{Dear Readers – I wrote this post this past weekend. I miscarried this morning. However, I thought I would still share these thoughts. Thank you so much for your prayers. We have truly been blessed through them all.}
I draw up a hot bath.
I drink that extra cup of coffee.
I turn my thoughts back toward losing weight and healing my diastasis.
and I wait.
This is my third miscarriage. My last one was over 8 years ago. I’ve had 5 children since then. I’ve had an in-my-arms child die since then. I am not the same person.
The miscarriage 8 years ago angered me.
I felt robbed.
so much I had to learn.
Now I learn how to stop looking for pregnancy symptoms and start looking for miscarriage symptoms.
Now I learn to wait patiently for a timing I do not know.
Baby has been gone for nearly 3 weeks. I have known for less than 1 week. And I wonder…
how much longer.
I began blogging long after my other miscarriages. I’ve mentioned them in passing, but never have I blogged through a miscarriage. I never really considered that The Grieving Mother would turn her heart this direction again…the direction of the loss of an unborn child…again.
It is different.
I saw a little heartbeat and a tiny form, but I did not hold this baby, nurse this baby, brush back wisps of hair on this baby.
This is a different shade of grief. This grief mourns one I did not know.
Was it a boy? That longed-for baby girl? Brown hair or blond hair? Blue eyes or flannel gray? I will not know this side of heaven.
But for the first time, I am peaceful.
I’ve never experienced this kind of peace in light of a loss. It is your prayers, I am sure.
Your prayers…and a God who has been faithful through some of the worst pain a mother could ever experience.
Yes, I am different. I know life and I know death.
And I know Who holds the future.
Laura says
I will continue to pray for you in the days to come, and may the Lord continue to give you His peace.
Laura
Kimberly @ Raising Olives says
Amy,
I just wanted to let you know that I have been and will continue to pray for you and your family. Praise God for his peace that passes understanding, may you continue to be blessed by it’s presence.
With love.
Amy says
Thank you, Kimberly…and your post today was exactly where I am…thank you.
Kimberly @ Raising Olives says
I wish that we lived closer and I could give you an IRL hug.
Maybe someday we’ll meet!
Amy says
We really must, Kimberly.
Honey @ Sunflower Schoolhouse says
I am so sorry for your loss and will continue to pray for you. We have had three miscarriages and I can so relate to everything you wrote today.
Blessings
Honey
Stephanie says
Amy,
Your very last sentence says it all to me… And I know Who holds the future. It doesn’t answer our questions but it gives us the courage and strength to keep moving on. Blessings and peace to your family.
Love in Him,
Stephanie
Jessica says
You are also in my prayers. Words cannot be enough. May love find it’s way to you through the internet voices. ~Jessica
Dellaina says
Oh dear one. Praying for God to soothe your sore heart, and praying for your family as well.
kathy says
My heart is with you. I too have been thru this and it put a hole in your heart never to be replaced.I too saw the hartbeat and the tiny little body and never got to hold it in my arms. I am praying for you to keep the peace you have and work thru this knowing how many people care for you and are thinking of you.May God be with you these coming days and always<3
Stacie says
Hi Amy,
Much love, prayer, and hugs your way, dear sister. In the midst of the blessings of this pregnancy I find myself in, I still grieve and weep over #4. The one I never held either. But just like you said, I had so much to learn, so much that God wanted to show me in the midst of my pain. He is so faithful to us; we are blessed. Take care and have a wonderful Thanksgiving! God bless you!
Julia Cvar says
I am so sorry about your loss, but I can honestly say, I felt the same way when I miscarried our last baby. God’s peace is truly amazing, and I am so blessed to know he’s with us. I love reading your thoughts. Thank you for writing them, I know it’s a blessing to so many!!!
Amy says
Yes, Julia…the peacefulness has just been such a blessing. thank you for your words. 🙂
Young Wife says
Just said a prayer for you.
Anita Chamblee says
I miscarried babies 6,7 and 8 and really had the utmost peace that God was faithful. We saw heartbeats and growth and then… Since then we have added two more boys and count ourselves doubly blessed. Rest in Him.
