I am 32 weeks. That means I am only a hop, skip, and a jump (with a few waddles thrown in) away from giving birth. I know having a baby during the holidays will also serve to speed things up immensely.
So, what are my thoughts as I approach this momentous occasion? Well, let’s just say they are different from anything I have ever experienced before. I suppose in many ways this is yet another first. The first time I have given birth since losing Emily.
I have found myself not preparing much. I am afraid of planning too much because I know how things can change in a blink of an eye. I have no expectations. In fact, I almost don’t think about giving birth at all and I never think about watching the baby grow up. I’ve had the best pregnancy I’ve ever had and feel I could stay pregnant forever. And in many ways, that would be easier. I know the emotions that will come with giving birth again are going to be hefty.
And then there are the fears. I fear bringing the baby home. What if I don’t really know how to care for babies? This utterly ridiculous thought plagues me despite the fact that I have birthed and cared for 5 children and Emily’s death had nothing to do with my ability as a mother. I fear the first time baby is sick. What if I have no intuition anymore? What if I can’t handle even the tiniest of colds? What if this fear completely immobilizes me?
My prayer is that when the first real contractions make themselves known, that the Lord will put a hedge around me and I’ll leave the fears and negative thoughts behind. I pray He’ll be with me through everything…from labor and delivery to bringing the baby home to caring for this new little one. And I pray that all I do will glorify Him and show that I know WHO is in control.