what you need each day. Take it easy. I am praying for you. Laura 🙂
brandi says
He is so faithful! Our fortress, our shelter in the time of storm. Thank you for sharing your day with us. I’m so glad that you were able to bless someone w/your precious mamma milk. 😀 And that you were comforted today.
Lisa says
I am so sorry about the loss of your precious daughter. We have been out of town or I would have written much sooner. My heart goes out to you and your family, as do our prayers. In Christ, Lisahttp://lisa-beehivebuzz.blogspot.com/
Audrey says
Sweet Amy, my heart goes out to you, it hurts for you. I understand your thoughts, though I dont know your pain. I can only imagine that I would be so lost as well. You are an inspiration to me. Thank you for being so candid as you walk through this valley. There just dont seem to be any right words to say. My desire is to just fix it all for you….but His desire…His plan is bigger than that. Audrey