Shari says
I am crying with you right now! We went through that 7 months ago. So hard, but so amazing how the peace of God is with you right then. Sometimes I thought there was something wrong with me because it didn’t bother me more. We definitely grieved, but God was with us the whole time! We are now expecting a healthy baby in the Spring. God is good!
Praying for you!
Amy says
I am so glad you said that, Shari! I too feel like I should be grieving harder, but I just feel such peace about all of this.
Tiffany M in MS says
Hugs and prayers!!
Mommy Provost says
“If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.” 1 Corinthians 12:26 As a part of the Body of Christ we are mourning with you. You will be in our thoughts and prayers. God is with you.
Sonita Lewis says
Oh Amy, I’m so very sorry for your loss. I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it must be.
I really have no words, other than I just wanted to let you know I’ll continue to be praying for your family as you deal with this loss.
Sally Clarkson says
I so understand. I still grieve the babies I would have had playing or wanting me. Yet, now I cling to the sweet children I have with a bigger heart. Beautiful words and so very sorry for your loss. May He grant you peace and comfort.
Amy says
Thank you so much, Sally. Heaven is a sweet, sweet place. 🙂
Stephanie says
{Amy} I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I am glad of His peace that you feel. Prayers for you and your family.
Amy says
You know, Steph, I am reminded that my first miscarriage is how we met. That makes me smile, my dear friend.
Amanda says
I never thought of this before but saw it in an advertisement for a book on miscarriage…. What if our wombs were chosen to hold the baby just long enough to usher that child to heaven? I always knew that I would see my two babies again but if I had never gotten pregnant that baby would never be in heaven. How awesome is that? Only the Lord knows why that child did not need to be here on earth but it will be in eternity!!!!
Monica says
So sorry for your loss. I will never know your kind of loss. I had one child and could never conceive again. But feel blessed with the one that I did get to carry for the Lord. we now have 2 adopted children as well. ~hugs~ and prayers…
Sandi says
Amy, I am so sorry to hear you have lost a 3rd child! Praying God’s peace will stay with you throughout the entire grieving process. We have gone through a miscarriage too. The beautiful thing about it is that our son whom we adopted a couple years later was born the exact day our baby would have been born…we know without a doubt that it was God’s will and we praise God for His perfect plan for our family. Your blog has been such a blessing to me. Take time to grieve and let yourself heal and try not to take on too much too soon!
Kathy says
I am so sorry Amy. So sorry for the pain and loss. Wish I was wiser. Wish I had answers or some way to carry some pain for you 🙁
Carrie says
My heart breaks for you. One mother to another. One woman who has miscarried at home to another. You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers. May God protect your fragile heart in His hands.
Jenna says
*hugs* I am sorry.
Melissa says
So, so sorry, Amy. A beautifully written post.
Suanna says
My prayers for you continue.
Jamerrill @ Holy Spirit-led Homeschooling says
I feel every. single. word. I’m so glad for His peace. Thank you Jesus.
Valerie says
Oh Amy, I am so sorry for your loss. I am so grateful that we serve such a loving precious Father who does not abandon us in our time, but gets in the dirt and ashes with us and holds us. He is so precious and I am so glad you have Him. Praying for you….
Tracy @ Hall of Fame Moms says
Ugh ;( I’m sorry for your loss, Amy *tears* – however, I’m relieved at your peace and strength. God is good. All the time.
Elizabeth says
Aww Amy thank you for your update. Still praying for you. Hope your recovery goes quickly.
Becky says
I am so sorry for your loss, Amy. I will continue to pray God wraps his arms around you.
Lisa~ says
Oh sweetie….you are in my prayers. I am so sorry for the loss, but rejoice in the peace that passes understanding. Through my miscarriages I felt the same peace and trust in the Lord that He knew what was best for me and my child. I am so glad you shared this and will be keeping you in my prayers as the waves of joy come and go. Lisa~
Amy says
Thank you, Lisa 🙂
Heather Kaspar says
I can´t even imagine how strong you are…going through so much. God bless you for sharing your experience and helping others.
-Heather
http://buckupbaby.blogspot.com
Candice says
I’m not sure how I missed your post about your loss a week ago…I am so very sorry. I will be lifting you and your family up in prayer as you grieve. Praise God for the peace He is giving you in the midst of sorrow!
Miranda says
A prayer for you is going up right now.
We don’t always know what He has in store and why but we know we can trust Him in everything.
Lots of Love.
RG says
I am thankful you are at peace about this. I have you in my thoughts and prayers. I have been down this road 5 times now, and there is always that lingering pain when those times of the year roll around, but God is faithful and good always.
Shannon Wallace says
Amy-
Lord bless your heart. Though I don’t know the grief of a miscarriage, I know the grief of a child dying. As I read what you wrote, I understand what you mean by “I am not the same.” We are never the same, once a child leaves us to be with Jesus. It’s encouraging that you have peace. Indeed it is Jesus holding you tight, and the many prayers lifted up for you. I had personally never felt that peace that surpasses understanding until the night my son died in the ER. Though I miss him to pieces, and want him back, I am forever thankful that I have the gift of helping others in their time of grief. Thank you for sharing your gift of sharing your experience (I hope that makes sense and doesn’t offend you), because it brings Him glory, and it helps those of us who grieve. Hugs!
Amy says
Thank you, Shannon. 2 Cor 1:3-7 has become my mission. God didn’t leave me here to wallow in self-pity…He has me here to comfort others with the comfort I have been comforted with. So thankful you share that vision. You have blessed me today! 🙂
Char G. says
I am feeling your greif and peace. We both have precious children in the Lords care and I can’t wait to meet them someday. So sorry to hear about Maya. Linanne said that Meg lost her “baby” as well. The innocence of a child is so sweet. 😉 We love you guys and pray that your Thanksgiving is a very blessed one.
Amy says
Thanks, Char. It’s been a rough week. Maya died this afternoon while the vet was here. Sometimes I cry for my children over how much death they have seen in their short lives. But God is faithful through it all and they are wonderful kids in spite of what they have been through.
Anita says
Amy my thoughts are prayers are with you and your family… thank you for sharing with us, you are such a blessing! God’s peace trancends understanding, relax in that 🙂
And know that through God’s amazing redemptive power, your kids are so wonderful partly BECAUSE of what they have been through- our God is so awesome in that He not only negates the negative, He turns it for wonderful good! Which I know you know, but wanted to remind you 🙂
Love Anita.
Lisa J. says
I am sorry for your loss. May God be with you, as He already has!
Semone says
As I sit here and read your post, I am reminded of the four miscarriages that i have gone through. It is, indeed, a different type of grief and a longing that seems unexplainable. BUT we know the one who holds all in HIS hands….with that comes a peace that surpasses all understanding.
Continually praying,
Semone
kari says
So beautiful Amy! I understand where you are. Just last week we would have been welcoming our 4th child, but this child had gone on to heaven in May. It was a hard week. I mourned in a way I never expected, especially after 6 months. But like you said, I have peace. A peace you wouldn’t expect at a time that is still painful. I know that our little angels are awaiting our arrival one day. That knowledge brings a peace I can’t describe. Continued prayers coming your way.
Jillian says
II Corinthians 12:9
And He said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness.
Praying for you!
Jill
Rebecca says
praying for you. may God wrap his peace around you and strengthen you heart. i can’t even imagine but i know God knows. continuing to pray for you.
Renee says
Dear Ty, Amy and children,
We are grieving with you!
Much love,
Renee and family
Amy says
Thank you, Renee. 🙂
Michaela says
Praying for your family, dear. Praying for your continued peace.
Emily M says
Amy,
I remember when you wrote this and I remember praying for you. I rejoice with you now that you hold sweet baby Creed. This post brought me comfort tonight as I just had my 3rd miscarriage (2nd in 6 months). Much like you, I felt angry and robbed the first time (over 7 years ago). The last 2 times I have put my hope and trust that God works all things together for our good. I’m trusting Him through it, though it hurts. I want to thank you for sharing this post as you were going through this. God has used it tonight to bring comfort to my hurting heart. Blessings!
Amy says
((HUGS)) Emily.